I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

[Pizzandchips]

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

@nzeire

Don’t focus on him, focus on yourself. You cannot change him, but you can change YOU. Get studying, get working, get out.

This go to university anything get qualified and get out

@DisforDarkChocolate

Stop being so passive.

Get a job, save some money, divorce.

What sort of crap are you teaching your children is acceptable?

This, 100 times ^

You don’t have to leave today. Divorces are like weddings, you have to plan ahead, adapt, save and commit to your new life (single this time) as soon as you are ready.

This kind of posts always reassure me that there is far more dignity in being a struggling single parent than staying married for the money.

Aren’t you losing the will to live as yet? give it another year and you will be so frustrated you, yourself, will be providing your children with a very toxic environment. You don’t need to wait until you are so fed up you start throwing things at each other, start putting your ducks in a row now.

If my kids are upset regarding us separating when they are older I will tell them the truth that I had to stay married so that they would be provided for otherwise their lives wouldnt have been so nice. If they can't deal with that there's nothing I can do really. I feel as if I am sacrificing my happiness and my own life so they have a stable childhood. I'm willing to do this but not once they are grown

please, don't ever ever tell your children that!

Your kids' lives aren't as nice as you want to think. They will be aware, just as their father will be. Nobody plays happy families as well as they think they do. It's also a shit example to set for your children. You copied what you saw, so are they likely to.

Have some agency in your own life.

I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them

Except that he pays for it all, which in my view is a contribution people undervalue when they are not the one doing it.

Look he doesn't sound great, and if you want to leave you should work towards that. He can't stop you getting a job, and you should do it now because by the time your children are older you will be too. But whatever decision you make in this situation which you and your husband have created, don't attempt to make your children feel responsible for it.

There's been a lot of good advice on here and I certainly agree that you should start taking control of your present life and your future. How can he insist you are SAHM? What would be the consequences if you found work or started studying? A break down in relations? It seems like that's already happened. Take stock, decide where you see yourself in 10 years and do those things that will enable you to realise your hopes. Don't wait for what might never happen. You are still young but you need to start looking to the future now.

OK thank you for the comments regarding what to tell the children. I'm not thinking straight at the moment as very unhappy as you can tell by my comments.
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I can't believe you are staying married to a man you despise for the sake of material things that he can provide for your children?

You are young and could easily get a job. You don't have to be shackled to him. Don't repeat your mother's sad life.

So you're in a miserable, empty marriage, you're increasingly bitter and twisted, you think your H doesn't know how you feel (of course he fucking does), you intend to live a toxic sham for years, and you think your kids will thank you for having their house be a horrible, tense place where they never felt fully safe, for having to shoulder the guilt that you "stayed for them", because they got to wear nice clothes?

Right. That'll happen.

@Pizzandchips

I believe there is going to be a cap on care home costs?

Answering some points.... No he hasn't aware I don't love or like him. I play happy families.
He is the sole breadwinner through HIS choice....
He isn't depressed, he loves doing nothing. But even if he was I couldn't care less at this point tbh.
If my kids are upset regarding us separating when they are older I will tell them the truth that I had to stay married so that they would be provided for otherwise their lives wouldnt have been so nice. If they can't deal with that there's nothing I can do really. I feel as if I am sacrificing my happiness and my own life so they have a stable childhood. I'm willing to do this but not once they are grown

No, no cap on care home costs, only on personal care. Everyone still has to pay the fees for living in the care home- to cover rent, council tax, food, clothes washing, bedding washing, cleaning. About £4000 a month currently. The cap is £85,000 spent on nursing care or care at home. It's a huge swindle by the government.

Leave. My mum stayed in an unhappy marriage for “her kids”. Honestly we resent her for it, has caused so many issues as we spent years in a house where there was always a frosty atmosphere. Even if you aren’t having blazing rows kids can sense the mood like anyone can. I was the child in the situation and me and my siblings all have a tough relationship with my mum now because of it and because she wants to rewrite history and say it was for our sake. My dad was oblivious to how unhappy she was but still has to take some responsibility(he was a lot like your husband). Don’t pretend it’s for your kids, you’re doing it for yourself as you’re too scared to rock the status quo.

Okay, hate your husband but don’t use that as a reason to have a miserable life, don’t spend the years waiting until the kids grow up getting miserable, get strong instead.

Let me repeat myself, my own life is not cushy, or comfortable in any way. I don't have ANY money of my own. I never have anything new. My clothes and toiletries are Xmas gifts from family. I don't recieve gifts from him. I don't have a life outside of this house either and no cash to do anything

Ok OP, I have read this again, Ignore the judgement police giving you a hard time. God knows there are people on here who seem to just salivate at the idea of sticking the boot into a woman who feels trapped in a shit relationship.

The quote above sounds exactly like you are in an abusive relationship, a financially abusive and controlling relationship, where you are allowed no life of your own, and no money to have any life of your own. No wonder he has taken the opportunity to work at home. All the best to monitor you with. And no wonder he insisted you became a SAHM.

I suggest you talk to woman's aid. They can talk things through with you and, unlike many of the posters on this thread, they understand how living in abusive, controlling relationships affects woman and leaves them feeling trapped.

I completely understand why you hate him. He is vile.

You say he wasn't always like this op. When did it change? Was it during the pandemic?

Could you manage any job OP?

Agree with above, even if you can work part-time you would get a lot of support as a single parent with childcare. How about working in the school so it works around them?

Just imagine you were reading this post from one of your children - what advice would you give them?

Don't wait years to change - life is too short.

I don't have a life outside of this house either and no cash to do anything

If this is the case then you're in a financially abusive relationship and need to speak to women's aid. It is even more important you leave if you don't even have access to cash.

I understand you are not thinking straight. Good advice above about contacting support services such as Women’s Aid.

You make it sound like you are trapped, but you are in a gilded cage of your own choice. This can be very hard to break out of because the fear of doing something different can be paralysing.

You are being financially abused at the very least. Seek help.

@Pizzandchips

I wish every day that he would leave, or cheat on me to take the decision out of my hands. But he's so damn lazy he never would. No one else would be attracted to him anyway, he's vile

So you WOULD leave, despite the inevitable change in circumstances, if only you had what you think is an acceptable reason?

Clearly you do think you could cope and potentially be happier apart. But for some reason, you need it to be someone else's decision.

Look, you have clearly entered into the exact same marriage as your mother. Do you want that for your children? Because that is what they will do.

your children are absorbing the unhappy atmosphere in their home. when you leave when they are 18 telling them you stayed for them - as you are planning - will be guilt inducing and horrible for them. Make your choices but don't blame your children for them and don't plan on telling your children it is their fault you endured an unhappy marriage.

[quote Pizzandchips]@Jackdawface in my op I said that he has become like this. He was NOTHING like this when we met or for the first ten years of our relationship. I chose to have kids with him because I loved him so much. He is not that man any more[/quote]
What do you think changed? Such a dramatic change must have a cause? I’m just wondering if you could understand that then it might provide a way to make you happier as you are quite clear you will stay.

I feel you OP. I've been on the same countdown to the children being grown so I could leave and start living the life I want, not the one I'm shoehorned into by a controlling 'D'P. It's soul destroying, and saps everything out of you.

I'm now 5 months post separation, and things are better than I could have imagined. I was lucky to get a job in the last place I worked before leaving to have DS, so I'm financially independent. The DC are now sleeping better, the cat as stopped stress weeing on the doorstep multiple times a day, the house has never been more organised, and I spend much more time doing nice things with the DC than I did before. We do much more in the house, such as baking and crafting, because I'm no longer so desperate to be out of it and away from their Dad, so I'm spending less on entertaining them. DS has positively blossomed in the absence of his Dad.

We're still ironing out the kinks in the contact situation (complicated for various reasons), I actually have more disposable income than I did before the split (I had no hand in out finances for years, as I didn't earn, so I have no clue where our money went, we should never have been struggling as badly as we were), so I've been building up some savings as well as clearing all of the debt I discovered during the process of changing bills and accounts into my name.

Everything hasn't been a complete bed of roses, my energy levels are still lower than is typical for me, but it's a physical tiredness as opposed to the soul deep emotional drain that it was a few months ago. DD has found the change hard, she's a Daddy's girl, but she's adjusting, and is still happier overall.

I strongly urge you to do some research into the reality of how comfortable financially you would be if you broke off the relationship. I was worried about even covering the bills, but in reality, so long as I consider everything I spend, we have enough, plus a little extra left at the end of the month, and I'm not on a particularly high salary (teacher on a 4 day a week contract).

I deeply regret not being firmer about him moving back in when we separated during the first lockdown.

People aren’t sticking the boot in. It’s a request for advice. They are giving advice that might not be easy to hear but it’s true it’s no way to live in an empty marriage. Of course it’s not easy and black and white but we can offer experience and steps to take. Otherwise what is this forum even for?

I understand your fear of how it would be sharing custody of your children and if avoiding that is the priority honestly you may be better off just leading as separate lives as you can. Can you find a way to live happily if you detach?

Been there, I made him leave. I am poor but a million times happier!! The only thing I missed apart from his income was that he didn't put the bin out on a Thursday night amymore! dd took it all in her stride and now actually has a relationship with him, before as he played no part in family life she didn't .

@Gettissuesgotissues

I could have written your post word for word. I feel absolutely damned if I do damned if I don't, and I cannot believe i ended up here. I love my kids but counting down the days to freedom? Yes. No advice but you certainly aren't alone.

Me too I fed up Coming home nothinj done and him just lying on the sofa watching football Stinking of beer