I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

[Pizzandchips]

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

I think as others are asking, if you can pinpoint the time in which things started to go downhill then you can figure out whether counselling or talking to him might help? Do you get on at all? Obviously if it’s gone beyond that and there is possible financial abuse then ignore that.

Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms.
No he hasn't aware I don't love or like him. I play happy families.

I'm sure he's completely oblivious.
Depressed, his wife hates him, he has to work all day looking at the same four walls because if he doesn't bring the money in for the family, no-one will. In his spare time he'll even dare to watch TV, what a bastard.

I'm sorry you're in this situation & I know how you feel as I too was in a similar situation.
My advice, for what it's worth, is Do Not leave your separation until after you loose your parents .. do it now.
Your parents will 'support you' emotionally & if you divorce after you inherit your 'DH' will be entitled to half your inheritance
If you divorce now, your divorce lawyer will (hopefully) seek a settlement that provides for you & your children .. trust me, you won't get your years of happiness back so gain control now & claim some years of happiness.. they're out there & you deserve it. ❤️

You can't live like this! You're waiting for the chance to leave a husband you detest, you're waiting for your children to be old enough to cope with the split, you're waiting for your parents to die so you'll get their money...this isn't life, OP. It's a living death.

Could you work? Honestly? Could you physically cope with working? If so, then go to some employment agencies with a CV and say you'll take anything they can offer. It doesn't matter if you earn a low wage initially and it all goes on childcare - you're buying your independence and a foothold in the job market. You can build up your skills and confidence and work towards a better-paid position. It will give you a new perspective and make you feel less helpless.

Kids know, by the way, when their parents loathe each other and a marriage is dead on its arse. They aren't stupid. I wonder whether they would really want you to live like this so that they can afford extra-curriculars and tech.

If my kids are upset regarding us separating when they are older I will tell them the truth that I had to stay married so that they would be provided for otherwise their lives wouldnt have been so nice. If they can't deal with that there's nothing I can do really. I feel as if I am sacrificing my happiness and my own life so they have a stable childhood. I'm willing to do this but not once they are grown

Please don’t lay this guilt trip on young adults (as I am assuming they will be when you explain why you stayed). Not leaving isn’t for them is it? It’s because you don’t think you’ll cope, and that really isn’t a good enough reason to waste your own life. As for staying put so the children can be happy; I’ve yet to meet an adult who didn’t know full well the misery and resentment in the house despite the carefully constructed facade (I’m a therapist so have had many conversations about this). I doubt anyone is fooled, certainly not your DH, and your children only temporarily but they will cotton on soon if they haven’t already. What are the chances you’ll sacrifice your prime only to discover the quite toxicity of your existence has done more damage than you could ever imagine?

Wouldn’t your children be happier without the nice things but with a genuinely happy mother? You may struggle with funds if you were to divorce but you would have more financial autonomy and you could live with more authenticity which is worth so much more.

I could have written your post, indeed have often thought about writing here, and the words wouldn’t have been at all dissimilar. I have had little affection and even less sex with my husband for the last 10/15 years. For the last few years he has worn the same jumper or T shirt for months on end, showers once a week. I too felt I would wait for the children to finish their education, they then spent 7 and 10 years at university, and I am now nearing 60.

Don’t waste your middle years, don’t waste any years, with such a difficult man.
COVID was the end of our relationship, I was furloughed for best part of two years and he worked from home, it was a snapshot of what our retirement would be like, I was often physically sick as I couldn’t cope with the dissonance. Last July I told him our relationship was over, he hasn’t spoken to me since. We are living in the same house, with a small holiday home that he refuses to go to despite the fact he can work from anywhere, and I cannot go there as I have commitments locally. I honestly think he is punishing me for daring to end our marriage.

I will now end up working into my 70s as I’m going to need a mortgage, and I look back at my years since my 40s and hate that I was so passive and didn’t get out sooner.

I should have valued living my life much more than I did, and you should do the same.

If it's true that he's depressed or unhappy because of me then he can leave?

Sorry to say but you sound pretty selfish.

It’s not fair to keep pushing the blame on him or your children.

You are the one that’s not happy.
Yet you keep saying you’re staying for the children’s sake or you want him to leave - you’re trying to take the cowards way out.

Why do you want him to leave?
So you think you can keep the house?

What would be different with him leaving vs you leaving?

Can you not work out why your Husband has changed so much now, as from being quite ok years ago.. To say you now despise him so much, is a very strong emotion to have. towards a Husband. I would wan't to know, why he has now clocked off , and prefers to live like he does now. There are usually reasons why people change their personality traits like this.

I wouldn't be going down the road, saying it was depression that's causing this, as that's a regular and often used term used by lots of people now, who can't handle problems in life.

You say you’re staying for the kids, but you surely realise that they are seeing a terrible relationship and they are definitely aware that your relationship with your dh is abnormal? Do you want them to continue the cycle that you saw with your parents?

As a sahm with no income of your own, you are very vulnerable. I think it would be a good idea to explore employment options and how childcare could fit around this. You are leaving yourself open to financial abuse currently, sounds like he is already doing this as you have no money of your own.

I just want to say about the not wanting your kids to have a step mum part... My step dad was the first, steady, reliable trustworthy character in my childhood. I'm 50 now, and I'm still moved to tears by the impact he had on my life. In fact more so the older I get. He was selfless, a breath of fresh air in a toxic, otherwise pretty tragic childhood. Be certain you're putting your kids first, it's not black and white by a long stretch.

I’m not and never been married ( although I have a partner and children ). But I’m a solicitor who mostly deals with bad divorces . I see this a lot , I had people giving up mid divorce because they value the comforts over independence despite hating each other . It’s not up to me or anyone to tell you what to do but from seeing it a lot I think the day will suddenly come when you cannot do it anymore or you will just grow old resentful of the life you could have had . I think people often use the children as a excuse too , kids are fine with less , they know and see how miserable your life is even if you think they don’t .
The think that astonished me the most about dealing with divorces daily is how much it will eventually affect kids , not straight away but as they grow . Most kids prefer their parents separated , older kids deal with it worse and I think they eventually just be in the same cycle . It’s an awful think to tell you as it’s hard to accept but you are probably damaging your children a lot more by being with him. You are telling them their happiness is not important and that having a healthy relationship is not important , that being selfish and comfortable is ok and you are unavoidably starting a new cycle .
You say you are 40 . I’m 40 myself and I just fell in love again less than 2 years ago . I have 2 kids from previous relationships and a new baby . You still have a lot of years to live hun . You deserve happiness . Your children deserve to understand what a healthy relationship is and how ill be ok if you are ok .

Your children won't thank you for being a fucking martyr, you know.

I know, because I've lived it. My mother situation was just like yours, she stayed...and I knew from the age of 9 that my parent's marriage was an utter farce, that our whole family life was based on a lie. My parents never showed affection to each other, it was as plain as day they didn't love each other.

I'm angry at both of them...and I certainly don't feel guilty about my mother, she made the wrong choice, made the choice for not only herself but for myself and my two brothers to live a lie. My parents were wealthy, and all the travel and creature comforts didn't make up for what was missing.

Speaking from some (albeit small sample size compared to any published studies!), children know when things aren’t right. Personally, I think, unless you’ll be completely homeless, it’s better for children to have happy parents, rather than the resentment of being in a toxic environment and thinking this is a normal way of living. Would you prefer your children to know it’s ok to leave, rather than be trapped in a relationship where nobody is happy. No matter how you try and hide it you can’t. You should try and do what’s best for your children emotionally and socially. They Love you more than they love the house and comfortable lifestyle. If it was your children (as adults) in that situation, what would you like them to do?

Get out of the house and get a job OP, just because your husband insists you stay at home doesn't mean you have too! Stop making excuses, you've no money as it stands so go get a job and change that, you can't say your husband does nothing if he is working and earning money.

Leave him - stop waiting and hoping your husband has an affair so you can justify leaving and avoid being the bad guy, just

I was similar to you OP, but it took another 10+ years for my marriage to break down. My biggest regret is not ending it sooner and all the years I wasted in an unhappy marriage and the impact that had on my children. You are still young enough to build a new life - maybe retrain and find a career you can manage. I can't believe I stuck with such an unhappy life for so long and I wouldn't advise anyone else to do it.

You love your children, right? And they love you. They wouldn’t want you to feel this unhappy, later on in life when they look back at how things were and they form their own relationships. And you would NOT be like your mum and give them shitty advice like you’ve had. Don’t waste more years like this. Don’t waste half of your parents inheritance. There is nothing to gain for anyone in this.

He's more than likely as unhappy as you

@Pizzandchips

I wish every day that he would leave, or cheat on me to take the decision out of my hands. But he's so damn lazy he never would. No one else would be attracted to him anyway, he's vile

Isn't it strange that cheating and violence are things that you are "allowed" to split up over, but yet for many people, being bloody miserable doesn't seem reason enough to act otherwise? I'm going to quote from another thread where @Acrossthepond55 wrote this: I'm a lot older than you and I've seen, done, and been through a lot. I've learnt a lot of very hard lessons but let me tell you the most important one. We only get one life on this beautiful Earth of ours and it is too precious to waste in unhappiness and misery. And it is worth any risk, worth any fear, and just about any cost to get to our happy life, for we will not pass this way again. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4488691-Completely-distraught?pg=5

Sounds horrid. Honestly, don’t stay just because you’re worried about their being a step-mum through. Firstly, he sounds as though he might not even be that interested in seeing the kids. Secondly, you yourself say that no-one would be attracted to him anyway so it may be a moot point anyway. And thirdly, even IF their was a step-mum, they’re no all that bad. Yes, it’s hard the first time you see them with your kids. But surely it’s far worse staying with an awful man when you’re young enough to find someone better.

Gah, ignore the spelling mistakes. Too many wines!

@THisbackwithavengeance

You wouldn't be the first or last women to stay with a man you despise purely for the sake of a comfortable life/children/not rocking the boat.

Only you can decide if it's worth it or not? Surely your DH isn't happy either if he's living with a women who hates him and there is no sex?

^This

You only get one life though, would you consider seeing a solicitor….

OP, you sound so down and depressed.
Are you able to see your GP? Do you have friends or family to talk to?
I also agree with the advice of contacting Women's Aid.

Your DH does sound controlling and financially abusive..
Do you drive and how often do you get out?

It's hard to see any light at all when you've been down for so long. With your DC in school try to carve out a bit of time for some self care with something you enjoy that is only for you.

There is a technology thread on here for women interested in a new career.

You say you have inheritance coming as your parents are in their eighties! I find that an awful statement to make!

You sound fucking miserable OP and this can’t go on. Your kids would be at least as happy in a lighter environment as they are in this misery with a lot of extras. You mum has been a poor example to you, and she wants you to stay unhappy because she is. Do you want to be this kind of example to your kids?

The plus point about being a long term SAHM is you will be entitled to good support because you don’t have any earning power right now. You also want to split up before you inheritance so hopefully you get to keep that.

So, don’t say a word to him. Pull all your financial info and go and see a solicitor, this will give you an idea of what you’ll get.

Make a plan with your solicitors advice and move out. Get a job, and once you are settled, build up a career. You only get one life and right now you aren’t living it.

Also do the freedom programme, if he’s able to insist you stay a housewife then it sounds like he has you crushed.

@CambsAlways

You say you have inheritance coming as your parents are in their eighties! I find that an awful statement to make!

@CambsAlways

That’s ridiculous. It’s a factual statement to make.