I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

[Pizzandchips]

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

@goingback

leave, for the benefit of your children and your relationship with them. Are you really wanting them to thin "My mother stayed so we could have some nice material things while she felt trapped and depressed and hated her life" your kids may not think it now, but getting their mother at her best will be far more beneficial for them in their future lives. Show them what is really important in life, starting with breaking old cycles.

Who’s to say she’ll feel better after divorce though? With financial stress, and having to share custody of her children she could feel even more depressed and not ‘at her best’. That’s the difficulty in these situations, there is no guarantee things will work out better for everyone if you split.

I've read all of the comments & taken the advice on board. I know what I should do, it's just being brave enough to do it.

My life has become very isolated which has effected my self confidence. My workld is very small. I used to be a very social person and l loved working. As some have said, if I was working now I'd be happier as I'd have a life outside of the house and I'd get to meet new people.
My other fear, and partly why my mum acted as she did is that she she seperated from her first husband when her daughter was six years old. He did some very underhanded things and she lost her home and also custody of her daughter. He got full custody. She only saw her once a week and they had hardly any relationship. They don't speak now as adults as my sister was so badly damaged mentally from it and felt abandoned etc. I am absolutely terrified that this could happen to me. My husband is the type of man that if I say I want to seperate he will make life very difficult for me. He loves to hold a grudge. He loves to be awkward and I know he would take pleasure from hurting me. I'm too scared to to do it whilst my kids are young

Have you tried talking to Women's Aid? You're in a marriage which is financially controlling and which you're afraid to leave because of what he might do. That's pretty much the definition of abuse. Why not give them a call, just have a chat and that alone should make you feel better, as you're taking one small step forward.

At the moment, you feel completely stuck but you do have options (you just don't know fully what they all are yet). Go for a walk and give them a ring.😊

I feel for you OP. I agree with a lot of what people have said already, but your most recent post was exactly what I was expecting you to feel. Before you get a job, or leave, I would suggest you work on yourself and what you want either by counselling, meditation or guided journalling. There is loads of resources online if funds are an issue (100% recommend anything by Brene Brown or Kristin Neff). Do this now.

Also think about hobbies you like (or might like) and try and do some classes or join groups, it will give you an outlet and the opportunity to make friends, the same with helping out at school or nursery.

These things should then give you the confidence to trust yourself to make a decision. It will be hard but make the effort for yourself and your children. How you are living now is no way to live, change has to come from you whether you stay or go.

If you decide to leave, arm yourself with information. Divorce has changed this month so it will be no fault, which will hopefully make things easier. I've seen this book get good reviews www.hive.co.uk/Product/Laura-Naser/The-Family-Lawyer-s-Guide-to-Separation-and-Divorce--How-/24576635

All the best

Only read the OP. Horrendous situation.

Someone please PLEASE print this into the front cover of EVERY school textbook used by kids studying for GCSEs and A levels. The moral of the tale: Don’t, DON’T, shack up with a man and have children before completing your training/education and getting a few years of work experience to your name.

Women have to be able to fund themselves independently of a male partner and fellow parent. Don’t be dependent on him or you could find yourself trapped in a miserable situation like the OP. We have to raise our girls to be independent.

And I am sorry for you, OP, and hope you can create a good life for yourself eventually

Your husband is making life difficult for you now.

The courts won't let either of you as equal parents not see your children.

Honestly OP you are basically selling your life.
And not doing your children any favours you know that their first impressions of relationships come from their parents. What lessons are you teaching them?

Sit husband down once children are in bed and just say "this isn't working for us is it" have a conversation, you can't be in any worse position than you are now.

The man doesn't provide toiletries for you for goodness sake. He doesn't leave the house, or wash. There is no friendship, no romance, no happiness, no parenting even between you. This is the relationship lessons your children see and be under no delusion they do see it. This is far more damaging than not going to stage coach after school or having a flash tablet.

Try and see this as it is.

Work on you. Get some work, anything, if he says anything just say you need to buy soap.

Just playing devil's advocate here, the man sounds absolutely miserable, depressed even - no social life, not washing, moodiness. It can be really hard to see when you're so close and it might seem like the opposite of what you want to do but I think you should confront him about this. It could be the rocket under everything that you need. And if after that you're still unhappy then you know that you've done right by him and your children.

Nothing beats having a happy Mother. If Mum is upbeat and cheerful kids normally follow suite, its a really positive influence.
If l were you l would try to change my thinking patterns, your situation reminds me of a story about a person asking why a dog was continuosly growling, his owner replied because he likes laying on a pile of stones, even though uncomfortable, not uncomfortable enough to make the dog move.
You have to work on yourself to overcome your fearful thought patterns, because thats whats stopping you, sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith, jump and find your wings on the way down ,if you wait to see the bigger picture it will never happen, there will always be an excuse.
Think back until before you ever met your husband, you managed fine on your own then and you will manage fine now.

We have been together since we were teenagers. Have never been with anyone else. We both went from living with parents to living with each other. Our lives and families are emeshed. That's whats kept us together for so long I think.
I have been to university and worked before we had children. We were together for ten years before having kids

You need to get a job and stop subjecting your kids to miserable parents. I know what that’s like and so do you. They know you’re unhappy- let’s not kid ourselves.

It’s hard but it will be worth it. As you are the main carer I think it’s extremely unlikely he would get 50/50 never mind any more.

@Pizzandchips

We have been together since we were teenagers. Have never been with anyone else. We both went from living with parents to living with each other. Our lives and families are emeshed. That's whats kept us together for so long I think. I have been to university and worked before we had children. We were together for ten years before having kids

And that is what terrifes you presumably as you have never lived on your own as an adult woman (unless you lived away at university.)

You have a very limited life experience of marrying a man you met as a teenager.

For some couples this works out fine, but for someone like you it seems it's made you feel very trapped and fearful of change.

What work did you do and can you pick it up again?

@Pizzandchips

I've read all of the comments & taken the advice on board. I know what I should do, it's just being brave enough to do it.

My life has become very isolated which has effected my self confidence. My workld is very small. I used to be a very social person and l loved working. As some have said, if I was working now I'd be happier as I'd have a life outside of the house and I'd get to meet new people.
My other fear, and partly why my mum acted as she did is that she she seperated from her first husband when her daughter was six years old. He did some very underhanded things and she lost her home and also custody of her daughter. He got full custody. She only saw her once a week and they had hardly any relationship. They don't speak now as adults as my sister was so badly damaged mentally from it and felt abandoned etc. I am absolutely terrified that this could happen to me. My husband is the type of man that if I say I want to seperate he will make life very difficult for me. He loves to hold a grudge. He loves to be awkward and I know he would take pleasure from hurting me. I'm too scared to to do it whilst my kids are young

With respect, you have fallen into the trap of catastrophising- that's imaging the worst case scenario, without any real proof it will happen.

What your mum went through 30 or more years ago is not how life is today. You are not your mum and the law has changed.

You have no idea how your husband will react. (He may be relieved.)

And even if he does try to make it difficult, you can get legal advice and support.

How do you think it's going to change when your kids are older?

Just think about it. By then you will be over 50. Do you imagine getting a job then after being out of work for 20 years is going to be easy? You are likely to end up worse off and living on a low-wage income unless your degree gives you special skills that are in demand (and will be in 10 years' time.) At the moment, your H would have to support you and your kids if you divorce. In 10 years he won't.

OP, can you explain more about the money? You say you don't have any money for yourself but you also mention taking the children on days out, holidays, getting them nice toys, etc. Presumably you are also the one doing the food shopping as a SAHP.

Did you mean you have no money of your own, as in your own separate income? Or that you have no access to family money?

Your kids are going to copy your relationship. Just like you did.

Someone quoted me upthread, I stand by those words. Do NOT waste your one precious life in misery and unhappiness. In the end, no one will thank you for it.

Listen, some women can 'make the deal' with themselves to stay in a bad marriage. But those women are always getting something out of it for themselves, usually a cushy lifestyle. But you are NOT. You are getting nothing out of this and in the end your children will not thank you for sacrificing your happiness for the sake of keeping them in clubs and nice holidays. They would much rather have a happy mum who is living her best life. They'd rather eat beans and toast with a happy you than filet mignon with a miserable you. And trust me, maybe they're too young to pick up on it now, but they soon will. And they will carry that within themselves, they won't come to you with it and ask you to explain why you are doing what you are doing.

Right now it's pretty obvious that you are terribly isolated. You confide in your mum who made the same decision you made and has been unhappy as a result. Do you really think that's the right place to seek advice and support? You need to find a way to expand your world and seek support elsewhere. Do you have friends or other family members you can confidently confide in? Seek them out. Consider seeing a counselor, someone unbiased who can listen and help you see all sides of your situation.

Ultimately, the decision is yours. But I wouldn't want to spend years of my life in a prison of misery. You say you are university educated. I think you need to look around you and see what's out there, work wise . I'd also suggest seeing a solicitor and asking them exactly what divorce would mean for you financially as far as maintenance and settlement as you seem to think you'd walk away with absolutely nothing. You may be pleasantly surprised.

You deserve so much more than you are 'allowing' yourself to have. But at least educate yourself to what you are choosing to give up by seeing a solicitor so you are making a truly informed decision. Even if you have to 'step down' in style of living, that does not make you a 'bad mother'.

Don't count on an inheritance.

Start training asap for a career.

This is your one and only life.

Would you parents be happy to leave half of their hard earned money to someone you despise ?

He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

WHY?

Why does he do this?
What do you children think about it?

Do your children have grandparents? Do they comment on this behaviour?
Does he blame work?
Do you minimise it?

@DisforDarkChocolate

Stop being so passive.

Get a job, save some money, divorce.

What sort of crap are you teaching your children is acceptable?

Absolutely this ^

I think the OP has a pretty good idea how her husband would react, he has controlled her life pretty effectively so far and will not let go easily or willingly. He has been managing finances and is described as successful in business, this means hat there is money somewhere, probably the house is paid for too.

Pizzandchips has been a SAH mum supporting him in marriage and family life, she is entitled to a large share in their wealth, including pensions and any other investments. As always the difficulty is starting divorce and making sure that she and the children stay in the house and he leaves, a good solicitor is going to be needed to make this happen, or at least get enough cash to live elsewhere.

This, stop waiting for the useless lump to do something, take control, get a job, and save for a divorce, it's not going to improve and it's shit for your kids to be around, they will pick up that you despise their dad.

Take some responsibility for your happiness rather than hoping that he leaves you, you need to leave him.

I feel exactly the same with mine. I feel stuck and dont know what to do

This. So many women are socialised into marrying a “provider” and end up like this. It’s not the 50s - you have options