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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

End things while pregnant

234 replies

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 06:48

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

  • Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
  • Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.
My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"
  • Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.
I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 25/04/2022 21:09

Ah he's just texted, and said "sorry, i know i've behaved badly over the last few weeks, but ever since i heard lauren* waited 18 months to have sex i've got really scared and resentful you will do the same." Feeling more and more off putting by the moment tbh

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 25/04/2022 21:34

Annnddd another text, "yes I know I've been rude recently but all I need is some assurance from you it won't be 18 months," so. missing. the .point

Generally he's always had this attitude about sex though, earlier in the pregnancy when I was feeling really sick it was all, " but I need it, please, i'll be quick, it will only take two minutes etc, i just need it "

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 25/04/2022 21:47

He’s not missing the point, he’s reiterating the point so you don’t get any ideas about shutting up shop.

milkyway100 · 25/04/2022 21:59

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/04/2022 21:47

He’s not missing the point, he’s reiterating the point so you don’t get any ideas about shutting up shop.

The sad thing is that's true. in his head he feels so entitled to sex he feels he's right to keep insisting/ reiterating it.

OP posts:
Chickmad · 25/04/2022 22:32

The fact that sex is his priority tells you all you need to know.
He isn't concerned about how you or the baby are.
Can you change your locks or get someone to help you change them? It isn't tricky to DIY and costs far less than a locksmith.
I think now he is out it would be very foolhardy to let him back in.
Surely you can feel yourself less on edge when he is out of the house?

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/04/2022 22:34

Maybe he’ll get it printed on a t shirt for you “Don’t be like Lauren!”

PickAChew · 25/04/2022 23:40

He's working really hard at ensuring you have the ick forever. It speaks volumes that he is oblivious to how bloody revolting he us.

Threetulips · 25/04/2022 23:44

He is revolting. What are you planning to do?

Newestname002 · 26/04/2022 02:58

Change your locks ASAP @milkyway100 - before he has a chance to come and let himself in. Could one of YOUR (not his) family or friend do this for you?

I read your OP and updates with rising anger and sadness on your behalf and I really hope you take the good advice you've been given here.

This selfish, poor excuse for a man is so sure of himself he's not bothering to hide his increasingly poor behaviour from friends or family- can you imagine how much worse he will get if you let him back into your home after all this, especially when you are most vulnerable with your newborn baby?

Neither you nor your child needs someone so unkind and uncaring in your lives. Pack his stuff whilst he's out (get someone to help you if necessary) and get one of his friends to deliver it to him. You do not owe him anything at all - quite the reverse. Time to focus on yourself and your baby.

Thank goodness you aren't married to him and own your own home. Please change all your passwords - especially your bank accounts so he can't access your finances. Remember to claim your council tax 25% discount as soon as he is out of your home. You can do that online on your council's website.

Good luck! 🌹

Shoxfordian · 26/04/2022 06:28

I’ve read all your posts; please don’t even think of ever letting him cross your threshold again- change the locks, tell him it’s over, there’s so many reasons to break up with him! I would suggest some therapy as well for you. Can you get your mum to come over? Don’t go back to him

Herejustforthisone · 26/04/2022 07:06

milkyway100 · 25/04/2022 21:59

The sad thing is that's true. in his head he feels so entitled to sex he feels he's right to keep insisting/ reiterating it.

The more you say about him the more revolted I am.

You don’t seem revolted enough though and I’m really worried you’re going to let him back in.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 26/04/2022 10:33

Trying to get you to promise you won’t make him wait 18 months partpartum to have sex is utterly ridiculous. Yes, 18 months is a long time and some men might get fed up and leave before that point. But trying to make you promise to have sex with him at whatever imaginary point in the future is lunacy. Consent doesn’t work like that. Even if it did, you can’t predict how soon after birth you will feel like resuming your sex life. It could be 3 weeks, it could be 6 months. Both of those time periods are common. You can’t promise him it will be 3 months and know that he will try to hold you to that. That’s abusive behavior again. Sometimes recovery just takes longer, particularly if you have any issues with infections or healing
He’s totally missing the point that his immature abusive behavior is far more likely to lead to you permanently refusing sex with him by dumping him than the birth is likely to lead to you not wanting sex at all for 18months.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 26/04/2022 10:33

Trying to get you to promise you won’t make him wait 18 months partpartum to have sex is utterly ridiculous. Yes, 18 months is a long time and some men might get fed up and leave before that point. But trying to make you promise to have sex with him at whatever imaginary point in the future is lunacy. Consent doesn’t work like that. Even if it did, you can’t predict how soon after birth you will feel like resuming your sex life. It could be 3 weeks, it could be 6 months. Both of those time periods are common. You can’t promise him it will be 3 months and know that he will try to hold you to that. That’s abusive behavior again. Sometimes recovery just takes longer, particularly if you have any issues with infections or healing
He’s totally missing the point that his immature abusive behavior is far more likely to lead to you permanently refusing sex with him by dumping him than the birth is likely to lead to you not wanting sex at all for 18months.

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 26/04/2022 10:47

I'm so glad to hear your Mum is now out of hospital and on the mend Op.

Re your partner, when I read this "and how that would be hard for him, "as you had sex earlier in your life, but I still have to catch up, as I didn't have much sex before you." Honestly my first though was Does he have learning difficulties? Because this sounds like something a 13 year old would say, not a fully functioning adult. They attitude to sex and the snatching of drinks and food off people and your plate is really, really abnormal. Has he ever been tested?

However, all that is by the by as whatever his "problems" you don't need them in your life when they are so detrimental to your well-being. Can you imagine how jealous he will be of the attention you give to your child and how he will be snatching food from them or hiding the baby equipment etc. His behaviour is so extreme and so weird you may need to monitor his interactions with the baby before you allow unsupervised visits. Maybe he could see the child under the supervision of his parents.

Please use this time to get the locks changed so you know you are secure in your home and only then let him know it's over. And please give the baby your name only.

milkyway100 · 26/04/2022 18:51

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 26/04/2022 10:47

I'm so glad to hear your Mum is now out of hospital and on the mend Op.

Re your partner, when I read this "and how that would be hard for him, "as you had sex earlier in your life, but I still have to catch up, as I didn't have much sex before you." Honestly my first though was Does he have learning difficulties? Because this sounds like something a 13 year old would say, not a fully functioning adult. They attitude to sex and the snatching of drinks and food off people and your plate is really, really abnormal. Has he ever been tested?

However, all that is by the by as whatever his "problems" you don't need them in your life when they are so detrimental to your well-being. Can you imagine how jealous he will be of the attention you give to your child and how he will be snatching food from them or hiding the baby equipment etc. His behaviour is so extreme and so weird you may need to monitor his interactions with the baby before you allow unsupervised visits. Maybe he could see the child under the supervision of his parents.

Please use this time to get the locks changed so you know you are secure in your home and only then let him know it's over. And please give the baby your name only.

I don't think he has a learning disability tbh, I think it's extreme immaturity / showing off, ( we're both 29). My feeling is if this was a genuine learning disabilty he'd snatch food/ drink off of anybody, but he wouldn't do this to his manager/ colleagues etc cos he knows there would be a real consequence e.g. getting sacked. Wheras with my friend, when we met her outside and he snatched the coffee cup out her hand and drank it, we both had a go at him but there was no "real," danger and he sort of laughed it off/ was clearly doing it on a bit of a wind up/ trying to test boundaries.

Unfortunately, his parents won't be able to supervise contact with the baby as his family all live abroad. Their comments are based on what they see of his behaviour when they visit, plus witnessing him being rude/ obnoxious to me when they video call us, ( they video call him a few times a week).

The sex thing is weird. It's always been a bugbear of his that I have had "more," sex than him, ( I had a couple of long-term relationships previously so had more frequent sex than him). Obviously we previously had frequent sex, but since I've been pregnant he has moaned incessantly that the nausea put me off sex and how unfair this was to him, with the "but it will only take me two minutes," comments making me feel a bit grossed out.

He's now overheard my friend telling me it took her 18 months to have sex again, and even though I've never said that, I'm getting a constant stream of , " ever since I heard Lauren I feel sick, i want you to promise you won't be like Lauren," and, " we should have sex now, as in a few months the bump will get too big for us to have sex," and "you will still give me BJ's when the bump is too big," etc.

I can't see myself letting him back in tbh. My parents can't come round as my mum, ( although discharged), is still very, very ill but I've spoken to acouple of friends on the phone who have been very supportive.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 26/04/2022 18:58

Good grief he’ll be suggesting anal next.

milkyway100 · 26/04/2022 19:03

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/04/2022 18:58

Good grief he’ll be suggesting anal next.

I won't be taking him up on that !

OP posts:
ValBiro · 26/04/2022 19:09

Stay strong OP. I think you know you are making the best decision, right?

ImInStealthMode · 26/04/2022 19:13

For the love of god. OP this is about the worst example of narcissistic bullying male behaviour I've read here. I was married to an awful creature but in comparison to your bloke he's an angel.

Text him now and tell him you have in fact 'done a Lauren' except right starting now, and lasting forever. He can pick up his stuff when he has a chance and you'll let him know when the baby's here so he can visit his child. In the meantime he can fuck off and grow up.

Then tell EVERYONE it's over (I promise your friends will be rejoicing in the streets) and start making plans for you and your baby without him in them.

milkyway100 · 26/04/2022 19:13

ValBiro · 26/04/2022 19:09

Stay strong OP. I think you know you are making the best decision, right?

yes, i do worry about the "judgement" etc from others but it can't be helped.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 26/04/2022 19:15

@milkyway100 Honestly, I don't mean this to be harsh, but if you were my friend I'd judge you more for staying with him than leaving. You cannot subject your baby to this life.

ValBiro · 26/04/2022 19:18

@ImInStealthMode yes, I had one too who almost pales in comparison to this guy. And mine was physically violent too. This one almost seems worse.

@milkyway100 I know, I worried too when I ended things. You've got this. I think you'll be surprised by how many of your friends and acquaintances will be breathing a sigh of relief on your behalf, rather than judging you negatively. And to any who do but don't have the sense to keep it to themselves - I think you will just have to rise above that, safe in the knowledge you have absolutely done what is best for you and your unborn child.

ValBiro · 26/04/2022 19:20

Sorry, I mean, almost seems worse to me in the sense that i know people judge physical violence as 'worse' in terms of DV - which is obviously not true.

FromOurHatsToOurFeet · 26/04/2022 19:37

yes, i do worry about the "judgement" etc from others but it can't be helped

It sounds as if any one who has ever met him will understand.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/04/2022 19:38

OP even his own friends and family think he is a twat.

Anyone who knows you will be happy and relieved that you've dumped him. I would never judge someone for leaving a dickhead whilst pregnant but I would judge you for staying with someone who was so rude to me if I was your friend