April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

Gosh reading through all of your stories I relate to so much and see my mother in them also. It's crazy and quite scary how similar they are! I'm fairly certain she's a narcissist but I dont think she's cleaver enough to pull it off as seamlessly as others. Or maybe it's confidence. Who knows.

I also had a moment where i think I brought my trauma to work. I'm fairly certain the director is a sociopath and he thrived on chaos. Constant love you up knock you down, constantly changing the goal post, tell you what you contribute is important and in the same breathe undermine you and make you feel worthless. It was torture and I stayed too long. I think it has made things worse for me and reinforced all these beliefs I had worked hard on working through. Definitely feels like a set back. It was a majority triggering time.

My mum is now working on my dad and making him feel guilty for spending time with his kids. Because apparently he does everything for us and nothing for her. She's jealous and majority insecure. I realised not that long ago she always pitted me and my sister against each other. Up until Xmas before last when she gave me a present in secret and nothing for my sister. It's just so disgusting! I'm embarrassed on her behalf.

She tried to insert herself between mine and my sisters relationship as if we cannot have one without her. Sometimes I think she wants to be one of us. Us being close is offensive to her. She liked it better when I hated my sister and my sister was her golden child (most of childhood now it has flipped). She's been literally ignoring my sister whilst sharing a home for the best part of a year and lying to my dad saying my sister was ignoring her and other nonsense. Now my sister has moved out still no acknowledgment but apparently my sister owes my mum an apology!

There's no point talking to her because she will flip out. She can't see herself, no self awareness. It's all our fault and she's forever the victim. So she's not talking to us, and it's just going to keep going on and on. We can't discuss things rationally, I don't want to call and have shallow talk because that feels like I'm condoning her behaviour towards me sister and it's just left in the air.

It feels wrong. Like the absolute wrong way to handle this but I'm not sure what else I can do? Or should do? What do you guys think? Would you just match her energy and leave it as is?

Even if I did speak to her not sure what I'd say.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky you are not wrong at all. And honestly I think some people have kids for the unconditional love, to boost their self esteem and fulfil their unmet needs of love and affection form their childhood. As soon as said child develops their own mind they can't handle it and punish you for not being the babydoll they thought they were getting and an actual human being with their own thoughts, feelings, needs, mind etc!

If i could have a do-over i wouldnt try to make them understand. I wasted two years doing that and it only made her/them more defensive. Their defensiveness made me even more hurt. My emotion revolted them and made them feel justified giving me the silent treatment which again hurt me more.

If i could go back in time i would fade away. No emotion god forbid

Hi I just wanted to say something to all of you, but especially monkey.

I had a toxic mother and as I got older it just kept eating away at me more and more. I couldn’t think of her without anger and resentment.
Then she died (aged 86). I spent a couple of weeks grieving the loss of the relationship we should have had.

Then pfft! Suddenly I felt free of her. I hardly think of her now. It doesn’t mean that my insecurities left me. Ironically I think that once my mother was out of my head, I started seeing that my husband had been doing a similar job on me. (Hello attillathemeerkat - we meet again).

Sorry, I started this post with the intention of offering a small light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. Not sure I’ve done that, because this is something that you are all going through now. So I’ll just say I know what it’s like.

Two things I remember my mother saying to me when I was still in primary school. “If I hadn’t gotten pregnant so quickly after getting married, and had you four children, I think I’d still be married to your father” and

For a while she had a boyfriend called Don and I remember us all going
on days out with him. Then she stopped seeing him. She told me “ he wanted to marry me, but didn’t want to take on all four of you. He wanted to put two of you into a home, but I couldn’t do that” it gave me the message that we children had stopped her being happy, not what an awful thing to ask of a woman with children.

Obviously this was a very long time ago. I just think theses are not things you should say a nine year old daughter. Obviously there were far more, but it ended with me feeling responsible for my mother’s emotional well-being.

I only realised this when I had my own DD when I was 38.

@JoyLurking9to5 yes you are right and I think I'm aware of that. I know if I try to talk then I will get he wrath thrown back at me and I will become the villain. Whereas at the moment as far as I know and can be seen to the rational thinker my sister and I have done nothing wrong. There's not much for her to twist and make herself victim (although she for sure is clutching at straws). And I would like to keep it this way.

One one hand I like the position of being able to respond to someone who asks her and our relationship and being able to say that SHE stopped talking to me and I have no idea why. Instead of whatever story of victimhood she would concoct if we dare to say how we feel. One the other hand I think how dare she try and disown us, after we have stuck around putting her with her neglectful and manipulative shit! It's laughable. Almost like I want the big confrontation and to tell her to fuck off.

What I think she doesn't realise is that we don't care. I wish it were different but it's better that she's taken herself out of the picture in any case. She thinks we are suffering without her presence I am sure. As if she contributes anything positive to our lives! I also know that if she steps too far out of line I'll cut her off completely. No return or take backs. I'll be damned if I give her another opportunity to hurt me.

I used to feel pretty angry at her, I used to hate her. Now I feel pretty numb to it and also can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and her "logic". She's a bit of a joke to me now, Part of me feels sorry for her because she's clearly been through a lot but I also know this is a choice because she can put on her nice person act to others. Just not us. She is choosing to mistreat us and that I cannot excuse or look past.

I think that's the only goal, to become numb to it. I wish I could get to that place. It still enrages me, their denial, their projections, their silent treatments, blaming ME for the damage to the ''relationship''.

May I one day feel detached from it all, numb to their low opinion of me.

I wish I didn't care. I'm getting there. I do care so much less than I used to but not enough to be able to NOT fly off the handle at my brother when he calls over trying to fake normal. he hadn't spoken to me since Christmas. So he thought, I know, it's Easter now, I'll show up act normal pretend there was never any issue ......... argh, but it just infuriated me more. The only two roles available to me are totally ostracised on their say so or say no, or to be allowed to play the part of paranoid daughter again.

I just cant do it. It'll take me another year.

I need to join this thread today, I am absolutely raging inside. My DM gave away all my DC Easter eggs to my DB (golden child) to take to his DC while I was getting my DC to sleep.

My DM has been dreadful emotionally to me for years, but now she's starting on my DC, 40 years of hurt and anger is boiling up inside. I need to type this here as I don't know what I'll do instead (we are temporarily living with my DP).

Last week she actually smiled while telling me I'd had a lucky escape in suffering a miscarriage at 11 weeks, which required 6 hospital appointments including a D&C under general anaesthetic. All because she still doesn't understand why I left my emotionally abusive EXDP, despite my having 2DC with him, and she isn't afraid to say it. I now realise that my EXDP was the male version of her, and I spent 8 years in a relationship with him.

I also have the jealous DM situation. Over the years she has tried (and failed) to make me hate my DDad in the same way she does (they've been married nearly 50 years now). She's told me things about their relationship that no DM should be sharing with her DD. I remember being about 15 and staring wearing makeup, all of a sudden my DM went out and bought the whole makeup counter, when she'd previously never worn lipstick! It feels like she wants to be in some sort of competition with me.

I have so much more to offload, but can't just yet. Thank you for listening.

TW I have been on these threads before on and off under various usernames as I processed through my own family hurt.

In many ways my experiences of growing up weren’t as bad as many examples I’ve read on here and some of it was typical of the time I grew up. My parents were emotionally neglectful and unavailable and deeply seated misogynists but unfortunately also one of my brothers sexually abused me and my sister and the fallout from that has been horrendous especially in more recent years. In my case the abuse was short lived but it stayed with me and has had a significant impact on my well-being but in my sisters case the abuse went on for an extended period well into adulthood.

The low level emotional neglect we would have experienced from our parents growing up has grown into full on cruelty and manipulation when they found our about our brothers abuse as they put no consequences in for the abuse and my father was frankly disgusting in his unwavering denial and support for our brother.

My siblings don’t speak to our brother but our parents have swept it all under the rug and they do. My sister, as far as I know, is still very much at the heart of our dysfunctional family and very much enabled our parents but I’ve completely walked away.

It is only now well over 4 years later that I feel like I have fully processed the experience of being abused by my brother and of my parents neglect and abuse of their daughters and the rest of the family sweeping it all under the rug. I had a brother and my sister that I would have considered myself close to in some ways who have been so difficult to deal with throughout. My sister is so focused on enabling my parents and my brother was utterly manipulative to deal with and tried to normalise our parents abuse of their daughters after a brief window where initially he got how awful their behaviour was when the whole abuse story first came out.

It is only recently that I have been able to drop the rage and anger and feel the intense sadness of that experience. I have finally come to a place where I am at peace with all of the fallout but I also had to recover from the emotional wreckage that was left behind.

I also had a horrible time with some very difficult friendships I’d picked up along the way over the years, mostly based on some pretty doormat standards for friends that I had while I was trying to process this whole situation. And my own children have struggled with the surprise loss of their once close (from their child perspective) extended family. There has been so much fallout for me and for my family.

But I really do feel like I have turned a massive corner. I had a bit of a breakdown in the last year and then I had the opportunity to put all the pieces back together. The anxiety that has been my lifelong companion has passed from my brain and 80% of the time I just feel so peaceful. I still have to work on some ADHD like behaviours I’ve developed and get back into healthy eating and drinking (alcohol) and exercise but the issues I am dealing with now actually excite me a little bit because they just feel like normal life activities and issues instead of facing up to depravity issues that the last 4 years held.

I cannot believe that I am in this place and I know I have a lot of other stuff to get though and move on with but I just feel like now that is a possibility. I have a therapy session at the weekend, I only do sessions every 6 weeks and I am seriously contemplating extending that out further now too which is a real step forward for me.

I am feeling excited for my future even though I am a woman in her mid 40s with no significant ambitions it is just that I just never felt at peace in any way at any other time in my life and this has brought me to a place where I finally feel some of that elusive peace. That is like a dream come true compared to 4 years ago.

Hi everyone can I please gatecrash your thread to ask for advice? I’m scared to post on the main boards because I feel too fragile for some of the judgemental replies I know I will get .

I know that you guys will understand.

I’ve been completely NC with my parents for 20 years. I first went LC because they were emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child teenager and young adult. I needed a lot of counselling and therapy to deal with it and live a happy life.

After I got married and had my own children I foolishly relented and gave them another chance. However I had to stop contact completely as I discovered that they were emotionally abusing / manipulating my oldest child, who wasn't even school age.

I tried to set boundaries in place but they wouldn’t accept them so I felt I had no choice but NC.

After I went NC with my parents, they forbad everyone in the family to contact me. So I’ve not seen or heard anything from the whole family in more than a decade.

My father died about 8 years ago and I didn’t know until months later when I bumped into an old neighbour in the supermarket.

My mother has been in a nursing home for years and I’ve just found out that she died a week ago and her funeral is tomorrow. ( No one has been in contact to tell me, it was a complete coincidence that I found out ).

There’s a church service and then a committal at the cemetery. I’m thinking of going to the cemetery and watching from afar . I don’t really know why I’m even thinking of this - I think it might help me draw a line under the past. Maybe I want to be sure that she’s really dead.

I don’t plan to speak to anyone . I don’t even know who will be there or if anyone would recognise me after all this time . I’ve only one brother who lives in Australia so I doubt he will be there. All the relatives of my parents generation are long gone. I think it might be some distant cousins or great nieces / nephews I’ve never met and who won’t know me at all.

So I think I can do it without anyone speaking to me or causing a scene, that’s the last thing I’d want.

Is this a mad idea ? Will it help me or drag up awful memories from the past?

💐 for you, R0BYN. Trust what feels right for you here. Give yourself time & go steady. It could be cathartic and freeing but may be mixed up with final realisation of what didn’t have & can not now ever have.

Robyn that sounds awful.

My take would be that the bad memories are there anyway so whether you're there or not you'll know it's happening and they are likely to be on your mind. I would trust your instincts. If your instinct was to go then go. It was never your fault that the relationship failed. Even if no-one recognises you, the fact that you go will demonstrate that none of this was your fault.

@MonkeyfromManchester

SO FUCKING ANGRY.

The damage done by the Fucking Hag - toxic mother in law - to my wonderful partner, Mr Monkey, impacts on us every SINGLE fucking day. EVERY single fucking day.

He’s begun counselling - week six - it’s brilliant, but so painful and it’s left him really exposed and raw.

We have a week away booked in Paris on the 25th. He can’t do it as hes struggling so much. I’m 125% with him on why he can’t. The counselling is bringing up so much pain that he can’t leave the house.

I’m going to go alone - I know Paris well and I’ve travelled alone in countries like Mexico in my 20s. I just wish he was well enough to come.

I live with someone who has Complex PTSD, caused by his violent and emotionally abusive and coercive narcissist now 85 year old mother.

He:

Flinches every time I make an unexpected movement - consequence of sustained physical abuse which included visits to casualty for him market as a child. His older brothers also became violent to him. Mr Monkey was the scapegoats.
Has violent nightmares - ditto
Is stuck in a horrific past - he never saw anything different
Is terrified of the future - ditto
Is terrified of the slightest bit of change - ditto
Is stuck in a rut - ditto
Is unable to be spontaneous - ditto
Is frightened by anything new - ditto
Struggles with sex - constantly shamed by Hag and his brothers, no body confidence, he saw a psycho sexual counsellor before meeting me
Can’t articulate what he feels or struggles with it - no positive examples
Is still terrified of her - she was vile then and is 150% vileness now
Is blocked - emotional abuse, frightened of talking about it
Behaved terribly recently on a night during weekend away when I didn’t recognise him at all. He wasn’t violent, but it was all the rage to do with the Hag coming out.
Can’t always go out, frightened of different things - because our home is a place of safety for him

I take the role of planner, decision maker as his ideas were completely invalidated when he was growing up.

I’m gutted he can’t come to Paris but I understand why and where he’s at. I’m so upset but he would just sit in a hotel room feeling awful.

I am so Fucking angry at the damage Hag and his horrible brothers have done to him. So wanted to phone her and scream at her, but realised I’d blocked the bitch earlier in the year after her appalling behaviour at Christmas. The fact i’d forgotten that I’d blocked her made me laugh a lot.

The counselling will really help him and he is totally committed to it. He has tremendous emotional intelligence and he will get better.

We’ve talked about all of this over the weekend.

Just so incredibly, INCREDIBLY tired. Self care and going back yo counselling for me. Reading lots on living with someone with complex PTSD.

I’m NC with her now. She lives 10 minutes walk away after she manipulated him to buy a house close by (before me). He has now made their relationship LC. Gone are the daily phone calls, he’s put up barriers to protect himself but it’s 52 years of damage. I just wish the c**t dead.

Why on earth are either of you seeing her at all? Just cut her out of your lives altogether, wirh the brothers. This is so upsetting to read. 💐

I recognise a lot of that too Starseeking.

My Dad started an affair when I was a baby. We're not a family that talks much but the snippets I've managed to piece together have given me a working theory that my mum blamed me for their marriage falling apart. My Dad cheated for two decades and they did stay together but my Mum has always been in competition with me and expected me to emotionally support her because I think unconsciously she feels I'm responsible. If I hadn't come along, he wouldn't have checked out.

My parents have stayed together but when the whole thing came to light when I was 21, she used to call me endlessly to offload about how awful everything was, but especially how awful he was and then say spitefully, "and you're just like him".

When I could finally take it no more and stopped answering the phone to her, Dad rang me to tell me how nasty I was being and how neither of them could understand me.

I'm amazed I'm still in contact with either of them tbh.

Thank you @ohflipflop. I know that at least intellectually I’ve come to terms long ago with what kind of person she is / was.

Through the counselling / therapy I came to understand that the problem was her and not me IYSWIM. That nothing I could say or do would change how awful she was to me - because that’s who she was as a person.

So I had about 10 years of LC and that didn’t change her one bit. I know it’s not supposed to , it’s for my protection. But deep down there’s always a tiny but of hope . But that’s long gone after so many years.

And then the two decades of NC have been very peaceful and freeing . Of course there was terrible guilt at first and a lot of sadness, but that fades over time . The whole family have been out of my life for so long now, mostly everyone I know doesn’t even know they exist. And no flying monkeys, I’ve been very lucky.

So it’s not as if I have colleagues /neighbours / friends who ask about my parents, which is always the tough bit having to explain. I’m now at the stage in life where people just ask, if it comes up in the conversation

“Do you still have your mum and dad ? “

And if you shake your head they drop the subject immediately.

And I was very VERY clear in my own mind that I had to protect my own children. That gives a real clarity of thought and purpose. I would do anything to keep my children safe.

I saw from afar the huge amount of damage she did to my brothers children, now both adults of course. My mother had a Very big influence in their lives and it really messed them up. Neither of them are very functional IWSWIM. It’s very sad.

So I’m 100% sure I made the right decision to have nothing to do with her.

So I’m way WAY past that stage of thinking “ Maybe she will see the error of her ways and apologise and become the mother that I deserve. Or even the mother that she is to the golden child “.

When I found out that she was in a nursing home i dreaded getting some kind of summons to come and see her on her death bed, because I know I would feel conflicted in case there was a tiny 0.00001 % chance that she was going to apologise etc. But I know that would never happen and she would only want to create another scene .

And of course it’s such a taboo in our culture to refuse to go and see someone who is dying and has asked for you.

So I’m very relieved that there was nothing like that and she’s gone now. It’s very sad that one of your children thinks that but she brought that on herself by how she treated people.

Even my brother ( the golden child ) wrote on her Facebook memorial page “ She was something else “. Hardly a great endorsement.

There’s less than 10 other comments, all of which are simply expressing their condolences to the family members who set up the page ( great nieces and nephews ) .

My brother moved to Australia after our father died and left him a lot of money, so I assume he’s now the ex golden child. So I very much doubt he will be there today.

Thank you for letting me talk about it in a safe space.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming

Robyn that sounds awful.

My take would be that the bad memories are there anyway so whether you're there or not you'll know it's happening and they are likely to be on your mind. I would trust your instincts. If your instinct was to go then go. It was never your fault that the relationship failed. Even if no-one recognises you, the fact that you go will demonstrate that none of this was your fault.

Thank you @JulesRimetStillGleaming.

I found out about her death in a very random way, which makes me think that I’m meant to go and watch her being buried. To know that she’s gone from my life forever.

When my father died I found out about 6 months later . I was in the supermarket with my kids and met a former neighbour who stopped me and said “ Sorry to hear about your father “. I must have looked so shocked, because she said “ Oh dear, I thought you were Robyn Smith! Are you not John Jones’s daughter ? “ .

So I had to try to compose some reasonable reply and then get out of there as she was asking more ( polite and well intended ) questions.

After that I was prepared with a story if the same thing happened with my mother. But someone I only vaguely know saw it on social media and asked me if it was relative ( very unusual foreign surname , not actually Jones of course ).

So the tiny chance of this happening makes me think it’s for a reason. That I have this chance to go.

I am so sorry for your loss Robyn, you deserved better from your parents and I’m sorry yours were not able to be parents to you in a functional way.

How would you feel if your brother was there Robyn? Would that affect your decision at all? The reason I ask is because as golden child it is very possible that he will attend.

You have to do what you believe will work for you. Human relationships are complex so I imagine underneath the feelings of disappointment and betrayal are those feelings of longing for the parent you needed and of the love you felt for her and that part of you might get comfort from the funeral. The only thing is that I can guarantee that some other people who do attend won’t understand any of that. How would it make you feel if someone voiced their ignorance of your situation. Would you be ok to deal with that in that moment.

I think about that stage from time to time and certainly the way things are at the moment I wouldn’t attend my parents funeral but maybe things will change in the future.

These are all good questions @oliviastwisted

What if my brother is there’? I’m planning to stand some distance away and not around the graveside. I’m not even sure if he would recognise me - I’m 20 years older and two stone heavier, I’ll wear a hat and sunglasses ( its sunny but cold here so that won’t look too weird I hope).

I don’t think he would approach me and even if he does, he won’t start to scream or shout, that’s not his style. He wants to look good in front of others so the worse he could do would come up and say nasty things. And I will just walk away. That’s what I’m not going to the church as you can get trapped in pews and it’s hard to leave.

Also the church service is where they give the eulogy and I can’t bear to hear the vicar say what a lovely person she was. At the graveside it will just be a reading and a prayer . Perhaps a hymn. But nothing personal about her.

I will absolutely not get into any verbal altercation with anyone, I’m going for me . I won’t try to justify anything to anyone. I’m sure they hate me based on what my mother said to them. But any hatred is hurting them and not me. They are all strangers to me now and I don’t care what they think of me. And more than likely they never do.

I’m not expecting any reconciliation / apology / recognition. I just want to see that coffin go into the ground.

Thank you for asking such good questions and helping me think this through.

Im sorry to hijack your thead - I feel under so much pressure to decide what do as I need to leave in about an hour to get there

You definitely should go Robyn. You know your reasons and you’ve thought them through. You aren’t hijacking’s anything that is what this thread is for. Mind yourself today. It is a very tough day for you. Thinking of you.

Thank you. I’m just leaving home now. I will carry your kind thoughts and good wishes with me.

@Starseeking I'm so sorry for your loss, what a cruel thing for her to say. I think sometimes the only thing we can do it remember how damaged they are, sad and lonely and insecure which is what makes them lash it. In my mind it turns her from a monster to a mouse and I can feel pity for her that she has to interact, love and think this way. You are so strong for leaving your ex partner as well under the circumstances. Remember that at times you don't feel so strong!

@R0BYN I echo what most others have said. Go if that is what your instinct is saying. If you also think you might question the decision NOT to go then go, you can always leave if it doesn't feel right. From what you've said it sounds like you have thought it out quite well and I hope it gives you the closure you need.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I went and it was extremely uneventful as I had hoped. I joined the group just after the service has started and stood at the back behind the cars, so hardly anyone could see me.

My brother was in fact there with wife #3 and one of his adult children children. All three were visibly upset and I felt sorry for them. I only recognised two other people there ( cousins ).

The vicar waffled on a bit too long, , said a prayer and then it was all over. I left immediately, went straight back to my car ( I’d parked for a quick getaway ) and drove home.

I found it extremely helpful because I felt nothing at all. No sadness guilt anger or hate. The only thing I regret is that I spent literally half my life being controlled by my mother and to a lesser extent the rest of the family.

I wasted so much time and energy trying to find some sort of compromise in my life between what they wanted me to do and what I wanted. It never worked and they were always so critical of me, however hard I tried to please them. I always felt a failure.

But now they have no power over me anymore. Not because she’s dead, but because I don’t love any them and they have no part in my life.

I don’t even hate them anymore for all the hurt and pain they caused me. Its not because I’m this super spiritual forgiving person - I struggled with anger and hatred for many years. In my worst moments I fantasised about how I would get revenge .

I completely identify with the anger that @MonkeyfromManchester talks about upthread. And you can’t even tell anyone in RL because they will think you are a psycho talking like that about a sweet little elderly lady .

But now I just don’t care any more. They are nothing to me. I understood this very clearly today.

It was like watching the funeral on TV of some random person with mourners that you don’t know . You think “ what a shame, these poor people look upset “” but that’s it. It’s not personal. You don’t care.

I felt sad to see the state of my oldest nephew, the one who was really fucked up badly by my mother. He outwardly had every advantage in life - money, private education, expensive holidays, car and house bought for him and left a lot of money by my father. For a long time I was jealous of all these things that he got and I couldn’t afford for my own children .

But he’s in very poor health, physically and mentally and hasn’t held down a job for years. He’s in his late 30s and has never been in a a relationship ( I’m not saying that’s what everyone should do BTW but that’s what he wants and it’s not happened for him , while all his friends are having partners and babies ).

He hasn’t seen his own mother since he was tiny ( thanks to his GM ) and his father and half siblings live on the other side of the world.

It’s all very sad. He was the most gorgeous and precious little boy and I loved him so much. And now he’s just struggling and unhappy 😥. That’s the legacy that his family have left him.

It makes me so glad that I’ve protected my own children from her poisonous influence. I can’t tell you how proud I am of this. I may not have achieved much in my life but I’ve done this.

Thank you for letting me witter on and I hope some of this helps someone here. I know it’s a big guilt trip that others can lay on us

“ Imagine how you will feel if he / she dies and you have never reconciled / apologised / let her meet your kids “.

I have no regrets at all about walking away from their toxicity and I only wish I’d done it sooner. I would have been much happier in my own life and have been less damaged.

But that’s just me and we all have to find our own path.

Robyn that is such a powerful read. I am so glad you went and I am so glad you took that away from the day.

I think what you describe are stages of healing from this type of betrayal. The intense rages are from PTSD it is a common symptom but that feeling of relief and of feeling nothing for them are exactly how I feel about my brother who abused me. Literally nothing.

I hope you get your peace die to you for the rest of your life and I wish you all of life’s good things going forward.

That is really what I wish for everyone dealing with this type of trauma as it tries to steal everything that is good from you until you surrender yourself to it and then start taking it back.

Just catching up on the thread, what a couple of days @robyn
I think uneventful is the best you could have hoped for there. I'm glad it passed off without any really strong feelings of upset erupting. I never know when I'm going to be hit by that.

You did the right thing for certain, my mother invites my teens over on days that should be 'my' days. Or maybe I'm the narcissist thinking that I own a day. But she does it on Easter Sunday, on St Patrick's day, on my DD's birthday, she'll invite them over and do it bigger and better and give more money. SO. You definitely did the right thing cutting contact before it got to the point where they're already drawn in.

@PeaceLurking9to5 that is something I am not looking forward to in the future, my kids being used. They will want to go to family events especially with their cousins, like weddings etc. And with my whole family sweeping the abuse that I experienced and by extension my kids experienced, my kids will end up caught up in the bubble. It makes me feel sad thinking about it but I know when the time comes I will be telling them that we will not be discussing that aspect of their life. I will be putting in very strict boundaries with them around their dealings with my family.

We don’t even have it good on DHs side as FIL is an abusive fucker. He was violent towards MIL when DH was a kid and now he is just controlling and disgusting but recently he did another violent act against SIL and DH. MIL sweeps it all under the rug and now one SIL has been pulled back in and DH struggles to hold a line with him. He dropped over to ours with Easter eggs on Sunday (DH didn’t let him in) and SIL was dropping MIL off home a few weeks back and our kids were with her in the car (older kids now) and he was out giving them a lot of cash each. Trying to use hyper generosity to paper over his abusive behaviour.

I know my mother will do the same if my kids go back to her. But ultimately they are their own people and I’m just going to have to let whatever happens happen. But it is all just another tendril is the abusive family octopus. My kids have really suffered as a result of these people’s failings and that has been the saddest part for us.

Hi everyone, I havent been on this board in a while probably over a year now.
Most posts have been about my parents but what brought me here today is the breakdown of the relationship between me and my Dsis.

Shes a few years younger and growing up I know she's had the scapegoat role and me the golden child role from our parents. She is repeating history and is in the same dynamic relationship as my parents with her being abusive to her DP, shes hit him, she has a bad temper like my DM used to. I feel sorry for my nephew.
We have generally always got on, i've felt protective of her growing up as she did used to get it in the neck from our mum. However I did always feel like I tried with her. Used to include her with my friends as she didnt have many. Gave her advice, listened to all her woes. When my DS was born it seems she was jealous of the attention he got from our DM. At any opportunity she would try leave me out of family get togethers and arrange things with my parents and leave me out.
When her DC arrived she heavily relies on our DM for help. She sees our DM most days and if she isnt seeing her she video calls most times. Its become clear our morals are not aligned since both having children. She often sees my DM when her DC is ill and therefore makes our DM very poorly. She uses her children against our DM to get her own way.
Recently I havent met up with her when planned, the first time was when my DSD felt like she wanted to harm herself at school so I canceled to be with my partner and DSD. Second time was because my nephew was in hospital the night before with a chest infection. She expected me to see her the next day but i said no, because my DS has health issues and would get poorly. She took offence to this and since has stopped me seeing my nephew on his birthday, say no to me trying to see her once they were better. She's blocked me on social media.
It's getting to me because i miss my nephew and i miss my old kinder sister.
My DM cant even tell my Dsis when shes been round to see me for fear of Dsis getting jealous and cutting her off.
Everyone creeps around her because as soon as my Dsis doesnt like something she flies off the handle and is mean.

Sorry this is rambling, I just needed to get it off my chest.