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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

239 replies

Pizzandchips · 15/04/2022 18:37

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzandchips · 15/04/2022 18:37

I wish every day that he would leave, or cheat on me to take the decision out of my hands. But he's so damn lazy he never would. No one else would be attracted to him anyway, he's vile

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 15/04/2022 18:39

Can you get a job and make plans to leave? He can’t force you to be a SAHM.

audweb · 15/04/2022 18:40

Yes, you’re only young, get a job and make plans to leave. You’re copying the model of the relationship your mum has, do you not want to model something different for your kids? Would you not hope they had the strength to walk away?

Threetulips · 15/04/2022 18:42

Get a job, build a career, start a running away fund.

How old are the children?

Lavapalaver · 15/04/2022 18:43

Do you have any qualifications op?
Is your husband older or the same age?
At least you recognise your situation. I think that’s a solid starting point.

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/04/2022 18:45

You wouldn't be the first or last women to stay with a man you despise purely for the sake of a comfortable life/children/not rocking the boat.

Only you can decide if it's worth it or not? Surely your DH isn't happy either if he's living with a women who hates him and there is no sex?

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 18:45

He would have to clean up his act for your kids to potentially get a stepmum… he sounds depressed. Not your problem of course.

I agree with others here, independence for you so you can leave him. If you have a daughter, model the kind of woman you want her to become.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/04/2022 18:46

Stop being so passive.

Get a job, save some money, divorce.

What sort of crap are you teaching your children is acceptable?

JacquelineCarlyle · 15/04/2022 18:47

@DisforDarkChocolate

Stop being so passive.

Get a job, save some money, divorce.

What sort of crap are you teaching your children is acceptable?

This!
nzeire · 15/04/2022 18:48

Don’t focus on him, focus on yourself. You cannot change him, but you can change YOU.
Get studying, get working, get out.

Teddeh · 15/04/2022 18:49

I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. Can I ask why this is so important to him? Is it so he can insist you do all of the household work and childcare, or a male ego/control thing? Or so you won't/can't leave? It seems like (1) being out of the workforce will make it hard for you to survive if/when you do eventually split up and (2) not having the distraction, separation, social interaction, etc. of even a mundane job - let alone something you're really passionate about - probably makes the situation with him seem even more oppressive.

Ballcactus · 15/04/2022 18:49

Start a plan for financial independence and start doing some things that are just for you that you love to build some self esteem then leave him. You deserve a decent life and so do your kids

Gettissuesgotissues · 15/04/2022 18:50

I could have written your post word for word. I feel absolutely damned if I do damned if I don't, and I cannot believe i ended up here. I love my kids but counting down the days to freedom? Yes. No advice but you certainly aren't alone.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/04/2022 18:52

The good thing about hating someone is that you don't care what they think of you. Their words cannot hurt you. They cannot insist you do anything as you have no desire to please them.
Therefore, you can get a job. Your children can go in to childcare - how old are they?

Also, note to yourself that you have both said you couldn't bear the thought of your dc having a step mum but also that no one would want him cos he's vile. Both those things can't happen.

FairyCakeWings · 15/04/2022 18:53

He doesn’t get to decide that you can’t have a job. If you want a job, start looking for something you could do and enjoy.

Make sure you have a life you want to lead by the time you separate.

AnyFucker · 15/04/2022 18:54

I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left

This is your future if you don’t take steps to change it. Get a job or you won’t be able to leave even when the children are grown. Start to support yourself now or you will be with him forever

Jackdawface · 15/04/2022 18:55

Is he depressed or something? No clean clothes? Why?

Was he always like this? If not, when did it start?

Sorry sounds really tough.

HeadNorth · 15/04/2022 18:55

How handy to have a scapegoat for all your discontents. As a previous poster said, how about taking a good hard look at yourself instead of focusing on all that is wrong with your DH. You like a comfortable lifestyle? Then put some effort into upskilling so you can provide this for yourself. Why expect him to change when you won’t chang yourself?

TiddleyWink · 15/04/2022 18:56

To be blunt, it’s your choice if you want to stay with someone you loathe and are repulsed by, so that you don’t have to do what 99% of the adult population does and work to support themselves. Not sure what any advice anyone can give you if you’ve decided that’s the life for you, and the example to show your children. Don’t you want better for them than to repeat the pattern of you and your mum?

I’m sorry you’re unhappy but it’s quite hard to muster a huge amount of sympathy given you’ve admitted you remain the marriage for the money he provides. A bit grim really.

TiddleyWink · 15/04/2022 18:57

I’d also be interrelated to hear his side, sounds like he’s depressed. Living with a wife who despises you and just wants the money you bring in isn’t going to help with that.

We only have your side of the story but in any case, the whole set up sounds like a toxic environment for your children to grow up in.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 15/04/2022 18:58

If you arent happy then stop relying on him for money, get some self respect and a job and leave.

He sounds depressed as fuck to me, probably because of the job that gives you your nice lifestyle and a wife he knows hates him and is only there for what she can get out of him. The bile you've spewed about him on here was depressing enough to read, thank God I'm not the one having to live it. Easter Hmm

Quartz2208 · 15/04/2022 18:58

You need to address the Sahm bit hr can’t insist on that and that will help you get out

theleafandnotthetree · 15/04/2022 19:01

Your mother's advice gives me chills and I urge you not to give huge weight to it. She is not a neutral observer in this and will be filtering everything through her own skewed lens. My parents have a terribly dysfuntional and toxic relationship. When I seperated from my (ok just didn't love him) ex-husband my mother didn't say much, just worried about the kids etc but was practically very supportive. Here's the interesting thing though, as time has gone and the sky hasn't fallen in, she has practically become a cheerleader for marital seperation and says if she were in my situation and my time in Irish society, she would 100% have done the same. Her attitude towards my father has hardened and worsened too, at some level she feels really angry towards him, towards herself, towards society maybe that she has been and remains stuck in a marriage to someone SHE despises. I don't know what to say other than 'be me, not my mother' but I think your mother probably has all sorts of complicated feelings about this which may well include 'I've suffered, no reason why you shouldn't too' or 'marriage is awful/men are bastards so you might as well stick with what you know'. My mother is fab and very open minded and genuinely wants what's best for all of us so she has been able to rise above her own situation but looking around, to be honest, there's not many like her.

Howmuchwood · 15/04/2022 19:01

How old are your DC? How long are you going to put them through living in a home with no joy, no laughter, no role modelling of a positive relationship? If you have daughters, what are you teaching them (subconsciously or consciously) about your value and the value of your relationship?

If it was me I'd rather be single than live in a depressing and demoralising resentful setup like that. It will drag you all down so badly

Deafdonkey · 15/04/2022 19:02

Just to sat you are not alone, I could and have written the same. The advice is always that it is better to leave but for me it isn't. Like you our children's lives would be decimated, we'd have to move, change schools, cancel clubs, it is not worth it.
I am on countdown. I will leave when the children are self sufficient. I shall walk away and leave it all.

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