April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

Thanks @DFOD , and of course our wonderful @AttilaTheMeerkat . Good advice as always from the Stately Home.

I can't help but feel really upset by all the shit that's kicked off, even though I knew it would be coming. It's unbelievable how narcs can create such explosive high drama. Every situation turns into Nightmare On Elm Street. "here's freddie" indeed, except it's Toxic Sister and the Flying Monkeys.

You are allowed to feel hurt and rage - you don’t get to choose how you feel. It’s instinctive and real and it’s our sensory smoke alarm system so we really need to pay attention to what it’s telling us - danger / threat / toxicity.

Its the next but that’s important though - not to react but to consider how you will respond. Maybe start with self compassion- acknowledge that you have been emotionally violated and it hurts. Then to stop reverberating by physically dialling down your rage and hurt to steady your own emotions through whatever healthy coping mechanisms work for you - grounding, breathing - doing something healing and kind for yourself. Taking yourself into the radiant company of people who love and care for you. It’s v v hard. But engaging is just escalating IMHO

*bit - not but

It does still hurt, even when we GET it, and could write papers on covert narcissist and toxicity, it still hurts, we're human, we're not repressing our emotions and projecting uncomfortable thoughts outwards on to other people so yeh, the shitty texts hurt even though you understand the people who sent them and they don't understand you.

I feel a little bit unsettled but when I think about how upset I was by my mother hurting me and then acting martyred and shutting me down two years ago I HAVE COME A LONG WAY. It was a full 10/10 on the ''so anxious I feel physically ill'' and now it's a 2/10, I don't like to think about this but here the thought comes, and it will go soon.

Of course you do!
You are an empathetic, kind, decent person.
That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach will lessen though.
You are in the eye of the storm atm and its scary and huge.
((Hugs))
......
I'm still waiting for ds to "come out" to pils. I do feel anxious about it because if they say or do anything to hurt him then that's it. I'm done. No way back from that.

Does this shit cure your abandonment wounds, and betrayal wounds. After my mother sent me that text which I feel is like 'you're dead to me' I am shocked and hurt and frustrated, but I'm ok. Not as sick with anxiety as I would have been two years ago.

My whole life, everybody I've attracted in to my (''romantically) has been an avoidant user. Not looking for a man omg no but I'm wondering is this it, the resolution. After the fear of abandonment wound caused by my mother she's finally gone whole hog with it and told me not to reply to her. That's it. Officially abandoned. And............, I'm ok. If I can get through this I'll have healed that wound. I hope that's how it works.

I saw a friend yesterday who saw that the text ending ''don't bother to reply'' is a good thing. My friend said to me, the ball is in her court now. You get to do nothing and say nothing now and you're only obeying her. I could see that. She's right.

Sorry for the anxiety that everybody's going through right now.

@Sicario hope you're feeling as close to an even keel as possible.

Just putting my head in.
Dealing with the fallout from the death of my exceptionally toxic 'Mother' & her enablers. Really unbelievably horrible stuff. Given I accepted that she was the person who birthed me rather than my 'mother' many years ago I am upset how upset it has all made me, iyswim.

how are you feeling @Sicario ? Hope the upset has diminished a bit.

The joy of Hag - mother in law from hell.

So, the usual stuff. Constant moaning at Mr Monkey. A kick off because he didn’t take her up on her kind invitation to have food after the eye hospital today. “Oh, you’re too busy to have something to eat with your mother?” This is a dig at me and me “keeping him away from her.” He votes with his own feet these days.

Hilariously, she “forgot” my birthday yesterday, but bought a card and present for my mum (birthday today) via Mr Monkey getting mum some wine on Hag’s instructions. I was quite looking to the financial bribe in a card as I could give it to Mr Monkey for his therapy so we don’t dip further into our savings. I suppose the bribe isn’t necessary any more as I’ve cut off contact. She knows I’ve seen right through her.
But pretty fucking rude given how much I’ve done for her.

The summer is going to be grim as the lovely sister in law is coming down from Scotland with our nephews in August. Hag has seen grandsons four times in the 15 years or so I’ve been with Mr Monkey, never rings them etc. But does on about her Golden Boy (SIL abusive ex-husband) and the granddaughter - two or three - she’s never seen. “I’ve never seen my granddaughter” to all and sundry.

SIL is in the process of downsizing from the family home, renting it out and getting something much smaller. The Hag helpfully said “oh, it’s the family home”. No, it’s the family home that’s a huge financial millstone round SIL’s neck as your son, Hag, fucked off and left her nothing including no maintenance for their children, your grandchildren. He even tried to take the “family home” from your daughter and even laid claim to the designer handbags which were bribes every time he got caught having an affair. Quite a family for bribery. Toxic BIL was Golden Boy and a more twisted individual you couldn’t meet.

So, SIL is coming down in August for a weekend. She can’t afford a hotel, our house is tiny and no one in their right mind would stay in the Hag’s or Slave Son’s respective slums.

It will mean as in a previous year that my mum hosts SIL etc for two nights. Mum always offers. My mum adores SIL - you couldn’t fail not to. It also means that Hag will be there. For two nights. We will be there. For two nights. Already it fills me with dread after Hag’s dreadful behaviour at Mummy Monkey’s at Xmas…if it wasn’t SIL, I just wouldn’t do it ever again.

I’ve told Mr Monkey that he needs to arrange everything. He also needs to get a financial contribution from Hag.
He also needs to tell her that she is only welcome if she doesn’t repeat the toxic behaviour of Xmas.

We’ve not talked to my mum yet about it. She would be completely within her rights to say no after toxic behaviour at Xmas. She has already said “no Xmas like that ever again”. Really torn as love the SIL to bits and want to see nephews.

Have also told Mr Monkey that once the arrangements are made, he can tell Hag in early August as I’m NOT having July ruined with fucking drama from the Bitch.

I wish his family were normal. It’s the most fucked up family in the world. Last night he was telling me how the Hag used to tell him frequently that she was going to put him in a children’s home. Thing is if social services had known the half of what went on in that family he WOULD have been in care.

Over that weekend, I’m going to make damn sure that I grab a drink with SIL and give her the lowdown on what’s happened over the last two years with the witch.
Be interesting to hear about her relationship with The Hag.

I absolutely fucking hate her.

Your mother is well within her rights never to see the Hag again at all.

Re your comment
"It will mean as in a previous year that my mum hosts SIL etc for two nights. Mum always offers. My mum adores SIL - you couldn’t fail not to. It also means that Hag will be there. For two nights"

Your mother is well within her rights not to see Hag at all and particularly after Hag's shit behaviour last Christmas towards you people. She can and indeed should refuse Hag here.

"I’ve told Mr Monkey that he needs to arrange everything. He also needs to get a financial contribution from Hag".

What was his response?. And yes to the second sentence but it will be akin to getting blood from a stone. She will plead poverty.

"He also needs to tell her that she is only welcome if she doesn’t repeat the toxic behaviour of Xmas"

As if that is going to happen re she not repeating the toxic behaviour of Christmas!. Its too low a boundary and somewhat appeasing.

Do not justify, argue, defend or explain any jointly made decision here re his mother. If your mother says no then Hag cannot come along. Hag has not changed, you know as well as I do she will repeat or do very similar/worse to what she did at Christmas. And she has not apologised nor has taken any responsibility for her actions (not that she ever will in any event).

How strong is Mr Monkey here re confrontation or saying "uncomfortable" stuff to his mother?.

BTW Happy Birthday for yesterday from a fellow Gemini😎

It’s a really tricky one as this is about my SIL. My nephew has learning difficulties and wants to see his nana.

Like me, my mum will be doing this for my SIL, her sons and Mr Monkey NOT The Hag. I’m ok with that. Although we’ve not asked my mum and she would be completely in her rights to say no way. It’ll be interesting to see her reaction tomorrow.

yes, he’ll arrange everything and will sort out the money side of things. The Hag would NEVER think to contribute. In terms of him asking her to behave, it’s pointless as she wouldn’t ‘remember’ her behaviour and would never take responsibility.

He’s getting better and better at standing up to her. She’s filthy, not washing her clothes and he told her this today. She has the option of a beautiful sheltered accommodation flat which she refuses where they wash clothes for residents.

I’m past caring about her well being. If she wants to look like a tramp so be it. I sorted out a ton of stuff yesterday and found a brand new pair of trousers I bought her two years ago and into the charity shop bag they went. There is NO point giving them to her.

mr Monkey agrees he can’t tell her about seeing SIL until right until the weekend as it will just be horrific.

Thanks everyone for all the support and words of kindness. I’m taken aback at how much it has helped to keep me on the level. Getting (unavoidably) sucked back into the toxic swamp that is my sister has felt like the most massive violation.

To be able to come here and share with people who understand exactly what I’m talking about has saved my sanity.

@54isanopendoor I think it’s normal to find yourself upset about the death of your mother. It’s a big thing, regardless of the kind of mother she was and the kind of relationship you had with her. I have no idea what that “big thing” is yet because I haven’t pinned it down yet. For me, I think I’m just glad it’s all over.

@ChairPose9to5 Thank you for asking – I’m ok. It’s caused real upset with my kids and one of my nieces who I’m particularly close to, so that’s really shit and pretty unforgivable. Toxic people are such selfish fuckers. We’re all just pawns in their twisted little theatre of life.

Bloody hell @MonkeyfromManchester - I think taking The Hag into your mum's house again is a recipe for disaster. What has lovely Mummy Monkey done to deserve such punishment? Is there any viable alternative? Surely it's not your SIL's responsibility to facilitate Nana Hag visiting?

After the way The Hag behaved over Christmas AND the three month run up, I wouldn't let her anywhere near your mum again. I really hope you can find a solution. The Hag will turn SIL's visit into another stress-ball circus, you can bet on it.

@Sicario I’m so sorry to hear that your predictions with regard to your Toxic Sister came true. She is HORRIBLE. Absolutely awful to have it all stirred up again. I guess when the dust has settled from the will - how vile - that’s it and you never have to see her ever again. This latest episode will have stirred up so much horror. I’m so sorry. Take care.

"My nephew has learning difficulties and wants to see his nana".

How old is this person?. Can he be given the age appropriate truth here re his nana?. He needs protecting from the likes of the Hag.

And sadly the Hag will undoubtedly spite him too. This whole weekend is a DFS; disaster from the start. I sincerely hope Mummy Monkey says no to the Hag at all staying with her.

"If she wants to look like a tramp so be it".

I did smile wryly to myself at this comment re the Hag; I've often thought of my MIL over the years as looking like a bag lady. Its done I think to garner sympathy and to otherwise make people feel sorry for her; this poor little widow woman is the image that she wants to portray when it truth she is anything but.

Bloody hell @MonkeyfromManchester - I think taking The Hag into your mum's house again is a recipe for disaster. What has lovely Mummy Monkey done to deserve such punishment? Is there any viable alternative? Surely it's not your SIL's responsibility to facilitate Nana Hag visiting?

After the way The Hag behaved over Christmas AND the three month run up, I wouldn't let her anywhere near your mum again. I really hope you can find a solution. The Hag will turn SIL's visit into another stress-ball circus, you can bet on it.

@Sicario you are so right. I can’t think of an alternative as SIL doesn’t have any £ for a hotel and we can’t host her here in our tiny house. SIL a isn’t a user - if she was, I’d just say no - she’s one of those people who’s generosity personified and comes from a Muslim culture where family is everything and wants her sons to have connection with their family. SIL includes my mum in family. It’s a flipping mess. And it wouldn’t be a mess if that family was even remotely normal. I need to figure it out with my mum.

My family from The Netherlands is also over, but will be staying at my other equally brilliant sister in law’s family. Her mum is the nicest kindest person you could meet. Same age as the Hag, never, ever moans. A bright idea has just popped into my head - one of those days is my youngest niece’s birthday so my mum and I could go over there for a few hours. I hate the way I need to plan ahead. I think with The Hag being infirm we can leave her scowling on the sofa and go for lots of walks in the countryside. Two pubs in the village etc etc etc.

If it was a normal family visit, I wouldn’t have to think like this.

My mum is dignified behaviour personified and will be gracious, but I know this visit won’t be an opener for The Hag coming back for Xmas.

And my mum would be completely within her rights to say no to all of it.

Mr Monkey has had two nightmares since Friday when we talked to SIL about the visit. This is what anything pertaining to his mother elicits. It’s his choice to go NC with her, but I only wish he would. Even though I’m still connected to it all, my being NC is a huge help.

What is happening - and I’m not getting involved in this - is Slave Son is starting to get the sheltered accommodation for the Hag on the road. Mr Monkey is going to get the 5000 LPs out of Hag’s spare room and then she’s got no excuse. It’s going to be painful - understatement- to get her out of her lair into there. The stress might kill her. Goodness me, did I just write that?? But the new place would take a lot of the stress off Mr Monkey’s shoulders E.g. they run clinics there, there’s staff on site.

awful, awful woman.

@MonkeyfromManchester I have to say that I agree with everything @AttilaTheMeerkat says. Look at the upset it's already creating!

Yes, to normal people family is considered to be "everything". But with people like The Hag, and Toxic Sister, that rule simply cannot apply because it's too vile. Perhaps this could be explained to your SIL, and in turn to your nephew.

Don't let this potentially lovely visit and family get together be ruined by The Hag. And she WILL ruin it. You already know this, which is why you and Mr Monkey are now on high alert mode with matching sky-high blood pressure.

I've posted on here in the past about my relationship with my mother, it's been about 3 years since my last post but have continued to 'lurk' and learn a lot from others. Frankly much as I disliked lockdowns it proved a blessing in terms of distancing myself. Travel restrictions and stricter lockdowns in Ireland meant I couldn't be bullied into visiting. I have cut the weekly phone calls reduced from
daily (see past postings) to 6 weeks or more, as I realise they were part of her control. From the first lockdown till now, she has phoned me 5 times and 3 of them were to tell me someone had died!
Not a birthday message to any of us (I have 4 adult kids) nor Christmas wishes but woe betide if the other way round. Anyway,
I have managed to go very LC, one trip since Covid (her to me always better) and have got good at grey rocking, taling but saying nothing. This has been so good for my health both physically and mentally.

However I am finding that my new found freedom from my the FOG has been seriously eroded this week. It has been going on for a while and is caused a lot by my sister (golden child but with whom I used to be very close). The thing that has really upset me is quite trivial compared to the stuff that others on here deal with but I know that only people with bullying disfuctional parents will appreciate my hurt and how the little things accumulate. DH and I have a big milestone birthday in a few weeks (he is just a few days older than I) and the DC have organised a big party for us for which I'm thrilled. Travel arrangements for DM sorted by the DC (the problems she causes when coming to the UK is a whole thread in itself and is all part of her contolling.) Then Dsis,
who lives in Ireland (Golden Child, but to whom I was once very close, seems to be getting more and more like DM.) Announces 3 weeks ago that she has Plantar Falicititus and won't be coming. Knowing that I will be hurt by this and that it will probably mean my Mum won't come. My daughters' contact their brother in Dublin and arrange for DM to travel with him.

So everything is sorted and I get over my initial disappointment. If I'm honest I'm not surprised. Then, , out of the blue
I get a What's App, 2 nights ago from Dsis telling me to ring DM as she has Covid. I am proud to say that I politely acknowledged the message but didn't ring till I had the time.

Finally spoke to DM last night who immediately adopted her 'illness voice' going on how ill she is but when
I didn't offer to go over to care for her and ignored the hints she eventually let slip that the infection is really mild, nothing like she expected and that she didn't think it was anything but a summer cold till Dsis (a nurse) insisted she did a LTF.
Anyway she then delivered her knock out blow;
that, because of Covid she's not going to be well enough to attend the party (it's in 3 weeks). She's so tired and has an odd taste in her mouth. Tomorrow Dsis will do another test (6 days plus).
DM won't administer a test herself but she 'knows' that she will still be postive tomorrow and that she will take weeks to recover.
I know some people will think I'm horribly mean and should be more sympathetic
but DM takes no notice when any of us are ill. For example she never sent as much as a card when DD2 had a major operation and I told me that I didn't 'sound ill' when in hospital (life threatening emergency).

For some reason this announcement that she is not coming has upset me a Iridiculous amount and am sorry to be writing about something so trivial but it has got to me. I held it together on the phone with a nonchalant,
no problem, do whatever is best for you type response,
with a few more Grey Rocks chucked in.
and actually had the satisfaction of her starting to back track as it dawned on her that the only person missing out would be herself. However, once off the phone I started crying, it's absurd that at my age she can still upset me so much

Sorry about the lenght of my post and the strange formatting, laptop to blame.

@frami I absolutely can see why you are upset. However, you should look on this as an unexpected lovely birthday present from your mother in that you now have the freedom to enjoy your party without the worry of drama either before or during it.

@Sconeface Thank-you that's what I keep telling myself. As youngest DD said you won't have 'N&D sitting there looking like a slapped arse all night', speaking in monosyllables the whole time she's here. I'll be walking on egg shells the whole time trying, unsuccesfully as usual, to please her which of course I never do. Thinking about it I will be lucky to get a 'Happy Birthday' from her. DH definitely won't, she loathes him despite us being happily married for 36 years!

Of course you are distressed. That’s OK because as usual they have dicked you about getting you to jump through smaller and smaller hoops until the last hurdle.

You are likely not hurt that they aren’t coming - just that you have been played …. again.

We often hold out hope that they will “behave” - but they always let us down.

Sounds like you have been stung - again. Allow yourself some self compassion and time to settle reverberating from that and then in time just make those LC boundaries higher and wider.

But you have a big loving family and husband to concentrate on - enjoy your birthday.

@DFOD Yes you are right, it's the being let down again. I should be used to this by now but here I am again. Thing is when she does visit DM makes it so complicated by her refusal to fly (happily flies long haul to US but won't to UK) and my stress level rises accordingly.

I'm hurt by Dsis as well but she too has form for this. DDs who saw her a few weeks back said that she was moaning about the party arrangements (party itself - not travel) then, but didn't say anything to me as they didn't dream she would actually back out. I'm so glad to have had DH and his family to show me how normal parent/child/sibling relationships work.

They have form for dicking you about and causing you stress. How disrespectful of your DSis to complain about the party to your DDs. She is incredibly ignorant.

I would be putting in more and more distance - don’t feel any FOG because they clearly don’t feel anything towards you.

I would also be teaching my DDs what shitty behaviour looks like and what to do about it - ie your DSis and DM behaviours and to step well away - they should not feel any need to indulge or entertain their aunt or GM to be “polite” when she clearly isn’t to their DM. Teach them to be different.