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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

239 replies

Pizzandchips · 15/04/2022 18:37

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

OP posts:
AntarcticOwl · 15/04/2022 20:31

You always had the choice not to be a sahm / build your own career from the outset. It's never too late

Hiroe · 15/04/2022 20:35

@CambsAlways

You say you have inheritance coming as your parents are in their eighties! I find that an awful statement to make!
Agree. It’s obviously coming from a desperate place though. I could never say this about my own parents.
bobby81 · 15/04/2022 20:37

I was in a similar situation 4 years ago & it took all my strength to finally leave. It hasn’t been easy & the divorce took ages but I’m so happy & proud of myself that I did it. If you really want to leave then you need to start actively making plans & doing something about it. You are the only one who can make your life better. I’m now in a happy relationship & it’s changed my whole life. Separation can be difficult for kids but so can living with miserable parents.

DrSbaitso · 15/04/2022 20:40

Why would the kids lose the material stuff if you split up? Would he not provide for them?

XingMing · 15/04/2022 20:41

I think it is easier to do now while you are younger than it will be with every passing year. I know MN is all about the children, but they will grow up and pass the trauma to move on their lives. It sounds as if this is your break point. and it does make me think you should be selfish and act in your long term interest. I can't tell you where that lies.

Mummytobe93 · 15/04/2022 20:45

I’m surprised at how little responsibility the OP is taking for her own life…

so it’s everyone else’s job to pay for you, be that your husband or your parents inheritance?

I mean, as long as you’ve got two working hands there’s plenty of jobs you could do whilst your kids are at school.

There’s so much you could do to improve your situation instead of waiting for either your husband to cheat or your parents to pass away…

I cannot comprehend this sort of attitude in 2022 in a first world country

Darbs76 · 15/04/2022 20:46

I’d be looking at getting a job and some financial independence. This will make leaving him a lot easier. From the child of parents who stayed together for the kids, please don’t do this. It’s really doesn’t benefit kids at all.

Crazykatie · 15/04/2022 20:48

Sorry, you should have asserted yourself years ago, so do it now, get a job and make damn sure he does his share of parenting.

needmorethanthis · 15/04/2022 20:49

You absolutely can get away from him now. The kids going on nice trips isn’t a good enough reason for you to sacrifice your life. Go see a solicitor for a free half hour of advice and start working out the reality of your finances. He will need to pay CMS for a start.

Lovemusic33 · 15/04/2022 20:51

I was in the same situation. I remember pushing him towards women he worked with in hope he would cheat (someone would take him off my hands), I did everything with the DC’s, we left him at home when we had days out and holidays, he never came to hospital appointments or parents evenings, we slept in separate beds and near the end I couldn’t even look at him let alone be intimate with him.

Eventually I bit the bullet and told him it was over, he begged and pleaded with me and I gave him a month to change but in that time I realised I just didn’t feel attracted to him anymore and however hard he tried it was never going to be enough so I ended it for good. My dc were 11 and 9 at the time. I have to say it wasn’t easy but it was the right choice and I’m glad I did it. He did meet someone else and I’m fine with that, I get along with her fine. He only sees the dc one day a week and I have them the rest of the time, he has continued to be a rubbish father and does nothing with them other than taking them to McDonald’s. My life and my DC’s lives are much better, we go on holidays, we have days out and we don’t have to return to him sat infront of the tv.

JustAnotherSod · 15/04/2022 20:51

I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things

This really stands out - perhaps worth asking yourself if you want to be having this same conversation with your child in 30 years time.

You seem to have repeated the relationship you were modelled - your children will likely do the same. It's still within your gift to change what messages they grow up with and change that future conversation to one where your children enjoy different relationships than what you and their father are currently modelling them.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 15/04/2022 20:53

Instead of waiting for the children to get older to leave, start by getting a job and building a future for yourself and your children.
You can't stay like this for a few treats.
Start being more independent and proactive.

SellingBee · 15/04/2022 20:53

Your marriage is a template for your children's future relationships. For this reason I would leave.

Pallisers · 15/04/2022 20:56

@SellingBee

Your marriage is a template for your children's future relationships. For this reason I would leave.
This in a nutshell. Your marriage is a template and your telling your children you stayed for them is another one. This is a toxic situation for everyone OP and you can't see it because you are mired in it. Step back, get some help and see what you are doing to yourself and your children.
CambsAlways · 15/04/2022 20:57

Hiroe, she may have said that coming from a desperate situation as you say! But I would never be waiting for my parents to pass away so I could get money handed on a plate for gods sake, totally selfish

Goldfishbowls · 15/04/2022 21:02

As others have said, do speak to Women’s Aid, you shouldn’t be left with no money for yourself. You’re running the home and bringing up your children. Please, please invest in your future: academic courses, vocational courses and part time work. Women can sacrifice too much for a man who’s happy to let you do all the work.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/04/2022 21:04

Are the children at school?
Get a part time job. He can’t insist that you don’t- tell him you need it for your MH.

StopStartStop · 15/04/2022 21:04

@DisforDarkChocolate

Stop being so passive.

Get a job, save some money, divorce.

What sort of crap are you teaching your children is acceptable?

Yes. This.

Apart from the last line. Your children might indeed be learning to live in an unsatisfactory relationship but I understand why you're doing that.

But with your own income, you'd be in a much better position to set a good example on that.

FrecklesMalone · 15/04/2022 21:04

I grew up in your household. I would have swapped happy mother for less shit every every time. It took me ages to realise that my parents relationship was not good and to aspire to more. Sadly my sister never has and lives a drab existence. Want more for your children.

DrSbaitso · 15/04/2022 21:04

I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things.

And how's that working out for her?

You can't wait for your parents to die before you start to live. And as people have said, you can't be certain you'll see that inheritance. It could get swallowed up in care fees. Are you even sure it's there, if your mother is as excluded from finances as you are?

You are utterly miserable. What are you scared of?

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 15/04/2022 21:05

Why do you think your husband would stop providing for your children if you divorced?
What has he said or done that makes you think he'd be happy to see his children go without?

You're staying for yourself, not the children.

LesleyA · 15/04/2022 21:09

He is depressed no doubt, low self esteem. Get him to the dr to get meds and you will not know the man. People may think this is appalling advice but I don’t care. Try it

saraclara · 15/04/2022 21:10

@SellingBee

Your marriage is a template for your children's future relationships. For this reason I would leave.
More concisely put than I could manage in my earlier post. This is absolutely it.
me4real · 15/04/2022 21:23

PP's are right that he's quite abusive @Pizzandchips .

kiki22 · 15/04/2022 21:23

Leave him money can't buy happiness and your children need happy parents to show them how to live healthy lives with healthy relationships so they don't continue the cycle.

No amount of money is worth living with someone you hate your kids will notice soon enough and grow up in a toxic environment. Even if you think your hiding it they will know.

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