End things while pregnant

[milkyway100]

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

• Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
• Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.

My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"

• Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.

I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

Get this abusive, controlling, nasty cunt out of your house.

I felt quite a chill reading all of yours posts op. If he's like this now, what's he going to be like when there's a baby demanding your attention? He honestly sounds like a vile human being. You sound like you are ready to kick him out. He has to go. Sounds like your friends and family will be relieved and supportive. You have no need to be embarrassed, you should be proud actually. That goodness the mortgage is in your name and you're not married. Get your ducks in a row and ask him to leave. You need to plan how you'll do that, could a friend be there when you do it?

Hi, I think what @KangarooKenny has said about your child’s surname is very important!

I had a child with an abusive scumbag 17 years ago. He hasn’t seen my child for 12 years.

We weren’t getting on in my pregnancy and it was my mum that warned me about putting my child in his name. Thankfully I didn’t use his surname on her birth certificate, I used my maiden name.

Fast forward all these years and I met my wonderful husband 15 years ago and when we married I changed my child’s surname to his. I wouldn’t have been able to do this if her I had registered in her biological fathers name, unless he gave his consent, which he sure as hell wouldn’t have!

My husband and I have a 10 year old together and we also have another one on the way. It’s been so much easier all having the same surnames and our 10 year old has never had to question why my eldest has a different surname to us etc. Our 10 year old isn’t aware that our eldest isn’t my husbands biological child.

Good luck with it all. It’s an awful time but remember it’s going to be even more awful to have to put up with him once your baby is here. Xx

Please tell us you aren't going to give your baby his last name OP?

My last paragraph sounds wrong, sorry, I meant it’s awful having to be in a relationship with him now, spoiling your pregnancy. If you were to end things now, before your baby is born, you won’t have to deal with his terrible behaviour along with trying to be a mum to a newborn. Good Luck. X

He is an abuser. Get away from him, get support from Women's Aid etc. Make sure baby has your name not abuser's name.

Do the Freedom Programme. Don't worry about the hypothetical thoughts of other people, what matters is your safety and well-being.

He is very, very abusive and he will only get worse if you stay.

OP, when I saw the title of your post I thought perhaps it is hormones and not to rush. I am generally a big believer of trying to resolve conflicts rather than leaving, but even a fraction of examples you posted would made me leave without any doubt.
He is controlling, abusive even in public and in front of family members, he is jealous, uncaring, not supportive in any way. If anything now is the better time to get rid of him, because the first 6 month with the baby will be challenging and you don't want new extra stress dealing with this. Tell him to leave, do not give the baby his last name. Arrange with your mum to come for 2 weeks after hospital. You will manage just fine. Imagine your life without daily humiliation of feeling unappreciated and abused?!

@milkyway100
You know what you need to do.
It will be difficult at first, but not as hard as your future if you where to stay with this vile man.
You can absolutely do this. You are stronger than you believe.

Run.
give baby your name

@youvegottenminuteslynn we had previously talked about hyphenating, e.g mysurname-his surname or his surname-mysurname, which may be the best way to go. I wouldn't want to go for solely his surname, particularly in the current circumstances.

I am also stressed as my mum, ( who is clinically vulnerable/ was on shielding list), is currently in hospital with covid related complications, ( had covid 10 days ago, now has pneumonia caused by the covid).

Really sorry to hear about your mum and hope she recovers soon

Please rethink and don't hyphenate your baby's last name with that of an abusive man.

That's the thing. I have to keep thinking of this as abusive, (to clarify he isn't violent). I always made excuses of "oh, he's just immature," but actually, some of this behaviour may cross the line into verbally/ emotionally abusive.

He's not immature, he's abusive and he isn't even trying to conceal it. It will only get worse once the baby arrives as he won't cope not being number 1 priority.
In the words of my ex, he is 1st, baby is 2nd and you are last.
Get rid. You'll make the finances work.
I brought DS up on my own, if I can do it anyone can!

If he has you on tenterhooks so you can't relax in your own home wondering how he will behave to you (and your friends) and trying to work out how you can avoid 'triggering' him to avoid the insults and unpleasantness, then yes that has crossed the line into abuse.

Oh my love, it's way over the line. As an objective outsider it is very clear emotional and verbal abuse. He also sounds sexually coercive as he's trying to guilt / pressure you into sex.

His behaviour is abusive and I would strongly strongly advise you to make the decision now not to give your child his name, whether hyphenated or not.

Leave him. Don't give baby his name. Don't even put him on the birth certificate. Start planning now to manage finances without him. From everything you say it is best if he stays out of yours and baby's life. He is a narcissistic abuser.

Wowwww @milkyway100 he is not a supportive partner to you. What he is saying and doing is inexcusable... A loving partner would be so apologetic of breaking something and WANT to replace it for you asap. A loving partner would go out of their way to get you bus fare.

Please do the best thing for you and baby and leave him... Maybe you could stay with your family for a few weeks? Everything will work out but you just need to make the first step and then other things can begin to fall into place.

Don’t worry about your friends judging you for breaking up with this horrible man they probably hate him as well. His behaviour is both childish and abusive and he really does not seem to care who sees him behave like this-his own friends seeing him behave like that with the chocolate bar, normally arseholes like this hide it. . Is £400 a month worth it, with only one adult in the house certain expenses will be reduced, the council tax reduction should help as well as child benefit and the cm he will be required to pay you should be able to make it ok. If you have to return to work earlier that is a bit shit but the short term lose will be the long term gain of not having to live with him.

Please, please get rid of this abusive, pathetic man child. If you think things are bad now it will be one hundred per cent worse after the baby arrives.

You have already mentioned his Extreme jealousy if he feels/perceives your friends are ever getting more attention than him.

This will escalate once the baby is here as all your energy and focus will be solely on the baby and he will not like this one bit.

I am sure when you kick him out , you will feel relief and start to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

You and your baby are worth so much more than he is offering, which by the sounds of it is NOTHING but grief!!!!!!!

Yes , that is the thing. My perception of abusive men was they "hid," the behaviour in front of others, but if anything, his behaviour in front of others, ( both mine and his friends// family), is worse than when we are alone. Almost as if, a rather childish sense of showing off takes over.

An example would be,

My Parents:

• Went to stay their a couple of months ago, he got irritated and threw my phone charger out the window, ( landed in a tree in my parent's front garden), as he was frustrated I was paying too much attention to a friend who was phoning me, ( on that occasion, he did say he felt embarrassed when my dad had to go into the garden and retrieve the phone charger).

Telling my mum on the phone on mother's day, "M's wished you a happy mother's day , can you stop chatting now, I want her to do something for me."

His friends, ( the older couple)

Whenever they come round for dinner, ordering me out of my seat and to the kitchen so much to get various drinks// things for everyone that they have to repeatedly tell him J, sit down and let Milkyway eat.

Snatching food off my plate in front of them, when I'm still eating, and shoving it in his face.

Hiding stuff in front of them, e.g. putting my earrings on a high shelf and refusing to get them down, telling them it's cos he doesn't like them.

My friends:

Shoving, demanding "me first," when on walks together when they have visited.

One of my friends met us with a take away coffee in her hand at the station she was deinking, he snatched it and drank it.

One friend who has some dietary restrictions was eating supermarket prepackaged fruit when she saw us, he snatched it and ate a load in front of her despite her telling him not to.

As for CMS, obviously he would legally be obliged to pay but he would not like this. He has said that he thinks CMS is completely fair if the father walks out/ leaves/ doesn't step up, but completely disgusting/ unfair if the mother leaves the father because then it is her choice.

Get the piece of shit out of your property. Your poor kid being burdened with a domestic abuser for a father ☹️
Get ready for the abuser to trot out the old cliches like how he will go for ‘full custody’
No need to analyse the abuser, only communicate with him through email. You’ll need everything documented.

Yes , that is the thing. My perception of abusive men was they "hid," the behaviour in front of others, but if anything, his behaviour in front of others, ( both mine and his friends// family), is worse than when we are alone. Almost as if, a rather childish sense of showing off takes over.

No. This behaviour is a way to isolate you. It is normal for abusers - to the point of being "textbook" abuse.

The Freedom Programme would help you make sense of this.

(Good job CMS, and anyone else on the planet don’t give a shit what words come out of his worthless mouth 😂)

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Is this the sort of relationship you want your child to witness? He needs to go NOW.

Why the fuck would you want to have sex with it? And he has the audacity to sulk/blackmail you? Just reading that makes my vagina slam shut.

Read back your own words about how he treats you. What would you say if your friend/daughter told you this? You will be better off as a single parent. And your child will be safe from the damage that will be caused by watching how their father treats their mother.