I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

[Pizzandchips]

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

How old are the children? As everyone else has said get a job, or go into training for a job, then build up some money and leave him. You only get one life.

That’s sounds really hard, I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time.

Can I ask if things have changed radically or if you've always not liked him much?? Has he changed a lot since you married? Does he show affection for you or your children? As a PP said, it sounds like he has his own MH issues and although that’s not your problem, it’s impacting on you. He sounds equally unhappy to you. Would marriage counselling help you both see a way to separate in a healthy way?? Perhaps he is just a twat, or maybe you’re both just unhappy together and would be happier apart?

If you start working on yourself, getting job etc and start to feel better he might get a fright and pull his socks up too.

I was a sahm at his insistence initially as his job has different working hours at short notice so it was easier that way. When the children started at school I had an accident and fractured my back and pelvis. It took me a long time to even walk again properly and I have no feeling in my leg and foot drop. This combined with my husbands working hours meant that it was hard for me to return to work.
Let me repeat myself, my own life is not cushy, or comfortable in any way. I don't have ANY money of my own. I never have anything new. My clothes and toiletries are Xmas gifts from family. I don't recieve gifts from him. I don't have a life outside of this house either and no cash to do anything. I am certainly not a lady of leisure.
My husband provides everything for our children and they live a lovely life of trips out, nice clothes, toys, technology etc. They do extra curricular and have lots of treats. It is them that benefit from this situation, not me in any way

I am struggling to see how you envisage leaving him when the children are grown.

If I was to leave they would lose a lot of that. For me to work now whilst still with him he won't help with the children. He has told me straight that he won't do any childcare. I wouldnt be earning much so my entire wage would go on childcare or into the house money so I wouldn't be able to save any anyway.
I have an inheritance coming to me when my parents pass (they are in their 80s now). This is what i intend to use to seperate (I don't even care if he gets half of that). The children will be grown so won't need childcare so I will then be able to work

Your mums advice is the actual worst. Generations repeating itself. You have no right to resent him when you are gaining from him. Get a job and plan to leave. This is not healthy for the kids.

I'm going to come at it from the other angle here..
He sounds like he is the sole financial provider for the family, which is a lot of pressure I would imagine, and he is aware you're not in love with him. That sounds very depressing. Did you love him when you married him, or when you had children together? Do you respect your husband and what he does for you? It's very harsh to say that you despise your husband. Maybe he is just returning the energy that you're giving out. I don't think there's any bad guy in this situation but I do find it sad and I'm sorry you're going through these feelings. Hope you can figure it out

* To be blunt, it’s your choice if you want to stay with someone you loathe and are repulsed by, so that you don’t have to do what 99% of the adult population does and work to support themselves. Not sure what any advice anyone can give you if you’ve decided that’s the life for you, and the example to show your children. Don’t you want better for them than to repeat the pattern of you and your mum?*

^This. What kind of example are you setting to your kids???

You cannot rely on an inheritance. Any part or all of that money could be eaten up in care home costs.

If you arent happy then stop relying on him for money, get some self respect and a job and leave.

All there is to say.

Don’t want to sound dramatic but it sounds like modern slavery! You can’t do anything apart from clean, cook and care for the kids … is it really better than them having a step mum?

Sorry I do want to stick up for him a bit as there are two of you not just you, so you sleep in separate rooms and you hate him? Sounds soul destroying. He’s probably lost self esteem and that’s a viscous circle once it starts. I get you must feel this too but does he deserve the hatred? Best to talk about it at least?

When did things change op?

I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things.

This makes me so sad. It’s literally history repeating itself.

How did you feel as a child growing up?
Did you know your mum was unhappy?

I am a single parent.
I cannot afford luxury holidays, a nice big home, designer clothes or fancy cars but I love my life.
Me and my DD have a genuinely happy home. I have a job that I love and I am appreciated at and I get to decide every single part of my life.

One of the reasons I am single and why I probably wouldn’t live with a man whilst my DD lives with me is because I grew up in a home where my parents were very unhappy.

I always said I would never have my child raised in an environment where she feels uncomfortable knowing I’m unhappy.
My job is to show her what a healthy relationship looks like.

I’m concerned you’re staying ‘for your children’ but actually you’d be doing them a favour by leaving.

You need to divorce him before you get your inheritance.

Look, kids don't care about material things as much as you might think.
They do care their mum and dad are happy.

Clearly you are not and they will know that.

It's damaging them now.

They will grow up with a skewed idea of what a marriage is.

If you think your parents will die soon (already in their 80s) then I'd guess your kids are teenagers and do not really need childcare.

You are making excuses.

If you leave him, he will still be responsible for maintenance till they are 18.

You have grounds for divorce as he sounds controlling and his behaviour unreasonable, although no fault divorce is now an option.

She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things.

Dear lord your mum's advice is scary. You don't have to "stick with it "nor tolerate. Start preparing yourself mentally to separate.

Can you find an online training course and start retraining without your DH finding out? Now there are so many opportunities to work from home and do online jobs. What are your interested?

I believe there is going to be a cap on care home costs?

Answering some points.... No he hasn't aware I don't love or like him. I play happy families.
He is the sole breadwinner through HIS choice....
He isn't depressed, he loves doing nothing. But even if he was I couldn't care less at this point tbh.
If my kids are upset regarding us separating when they are older I will tell them the truth that I had to stay married so that they would be provided for otherwise their lives wouldnt have been so nice. If they can't deal with that there's nothing I can do really. I feel as if I am sacrificing my happiness and my own life so they have a stable childhood. I'm willing to do this but not once they are grown

How old are your children?

@Deafdonkey

Just to sat you are not alone, I could and have written the same. The advice is always that it is better to leave but for me it isn't. Like you our children's lives would be decimated, we'd have to move, change schools, cancel clubs, it is not worth it. I am on countdown. I will leave when the children are self sufficient. I shall walk away and leave it all.

Your children will figure out that you only stayed for their sake. I don't know if they will thank you for it, going by the posts I see on here.

@Pizzandchips

I believe there is going to be a cap on care home costs?

Answering some points.... No he hasn't aware I don't love or like him. I play happy families.
He is the sole breadwinner through HIS choice....
He isn't depressed, he loves doing nothing. But even if he was I couldn't care less at this point tbh.
If my kids are upset regarding us separating when they are older I will tell them the truth that I had to stay married so that they would be provided for otherwise their lives wouldnt have been so nice. If they can't deal with that there's nothing I can do really. I feel as if I am sacrificing my happiness and my own life so they have a stable childhood. I'm willing to do this but not once they are grown

How old are they?

So he is financially abusive too. It sounds awful op.

At the moment there are greater wfh opportunities than there have ever been before. It may be a good time to look for a job that can be done from home.

After reading your OP I really hate him too. Just leave. Life is too short. Do not waste any more of it.

You can't live your life hoping for an inheritance. The cap is around £75K but that does not cover food and other expenses.

You say your H works from home- so hat's to stop you finding a job that does that mostly?

How old are you children? How much childcare do they need?

You don't seem to understand that the family model you are in is damaging your children.

You are setting a terrible example. If they are girls, they will see you as a weak, controlled person. If they are boys they will see a man who controls the mother.

Is this the life you want them to look back on?

So why did you marry a man who loves doing nothing?