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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

254 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:55

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

OP posts:
Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:57

To add I have explained to her how it’s not normal and did make her uncomfortable so something should be said but she is playing it down saying it’s not like he raped her or anything and stop talking about it

OP posts:
RB68 · 14/04/2022 15:58

I think she knows you have to say something, I would have another chat with her and explain that she shouldn't put up with it, its not for her to be embarrassed and ashamed but that her Dad needs to know so she is not put in that position again. I am afraid now you know if you don't say something you are complicit if nothing is done

Lbnc2021 · 14/04/2022 15:59

My initial reaction would be taking his door off the bloody hinges but that isn’t going to help anyone. I honestly don’t know I’m sorry. I’m sorry you and your daughter are going through this, hopefully someone more helpful than me will answer Flowers

HermioneWeasley · 14/04/2022 16:02

Absolutely, he’s the one who should be embarrassed. He’s relying on her female socialisation to get away with it. She needs to tell her dad (or you can have the conversation) that she doesn’t want to see him again and be very clear why, and that he’s lucky she’s not reporting him to the police for assault.

Amdone123 · 14/04/2022 16:02

I understand your predicament, op. I was a primary school for over 20 years, and children would often confide in me and beg me to not tell anyone. It's awful, but of course, you have to ; it's your duty and something we all need to do to safeguard our children.
Reassure your dd that it's not her fault, that what happens next is not her fault, but you can't standby and do nothing.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 16:03

I feel so torn. I really want to say something but my hands are tied. She doesn’t confide in me ever so I don’t know how I could betray her trust.

This man has 3 other grandchildren younger than my dd and sees a lot more of them. I feel like ringing their mother to let her know but I can’t even do that!

OP posts:
NoiceToight · 14/04/2022 16:09

I'd say something OP. I'd go right round there and would want to put his head through the wall!!

Your dd will grow up and look back on this and understand why you had to deal with this and she'll know you protected her, even if it meant breaking her trust.

Sortilege · 14/04/2022 16:10

Your hands aren’t tied.

You HAVE to speak up.

You’re modelling the right thing to do.

She’s nervous about the fallout as all abuse victims always are but the right thing to do is to address it.

Dontknownow86 · 14/04/2022 16:12

You'll be betraying her if you say nothing and something worse happens next time she is taken round there. She'll look back on it as an adult and wonder why you didn't protect her.

Eatingjumper · 14/04/2022 16:13

You absolutely have a responsibility to do something here. You are the adult she has trusted with this, you must show her that this is his shame and not hers! What is this hand wringing?! Get on the phone to her dad and step mum and tell them what has happened!

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 14/04/2022 16:14

I would maybe speak to her dad and ask to say your dad saw… and go from there

knowinglesseveryday · 14/04/2022 16:15

I think that, given she is 16, I'd keep the discussion going with her to report. Also maybe take advice eg NSPCA may have a leaflet on approach.

Lacedwithgrace · 14/04/2022 16:17

Speak to her about what the options are, who you can tell etc. Police, nspcc, social services if you think other children are at risk of being around him. Tell her you need to tell someone because she and others aren't safe

Eatingjumper · 14/04/2022 16:17

Just to add - oftentimes this is a predator testing to see what he can get away with. Just something ambiguous that could be explained away incase it is called out. Once he knows he's gotten away with it who knows where it goes. And then the pressure is on your daughter.

romdowa · 14/04/2022 16:19

You shouldn't have agreed to keep quite. You should have explained instead that this is very inappropriate and has to be discussed with her father.
You will now have to talk to her again and explain that it is your job as her mother to take this further and that you were wrong to promise other wise. She needs to understand that nothing bad will happen to her but these kinds of things cannot be kept secret.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 14/04/2022 16:20

You need to say something. When she's older she will remember that you never spoke up for her.

VerifiedBot2351 · 14/04/2022 16:20

You have to act, not just for her safety, but for the safety of other young women and children around him.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2022 16:22

You have to tell your daughter right now that there are some things that absolutely can not be kept secret. This is one of those times.

I would be on a fucking rampage if I were you.

Catupatree123 · 14/04/2022 16:23

Talk to her, explain its not her shame and you both need to do the responsible thing and tell her dad, to protect others too. I've got a 16 year old too who im sure would react similar, however, I know if I sat her down and explained it to her she would be ok with it

peacocktail · 14/04/2022 16:24

If you say nothing at all this means that you are protecting him. EATINGJUMPER is right. He is putting 'harmless' feelers out.

Orgasmagorical · 14/04/2022 16:25

but she is playing it down saying it’s not like he raped her or anything and stop talking about it

Speak to her about how you feel, OP, tell her you don't want to betray her trust but there is a hell of a lot at stake here. How many adult women now say they told of similar when they were her age and nothing was done? Too many. It doesn't leave you.

I think it's worth pointing out to her that rapists and abusers start with the small stuff to see what they can get away with. It's unlikely to remain a 'bum jiggle' the more he does it. And he will do it again.

He had no right to do that to her. I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

Whatwouldnanado · 14/04/2022 16:31

Stick up for your daughter, reassure her you won't make a fuss to cause future embarrassment. Speak to the man privately, explain that while he probably didn't mean any harm your daughter was upset by what he did, never to do it again to any female in the family and if he speaks to her or anyone else about it you will report him.

Mahanii · 14/04/2022 16:49

If this were my daughter I'd bypass the dad/stepmum and call the police. He has sexually assaulted her. You have a responsibility and duty of care to report it. I am a safeguarding officer, kids always say they don't want you to tell anyone, yet when you do they are relieved.

Fuck the hand wringing, get on the phone. I promise your daughter will thank you in the end and WILL confide in you next time because she KNOWS you will do the right thing.

Hiddenvoice · 14/04/2022 16:50

Have a chat with her and explain she can talk to you about anything and everything but you can’t keep this a secret as you need to look out for her. By keeping it quiet you run the risk of this man trying it again.
You can reassure her that you will be there for her and support her but you need to tell her dad.

IAMGE · 14/04/2022 16:53

@Eatingjumper

Just to add - oftentimes this is a predator testing to see what he can get away with. Just something ambiguous that could be explained away incase it is called out. Once he knows he's gotten away with it who knows where it goes. And then the pressure is on your daughter.
Exactly this. Police for me - this is assault and an unwarranted sexual assault