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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

End things while pregnant

234 replies

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 06:48

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

  • Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
  • Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.
My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"
  • Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.
I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 18:20

Your poor mate, he's bullying her and it actually meets the legal threshold for harassment as a public order offence:

"A person is guilty of an offence if, with intent to cause a person harassment, alarm or distress, he uses threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour, or disorderly behaviour"

If I was her I would be tempted to send one message saying she wants no contact with him and that if he ever contacts her again she will report him for harassment.

Vile, nasty man. God what a cunt.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 18:22

Sorry meant to say congrats on a healthy scan, I'm so pleased your baby is doing well - you sound determined to never even consider letting this arsehole back into your home and I really hope you stick to it as it sounds like you'll be a great mum who can have a lovely life free of this eejit other than for co-parenting purposes.

And I have a strong feeling he isn't exactly going to step up on that front which while sad in one way, will also probably be a bit of a relief as he adds no value to your life and I can't see a misogynist, sex obsessed bully like him being a good dad either.

You're enough for your baby, don't ever forget that Flowers

Cherrysoup · 06/05/2022 19:29

Seriously, has he something wrong with him? He sounds like a sociopath, zero feelings for others, couldn’t care less if someone is hurt by him. Sending stupid pictures to your friends? Batshit. And all he cares about is having sex! Obsessed and weird, frankly, not to mention embarrassing and a dreadful role model for your dd.

Newestname002 · 06/05/2022 20:17

@milkyway100

The one thing is, he does seem to have some level of self awareness. He was ranting down the phone, "it's easy for you to break up with me, women can get a new boyfriend in five minutes, no one will ever go out with me again, do you know how many years without sex I waited before we got together !?"

This sounds more like a sense of entitlement to me, rather than any level of self awareness. Why he thought you had to let him back in your home when your baby is born escapes me - it's deluded and irrational thinking.

You need someone like this in your life like a hole in the head, and I'm so glad you've hoisted him out of your home and day to day life. Please do ensure you contact CMS so he can contribute financially to the needs of the baby.

You sound as though you'll be all the better (as will your child) without him. I really admire the way you are dealing with this - onward and upwards. 🌹

feistymumma · 06/05/2022 20:26

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 07:59

Also, to add some context, he doesn't normally work weekends, ( he is contracted Monday-Friday only), but rang his boss very late, ( post 10.00pm last night), demanding at the last minute to cover the shift of a colleague who was sick to punish me for allowing my friend over, ( we had pre-booked plans this afternoon, which I now need to cancel, and mean we are unlikely to be able to book again). His boss even sounded quite surprised, saying, " it's a bit late, you told me you were busy on Sunday when I asked you to cover xxx shift due to sick leave earlier in the week," but my BF just got snappy and was like " I want to do it now, can I do it or not !?" and so his boss let him come in.

He also really upset me when giving me a lift to my 16 week midwife appointment a few weeks ago. He was meant to be dropping me to the appointment on his way to work, I was meant to be going straight to work after the appointment. He rushed me out of the flat so quickly I forgot my purse, when I found this out he refused to lend me the £4.00 needed for the train to work, as "it's not my fault you forgot your purse," and so I was left stranded at the hospital. I couldn't get to work, so after the midwife appointment had to phone my boss and pretend I was sick and take a days sick leave, and then had to walk home in over an hour. He easily could have taken cash out from the cash point in hospital reception to lend me £4.00 to get the train, but he chose not to.

He is absolutely disgusting. Who even does that. OP, please please get rid.

REignbow · 06/05/2022 20:34

I’m glad the scan went well.

You already know he is awful. However, he is not self aware, he is just an entitled, bullying sex pest. Your poor friend.

May l offer some advice?

Do not anwser any withheld or unknown numbers. If it is important, then the person calling will either leave a message or text. This way, you are further setting boundaries with him.

Why do you have to meet him? Sort everything out via email or if you feel you do need to meet, then leave it for at least a month or two (I would also take a friend a long).

BobHadBitchTits · 06/05/2022 21:02

There is something very, very wrong with this man.

Threetulips · 06/05/2022 22:10

I think the worry about being judged is firmly based on how he judges you and all your friends. That isn’t the narrative of the general public or your friends.

most people don’t care about the how’s and whys and just want to be your friend!

cocktailclub · 07/05/2022 00:00

Stay well away.
I am not sure I'd put him in the birth certificate
He's a complete waste of space

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 07/05/2022 16:51

BobHadBitchTits · 06/05/2022 21:02

There is something very, very wrong with this man.

Yep, I totally agree.

He shows no self awareness, only entitlement. Why does he think no-one else would want to go out with him or have sex with him? Has he really not worked out why this is?

You really don't need to see him, just let him know the scan went well. All future contact on a need to know basis only.

Oh, and all your friends will understand exactly why you have finished with him. They probably just wonder what took you so long.

StanleyGreen · 07/05/2022 20:40

He sounds like some kind of Incel.

Itstimetoquit · 11/05/2022 18:12

How are you op x

Herejustforthisone · 11/05/2022 19:51

What the actual fuck is wrong with him? Jesus Fucking Christ. 😳

milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 16:44

Thanks for asking after me. Apologies for the slow updates.

A couple of nights ago, about 10.00pm, the older couple came round with him banging on the door to the extent to my neighbour also came out to see what was going on. From what I could gather, he had seriously upset one of their air b and b guests, ( I don't know the details), but needed to "come home," immediately , as "Louise* ( air b and b guest), says she won't continue the stay unless he leaves tonight."

They all got quite agressive and nasty when I said no, he couldn't come back in, "what type of woman are you, leaving your man on the street !?"

For the record, I'm not actually leaving him on the street. He earns quite well, and could very, very easily afford a room in one of the HMO's available on spareroom, ( our city has a lot of HMO rooms available immediately at affordable rates).

My neighbour has offerred to be a witness if I want to go to the police, but so far I am trying to leave them out of it as I know, ( through work), that police call outs when pregnant could be a marker for getting SS involved and I could not deal with that stress atm. Obviously I would call the police if they were violent/ dangerous, but so far tth three of them all seem to be complete idiots.

Got a lot of baby equipment in over the past few days, ( am now 21 weeks), and just going to get excited for a peaceful life with the baby.

OP posts:
BBQBoke · 13/05/2022 17:19

That couple are as bad as he is. I would send them and your husband one last message telling the that your relationship with him is over, he is not your responsibility and to stop harassing you or you will involve the police. I would consider logging it with the police still as his, and their, behaviour is quite 🦇💩

milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 17:36

The one good thing about the disturbance/ banging was obviously I had to tell my neighbour we had split whilst pregnant, ( which I was pretty embarrassed about). She was actually quite supportive, and basically said, "we always thought you were too good for him anyway, and we hated the way he used to push/ shove past us on the stairs and say "me first." So hopefully the judgement won't be as bad as I fear.

R.e the older couple, they know his family back home, ( his family live abroad), so I think they feel obligated to house him, even though they clearly want him out/ clearly hate the rudeness towards their air bandb guests.

OP posts:
CliffsofMohair · 13/05/2022 17:40

People won’t be judging you for breaking up with him. Really. They’ll be wondering what took so long. They’ll be delighted not to have to deal with him anymore

milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 17:47

CliffsofMohair · 13/05/2022 17:40

People won’t be judging you for breaking up with him. Really. They’ll be wondering what took so long. They’ll be delighted not to have to deal with him anymore

Yes I'm really hoping that's the case. Even the neighbour seemed glad not to have to deal with him pushing and grunting "me first," on the stairwell anymore.

I have to tell myself that anyone that does judge doesn't know the reality of the situation.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2022 17:49

That couple are as bad as he is. I would send them and your husband one last message telling the that your relationship with him is over, he is not your responsibility and to stop harassing you or you will involve the police. I would consider logging it with the police still
100% this!

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 13/05/2022 17:56

Don’t relent. He has a job. He has money. Clearly tonight he needs to book into a hotel and this weekend he needs to sort a room in a HMO. Hopefully the couple he’s staying with will move onto this line of thinking now you’ve made it clear AGAIN that you don’t want him back.
If the harassment continues, telling the police might be the best thing. If ss do need to check things with you, it’ll take them 5 seconds to see that you’re busy getting ready for baby and all is great at your end.

milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 17:57

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2022 17:49

That couple are as bad as he is. I would send them and your husband one last message telling the that your relationship with him is over, he is not your responsibility and to stop harassing you or you will involve the police. I would consider logging it with the police still
100% this!

My only worry is if I report a "domestic disturbance," at the address, will the police have to refer to SS as I am pregnant ?

Myself, I am not a danger to a child. Work full-time, no drink, drugs, mental health problems, learning disabilities etc.

But I'm just worried this would potentially lead to the stress of SS referral / investigation ?

OP posts:
BBQBoke · 13/05/2022 18:10

Even if the police did refer you to SS, you will be able to demonstrate that you are capable of taking care of your baby and have put them and their wellbeing first by removing an abusive prick from your home. But I really think having it logged with the police now will provide you with evidence of his behaviour should it become an issue further down the line where SS could still be alerted, you won't be punished for being proactive in trying to manage what's going on.

Sweepingeyelashes · 13/05/2022 18:40

Do not even think of putting him on the birth certificate. Give her your surname and whatever first name YOU like. He can get parental rights but I'd be making it as difficult as possible for him. I understand you can still claim child support. I suppose it's a positive you're not married to him or he'd be going for half your house. I wouldn't feel obliged to share anything of this pregnancy with him. I certainly wouldn't have him at the birth and I'd probably tell the hospital to ban him. I probably wouldn't even tell him right away when the baby was born. He has behaved disgracefully and you don't need to be kind and reasonable to him.

I would have no hesitation in alienating my daughter from him rather than putting on a brave face about his truly awful behaviour. I imagine you'll have plenty of opportunity. Flame me if you like but this is a man who sent hippo pictures to her friend who had a weight problem and was sensitive about it, has abused her, is insanely jealous, broke her stuff, badgered her for sex because he's entitled, mocked her to his friends, pushed and grunted "me first," on the stairwell, made her walk for an hour when she ended up stranded at the hospital pregnant without her purse etc and has such vile habits that other people can't stand to be in the house with him. I fail to see how he could have any positive effect on your daughter.

milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 19:15

BBQBoke · 13/05/2022 18:10

Even if the police did refer you to SS, you will be able to demonstrate that you are capable of taking care of your baby and have put them and their wellbeing first by removing an abusive prick from your home. But I really think having it logged with the police now will provide you with evidence of his behaviour should it become an issue further down the line where SS could still be alerted, you won't be punished for being proactive in trying to manage what's going on.

And I suppose now, the police could give them a harassment warning to stop them turning up at the flat ? ( he has all his stuff now).

None of the three are physically violent/ threatening, but it is just a stress I don't need.

I think it should also be helpful my neighbour is a witness. And I suppose a call now might nip this in the bud and stop the older couple thinking about dumping him and all his stuff back here on the doorstep !

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 19:16

Sweepingeyelashes · 13/05/2022 18:40

Do not even think of putting him on the birth certificate. Give her your surname and whatever first name YOU like. He can get parental rights but I'd be making it as difficult as possible for him. I understand you can still claim child support. I suppose it's a positive you're not married to him or he'd be going for half your house. I wouldn't feel obliged to share anything of this pregnancy with him. I certainly wouldn't have him at the birth and I'd probably tell the hospital to ban him. I probably wouldn't even tell him right away when the baby was born. He has behaved disgracefully and you don't need to be kind and reasonable to him.

I would have no hesitation in alienating my daughter from him rather than putting on a brave face about his truly awful behaviour. I imagine you'll have plenty of opportunity. Flame me if you like but this is a man who sent hippo pictures to her friend who had a weight problem and was sensitive about it, has abused her, is insanely jealous, broke her stuff, badgered her for sex because he's entitled, mocked her to his friends, pushed and grunted "me first," on the stairwell, made her walk for an hour when she ended up stranded at the hospital pregnant without her purse etc and has such vile habits that other people can't stand to be in the house with him. I fail to see how he could have any positive effect on your daughter.

Thanks. I definitely don't want him at the birth at all.

OP posts:
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