April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

54isanopendoor

Dispose of the birthday card sent for your child via the shredder and do not acknowledge it in any way shape or form.

Such behaviour from a flying monkey (aka one of your late mother's henchmen and enabler) is reprehensible. A FM has no interest whatsoever in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be roundly ignored by you.

Its so much more than just a card; its a hoovering attempt.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have no choice. It’s in four days and I would be cut off from everyone if I didn’t, I’m quite sure of it.

I was planning to go very low contact after that. I don’t know what she’s going to tell me today but I’ve agreed to meet her for a coffee just in case it is good news, but I hate unexpected conversations at the best of times. I will just walk away if the conversation turns and get in my car and drive off, simple as that.

I do take your point about withholding the information but perhaps if it is that she’s pregnant she would rather not tell me ‘virtually’. With her saying it’s nothing about mine and her relationship, I suspect that. Alternatively it could be about how she doesn’t like my OH. I really don’t know what to take from what she’s said! My friend said similar to you.

Thank you, I do really appreciate what you’re saying! Helps me to see it objectively.

Is your OH going to attend her wedding also?.

You give her what she wants i.e narcissistic supply by meeting her at all.

Please be careful when approaching this lion's den. She cannot be at all trusted (same with your mother also) and you could be well stitched up here. Ensure that you do walk away if the conversation turns ugly (and that could happen very quickly).

Going forward anyway I would lessen all social interactions with all your family members here to zero sum. It is not possible to have a relationship with people like your family members.

I wonder if your mother has knowledge of this piece of withheld information your sister is going to give you/bash you about the head with.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I am not overly sure, she’s working too so cannot ask her. My guess is probably. I know she wants to try for a baby after the wedding so if it is that I will be pleased. If it’s anything else I will be really cross that I’ve been pushed into meeting her. I will be careful, thank you, I’ll be in my lunch hour for work so cannot stay longer either way but if it even slightly turns I will get up and leave.

Ok. Let us know how it goes. Keep your expression neutral and your cards close to your chest.

@AttilaTheMeerkat she is now stuck doing something important and is sorry but wants to rearrange.

Just feels like one big game! Part of me thinks was it just a test to see if I’d agree to meet her another way? Maybe I am being cynical now! Pfff! Glad to not be going out in this heat anyway.

Sorry to spam on here today. The relief I felt when she cancelled was literally unparalleled. I agreed to meeting but had knots in my stomach, honestly feeling a bit queasy at the thought and rehearsing what I’d say in different scenarios.

30 minutes after we ‘arranged’ it she cancelled and said she’d got busy with work (from home). It was her suggestion, and she’d text me only an hour before. So I don’t know if she was just asking me to meet to test if I would or not. Also don’t know what’s to be gained by sending ‘I need to talk to you about something, in person, before the wedding. It has nothing to do with our relationship’. That’s just going to work me up and makes me worry she will cause drama on her day? I know some of you have said that’s likely. Not going is not an option, it’s a very last resort.

DM has said she hasn’t spoken to her and has no idea what it could be and suggested maybe it could be about her own birthday, or wedding. Which makes me think my sister didn’t have any good news to share.

@chatterbug22 Long time lurker here. She is testing to see if you will jump. She could have told you whatever it was in a phone call. Or a quick text. She is keeping you in line before the wedding. I will echo PPs here and say do not go to the wedding. Message just before you need to leave and say you both have covid. Perfectly believable. I have same drama vampires in my life. Went LC then very recently NC after much flying monkey involvement. By attending this wedding you are walking into a closed cage for a 48 hour mental beating. You don't need to have FOMO about it, the only thing you will be missing out on is being bullied in public with onlookers!

@Sconeface interesting, do you think? Thank you for your input. Nothing wrong with lurking, it’s interesting sometimes just to read things isn’t it, or I find it is anyway.

I was shocked really by how relieved I felt when she ‘cancelled’. It was like a weight had been lifted. I do think it was just a test though to see if I’d meet her, considering I said no yesterday. COVID is a plausible excuse but I feel as if they would all know it was just an excuse considering how many people she’s told already that I ‘reject’ her and push her away. We could always leave when we’re there if it’s really bad, right, after the ceremony? Or is that harder?

@chatterbug22 I would think attending for any of it and then leaving would cause drama and definitely make you the very bad person you already are😀. Honestly, I would leave it as late as possible beforehand and then send the message you aren't coming. Give nobody a heads up beforehand and definitely not your parents. And then go and do something nice for you both! Life is too short. Who cares what relatives you never see think of you?

@Sconeface thank you. You have a good point. You mentioned you had to go NC, was that with family too?

Yes, narc mother, enabling alcoholic father, DSis unfortunately turning into mother and Golden Child DB flying monkey. Very, very difficult decision but it was always my fault. Constant drama. Pandemic was an absolute joy as didn't have to see any of them. Things got worse once I had my 2 kids and I wasn't in step any longer and didn't jump. I realised as kids got older I would never treat them like I've been treated. Have been on here under different names for the last 9 years or so and could not have done it without Attilla and everyone else's help. I realised there is always an exit. There is always a way out. The worst that will happen is they think of you and treat you exactly as they are doing now. Saying no is one of the most powerful things I could have done. I tried the logic, I tried letters, I tried explaining my point of view. There is no point. They want you to play your role. So I decided I wasn't playing any more. There has been a load of fall out. But I owe it to myself and my kids not to allow myself to be bullied by my own bloody family.
I know it seems weird taking advice from strangers on a forum and you do need to make your own call but just ask what is the worst thing to happen if you don't go? At the end of the day it means there is no additional drama supposedly coming from/caused by you.
And if you do go? From the moment you see them it will be that you looked at someone funny, or said something in a "wrong tone" or were not gushing enough about your sister and you RUINED HER SPESHUL DAY. Whatever does not go to plan will be absolutely your fault. And your mother will agree. And you will be stuck there. Does that sound familiar?

@Sconeface are your siblings older than you? Sounds like a tough dynamic especially with there being two other siblings as you. It can feel really tough but I suppose having your children was a good way of getting perspective.

We don’t have any yet but hopefully it’s not too far off, next year/the year after.

It is a bit weird but necessary as I feel I can’t repeatedly burden my friends with it (they never say so, but it must be boring for them having to hear every single update) and my partner doesn’t like talking about it because he knows the whole situation upsets me and doesn’t want his opinion to influence me in any direction, as they are my family.

You’re really accurate actually, as I can imagine it being exactly like that. You are very insightful. I am guessing you’ve read my other posts? I am just worried that for whatever reason OH would be snubbed and left out of photos etc, or worse, who knows. She thinks that she and her husband to be are the only people in the family and hates the topic of conversation being on me and my partner. For some reason she will happily talk about my parents’ things at length with them, maybe because they’re not direct competition. It is all for show and it’s quite sad really. He quite generally appears to be laidback in character but has always been privileged and has a bit of an ego.

@KatharineofAragon and I, by the sounds, have an extremely similar situation!

Unfortunately the insight is from my own experience and am sure for a lot of others on here too. I am the eldest.
Same situation with DH and friends, they do not get it, as they have (relatively) functional families. I don't talk about it with other people, only a couple of very close friends and only occasionally.
I would expect you will get full on bridezilla from your DSis and your OH will be excluded cos he's not faaaaaaaaamily.

Isn’t it testing your boundaries though?
my father would say meet at 1.30 and then change it without discussion either forward or back eg Just phone at say meeting at 4 pm and then literally end discussion. Constant control.

I have done something either amazing or stupid. I have never taken the kids away other than to my parents house in France which we have to fly - it’s in the middle of now where so of course I have no car and no life but should be grateful for the holiday.

I have booked my two kids and I and my dogs a wooden lodge overlooking a lake about an hour from where we live in the middle of nowhere. It does have a kitchen and toilet. I am not thinking what have I done? How can I cope with them on my own ? Etc what happens if they fight 24/7 but it’s 3 night cost a fortune - it will be ok won’t it? Promise me I won’t die / this said my a top professional woman with three degrees 🤦‍♀️

@IAAP It will be awesome! And if it's not, it's only 3 nights. Get stocked up with junk food and enjoy

No WiFi so dominos and cards and radio 😂plenty of walls in the woods and maybe some nets to fish in the lake and swimming costumes and paddle board

@Sconeface I’m sorry to hear that. It must be hard. But I suppose also quite nice that you’ve the functionality of DH’s family. My partner understands well as his mother, who lives quite a bit away from us, is almost similar. It’s unfortunate. Thankfully there are cousins etc but he had a tough time just before he met me because of almost a mirror situation, so he has ways of dealing with it that I am beginning to look back on and think are effective, he is really really good at setting boundaries for instance. But you’re right, exactly right, that’s the gist of it and how she will be.

@IAAP thank you. I think it probably was designed to goad me but who knows, all just game playing really.
That sounds like such a fun trip and a way to really rest and recoup, sometimes no WiFi is good - classic activities can come out instead! Hope it cools down for you.

Feel quite ill in the lead up to this.

I just have a bad feeling. Maybe it’s me being overly cynical.

So for those of you who didn’t see, earlier this week my sister asked me to meet her and discuss our sister relationship before her wedding. I declined and repeated the boundary, that I didn’t want to discuss it before and would rather focus on her special day. She didn’t take this very well and told my parents how upset she was and that she was the only one trying to ‘repair’ this. My dad respects my feelings and will not get involved.

The following day (yesterday), she text me saying ‘I have something I need to talk to you about, in person, before the wedding, it’s nothing to do with our relationship. Can you meet me and when?’ I instantly agreed to meet her as I thought it might be happy news, like she was pregnant or something. She refused to tell me what it was prior to meeting, I asked for a general idea and she said ‘can’t give that virtually, sorry’.

For an hour my stomach was swirling and I was feeling so apprehensive with the uncertainty, and the prospect of meeting her as often previously I’ve felt intimidated in her company.

Then I got another text saying ‘something’s come up at work, hate to cancel but I need to rearrange’. I just said, sure, another day then.

Heard nothing since and haven’t reached out as I don’t particularly want to talk to her, but I am now worried as to what it might be and wondering if she has done this consciously to make me uneasy. A friend has suggested maybe she hasn’t got anything to say at all and that it was a test to see if I’d agree to meet her at all.

Thank you for all that advised in and amongst yesterday saying it’s probably just her trying to keep me in check. Honestly don’t know how I will get through this, I want her to have such a special day but I am genuinely nervous for how things will pan out and can only hope she will be thinking about other things on such an important occasion for her. I have to go as in my mind, I’ve done everything I can. I can’t not go at this stage despite all the many reasons why prioritising my own well-being would make sense.

She’s yanking your chain in an attempt to emotionally destabilise you.

If you are attending the wedding (as her bridesmaid) I would prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You know her well. You know what manipulative or humiliating stunts she is likely to pull on you or your OH.

Scenario plan in advance and decide if / how / when you will respond to her goading.

I wouldn’t fall for any notion that her mind will be on other things - I think the opposite - she will likely feel powerful and untouchable and ramp up her abuse.

What is the worst thing you can imagine her doing?

How will you respond?

In my mind she is looking to upset you enough that you react by being sullen, sulky, anxious, angry, defensive or flounce - she wants to be able to point out your poor mood or behaviour to others.

Don’t let her do this.

Smile and wave.

Kill her with kindness (for the day).

Dignity, silence and a eye roll at the most.

You might need some contingency panning around timeouts and and exit strategy at different points of the day.

What are you most worried that she will do?

Well I’ve done something brave and stupid. After seeing them over the last few weeks I went around today and rang the doorbell.
my mother appeared she was quiet - I had a picture to return and so I gave her that and she said thank you. She told me I looked well and asked how I was - I said I was ok. I asked if she was ok and she said yes. I said I respected her decision not to see us but that we saw them out and about a lot. She said she hadn’t seen us. I said ok but actually you came face to face with me in Boots back in March and I had seen them in the local town pretty much most days this week. I said she had blanked me in boots and she said she hadn’t / we were face to face and she saw me I know she did.

I said I had reached out a number of times but that she hadn’t responded so I was assuming that she didn’t want contact and she said ‘well the last time we saw you it wasn’t nice’ - this was me collecting my stuff in silence with my friends - I have never shouted at them or called them names etc
I said well I been called some pretty horrible things and I never ever had a go and was reasonable and repeated that I hadn’t come for a row but as long as she was sure she didn’t want contact that there was nothing I could do as it take two people to have a relationship and that she hadn’t seen the children for 18 months and she replied ‘I think it is best this way and no contact it the best way forward’ I said ok - that I would pass the message along and we would continue as we were. She called my father to the door and I said ‘ok that’s it I eill
go now’ as I walked away she called me back and said ‘what about your tv etc as it is still in the loft’ and I said ‘I think after 18 months without it that I have moved on - we asked three times and never got it so we just moved on thanks feel free to give it to charity now’ and I left.

so at least that’s that and 18 months later asked nicely she said no. That’s on them now not me - please don’t berate me it was something I needed to do. I’ve driven down a country lane and had a good cry. But it feel Strange that I’ve cut the cord or least I have more than it was before. They were asked they said no / that’s 100% on them they haven’t seen the grandchildren since they were 6 and 13 and they are now 8 and 15. Choices they made not me.

@DFOD thank you for your long response, I appreciate it so much. I know. I felt this nervous the night before the family holiday we went on before Christmas. I still lived with my parents at that point. My DM was defensive of her at first and we argued over it, then she came to give me a hug afterwards and said she understood. My worries were confirmed and the time on the holiday honestly ruined my Christmas even though all I/we tried to do was grey rock and grin and bear it, never called her out, she belittled me and the behaviour was honestly just so terrible but so subtle at the same time. It really knocked my confidence and made me feel rubbish.

I do think you’re right as although the behaviour is covert, she does like the attention on her and will probably feel empowered by that. She feels threatened by her SIL and makes it clear she doesn’t like her too. I don’t know how possible it will be to keep away from DSis or only be around her in the presence of others. I really hope I can at least manage that and stick to the other bridesmaids.

I have this horrible gut feeling that she is going to try and do something to come between me and my partner, like make something up that either he or I have done. Gosh, do I sound paranoid there? She loudly said before that her wedding is the last wedding our nan will live to see - which I was horrified by. Nan is elderly but has grandchildren (including me) in long term relationships. She is just very entitled and it’s almost like she doesn’t want me to be equal, I think that’s why she doesn’t like my partner. Everyone else in the family gets on really well with him, aside from DM who has been convinced by my sister that my OH is the reason I took a step back and that he is the controlling one. That in itself is really messed up. She has pretended in recent months as if he doesn’t exist. We both know what she is like and obviously have a house together but I do have anxiety and I am really worried because she is very socially clever, outgoing and will stop at nothing from emotional guilt trips to even going as far as to push my face to the side when I didn’t want to take a photo with her.

I am most concerned I’ll want to leave. I’m not drinking for that reason (not that I’m a big drinker anyway) but if I do want to leave, I can’t once we’re there as I can imagine it would be spun around as me that had ruined her day. We are staying two nights. She has already said that I’ve baffled her and affected her views of her own wedding.

@IAAP hugs. Sounds like you were brave there and made the best decision for your future, and your family. Never an easy or comfortable way of having a conversation like that is there. Don’t doubt yourself, you did it for a reason. Prioritise self care now. X