April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

Just writing this as I would come across as a fantasist if I told anyone else.

Parents have a hill farm. Miles from anywhere, absolutely pitch dark at night, very long track to drive to the parking area then a 25 metre walk to the door. Plenty of outdoor floodlight type things but you have to switch them on (in the house) - they don't have sensors. Also, they have an enormous, scratching, lunatic dog.

I wanted to drop something off for my sibling, who lives there.

Sibling mentioned to my mum that I would be stopping briefly. Sibling put the lights on for me.

Luckily sibling saw first hand (so we've been able to discuss it). My mum heard my car, ran with the dog around the kitchen, shouting and winding it up, then let it out. It ran down the drive thinking there was a burglar or other incident, jumped up me several times, scratched me accidentally and scratched my car. She then turned all the lights off outside so I couldn't make my way up to the house (I was still battling with the dog).

This isn't anything unusual or particularly "bad" behaviour for her. It makes it impossible for me to discuss with others as it sounds ridiculous.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I've already given away the craft kit. The money will be spent on either house stuff, school shoes for the kids or a few takeaways.

I think DH was trying to give me some perspective when I was upset. I told him that it wasn't helpful, he doesn't really understand as my mother is normally very careful about how she tries to control me. It normally doesn't work, but being back in the old home just took me back 30 years.

She is incredibly passive aggressive. And if she thinks she can rip me apart mentally, she will do it. The last time she had a major attempt was last summer, accusing me of being stressed. It was as I was running late for my covid jab, car broke down and I needed a lift (she and dad were at my house to look after kids as I went for the vaccination). And DH was away, a ferry ride away, sitting at his mother's deathbed. She had been building up to this for months and took the one opportunity where nobody else could overhear to try and tear me apart. I didn't rise to it.

A few months later she sent my dad to me to tell me my actions were upsetting her, tearing the family apart. Because he hadn't heard what she had said, he never did, he only had her side of the story.

And now he is following her lead in terms of food. I'd rather they didn't cook than what they do. It makes me sound ungrateful, I know. But they afford less care for me than they do my sister. When she is round at their house, they make sure not to serve chocolate biscuits for example, because she doesn't like chocolate. It doesn't make her ill, but she just doesn't like it.

I'm just ruminating now, it doesn't help me. But man, it's funny how the smallest thing can make me feel small and right back where I was.

Thank you all for your kind words.

@Spotchnot i hear you. I really do. We understand and you will get tons of support here. The bastards are really good at making you seem “hysterical”, “unreasonable” to negate what you feel and to shift the blame to you. Your husband probably comes from a normal home and doesn't 100% get it. Hugs to you.

@Frith2013 Jesus H Christ, what is wrong with these people? By any chance, is she jealous of your relationship with your sibling or very controlling of your sibling? These people are often incredibly good at divide and rule. Your mum is AWFUL doing that. It must have been really frightening,

Hag has now phoned twice to get the arrangements since she spoke to Mr Monkey an hour ago. She is coming round on Saturday when we decide, NOT when she decides.

She will want to come round at the crack of dawn because she views us as some kind of toxic elder day care. Over my dead body.

She's getting picked up by MM when SIL arrives and not a minute before.
I'm saying hello and then I'm off.

The early visitation of HELL used to be a fave trick of wit by sheer bullying to come early for any arrangement. MM now doesn't let this happen.

She's not welcome here anymore, and hasn't been here since March 2021.

I'm not having her sitting on our sofa “waiting” for sister in law and MOANING and watching Heartbeat at 100 decibels. And making our house toxic.

It's now THIS shit, a meal in the evening and a meal on the Sunday. Please send gin.

I suppose on one level it's important for the nephews to see their grandmother, but on another level - ours - it's hell. I'm going to explain what's been going on to SIL.

The alternative is MM taking valuable holiday days and taking the Hag on an right hour train journey to North Scotland. I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy.

And, of course, as she didn't “understand” the arrangement or it wasn't to her liking, she got Slave Son* to ring MM for clarification. And, of course, Slave Son did as he was bid. He's 64.

I wish I was on holiday with my sane family in Wales right now.

I can and WILL get through this. On my terms. The moment she steps out of line...

*slave son is an idiot as he's the de facto husband and hasn't had a relationship since the 1980s.

@MonkeyfromManchester

i love hearing how MM stands up for himself and has taken control. Fingers crossed it’s all of us one day.

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor we WILL all get there. Abusers do a complete number on their victims. We feel guilty and obliged. Controlled. The abuse continues - either overtly or they get sneakier. No more here. She's a witch. End of. Onwards for us all! Xxx

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor and thank you! I'm so proud of MM, he doesn't deal with her BS and has started laughing at her. She totally deserves everything she gets.

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor and thank you! I'm so proud of MM, he doesn't deal with her BS and has started laughing at her. She totally deserves everything she gets.

Can I join please? 😢 48 years of abuse and I genuinely think I’ll never be fixed.

Welcome Parish 😊
In my desperation at the toll looking after my 90 year old narc Mum is causing me , l contacted Carers Wales for help. They were brilliant. Have enrolled in 2 online meetings looking for help with assertiveness and confidence.
I gleaned some facts/answers l didn't know from my phone call yesterday but. My siblings have done and do nothing to help me look after Mum , they don't even see her it speak to her very often. My brother has NC with her at all . All they do and did when l was speaking with them was criticise everything l did .
The lady l spoke to said this is very common . The siblings who do nothing, complain about the one who does it all. I never knew this but she said it is to deflect guilt from them by attacking me . It has caused me such sadness and bewilderment, how could they be so horrible when l was doing everything? I look forward to hearing more from this valuable resource.
Hope everyone is coping , keep going 💐

As someone who is NC with my Mother I actually find it really difficult when my brother, golden child who is still very much in her life, brings her up. Going no contact is a big decision with a huge amount of grief involved but no poper closure. It may simply be that you siblings don't want to hear about her but can't quite bring themselves to say that to you and instead come across and critical and unhelpful. You've clearly stated that your mother is a "Narc" but yet have decided to stay in a relationship with her, that is your choice, but your siblings have chosen differently and you need to respect their choices.

@Parishcouncil welcome! You will get so much support here and NO judgement. Xxx

@TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans that is so interesting about family dynamics and caring. It doesn't excuse your siblings, but helps you “get it”. So glad you've got that support and you will always get it here.

Well, I decided to go to Wales to join MY family. Just thrown stuff in a rucksack and I'm getting the 10am train. I want to spend time with NORMAL people. It will help gird my loins for what i’ll face this weekend with the toxic MIL.

Big conversation with MM last night about how we navigate the weekend. She's NOT sitting on our sofa all Saturday being Queen Narc and a complete bitch. If she kelpt her flat unlike a slum, she wouldn't need to be here. And the responsibility for the slum with ripped sofas is hers, but she doesn't think about the impact.

He WILL call out her behaviour. He's a different person to who he was pre counselling, although he'd put loads of boundaries in place, for which he was praised by his therapist. So proud.

Take care, gang of survivors and battlers.

Xxx

@MonkeyfromManchester - I hope you will be putting down a piece of tarpaulin on the sofa for The Hag to sit on. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting toxic people in your home. You'll have to waft burning sage around the house when she's gone.

@Frith2013 - that sounds completely unhinged. What an awful thing to do. I hope you never go back there again.

@Spotchnot - my toxic sister is a master at what I call "deliberately thoughtless gifting". I mean, could a person really go to any LESS TROUBLE? Some of the shit that was wrapped and gifted to me, my dh, our kids, beggared belief. She did it deliberately because she is a bitter twisted nasty piece of work.

I have never regretted going NC with my family of origin then moving away and not disclosing my address. Removing toxic (or just plain batshit) people from our orbit is entirely our choice.

Some interesting things kicking off since the mother died. My toxic sister has gone to a lawyer and asked them to get my address!! Had an email saying they needed all my details. Er, no you don't so FUCK OFF!!!! Clearly, having removed me as executor, she now finds she has taken on a job she is totally incapable of. (This is a full on personality disorder nightmare woman who can't handle anything without having a complete meltdown.)

So she and wanker brother in law are now going to burn 20 grand in legal fees to have the will executed. That's money that could have gone to the grandkids. Yes, the grandkids my toxic sister and BIL had removed from the will and who will now receive nothing.

Nasty people never change. I send rousing solidarity to anyone who is in the process of going No Contact. It's worth it.

@Sicario sage is being purchased now. I predict she will love bomb the boys, drop hints that we are shits for not taking care of her (fuck off), moan about being lonely, ill, her clothes and her flat. NEVER another dull moment!

abd totally re gifts. It’s used as a weapon. Hag had piles of lovely gifts from family which were thrown into her spare room. She knew SIL and I bought them. Get this, she is now leaving them in the hallway of her block of flats for people to help themselves. Very deliberate and hurtful. Bit that I care. Fuck her. What a good catholic not giving them to a charity shop. I might drop her in it with the sister in law. 😂

god, your sister!!! I’m pretty sure the lawyers because of GDPR can’t release your address. Has your mum left you something? Hilarious that after all that manoeuvring re Her role in the will that she’s incompetent. So funny! Good on you for ducking the role. Because she’s full of avarice she won’t expect that because she imagines everyone is like her. This has made me laugh out loud on the train to sane family!

Thank you so much for the support MonkeyfromManchester
I am so looking forward to learning much more and ways to cope with my Mum .
I have been so manipulated and brainwashed by my family to be the carer of everyone, the peace maker for the whole lot of them . lt is so difficult to stop myself even though l could kick myself for being so daft to carry on doing it. The resulting guilt complex and feeling of responsibility for their wellbeing is so heavy a load

Oh yes l nearly forgot MM have the very best time with your family in Wales Cymru am Byth

You 're on the right thread.
Though, I feel so much better than I did two and a half years ago. I think about the injustice of it less (not never though :-/ )

Thankyou @TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans and @xJoyfulCalmWisdomx and @MonkeyfromManchester 😊

I don’t know what the protocol is and don’t want to upset anyone…should I just join in as appropriate?

I have literally thousands of situations buzzing in my head in which I was dismissed, belittled, wronged, hit, lied to, misled, gaslit & rejected all to make way for the golden child.

I’ve had to pull away, having
now admitted to myself that they just don’t want to take responsibility for the rift they have created between me & my brother. I’m the black sheep….& apparently it was all my fault 🙄

My dad, mum and brother all enable each other and support their behaviour and
attitude.

Is there a way of stopping these thoughts circling in my brain? It’s relentless. Therapy had to stop recently due to finances.

DH is great but doesn’t get it at all.

@Parishcouncil What I found helpful with my toxic mother in law was my keeping a journal - and talking here. Having it written down made the facts real and I couldn’t then doubt myself or think that I was overreacting. I found seeing her as little as possible has helped immeasurably. There are lots of resources at the top - go to page one - which are really helpful.

I said to my DH on Sunday that the thought popped into my head that my parents might take it upon themselves to visit the house we've just offered on. He told me not to be daft, of course they wouldn't be so nosy.

We spoke to them and the kids yesterday, they had been in the city DH works in for the day (he was WFH) and announced that they had tried to find his office to have a nosy at where he worked.

He doesn't think I'm daft any more. They are so nosy, they have to stake a claim in everything and anything. I know this is their response to me being very private. But I'm very private because I was given no privacy when I was younger.

Anyway, I'm not upset or hurt or angry. Just a little bemused by them. But what a classic example of their behaviour!

@Parishcouncil - it would be helpful if you could start working on emotional detachment from your toxic family members. They will never change, and there is nothing you can do about their behaviour. The only person you can control is you, and your reactions to them.

I completely understand about the intrusive, unwelcome thoughts. It's a natural part of the post-traumatic stress when you have been subjected to abuse for years.

This thread is a godsend for sharing your experiences and venting when you need to. You'll find lots of comrades here who are all in a very similar boat. We understand what you're talking about.

Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She is very good with toxic family relationships and has lots of short programmes on the various toxic dynamics at play.

Thankyou both, very much appreciated. Massively, actually. I’ve just watched some Dr Ramani with my jaw practically touching the floor. She has it spot-on, like she has been living with my ‘Dad’ for 30 years - it’s incredible. Described him to a T, right down to how he has got others to treat me. I’ll show DH the video when he gets home just to ‘prove’ the thought that he is a narcissist isn’t solely in my head.

Just join in Parish as and when you need , you may not find someone answers strainght away but a kindred soul will be along sooner or later lovely
Dr Romano is a great resource as is Dr Les Carter also on You Tube

Hello everyone

I haven't posted for a while. I finally went NC after LC for many years with my mother and for a while all has been calm. I cant find my original post to link to but it doesnt matter

I am now (nearly 11 months later) not sleeping properly and really full of guilt. I feel like she is missing her 2 grandkids grow up as she hasnt seen them for a year and she doesn't see photos etc obviously. They are also both v young so she has missed masses already.

I also worry that posting here gets me a very jaded view of what I should and shouldn't be doing (mob mentality lol)

I am worried I have made a massive mistake however I also know if I re contact her then go NC again that seems very wrong also (for all parties)

There is no easy answer I just wish I knew what to do.

My therapist said or guided me to the answer that if I cant make a decision then thats just it, I cant and I dont have to make a decision today...... HOWEVER my friend pointed out that by not making a decision it is making a decision (if you know what I mean)

I know I shouldn't act out of guilt, its not about me though its about her and the grandkids. I know about FOG etc

Thanks for reading and any thoughts are most appreciated

Readingtoaster

In your shoes, I would think about why I had made the choice to go NC. There must have been good, strong reasons. Do they still apply? Has she changed or addressed the issues or concerns? Or has nothing changed?

Your guilt may just be grief? Your children are missing out, your mother is missing out. But the relationship you wanted them to have may not be possible if the reasons for NC haven't disappeared.

Reading what has your Mum been like with your children? Has she treated them well? Or has she been nasty to them at all? lf my Mum had treated mine badly then l wouldn't have let her have anything to do with them but she is much different to them than she was to me . I understand you re the feeling guilty and that she is missing out on so much but you are thinking that she feels the way you would feel. How do you know what she is feeling , if she feels so sad why hasn't she apologised to you and behaved differently to you?
I get what you say re the mob mentality and l think you are right to question it because NC is not for everyone .Good luck with whatever you decide