April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

'It does feel
like a complete slap to both cheeks doesn’t it? You suffer in silence then find the confidence to acknowledge and speak up about the trauma just to then have zero support.'

Yes, a kick in the stomach for sure. Sorry, you're too messed up, go away. The one time I consulted I was told it was too much for them.
I would say I'm a regular functioning adult, lucky to have a lovely husband and children, a reasonable social life, I'm financially independent running my own business, I pay my taxes, full driving licence, no drink or drugs problems: what exactly is out of your scope, why am I too dirty for you to handle? I didn't say any of that at the time of course, because, shame, I am really so insufferable that even a professional recoils.
It's quite damaging to hear that actually. So after a few hours and a few £££ I was left out to dry and worse off.

The thing is, and we might not always feel like this, we are resilient. We've always had to be our own best friend, find our on way, with no help. We actually were raised by monsters and survived and function and sometimes thrive in spite of it all.
I don't know, maybe we shouldn't sit down and rake over it comprehensively with a potentially incredulous stranger, maybe we need a more ad hoc approach; whenever we can, building on what is healing to us personally and no one but ourselves know what that is.
Reading Stately Homes is not for the faint-hearted, super triggering at time, but also very cathartic. Online resources help too, videos (no-nonsense US ones). There are even things on Instagram that are really good these days.

Only my anecdotal experience but I've never seen anyone get significant results from therapy, I've seen people get much worse with years of therapy and medication, completely loose their footing and sink. I think the MH industry is mostly a money-making exercise and at its best, well-intentioned stabs in the dark.

@thisisme2468 this definitely happened to me, after a traumatic incident with my biological dad and had so many flashbacks after that and connecting of dots, brains are crazy. I am 40 and only really figuring out how much abuse and neglect I suffered as a child.

@LLAMA89
'I just feel so sad that every time I go lower and lower in communication, it even ends in disrespect and me feeling terrible.'
I think I know what you mean, it's strange dynamics, you think paced-out, respectful interactions will calm things down and it's the opposite.

'...I don't know how I didn't see things clearly for so long.'
It's the only thing we know. We want to have good relationships with our family.

I really fought admitting there was abuse, even when it was off-the-scale bat-shit and for all to see later in adulthood. It was always a one -off, there were circumstances, etc. I didn't want to admit to myself that I came from that sort of place.
I have few memories from childhood but, funny what you remember: being very confused by a mother at a child's birthday party saying 'Oh you're so and so's child, your mummy shouts a lot doesn't she?' And me b u r n i n g with shame; 'No, no she doesn't, and then 'but she's ill and it hurts..." as in, poor mummy, cries of pain you know, which was a lie of course but I had to defend her. Mortifyingly, the woman looked right into my eyes and said 'Oh she's ill is she? Yes it must hurt a lot.' I must have been around 5. Still feel the shame of being found out and the shame of telling a lie to this adult. The denial is a way to get on with it.

@LoveToWearADress 'don't minimise it; I lack empathy, I've always been like that and always will be. Your challenge is to accept it'
Staggering.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it...

@LoveToWearADress

and this

@roestbruin well maybe it's a shocking thing for a mother to say but she didn't try to gaslight me or deny anything ...

That all sounds very hard to process. I am sure you are confused about your father, and also dealing with your mother's narcissism.

I don't think you're going to get what you need from your mum, do you want to stay in touch with her? What do you get out of this relationship?

Hugs x

@LoveToWearADress True

@MyFragility Your post also resonated hauntingly for me, particularly:

They constantly used religion about forgiveness and moving on.

Exactly what family did/does. Of course, no one ever actually expressed remorse or asked forgiveness. They just feel entitled to our forgiving them because religion and faaaamily.

This is so insightful and yes I believe the brain releases the memories as and when it feels ready.

For me it was having a break from seeing my dad for 5 years and then being warm to him only to be insulted. At this point i knew it was him not me, and at the same time I could see how horrendous he was, and had a physical reaction. For months after I had memories flooding in, memories connecting into insights... truly disturbing. I think part of the onslaught of flashbacks was to do with now being married and 'safe'. The brain buries stuff as a way to survive I think.

Thanks @winningeasy

I don't think you're going to get what you need from your mum, do you want to stay in touch with her? What do you get out of this relationship?

I ask myself this after most interactions with her. I do get some things though. When I met up with her for the first time in 17 years she gave me some of my Dad’s things and lots of photos, which to be fair she’d put quite a bit of thought and time into. One day I’d like to watch the home videos he made of us so I’d get to see him ‘alive’ again and she has the only copies… I haven’t approached her about this yet though as she can’t do technology stuff.

But in terms of any kind of fulfilment from talking to her, not a lot unfortunately. Which makes me feel bad but then I’m not sure why it should.

@orchidmad I hope you can get those videos, you could make that a priority, and then maybe you would feel more free to step away x

Another one asking to join please.

I have an ongoing issue with my mother. Basically nothing I EVER do will ever be good enough. She is very very controlling. She has fallen out with some of her own siblings and hasn't spoken to them for decades. I am one of four children, the eldest, her relationship with her sons is infinitely better than it is is with me and my sister who she also tries to control.

Some examples -

I was never allowed friends in the house, as the house was never tidy enough (it was).

I wasn't really allowed to go out, go to the park (too dangerous), go on trains, watch eastenders or grange hill (would get bad behaviours).

I wasn't allowed to have feelings really looking back on it.

At university my dad died and, being the eldest I stepped up into the supportive role. Still I never could do anything right.

When I met my now husband, 'well i'm glad she's met someone who'll have her' only half joking.

As an adult I haven't been allowed to pursue the career I would have liked, too opinionated and she didn't agree with my opinion!

I was told I'd put my son in the 'wrong nursery' and nagged and nagged until I capitulated and moved him to a nursery in a prep school a 20 mile round trip away. the first nursery was fine.

I was told she hated our first house and she practically chose our current one which I now hate.

I can never do anything right, she comes over and tells me what other people do and how it is better. Nor can my husband. When I've had issues with my husband 'we don't do divorce in our family'.

My children have sen, 'we don't label our children' when they were diagnosed with autism, didn't speak to me for months over that. When eldest was traumatised by school she came over and raged at him and at me when I took decision to home educate. Comments like 'you always get your own way'. 'I'm embarrassed of you' when I needed a bit of respite she wouldn't help 'too embarrassed to be seen out they should be in school'. Covid actually stopped much of this but the hurt is still there. Son did well in his GCSE's and went to college in the end. NO recognition that i did the right thing by him.

Recently my uncle, her brother died and I was the one taking her to the hospital and then care home because 'she couldnt' find it'. This was at a time that I was trying to get son through his GCSEs at home. She moaned all the time that 'I wasn't available enough'. My uncle had quite a large amount of money. She came round to our house for dinner , first time in over a year. Told me that I shoudl have botox like my sister and her hairdresser who look beautiful! NIce and then went on to tell me how she's given certain family members money because they were the only ones who did anything when her brothers were ill. I hit the roof. She assumed it was about money (it wasn't) it was recognition that I did the driving at times that weren't convenient. She stormed out and drove home (2 miles) having had a skin full. But not after having said she still thought I was in the wrong over the children's diagnoses and education in front of them!.

This was 3 weeks ago, we haven't spoken since.

Here's the problem i don't know how to deal with. It's her birthday coming up and we all as a family have booked a weekend away and I just don't know what to do. I feel that I should go. My children adore her. I want to go low / no contact because I deserve better and I'll never be free. My worry about this is losing siblings. We all live fairly close.

Any words of wisdom?

Hi, I used to post on here several years ago but haven’t been back for a while.
My parents haven’t been in my life for almost 5 years. My Mum is completely insane, years of emotional abuse, physical for my siblings, just threats of violence for me. Looking back at the way she treated us is horrific in a kind of abstract way, although I sometimes still catch myself wondering if I’m overreacting and it was normal.
When it all came to a head and I couldn’t deal with her anymore, my Dad basically said he didn’t want to speak to me either. That was that, my Dad has always been fairly weak, the kind of person who runs away from any conflict at all. Even if it means throwing his own kids under the bus to get away. It’s probably why they got married, my Mum could have an argument in an empty room.
The pain of losing them has really hit me this week, I’m not sure why. When you cut contact there’s almost a feeling of not being allowed to grieve. The anger has all gone, the parents I thought I had never really existed. I don’t want to see these people again but it still feels like a loss.

I would give yourself some time away from her and see how you feel. She’s always going to judge you by her own messed up standards.

She would be upset that she didn’t get any money so she can’t see that it’s about anything else for you.

You don’t owe her anything, you have your own life to live. As long as she can take from you and hurt you, then she will.

Personally, I would fake a stomach bug for the weekend away. It’s a last minute thing that you can’t help. Pretend how sad you are not to be going. You’re M will be pissed about it but not be able to say anything because it will make her look bad. So she might not contact you for a while after anyway.

Congratulations on getting your son through his GCSE’s by the way. That’s not an easy task.

@namchangeforthis post above was in reply to you. Sorry can’t edit it.

When does this hurt stop, how much longer? I’m at work and people are surrounded by photos of their family and it hurts. There are 2 school events on this week & seeing my DD’s friends with their grandparents is hurting. Proper double-over, can’t breathe properly, headpain hurt.

My mind is playing tricks on me. Telling me they must have hated me, categorically, because he & I had polar opposite experiences of childhood with them, even now, approaching 50 years later, it’s not even a question, it’s a statement…but then the other side of my mentality tells me it absolutely was them, because other relatives saw it too.

Every day brings a new memory & I hate waking up now. Same emotions day in, day out, same battle. The internal battle in my head and I’m beyond exhausted from the fake smiling at school drop-off and pick-up. One friend knows the basics, very, very basics. How the hell do you get a friend to try & ‘get’ your 47 years of emotional and verbal abuse received by people who are supposed to care and love unconditionally in just 3 sentences? I don’t want to be that person at the gate that people ignore because I’m too ‘heavy’ yet equally I just want someone one afternoon to ask how I really am, that gesture that tells you you’re ‘cared for’ if that makes sense.

Haven’t heard back from my aunt since finally having the strength to open up to her. She said she would always be there for me. Another failure on my part.

They sure did a good job on me, I’ll give them credit for that.

Please don’t give them credit for nothing . They are abusers and you were their victim. Nothing you did made them your victim . If I was their daughter , I would of been their victim. The abuse you suffered and still do is absolutely no reflection on you . You are an amazing person . Do you listen to pod casts ? I’ve found these very helpful . One of my favourites is Lisa Romano , check her out . I’ve listened to her topics of narcissism. If you have a close friend , must be someone you trust , please find the strength to confide and in her. The more people you share with the better . Never Ever feel or be embarrassed for the abuse you suffered. You are not them . You are way way much better . You are amazing .

With all due respect @Ydkiml it's really difficult to share this with people who've had a reasonable childhood and decent parents.To a certain extend they can be sympathetic but they can't conceive the very nature of the abuse, nor do they wish to, quite frankly. It's just too much for most friends. They advise you to cut your parents some slack, or that one day you might regret not having mended bridges, or that it's just run of the mill mother/daughter bickering.
I agree it's not something you should feel embarrassed about but you have to be careful who you share with. You don't want to carry a judgement from people who really don't know much about the situation, on top of having to deal with this luggage.
Postcasts etc. are good I agree.

Sleepyhay thanks for the message.

She actually got all of the money! And is dividing it amongst 'the most worthy'! To her me raising it IS about the money. Only it isn't really it's about simple appreciation. As I said in the first thread, I just have to accept that nothing I do will ever ever be enough. The daughters owe, that's the role of the woman in my mum's head.

I'm not sure I can feign a sicky. I think it will be fairly obvious especially to my sister who knows about the situation.

It's just so strange. Do I just turn up without any contact first if she doesn't phone me? I ALWAYS cave and make the first contact, but I'm not going to this time. It's gone too far.

She is more than capable of going on this weekend and completely blanking me. She has done this kind of thing all of her life when I look back on it.

I need a rant so thank you in advance

I have been married for over a year but with my DH for 4 years. Our relationship has never been conventional or easy to say the least …

My DH insisted on returning to Auckland in August after spending 12 weeks there in February ( I had to work as I had just started a new job and joined him for a month). During our time there accompanied by mood swings and him sniping at me, I asked him if he wanted to stay/relocate etc to which he said “no” emphatically

We returned to the UK, I got approval for a mortgage, started looking for homes and then he didn’t want to continue anymore and he wanted to return to Auckland . It wasn’t really a discussion it was his decision and he assumed I’d be happy

A few things :
Our sex life is almost non existent . After being rejected so many times, I just don’t bother. Then I get resentful and you know the rest
I dislike living here - I feel very alone which he tells me I am being negative and difficult
we moved 3 hours from any major city = jobs are very difficult to find. He tells me I can just exercise and focus on myself ! I had a career, a life, my own finances, a car . He would never be in a position to take care of my lifestyle EVEN if I wanted or asked for that. When I mention anything you guessed I am being moody and dramatic.

He makes decisions without consulting me for example his sister announced when she’d pick me and his children up for Xmas …. Talk about being a deer in the headlights
He told me he no longer has time to text me while he works (he’s gone 16 hours a day and truthfully I LOVE it when he’s not here)
This morning he told me he had a dream about brown snakes which he looked up on the internet. He then looked at me and told me it’s about toxicity and negative people. He then looked at me before he left saying “try and have a happy day.” Implying I was the snake !!

He tells me he loves me and that I am his world but forgive me if I seem a little cynical as I don’t see any action that demonstrates that

Thanks for listening just needed to vent ….

Hi @PixieDust19 , that sounds like no way to live. I wonder if you might get more appropriate responses on the Relationships board here? This thread is mainly used by adult children of neglectful parents, who justify their parenting by using excuses such as the one that spawned the name of these series of threads "But we took you to Stately Homes" as if that makes a good parent. Also, this thread is nearly full which will limit the responses you can receive.

That said, like many of the parents/in laws complained about on this thread, your husband doesn't show any respect for your needs and is happy to make important decisions on your behalf without considering your feelings. You don't actually matter to him. Would you have married him if you thought this is where you would be, only one year in? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? You can't make him change, so you have to decide are you going to accept his unacceptable behaviour or are you going to do something for yourself about it?

I just noticed the error and put it in the wrong spot

I am new so I need to erase prior comment . …. Can you direct me to erasing this - so sorry to hijack this thread

The best thing to do PixieDust is to firstly copy and paste your original post then use the Start a New Thread button (its blue). It will ask you to give your thread a heading.

MN will delete your post on here if you request it using the Report function underneath your post.

Some thoughts for everyone on going (or being) NC with toxic family members, whether it's a parent, sibling, or the whole family.

Yes, it's a big decision and often really painful. Yes, it requires strength and determination. Yes, it's really hard not to get hoovered back in when it all starts kicking off (again) which it will.

BUT - it is definitely worth it.

It takes a long time to heal from a toxic family dynamic and it means rebuilding your life, valuing yourself, and respecting your unbreakable boundaries.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE the toxic people in your family. They will never change and you are wasting your time if you think otherwise.

YOU WILL BE BLAMED for everything. There's nothing you can do about this except learn to ignore it and decide not care anymore.

I wish I could say it's easy, but it isn't. What I can say is that it is worth it. It does get easier with the passage of time, and it's important to learn about emotional detachment so you can cut the strings that hold you to a dysfunctional and disordered family structure.

Sending strength and solidarity to all those who are navigating going No Contact. It's a much bigger club than we realise.