End things while pregnant

[milkyway100]

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

• Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
• Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.

My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"

• Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.

I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

Thank God you are thinking of not letting him back! Keep hold of that thought.

@milkyway100

It is all about hi and his needs. He is trying to make you feel guilty and coerce you into doing other things whilst you are heavily pregnant

Listen, I would rather be judged about separating whilst pregnant or even be judged about getting pregnant by such a knob, than stay with him out of sheer embarrassment.

You are young, you already own your own home and work. Shut down his messages and tell him it is over. By continuing to entertain this bollocks, reinforces his entitlement/abuse of you.

please call WA and tell your midwife so that you can get some support.

He’s an incel who inexplicably landed a girlfriend.

If a woman leaves a man while pg you know somethings seriously wrong because generally we don’t leave our partners while pg.

Does it not occur to his pathetic mind that every time he has sex on you because he has to play catch up, you are moving on a step on his stupid little tally chart, too?

Omg get rid of him now. This will only get worse and worse! Save yourself and the baby!

So an update.

I rechecked my work HR manual, it's 18 weeks, not 16 weeks full maternity pay. That , alongside some accrued A/L, and a couple of months Statutory pay, ( I will be entitled to UC during the SMP months), means I should get about 7/8 months off.

My boyfriend, ( and the older couple), want him out it seems. He's sent a lot ( more), texts about how he cares about me and the baby, but he just needs assurances I won't end up like Lauren, ( I haven't replied).

The woman has messaged me back and said we need to talk/ make up as he is upsetting their air b and b guests, ( burping very long and loudly, asking guests sexist/ personal questions, banging loydly on bathroom door when guests in the shower etc).

I am feeling a little overwhelmed with it all but think having him back here is a non starter tbh.

So yes, I expect his general behaviour in their house is why they want us to "make up."

@milkyway100

This man is no longer your problem. Tell the couple, to whom he's now being ungrateful and an idiot, that the two of you are no longer together and there will be no returning for him. He is an adult and he can make arrangements to go elsewhere. NOT back to your home - you've changed those locks - right?

Pack up any stuff of his still in your home and give him a date and time he can collect them from outside your home. Perhaps one of your lovely friends can be with you when he comes to collect, in case he causes a fuss?

Also, I'm assuming you are not planning on him being with you in the delivery room during the birth? Assuming that's the case, ensure your midwife knows this and writes this up in your notes.

You really are well rid of this person you know. 🌹

Yes, they don’t want him either. Cant he go to his parents.

The woman has messaged me back and said we need to talk/ make up as he is upsetting their air b and b guests, ( burping very long and loudly, asking guests sexist/ personal questions, banging loydly on bathroom door when guests in the shower etc).

This is not your problem to solve.

If you allow this man to move back into your home then it will be a decision that is not in your child's best interests.

He is not going to put your child first, so you need to.

Don't let him back even as a 'favour' to the couple, or he will keep postponing leaving until the baby arrives and you're incredibly vulnerable and you'll never get shot of him.

He's a big boy. You don't owe him shelter. You DO owe yourself and your baby a calm and healthy home.

You cannot have that with him in that home.

He's an adult. Time for him to sort his own shit out and officially be your ex. Permanently. For your child's sake.

Very pleased to see you are still not considering having him back. Hold on to that thought.

If your friends kick him out, make it absolutely clear to him he has to make other plans for himself.

Just reply with a now return no refund policy. They have to tell him he’s to leave and it isn’t your concern.

Do not make the mistake of trying to reduce him, it’s not your problem.

Oh gosh, I've just read all of this and I agree with all the other posters. You took a massively brave step by telling him to leave for weeks, now please, please make it permanent. If you don't have the courage yet to tell him it's over, tell him you're not ready yet for him to return and so he'll have to make alternative arrangements. He's not your responsibility. Your only responsibility now is your own needs and the needs of your soon to be born baby.

What have I read! OP he sounds like an odious man. Kick him out now before baby comes and mom guilt sets in and you’re stuck. Don’t worry about what people will think - people who know you as a couple will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner and will applaud you.

The more you tell us about this man the lower down he is going. It all about him and his want's. He is insulting you in front of his friends and yours. How he acted and what he said in front of your friend who is visually impaired and needs help at times was horrible.

I am glad to hear that you got him out of your house. I tell him that you don't want him back and get him to ring you to arrange a time to collect his stuff.
I have a few tall/well built male friends their when he calls to collect his stuff. I am sure he will try to get you to change your mind but I would not do this. You deserve that your home is a place of rest and relaxation until your daughter is born and you don't need to be dealing with this man child. I would also just put your surname on your daughter birth cert.

Tell your friends what happened and the fact you have kicked him out. I am sure they will be delighted not to have to see, hear or deal with him again.

Seriously, kick him out ffs.

Is there a single positive attribute to this abusive moron? How can you bear to be anywhere near him?

If you split, friends and family will breath a sigh of relief.

Full on abusive arsehole. He must give you severe ick with his disgusting ways.

As he is out of the flat, don’t let him back in. It’s unfortunate that he’s pissing off his friends, but that does not mean you have to have him back. This is a superb opportunity to make a proper break. My god, he sounds FOUL. Full on sex pest, ugh! Still pestering you about having sex after the baby and demanding blow jobs? Please, just get rid. Don’t put his name on your dd’s birth certificate, you are not obliged, nor do you need to use his surname. How have you tolerated this shit for so long?

His friends didn't last very long at all did they?!

They are probably wondering how the hell you have put up with his disgusting behaviour day after day. At least you know that they won't be pushing for you to reunite ....except obviously they want him gone quick and back to your place is the quickest option.

BUT it is now no longer your problem. Don't feel bad for them or guilty. You and your baby are the most important things. At 29 he is a big enough boy to find himself somewhere else to go.

I suggest you just ignore their messages. Or tell them that he cannot come back to your house and then no longer engage.

Have you changed the locks?

OP, he sounds like he has a personality disorder. There is actually one called 'immature personality disorder' where a person goes way, way beyond 'immaturity' and is completely incapable of having normal relationships without falling back on childish/selfish coping mechanisms.

The only way it could possibly get better is through intense therapy and maybe medication but personality disorders are so deeply ingrained, they are notoriously difficult to treat. Whatever the issue, he is not your responsibility and because he feels deeply threatened if he thinks your attention is divided, it would be a dangerous move to allow him back in the house with a young baby also there.

I think this calls for a massive leap of faith. You might not have all your 'ducks in a row' but if you kick him out for good, I think you'll be amazed at how everything good will fall into place. I'm sure it won't be easy but it will be a million times easier than doing it with this extremely disturbed individual in your home.

Do not let his flying monkeys coerce or make you feel guilty/responsible and letting him back.

Tell them he is not welcome back and you do not need their advice regarding talking/making up.

He is an adult. He has a job. He can find a hotel etc or alternative accommodation.

In regards to him wanting assurances re:sex etc, this is not normal. How do you know how you will physically be after birth? Well you don’t.

Stick to your guns. Send them a message that it's up to them what they do but your relationship is finished and he isn't welcome back in your house. He's an adult, he has a job and he can sort out somewhere else to live. Not your problem.

So I messaged him today to say I'd done a lot of thinking and the split is permanent.
He phoned back and demanded to know if I'd claim CMS, very indignant, "what kind of women throws the father out against his will, and then claims money from him , when I didnt want to leave "
"you'll be able to find another boyfriend in five minutes, I won't ever be able to find anyone else. "

Don't know how long his friends will last, but there is a lot fo house shares in our area, and he can easily afford to rent a room. He can't live with his family as they live abroad.

The irony. You have said that the split is permanent, all he is concerned about is a CMS claim and that it’s against his will

Personally, l would block his number now (remember that you can unblock it) and tell him to email you.