I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

[Pizzandchips]

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

Would you thank your mother is she sacrificed any kind of life for herself so you could do extra curricular activities? Even though your home life wasn’t great as you knew your parents hated each other. Trust me your kids will know. I wish every day my parents would have split instead of stayed together for the sake of the kids. This is the U.K., there’s plenty of support for single parents, universal credit top up’s etc. Your children would lead a perfectly comfortable life. Why live in this misery for another 10yrs. Get a job, plenty are flexible and allow flexible hours, our staff can take a late lunch and collect kids and log back on. Don’t make excuses as why you can’t as it will work out. It sounds like an existence not a life and we only get one shot at this thing called life.

He sounds depressed to me, he provides a comfortable life for a wife that despises him! I’d like to hear his side too

And before anyone comments, I wouldn’t stay just for the comfortable life! Children pick up on things! If he’s not depressed, then put your eggs in a basket and move on, get a job and bide your time

Can you have a life outside of the home?
Do you have friends? Does he give you money?

I would be wanting to make a bit of side money so I could go out and enjoy life. If you're not in a relationship with him then surely you have time to go out and do things instead? And leave the children with grandparents or friends?

So the kids are fine which is great.

You need to take advantage of your situation. I'm a stay at home mum who also works so I know this is possible.

I still have time to do whatever I want because my child can always go to friends or family, which is good for her to do.

My husband works a lot because he has a valuable career. I do jobs from home to make money. You're getting gifts, flip them, use the profit to wholesale buy this week's most popular product on Amazon, then sell it at a premium on Amazon, undercut the best seller by a few pennies.

He's not taking much interest in what you do? Great, set up these side hustles, apply for remote jobs, and do them while the kids are at school. Housework doesn't take that long. My house is spotless and I home educate and work from home.

Don't sit around being miserable, instead build yourself a life; a social life, a working life, and I think it is a good idea to leave once the youngest turns 16 too. By which time you should have a bit of money, enough for a rent deposit, and work that will sustain you to pay that rent.

You're in a good position here, well placed to build something, not a bad one. Yes, it's bad emotionally but don't let it be; get out there and meet people and build a network.

There's a whole world out there. Being a SAHM does not stop you experiencing it, especially if kids are in school, you literally have over 5 hours to yourself each day. I don't have that routinely and I still get everything done and earn about £600 a month for myself.

You’re not wrong for staying firstly. A lot of people will say “leave him” but I absolutely understand the concerns about splitting custody, having a comfortable life etc. If nothing else, please get a job! Even if just a couple of days a week, something easy to do and get out of the house. It will probably open your eyes to the world around you but will also mean IF or WHEN you do leave him you’ll be in a better place to start your life over.

He can't force you to be a SAHM, firstly get out there and get a job. Any job. Then work your way up.
What's he going to do about it? If he gets aggressive ring the police immediately.
He will never ever change.
You need to start building a life for yourself now so you can get out when you finally decide to do so.
You need to start building a pension.
Can you imagine being 75 and still waiting hand and foot on this fool, your entire life wasted.
A job will build up your confidence and you will realise you can do anything you want.
I can't imagine this fool finding another woman or taking care of kids 50/50 - way too much work for him.
You could spend the time before you leave doing a degree for a new career, my aunt did it with two kids, I did it with one as a single mum - we both have rewarding careers now.
Its time to make a change, if you don't want to leave immediately then start paving the way.

My first husband was like this. I told him I hated him to his face and left with DS the next day.

Get up and make your life what you want it to be that's literally it.
Yes itll be uncomfortable at first but your only other option is to accept this is your life and get on with it.

You aren't alone. I'm in a similar situation and I hate it..I have no life,no money no close friends. I'm only existing for my children

Your husband has said he won't do any childcare if you work, so what makes you think he'll want them all the time if you split? Of course he won't. He thinks parenting is beneath him.

You are taking your mum's advice and following her lead. Would you want your daughter to do the same in 20 years time? Imagine she's in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect her and makes her unhappy, and she says 'but my mum said the right thing to do is stick it out'.

If you wouldn't want that for your daugher then why do you think it's right for you? Children can't help but be affected by the adult relationships they live with. Children from unhappy marriages are affected by it. Much better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Set them an example. Show your worth. You and they will be 1000 times happier if you split.

Look for some work, retrain if necessary, seek legal advice and keep talking on here. I've been unhappily married and I've been a single parent (both a long time ago, I'm grateful to be happily remarried) and being a single parent was so much happier, and easier.

Comfort is a cage.

"I would rather hunt in the wild than eat in captivity"
I am a single working parent, there is no message more powerful than to show your children how to make your own way successfully in this world alone.

I could have written much of your op.

For the reasons you've given, I'm staying put for the time being (my dc are young). The thing I struggle with the most is lack of emotional support. I have little extended family and know I need to head back to therapy. I couldn't really describe it as a relationship more like being in a situationship.

I am doing what another poster suggested and trying to carve my own life outside of the home whilst focusing on the dc. I seem to do okay and then the reality of my situation dawns on me and I feel isolated. I don't know anyone in real life who feels like this too, it all looks okay from the outside looking in.

Yes, deafdonkey I have had similar thoughts but I have a long way to go so trying to make the most of life now.