April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

So sorry Tree. You get told you've put on weight but when you lose it, no praise. I remember her going on about cutting my hair shorter. She would say it every year, then one time I fancied a change and had it cut, she didn't say a word. When I lost my husband, I was sobbing in her house. I was told to be quiet as the neighbours would hear. I think it was Attila who said maybe I remind her of my Dad. I am his double to look at. She has lent me money when ive been desperate tho.

Wow, "be quiet the neighbours will hear"?
It's so hard to understand why they believe what the neighbours THINK matters more than what their daughter FEELS, but my mum is exactly the same.

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Money can be used by such people to further control their chosen target. Also money given by people like your mother is loaded with obligation on top.

So true

I've thought about the narcissist label for my DM and my ex is a narcissist. But DM does care about me. She just can't act on it. No one modelled parental love to her so she just can't do it. She was made responsible for 4 of her siblings when my grandma had a disabled child; my mother's emotional development is effectively frozen at age 10/11, when she had to shelve any ambitions or needs to care for them. She brought me up in an identical way to the way she brought them up, but has no ability to express her emotions or make deeper ties with me, it's very much 'I've fed and clothed you and made sure you had the best of everything what else did you want'? Type of attitude.

It's all very sad too, genuinely sad for all of us because I lost my sibling and then I knew I had to rise to the task of making DM feel good about herself and her life because she was devastated by that death. So I took on the role of emotional support and bragging rights for her, but now I'm just tired of it all. I wanted her to see me for the woman that I am, not the one she boasts about ... using me to put down other people ...

Ditto. Got sent a cheque for £2,500 and a letter saying that this "cleared DM of any guilt". Erm, nope. And, no I didn't cash it, ot was used to light the fire.

@LoveToWearADress My mother is exactly the same...only there was no massive trauma in her childhood - she just didn't like being one of 9 children.

She has no ability to express her emotions or make deeper ties with me, it's very much 'I've fed and clothed you and made sure you had the best of everything what else did you want'? Type of attitude.

That exact same attitude too, only she completely fucked mine (and my two brothers) education and health due to neglect - my younger brother had a heart attack at 30 - from when I was 9. Never had a single apology for the hell her and my father put us all through. Actually takes the piss if any of us dare to criticize it in any way: 'he acts like we had you all down the mines at 6' was said to me when my SIL told her my older brother has said he has no happy memories of our childhood.

I had to give up full time work years ago as I'm physically and mentally disabled. I do still work, when I can, in a freelance capacity. That's not good enough for my mother and she is so ashamed/disappointed in me that she lies to everyone that I'm still working in my old high flying job, if they ask about me. That's been going on for nearly 7 years now. That made me feel really good when she admitted it to me...

Hi all,

Do you kind if I join this thread? I’m really struggling with my parent at the moment. We’ve always had a difficult relationship, my counsellor thinks my parent is a narcissist, that did and does emotionally abuse me.

I just got back from visiting them, I was supposed to stay for a week, but only managed a couple of days, because of the way they acted towards me. I’m feeling guilty about leaving as they are elderly and seem to depend on me (despite us living hours and hours apart).

The thing is, I couldn’t bring myself to stay, they were calling me every name under the sun one minute and then being as nice as anything the next.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, I’m just confused and hurt I guess.

Good morning, I have posted previously on this thread and valued the replies. I was hoping I could get a little advice please?

I've been nc with my my now for about 10/9 months and have cut back contact with my gran but can't go nc with her, I do speak to her once or twice a week (it used to he every day). She does act as a flying monkey sometimes (once called me znd said she didnt want me in her life if i wasn't talking to my mum) but also supports sometimes, she does get manipulated by dm too and is reliant on her.

My gran is very frail now. I haven't visited since the end of May but tried last week and she told me not to when we were neatly there by phone. I said I'd visit today instead. I got a text yesterday from my mum saying she was now stating at my grans and not to phone but call when I want to. I replied asking why not call and was told to not phone when I'd not visited in ages (my dB who lives closer has prob seen my gran once or possibly twice this year). I called my gran and asked if she didn't want me to phone her and she said ofcourse she wanted me to call her and didn't know I'd been told not to (my mum was in the background).

I'd like to visit my gran for my own peace of mind but if dm is there I can't see it going well. We also usually take my youngest ds who has severe autism (very loving and cuddly) but we struggle for people to look after him and he can't be left alone, I can't imagine facing today if I go without dh. I don't really want him near dm.

I could cancel and go next week but that Will get twisted and make dm worse. I thought about replying to dms text saying let me know when you go shopping or go out and ill come then but that will also set her off and I can imagine it will be at times they know my dh won't be able to come with me.

We could go and see how it plays out but I don't think that will end well. I've been up most of the night worrying and playing it through in my head.

@chatterbug22 how did the wedding go?

@Goosegoosedick
You absolutely did the right thing to leave. There is no.justification possible for that behaviour and the switch in mood is designed to keep you confused. It is all.part of the game .
You are stuck in the guilt of feeling you must support them but it is really not true. you can choose to walk away and leave them to it and many on here have gone no contact .
I applaud your courage in removing yourself from the situation. x

@Justrealised I'd ignore all of that. You've already said that you would prefer less contact with your Grandma so if you have to wait until the week after next, so be it. Your mum is still acting like you'll do what you're told. Do phone. Do not Call round. There are your orders. You're left baffled and feeling controlled.

I'd leave it a week or two and then do what suits you. Call around for 10 minutes, quick cup of tea, hello and goodbye.

@chatterbug22 yes, on tenterhooks for an update, I hope you got through the day without being blamed for something.

@flapjackfairy thank you so much, you’ve just made me cry. Being strong enough to leave is a relatively new thing, I’ve only seen my parent twice in 2.5 years and I stupidly hoped they would be excited to see me. Does this get any easier? x

@Goosegoosedick you did the right thing leaving. It's must have been such a difficult thing for you to do. Fear obligation and guilt are all used to keep control. Is there anyone else who can help look after them or could they get a carer to go In and check on them every now and then?

@Justrealised
Do what YOU want to do without reference to what your mother will have to say about it.
If your instinct (and personally I think it is a good one ) Is that to go will result in a bad outcome then go another time.
personally it sounds like a trap and one that you cannot win because if you dont go your mother will critivcise and if you do she will likely inflict more pain .
I would keep on ringing your gran and refuse to engage at all with your mother and I certainly wouldn't take my child into that toxic situation with your mother.

That's so sad, I'm so sorry 😞

My brother also died before his time. She was a very good mother when everything was simple, but as soon as we developed our own personalities she didn't like it. And this then coincided with a period of deep depression she went through, and never really dealt with. So she was just going through the motions for years, frozen, no eye contact, hugs etc no real interest in us.

I now think as a parent it's vital to get MH support as soon as you can; I know this isn't always available or easy to do. But it's another form of neglect otherwise.

@TreePoser thank you. Sorry my post wasn't very clear. She meant don't telephone but do go round. I phoned my gran who said yes phone (call).

I think you're right tho in leaving it a couple of weeks.

@flapjackfairy thank you, I really don't want to take ds into that. He senses everything and will get upset at the atmosphere. I will phone my gran and take it from there.

Just called my gran to say I wasn't coming today as I didn't want to cause any trouble or upset etc with my mum being there. She put the phone down on me. She sounded really ill too, said she's not in a good way.

@Justrealised Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry you are going through a horrible time too, have you got something you can distract yourself with this afternoon?

My parent won’t really accept help from anyone else and my sibling will never do anything for them either (I am nc with my sibling as they treat me as badly as my parent does). The expectation is that I should do everything, regardless of how I’m treated.

You were absolutely correct to leave early; the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Re your comment, "The expectation is that I should do everything, regardless of how I’m treated" well sod that for a game of soldiers. You would not tolerate this from a friend and your parents are no different.

Nothing you do or say will ever be right for your parents anyway. You should not be or feel obligated to look after your parents in their elderly years; you really owe these people nothing let alone a relationship. They are incapable of having a healthy relationship with you because they are emotionally bereft themselves. They also blame you for their inherent ills.

Justrealised

Do not tolerate this from your nan and indeed keep your child well away from her. She may be old, ill etc but its still no excuse and her behaviour is the height of rudeness. I doubt she would slam the phone down on her DD your mother.

Your nan and mother are basically one and the same; I would stay away from the pair of them because they are both as bad as one another. Their relationship is a slow dance of codependency. Your child does not warrant seeing all this shit in his life either.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you so much, I know you’re right, it’s just hard to completely break contact as I would worry that no one was helping them.

It’s funny you should mention that I’d get blamed for their ills, I get blamed for their behaviour and if they fall ill in any way, as they put it down to “the stress I cause them”.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think she would put the phone down on anyone if she felt like it.
She is incredibly frail and I'm worried that I haven't supported her as I would have wanted to if things with dm were different. My gran looked after me znd supported me as a child, I would stay with her and my grandad for weeks especially during the summer holidays. I'm struggling not being there for her now.

I know you're right in what you're saying but it's easier said than done. I feel like it must be me as I'm the one that's alienated.

@Goosegoosedick I've been to Iceland haha.

Would your parents accept help from someone else if they didn't have the choice.