End things while pregnant

[milkyway100]

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

• Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
• Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.

My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"

• Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.

I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

I wasted a decade of my life, lost years with my family and friends and lost myself in a similar relationship....I too worried what people would say.
The worst thing was that when I eventually got the balls to end it as I saw it effecting my DC, at that time 18mnths and 5 was that it was too late to protect them. Both have had lasting MH problems from the trauma, despite not seeing him or having any contact with him since 4 months after we split (his choice). I so wish I had done something sooner. They have both battled the demons of the past for the last 16 years.

My ex showed me who he was and I made excuses. I hoped he'd change. They never do.

It wasn't easy alone but it was a relief from the minute he'd gone.

And I have realised over the years that very few people have the picture perfect lives you think.

Please get rid of him as quickly as you can! You shouldn't have to live like you are.

You'll make a plan with finances etc. Turn2us can give you an idea of any help you might get.

Keep a diary of everything. Try and do it all communication email if you can so that you minimise stress. Don't be swayed by promises of change. Apply for CS via CMS and push them to get your maintenance once your LO is born.

Harness the anger that he dare treat you and your daughter and your stuff the way he is and kick him out. For good!

Please, please put your baby’s and your need to not be around this fucking batshit cunt of a man ahead of a fear of gossip. Please.

He also really upset me when giving me a lift to my 16 week midwife appointment a few weeks ago. He was meant to be dropping me to the appointment on his way to work, I was meant to be going straight to work after the appointment. He rushed me out of the flat so quickly I forgot my purse, when I found this out he refused to lend me the £4.00 needed for the train to work, as "it's not my fault you forgot your purse," and so I was left stranded at the hospital. I couldn't get to work, so after the midwife appointment had to phone my boss and pretend I was sick and take a days sick leave, and then had to walk home in over an hour. He easily could have taken cash out from the cash point in hospital reception to lend me £4.00 to get the train, but he chose not to.

Please read this back. It's awful. Trust me (I've been there) this is not the man to plan a future with. One mistake is fine, it's not the end of the world and you will cope, but please don't stay with this man. He will make your life a misery

He has to go. He will be even worse when you have a baby that needs all your attention and keeping you both awake at night.

He sounds so vile that I cannot ever imagine wanting to have sex or even wanting to be in the same bed as him, he makes my skin crawl just reading about him. What ever made you decide to have a baby with this sub human?

Get him out ASAP, just get him out now. Make plans and call on family and friends to help you once the baby is here. Would your parents be in a position to help you financially with the loan repayments until you are back at work?

I'm in a similar situation and having the same worries. DH has a terrible temper, and often takes it out on me or DS, I'm currently pregnant with a unplanned pregnancy that he wants terminated, I've told him I'm keeping baby and he's barely spoken to me since. I'm scared to raise 3 kids by myself but I also know that if things don't change, I have to think what's best for my kids and right now, he isn't.

@milkyway100 I've only just read your post about your Mum. I do hope she is improving and makes a full recovery.

Well it's clear as day that your violent DH isn't going to change, surely you have worked that much out by now. I'm not sure bringing another child into a violent marriage is a good idea and leaving with 2 children would be be easier and being a single parent of two kids is obviously more manageable than 3. If it were me I'd be terminating and leaving with the two kids I had and concentrating on giving them the best life possible away from their violent father.

You need to phone Women's Aid and start making plans to leave.

Thank you. She has been discharged now with some strong antibiotics, hopefully they will work.

As an update, I was working from home today as had e-learning etc to complete. Fortunately it was a very light day work wise, as I had a significant arguement with my boyfriend.

He was moaning, I asked him why, he said he was really looking forward to the baby coming, ( he does seem genuinely excited by this), but had been really angry the past few weeks as he'd overheard my friend telling me she hadn't had sex, ( her choice), for 18 months post-birth and he was really worried this would happen to him. He was moaning he hadn't had much sex in his life prior to meeting me, ( ....) and he was really worried he would miss out on sex for months after birth, ( "if you decide to do what Lauren* did,") and how that would be hard for him, "as you had sex earlier in your life, but I still have to catch up, as I didn't have much sex before you."

I asked if he understood that women normally can't physically have sex for a few months after birth, and he was like , "yes , I know that my colleague who ha 5 kids explained to me he had to wait three months each time for his wife to recover down there, I can cope with three months, but just promise me you won't be like LAUREN* and make me wait 18 months."

Anyway, ( whilst I understand 18 months isn't average), I just said his attitude / lack of thought for me was making me sick, and I wanted him to go stay somewhere else for a few days to give me space. He was reluctant, but I insisted.

I have since been phoned by his friends, ( the older couple), to say he's spoken to them and they have said he can stay for two weeks to give me space They've said they'll talk to him about acceptable behaviour, but in my head I don't envisage him changing enough to be allowed back in....

They don't sound particularly thrilled to have him come to stay, as they air b and b out their spare bedroom so he will have to be on the sofa, ( bedroom booked up for most of the next two weeks) , and they've said they are a little concerned he may inadvertantly be rude to/ upset their guests and this will cause them to get bad reviews on air b and b. They are going to remind him to be polite.

At least I get some space tonight. Have texted my manager and asked if I can take 2 days emergency a/l , ( kind of used my mum's illness as a cover), as I just feel I need some total breathing space atm.

Just a slight good thing, whatever happens childcare wise I will be fine, as their is a very good nursery, (oftsed outstanding), right in the street next to my flat.

I'm so sorry you are going through this @Mommabear20 , trying to bully you into an abortion is disgusting behaviour. What and awful, despicable man.

You say he takes his temper out on you and your DS, do you mean he's physically violent ? 💐for you x

Oh, and apparently he's moaning/ grumping already, "all I wanted was assurances she wouldn't turn out like Lauren.*"

Adults don’t need reminding to behave acceptably.

basically you’re a walking vagina to him.

I think you have made the right decision but brace yourself for when he realises you won't have him back.

Unfortunately this man is going to be in your life for the next 18 years or so and it doesn't sound like he is going to make it easy for you.

Yes, i do think it's telling the first thing they said to him was "please behave and don't upset our guests."

WOW - I hope you keep this thread as a reminder to why you’ve broken up!

Babies are hard work, but much harder when you have a poor ‘partner’ - you don’t need that pressure. You’ll find your friends and family step up and will help you out - you can do this!

Wow. Just wow.

OP I sincerely hope you take all of the advice from this thread and get rid of this monster.

I was in a similar situation 15 years ago and dragged myself through it naively thinking it would get better. It didn't, of course. I wish I'd extracted myself earlier but lessons learnt and all that. I don't ask anything of him and he stays at a very far distance and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't even want his stinking money although I am lucky that I don't need it.

It has made me so angry on your behalf reading this. I'd like to say "you know this isn't normal, right?" But I think I was quite like you way back when, worried about the future, worried about what people would say and think, including his family. I wish I hadn't cared.

Luckily I got out when my DD was 2 but only because it had escalated to the point where he was physically violent. It was only then I "allowed" myself to see it as domestic abuse and do all the really hard stuff like removing his belongings from the flat I'd been so scared to apply for housing benefit for, telling his family he was an abuser, sorting out all the bills on my own etc etc.

Regret: he is on the birth certificate and she has his surname (although it has been changed by deed pole to have mine on the end which works for most situations). But anyway, you WON'T let it even get to that point, will you OP?

You can see how this man will fill your life with even more misery the longer this continues?

First time I've ever responded to this sort of thread with this level of fire in my belly.

The level of abuse is unreal.

Pp are right, your friends will rally around.

Please please leave him.

Don't let him back through the door. The abuse will only get worse post-baby as you will be more vulnerable.

He is incapable of prioritising anyone's needs or wants but his own. You are going to be running around after a new baby, you're not going to have the time to tiptoe round him or put up with his pathetic nonsense.

And he's going to have to pay CM whether he likes it or not.

Yes, I genuinely worry running around after him and a new baby would be too much together

Not only would it be too much for you, but there is literally no reason why you should do it! He is an adult who is just fucking shit at adulting and generally being a half-acceptable human being. This is fundamentally not your problem (except to the extent you have to co-parent with this arsehole). Reading the list of things you have had to put up with from him makes me furious on your behalf.

In your place, I would send him a text saying 'Hi X, just to let you know I've had a think about our relationship and I'm afraid it's over for me. Let me know when you'd like to collect your stuff. I'll be in touch about the baby'. If he kicks off, send him a list of the stuff you've set out on this thread and tell him this is a fucking unacceptable way to treat another human being and he's lucky you're not reporting him for domestic abuse.

Check what you'd be entitled to as a single parent

Don't hyphenate and don't put him on the B/C

But do claim maintenence

Having checked on the entitled to calculator, I'd be entitled to 85% of nursery costs + £50.00 uc pcm for me, plus 21.00 pw Child benefit if we split, ( well I'd be entitled to the CB regardless).

According to the CMS calculator, he'd have to pay approx. £200.00 cms a month, which he'd probably find very unfair, but can't be helped I guess.

I’m glad you asked him to leave. Although, I am concerned that these older friends may put pressure on you to let him back (because of his behaviour).

l would be absolutely succinct and tell them that he is no longer your concern and his housing needs are his to sort out.

i would also, block his number.

Yes, i can't imagine they are keen to have him stay too long as they are very worried he will "accidentally," say something to upset the air b and b guests. They/ him don't think of it as a split, just him staying away for a few days to givve me space/ learn to behave....

You don't owe him or these friends of his anything OP. You need to put yourself and your baby first. Don't let him back. You owe him nothing.