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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

239 replies

Pizzandchips · 15/04/2022 18:37

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 15/04/2022 19:22

If my kids are upset regarding us separating when they are older I will tell them the truth that I had to stay married so that they would be provided for otherwise their lives wouldnt have been so nice.

Please don’t ever tell them this. That’s a very selfish thing to do.

You are staying because you’ve chosen to. It’s not the children’s fault.

If you left you’d get maintenance payments and whatever income you’d bring in. You’d also get 50% of any assets and 100% of your inheritance.

You would probably be better off.
Please don’t blame your kids for your choices.

me4real · 15/04/2022 19:23

I have no feeling in my leg and foot drop

Could you get some PIP @Pizzandchips ? It isn't dependent on family income. That way at least you'll have a little bit of money for yourself.

Your mum is talking bollox. About 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, so people don't have to put up with a crap marriage anymore and you wouldn't be doing anyything abnormal by separating.

If I were you I'd try and divorce before your parents die. That way he won't get half of that. You say you don't care but you deserve your own inheritance, it's not like he's supportive to you or done anything to deserve it.

Original poster

Pizzandchips · 15/04/2022 19:23

Kids are all under ten years old.

If it's true that he's depressed or unhappy because of me then he can leave? That would do us both a favour. He isn't interested in the kids anyway so wouldn't miss that.

OP posts:

Jackdawface · 15/04/2022 19:23

Also of course he’s picking up on you not being happy. If there’s no affection an no sex etc, or is he asexual?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/04/2022 19:24

Question - do those of you staying for the kids think your husbands will suddenly stop providing financially for the children if you leave? My ex is a mid/high earner and I left him, he did not suddenly decide to stop providing and punish our DS for it. DS enjoys everything he would do if his dad and I were still together - music lessons, horse riding, swimming, holidays. If you're a SAHM then it's not like your household income would drop suddenly if you left meaning he can't provide any more.

Hankunamatata · 15/04/2022 19:24

Well its important he knows how you feel. If your going to stay you may as well try marriage counselling

workingmomlife · 15/04/2022 19:25

He is the sole breadwinner through HIS choice....

How though if you said you had an accident and have long term medical issues associated with it?

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 19:25

Their lives are not nice now. They are living in a home full of tension and hate where you despise their father.

why aren't you saying how old they are?

How long are you holding out? Till they are 16? 18? 21? Believe me, parents splitting up when they are doing exams or are going to uni is as bad or worse than when they are younger.

Original poster

Pizzandchips · 15/04/2022 19:25

@Jackdawface in my op I said that he has become like this. He was NOTHING like this when we met or for the first ten years of our relationship. I chose to have kids with him because I loved him so much. He is not that man any more

OP posts:

NewandNotImproved · 15/04/2022 19:25

Do not pass the blame on to your kids and tell them you exhibited this miserable sham for them . Own your choices, you don’t get to traumatise your kids and act like you’re doing them a favour.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/04/2022 19:25

Wow. Don't ever say this to them. Unless you want your children to feel simultaneously angry you chose to model an outdated, unequal, unhappy relationship dynamic AND guilty that you stayed 'for them'. Christ.

Stylishkidintheriot · 15/04/2022 19:25

Get a job. And split up.

This is awful for both of you.

Jackdawface · 15/04/2022 19:26

You sound very bitter and yeah agree with pp don’t tell the kids that about why you stayed, that’s a bit cruel op. Can you not even talk to him and have a talk about how you feel? If you can’t even talk to him then that’s no way to live

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 19:26

@Pizzandchips

Kids are all under ten years old.

If it's true that he's depressed or unhappy because of me then he can leave? That would do us both a favour. He isn't interested in the kids anyway so wouldn't miss that.

So you are afraid of taking the initiative but happy for him to leave.

Does he despise you?

Jackdawface · 15/04/2022 19:27

@Pizzandchips when did things change between you and him?

bembridge11 · 15/04/2022 19:27

Have an affair on the side. No strings - just fun. It will make day to day way more bearable.

higherthanthat · 15/04/2022 19:28

Don't tell them that. Its not fair to put that on them. I have every sympathy with your situation and I completely understand why are making the choice you are and I genuinely respect the reasons you have. But your choices are you own and you must own them. Its not fair to tell your children that the cost of their childhood was your life and happiness. Tell them anything else, that you waited for the inheritance, that you made the choice for your own reasons. But do not tell them you were miserable for their sake. That is a terrible burden that they do not deserve.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/04/2022 19:28

@bembridge11

Have an affair on the side. No strings - just fun. It will make day to day way more bearable.

Yeah, that's a great example to the kids. When things get tough, take the coward's way out.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 19:29

You created a very dramatic subject line for your thread.

Now that people are trying to help- having got their attention- you don't appear to want to take advice.

If that's the case, what did you hope to achieve by posting?

butterpuffed · 15/04/2022 19:29

I find it hard to believe you 'play happy families' the whole time. Your views on him are extreme , so he's probably aware.

How does he feel about you ??

RightOnTheEdge · 15/04/2022 19:29

Your mum has stayed in an unhappy marriage and you are going to do the same.
Are you not concerned about the message you are sending to your children and that they will carry on the cycle because they see how you live and think this is normal?
It's really depressing thats what your mum wants for you. Is it what you want for your children?

saraclara · 15/04/2022 19:30

Woah. What are you thinking? You're setting up any daughters to accept a miserable marriage. If you have boys, they're learning how to treat a wife and children, from their father who controls you and makes your life miserable.

Your mum has messed up your attitude to marriage, and you're doing the same to your children.
Why on earth you think that your present strategy is best for your children, I really don't know.

namechange30455 · 15/04/2022 19:30

So you grew up with your parents dysfunctional marriage and now you've copied it. Do you really want that for your kids too?

redastherose · 15/04/2022 19:30

What are your financial circumstances. As you are married anything in either parties name is a join asset so even if he has only his name on the house etc you are entitled to a share, this includes his pension which might be considerable if he is a higher earner. In any event leaving now is preferable to waiting and wasting years of your life.

higherthanthat · 15/04/2022 19:30

Also, if you have no money of your own, are you in a financially abusive relationship?

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