April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

@IAAP Lovely to see you back, but under difficult circumstances. I’m so sorry that you’re still struggling, but you’ve had a hellish time with your parents. Keep hold of the good things: your kids and your career. You have done so well and everyone has a wobble.

@chatterbug22 that’s a game of cat and mouse by your sister. I’d really consider how or if to go to the wedding. The games aren’t going to stop.

@chatterbug22 splitting you and your partner would be her dream. Present a rock solid front.

@IAAP my god, that’s so tough, but so are you. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but the place of closure is near. You will grieve the relationship you never had. This is exactly what my partner Mr Monkey is experiencing.

On the Hag front, all quiet after the outburst the other week where she was screaming at MM re her washing machine. She didn’t ring MM for a week which I think was supposed to bring him to heel. He just got on with life. Happily.

I was clear and felt no guilt this morning when I told my therapist how much I hated the Hag. MM is nearly at the end of his therapy. He no longer flinches, far fewer nightmares, he stands up to her, he has boundaries and is more confident. If anyone is considering therapy, go for it.

love to all

@MonkeyfromManchester she denies everything so much. Do you think she knows what she is doing by the sounds of things?

@chatterbug22 of course, she does!

@MonkeyfromManchester thank you. Do you think all people like this know then? Wonder what causes it. Oh did you see my most recent message on p.15? Not sure what to do, what would you suggest? X

Thanks Mrs Monkey

I feel a strange calm and power. I shed a few tears but not many. The cold hearted way she say ‘yes it’s for the best’ regarding seeing her grandchildren and daughter as though I was the one who had caused drama means actually when offered a calm adult relationship they said no as they are too selfish and self absorbed to invest in it

it was freeing there was no emotion there for her - none they don’t miss me or the children or want updates or want to know what we have done

we don’t exist anymore

strangely that feels good - really good

I don’t want to be me any more I want to grow like a child into a new adult.

@IAAP it really does sound like you’ve done the best thing for you, don’t ever question it

“I can imagine it would be spun around as me that had ruined her day.”

@chatterbug22 - this is what she is aiming for.

Smile and wave.

Feel powerful that you know her game and that you won’t get drawn in and indulge her. Try to get through each section/few hours without reaching so she can tar you with anything.

Hi everyone. Hope ive got the correct idea of this thread. At 51, i still suffer from low self esteem/need for validation from being the youngest of 5 daughters and feeling all my mum's energy had run out when it came to me. When i visit her , it always pains me to see my graduation photo in her spare room, where all her grand kids photos are proudly on display in her lounge. Christmas before last, mine was the only christmas card not to appear on her mantlepiece, with all my other sisters. She said she had run out of room. She swears its not done deliberately but they really dont know the shit they leave you with to deal and battle with as adults. Thanks for reading x

I would not be inclined to believe her excuse that she ran out of room; the other cards could have been bunched up some more to make room for yours.

How often do you contact your mother?. Do you still seek her approval even now?.

How do your siblings get on with your mother generally speaking?.

Where is your dad here in all this; I ask only as you do not mention him at all.

@Missisipihallelujah that doesn’t sound fair at all! It’s hurtful no matter what age you are!

@AttilaTheMeerkat can I possibly message you privately?

You did a brave thing that will likely give you closure - in time.

You handled it well.

I expect that the hurt child within you was hoping for an embrace and answer acknowledgment of the distress and hoping for a better future.

It’s not foolish to want that - and need that from a parent. You have needed and wanted that all your life.

But you now know categorically - it’s not there. They are unable and unwilling to give or connect.

You need to grieve for and comfort that hurt child within that needed and deserved caring and loving parents and then allow the space and emotional preoccupation that this encounter has confirmed and freed up to be redirected to yourself and your own children.

Its hard to grieve the love you never had and always hope for - but moving on from that and through it eventually releases capacity to put your finite time and emotional energy into productive, reciprocal and warm relationships rather than continuing to pour into futile, rejecting and punishing ones.

My parents did this type of thing. Attended my siblings graduation and not mine but then turned it around and said ‘you don’t mind though do you?’ If I said yes they minimised my feelings and told me I wasn’t adult or best I was being too emotional

The way I phrased my question actually didn’t allow her much room for manoeuvre eg you have chosen not to see myself or the children and have a positive relationship - that’s the reality isn’t it? She said yes. She then said ‘it’s for the best because of the last time we saw you’ / I haven’t got a clue what this referred to as the last time I saw them to speak to them was arriving at a neutral venue to pick up my stuff with friends and my parents were all trying to be as nice as pie in front of them and said ‘IAAP sadly we haven’t got all of your things. But you can come over tomorrow on your own to get them’ I didn’t agree and my friends said ‘she will let you know if she wants’ the next time was when they put the rest of it (after 4 weeks and going through my horrid brother) on the drive / I picked it up with a friend, they filmed me doing it and I didn’t say a word.
in all my time living there I never once shouted or pushed back when my father called me names or threatened me etc not once. He had the temper not me. He rewrote history.

So DM has expressed to me that she is hurt every day because her sister does not show an interest in her. I think this may be why she is so angry at me over the situation with my sister, unconsciously she sees my sister as herself. Not saying it’s an excuse. The situations are entirely different. DM has been lovely and always put effort in with her sister and gone the extra mile to do things but she is snubbed time and time again. Whereas, in my situation, my sister is actively being hostile and that is why I have taken a step back. Think a lot of it is various emotional immaturity. I am not saying I am emotionally mature for one single second but I think there’s a wider issue that could answer for behaviours. Can anyone else attribute things to patterns in generations?

Anyway. I’m really nervous for the weekend, I want her to have the best time but I have a bad feeling about it and with good reason. Is it okay to leave after the ceremony itself if things are really intolerable?

IAAP

All credit to you for going to your parents house; that was a brave thing to do and you conducted yourself with dignity (unlike them). I can still recall how they behaved on their driveway.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

Hope you and your children have a great holiday too, it sounds lovely.

@IAAP I think that's the best gift she could give you- you are free, free to start again in your own way.

Hi Attila. My Dad passed in 2009, after a house fire. I often think I lost the wrong parent..sounds horrible to say. Dad died due to pre existing lung problems. My mum has a favourite daughter, who is the middle sister. She was the only one to have had an 18th birthday disco. When I wanted one on my 18th, it was "will do it for your 21st", which never happened. The biggest factor though, was coming home from school to find our greyhound had been sent back to the dogs home due to behavioural problems, ie chewing. Coming home that day, seeing his hairs everywhere and knowing i would never see him again had a huge effect. It wasn't until 2003, when i had to have my dog put to sleep, that I started suffering from panic attacks and general anxiety. A psychologist told me it was triggered by that past experience when I was a child. I've been on anti depressants since 2003 to cope. My mother has never told us she loves us (my Dad did) yet the other sisters are not bothered by it and think I am being unreasonable about my attitude towards my mum. I therefore don't any longer confide in them. My family is very negative.

IAAP that was really brave of you to see them . The outcome of it is you now have closure . I would give my left arm for that STS as l'm sure many of us would . Go and have a brilliant holiday, bless you 💐

@IAAP I agree ^ takes courage to do it, hope you get some much needed rest time

I know I’ve posted to excess about it over the last few days but I feel so nervous - it’s like the day before a big interview or exam. I find it really hard to look unbothered and to not let things throw me too, I will be in constant flight mode. OH’s family are really supportive and one of them has kindly offered to ring me for some support before we go tomorrow. OH thinks all will be fine and it won’t be as I am imagining but I already feel queasy. I don’t drink that much so I am taking non-alcoholic only but I just know there will be comments / looks up and down about it. I honestly think it’s like the feeling you get when you’re a kid at school and people aren’t being nice to you. Except that’s a bit easier to deal with perhaps because it’s not as multi-layered and sly. I need some good retorts to comments up my sleeve, but can’t think of anything generic because it’s impossible to gauge exactly how it’ll be. I must sound like I’m being petty with this but I just don’t want to be caught off guard.

Don’t get focused on retorts - that’s exactly what she wants an emotional reaction. Just learn to calm yourself with long deep breaths and feet calmly on the ground. Look straight thru her - maybe an innocent smiling confused head tilt.

Less words the better - let all the noise be coming out of her mouth. If exasperated you could send it back ask very calmly “What do you mean by that?”

But I wouldn’t indulge her. Play sister bingo with your OH instead - and lose yourself being busy with the nice relatives and friends who will be there. Literally turn your back and avoid eye contact with her as much as you can.

Don’t let her trigger you - because that’s controlling you. Be calm, strong dignified. Like Michele O - when they go low you go high. It will all be over in 48hrs.

@chatterbug22 - "grey rock technique" is your friend in this situation. Just smile, and say "oh that's nice" or "lovely" now and again in response to pretty much anything. Most questions can be answered with "fine, thanks". Do not ask any questions or return conversation.

You can practice with OH for fun and make a game of it.

@chatterbug22 I've said before that you really do not have to go to this if you don't want to.
However, it's not always as simple as that.
Do you have any responsibilities if you go, are you doing a reading or anything? Also, will there be kids/babies there that you could go and offer to help out with (that would also be a distraction for you)?
Is there definitely no escape route once you get there, are you driving?

My family grey rocked me all along.
Wr talked about the weather, the roast, the garden. If I tried to communicate anything real I was shshshd. I was told who I was. Angry sensitive, paranoid.
I dont know exactly what my conclusion is but I just suspect they love grey rock.
It wouldn't punish them.