April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

But that's not the point.
The distance would protect me.

I'm dipping my toe in here. I'm in a tricky position; I'm unlikely ever to drop contact with my Mum or other family, but it's reduced over the years even though at times we've got on well and I've felt listened to. As she gets older, her capacity to parent me is greatly diminished and the things I'd like to ask her about seem trivial ... I don't want to upset her. But then I remember things she's said. It was all verbal. Never physical. It was verbal and a lack of interest or emotional connection.

I'll write more when I can articulate better. She's been very unhappy and anxious most of the her life. But never knowingly malicious to me. Just about close family and friends and trying to get me to have the same opinions as her about other people. That they were below us, or hopeless cases. Especially women - always called 'tarts' or 'the local bike' or 'easy' which is often I think, her own cultural shame.

Anyway. Just putting this down in an anonymous forum. It's helpful.

My DH and l act as a double act when with my Mother . She drops my sister and her husband into the conversation all the time . I am NC with my siblings and their partners and have been for 3 years . Anyway , my DH listens to our convos while he cooks their meals, mum and her partner, l do all their care In the adjoining rooms so he hears most of it. If my Mum starts , he comes into the room to rescue me, he changes the subject all the time if l start to try to explain anything to her about how l feel.
She takes everything l say as wrong and puts her head down and won't speak or is nasty to me . I feel so betrayed by her . So my DH gets involved and rescues me before she can have any satisfaction from having a row with me . Narcs love attention, any attention even bad .
Lovetowearadress l am the same re dropping contact with my Mother. l know l should go NC with my Mother. I just can't l have been groomed my whole life to look after her and I could beat myself with the anger l feel towards me for being so bloody weak.
Anyway what l am trying to say Do not get involved with anything your sister may say . See that you are not left alone with her at all and lastly Good Luck 🤗💐

@Sicario @Sconeface @DFOD

Thank you so much all.

There now. All been fine but been largely ignored so far, which is fine, lots of people to speak to and mill about with. Sister and mum have taken themselves off for a long walk twice and have kept disappearing off together. The fact myself and OH get along with her friends has seemed to work her up a bit, I went to join the other bridesmaids in their villa and as soon as I did my sister immediately got out the hot tub, said she was tired and going to bed and I said ‘oh already’ and she replied ‘yeah, believe it or not it is my ACTUAL wedding, tomorrow’. I can’t even begin to describe in words the look she gave me, but it was a horrible look designed to make me feel guilty. Then of course all the bridesmaids were asking if she was okay and one of them went inside to comfort her. Other than that they’ve all been normal and lovely.

going to bed in an hour and waking up at 6 for hair and makeup, probably earlier. I honestly just wanna curl up in a ball and go home but that’s not an option. I don’t know why she is behaving the way she is on her own special occasion, it’s really sad and I feel so guilty and responsible but know logically I am not. Doesn’t make it easier though

Appreciate all your comments, I really do, even if I seem repetitive with what I say.
I am keeping a poker face and smiling and not rising to things but it’s so damn hard and taking such a toll! I know you’ll all get it, it’s hard when you’re framed as the bad one

@chatterbug22 Hopefully there will be so much going on tomorrow that she will be kept busy and out of your way, and there will be enough attention on her! Good luck and as pp said, it will all be over soon enough.

And still not too late to "get covid" - will we courier a fake test to you😀

@chatterbug22 you have done brilliantly.

One day down.

You have the measure if hervand you are in control.

Pat yourself in the back.

You’ve cracked it and can get through tomorrow unscathed. She senses the shift of confidence in you and it’s thrown her.

Maybe this thread could remind new posters not to bother. I see it's a cliquey forum, instead of an open house to new experiences.

How do you engineer a ‘fake test’ out of interest?

@KatharineofAragon Red felt tip!

@Missisipihallelujah think that's a bit harsh.

Definitely not a fair comment .I drop in here very infrequently,. More lately admittedly but l lurk all the time and comment if l feel l can add something to the mix or l am distressed . Everyone is lovely here. Give it a go for yourself @Missisipihallelujahcan we help you ? Often it just helps to vent 🤗

@chatterbug22 keep doing what you are doing 💐
Ignore, ignore , ignore, plaster a smile on your face and talk to the friendly people. Good luck for today 🤗

😂😂😂

Missisipihallelujah

I looked at the time you posted that message; that is when most people are asleep in the UK/Europe.

This thread too is but the latest of a line of Stately Homes threads of many years and all are equally welcomed into it; anyone can post as much or as little as they want or feel able to do.

I saw and replied to your first message but have not had time to think in any great depth about your second post on here relating to your mother.

I am very sorry to read that your dad died; I think you are not wrong to say here that the wrong parent died. It may also be the case that your mother sees a lot of her late H in you, a man whom she perhaps hated herself. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and she remains spiteful to you with it too. She deliberately got rid of the dog because she saw it as yours in the main and not hers.

Is middle sister still her favourite; as with narcissistic family structures these roles are interchangeable between siblings. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours here is one of scapegoat. The other siblings go back and forth in their particular roles re mother and at the same time try to avoid her wrath.

Are you receiving therapy currently; it is certainly recommended for those who were raised in such families. What happened to you was not your fault in any way; this is all on your mother. And she will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions. I would also seek medical advice re ceasing to take anti depressants because they are not addressing the real issue here i.e your mother.

You cannot change them but you can change how you react to them. Ultimately you will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had here rather than the one you actually got. This and letting go of any and all residual hope such people change.

chatterbug

Your sister's wedding will be over soon enough. Am certain that sadly she will attempt to get some more digs in today.

@Missisipihallelujah I am very sorry about your dog. I think a lot of adults thinks that animals are ornaments until they actually own one and see the difficulties involved. We had a Dalmatian which was a very bouncy handful and my parents took it back to the breeder. My cat was 'lent' to my auntie, where it got run over. I have also had difficult animals and sometimes (rarely) the issues are insurmountable but I am very sorry to hear that happened to you.

I also think with threads of these sorts it can take a while to get into the swing of things. People are on here voluntarily and don't owe us anything. It's just one of those things.

Thank you for your response. I regard a good day as one when I don't ruminate on all the missed opportunities my DM has had to make things right.

But I genuinely don't believe she is malicious towards me. She just thinks I'm a part of her and can't see me as an individual. It's tiring.

Thanks for your replies. My middle sister is still the favourite. Being the youngest, I have always been the punch bag. Attila, you are right about their not wanting my mother's wrath. She even slapped me across the face once because I dared speak my mind about her favourtism. After my Dad died, I met her at the grave the first christmas for her first words to say were "you don't half look rough". She did end up apologising. Now I have moved 2 hours drive away she is all over me when I phone. The one sister (not the favourite) I went NC with 3 years ago. Says it all she has never bothered to try and hold the olive branch out. I did loads to help her with her two boys when they were younger. My othervsisters guilt trip me about my mum.

That's precisely what I ruminate over. The many chances my mother has had to communicate with me and instead at every point she's made it worse.

@Missisipihallelujah another parallel, there I was, begging to be seen and heard while my 'wrapper' is under a microscope. That is seen. Have been told I looked like ''death warmed up'' and once when she called early to the house and I had on an old dressing gown, I allegedly looked like a dog's dinner. The real me inside is irrelevant to her. It's just how am I ageing. Well? Badly? Not trying hard enough? Bringing my ageing down on myself with poor choices wrt wine/chocolate!?

Missisipihallelujah

My counsel FWIW is to further withdraw from your mother and sisters. The sisters who guilt trip you about mum are her flying monkeys; i.e easily manipulated people (often but not always relatives) sent in by the narcissist to do their bidding for them. Such people do not have your best interests at heart and so should be ignored.

Again its not your fault your family of origin is dysfunctional; you did not cause that to happen.

Lovetowearadress

As with TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans you are very much an adult child of a narcissist who has been conditioned and or otherwise trained to put mother's needs first with your own dead last.

re your comment
I genuinely don't believe she is malicious towards me. She just thinks I'm a part of her and can't see me as an individual.
And this is how narcissists think; you to her are an extension of her.

As an adult, you may struggle to even know what you want. You may have been criticized for having your own opinion or needs, so you learned to disregard your needs automatically. When you need to make a choice, you may require excess approval from others before proceeding.