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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

254 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:55

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 14/04/2022 17:52

And when your daughter turns around and says it never happened/you misunderstood ,then what?

I would hope the police are well versed and used to the situation you describe

Speakingofdinosaurs · 14/04/2022 17:52

You need to speak to your daughter again.

You said ‘This man has 3 other grandchildren younger than my dd and sees a lot more of them. I feel like ringing their mother to let her know but I can’t even do that!’

Tell your daughter that it is likely that he is touching the younger grandchildren too, given he has far more contact with them.
Ask her to be strong to help protect those youngsters and let you tell her father and probably the children’s mother what has happened so that they can keep an eye on them.
At the end of the day your daughter is at far less risk than those other younger ones - now you have talked it through with her and she knows it’s not acceptable.

theDudesmummy · 14/04/2022 17:54

He may not be touching the younger chidren yet...but he will be when they come into whatever age range he goes for/can talk himself into thinking is OK and not child abuse...believe me

TheMoreYouKnow · 14/04/2022 17:55

Plus the fact that she never confides in you but did this time shows how big thing is and that it's made her feel so awful. Protect her, tell her you admire her courage for speaking out and that you'll sort it out. Tell her dad AND tell her stepmum, hopefully at the same time.

Blue4YOU · 14/04/2022 17:57

OP. I had a grandfather who lifted my top up and wiggled my developing breasts on numerous occasions- in front of all my family.
That caused me to allow a lot of inappropriate behaviour from men throughout my life - I was raped by someone I knew and trusted because I didn’t know what to say.
I wish my parents had told the old creep to get the fuck away from me. I had to do the protection of myself.
It still echoes throughout my life - I’m 47 now. 3 years ago my daughter’s doctor touched me inappropriately (caught me between his legs and stroked me ). Because I couldn’t face the fallout eyc I delayed reporting with the end result being the hospital and the GMC didn’t believe me - because I delayed.
The police were wonderful and did believe me but didn’t take it to the CPS because the doctor is married to a man. It’s been three years since it happened and it was hell not being believed.
But if I could go back in time I’d report all over again and straight away.
And to the police.
In your DD’s situation you need to explain how incidents like this stay with somebody for life when nothing is done. Reporting now and she will get a lot of support.
Tell her you will go to the police: and take it from there

oakleaffy · 14/04/2022 18:24

@Workinghardeveryday
Your Daughter might be underplaying what actually did happen.

My biggest regret was not telling parents of a serious sexual assault when I was a child.

The bastard would have at least been caught.

You have to say something.

Lacedwithgrace · 14/04/2022 18:28

@Whatwouldnanado

Stick up for your daughter, reassure her you won't make a fuss to cause future embarrassment. Speak to the man privately, explain that while he probably didn't mean any harm your daughter was upset by what he did, never to do it again to any female in the family and if he speaks to her or anyone else about it you will report him.
What a load of shite
TikTokCat · 14/04/2022 18:31

Going against the grain here but I think at 16 your daughter should get a say on whether she reports this or not.

I think you need to spell out all of the options, and most importantly that you will respect her decision, and support her and be there for her.

I know others will disagree with me, but she has been really brave telling you what happened. She has trusted you with the information and she probably doesn't know who or what to trust right now.

Uncustomary hugs for your dd and you.

Blue4YOU · 14/04/2022 18:47

It’s not that she shouldn’t have a choice - it’s that it’s almost automatically the case that abuse victims fear reporting and the fallout more than the damage of keeping it hidden.
It’s what abusers know and rely on.

2bazookas · 14/04/2022 18:48

I think this might be one of those times when you have to explain to DD that sometimes it's up to you as a parent to take the weight of a decision off her shoulders and do what's necessary to protect her

  IME, teens quite often need their parent to "take the weight"  in ordee to rescue them  from  a situation the teen is to inexperienced and immature to handle.   

Don't do it behind her back;   tell her first.

" I'm sorry, I didn't handle this very well; I should not have promised to keep it secret from Dad and I'm not going to.

It's important for her to learn from you that in life and relationships we all make mistakes and have to back-track. The adult thing to do is admit we got it wrong, , apologise and do it right.

jeaux90 · 14/04/2022 18:50

I agree with @TikTokCat

Going to the Police isn't always the right thing for the victim. It may create further trauma.

But this should be up to her.
I know it's preferable for these predators to get punished.

I would find it very hard not to go round there and tear him a new arsehole though and threaten him with being reported. He needs to know you know.

Blue4YOU · 14/04/2022 18:50

And perhaps it’s worth telling your DD that a lot of tv portrayals are not even vaguely accurate about what happens when you report an assault.
Historically yes, but it’s usually defence lawyers who are utter dicks about the victim and not the police.
Could you talk to her about reporting via a SARC?

Blue4YOU · 14/04/2022 18:52

And what happens if she doesn’t report? She goes around there again to feel powerless and humiliated and afraid?
Because not telling dad means that will happen.
Not telling the police means he can and will do it again to whomever he can. It’s never just once

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2022 18:56

I would call the NSPCC and ask your DD to speak to them. Sometimes it comes better from someone who isn't our parent. I do think it's important as she's that much older to let her have some control over this. Hopefully they can convince her that for her safety and other children's safety this needs to be addressed, and to advise on the best way to address it. They may also be able to advise on any fears she has (eg. People won't believe me).

ldontWanna · 14/04/2022 18:57

@Blue4YOU

And what happens if she doesn’t report? She goes around there again to feel powerless and humiliated and afraid? Because not telling dad means that will happen. Not telling the police means he can and will do it again to whomever he can. It’s never just once
She's 16. She doesn't have to go anywhere she doesn't want to even if she hadn't been sexually assaulted.
Lostoldusername · 14/04/2022 18:58

You absolutely have to say something. It's bizarre to think you would even consider nit saying it!
How would you feel if next time your daughter was around him (whether that be in 3 weeks or 3 months time) he took it further and groped her again - and much worse. You'd be in the knowledge that you could have spoken up but chose not to and she was subject to it for a second time.
Also, given he has younger Grandchildren also that he is around, you have a duty if care to speak in for their protection/prevention.

TikTokCat · 14/04/2022 19:02

I am not saying don't deal with this. I am saying that there are several ways to deal with it.

The advice to call nspcc is good because they can be objective in a way that family can't (and shouldnt).

All I am saying is that I think it will do dd a lot of good to gain a feeling of autonomy and control in this situation, and if mum rushes straight to police then this could be undermined. She may decide herself to go to the police but I imagine that decision, with scaffolded support, will be less traumatic than it being taken out of her hands

lollipopsarentbreakfast · 14/04/2022 19:05

Call the police. He sexually assaulted her.

I haven't been to my Mum and Dad's house in YEARS (over ten) when we want to see each other we meet up in a public space. Their friend sexually harassed me and they did nothing, their explanation for doing nothing? He has bipolar. I love my parents but cant help but feel like they didnt want to help me. They just wanted to protect a pervert. I just found out he also sexualy harassed his other friends daughters. He had no consequences and it makes me sick to think how many girls he inappropriately touched.

Sometimes you have to do these things, call the police and stop your daughter's Dad from taking her to his in-laws until this is sorted. Teenagers and children often think they're going to be in trouble if they tell on an adult. But it's your JOB to tell her she's safe and that no harm will come to her

tearinghairout · 14/04/2022 19:10

I think she has confided in you because she didn't know how to handle it, and wants you to make it not happen again, despite what she said. It's a bit like bullying in that we don't want to report it when we're bullied, for fear of making it worse, etc. But still we tell someone. I wish my mum had listened to me/read between the lines when I tried to tell her I was assaulted. I was 16 and thought I'd somehow encouraged it, so I tried to tell my mum but didn't tell her the whole story. It's a tricky one because they seem so grown up, but aren't really. I would tell her that you need to take action.

Veryverysadandold · 14/04/2022 19:12

Agree with pp, tell her you have to phone police and tell her dad, then do it. I was a teacher for a long time and it's a legal duty to not keep a secret like this. I realise you're her parent but there are so many reasons you need to do this as pp say. To add my personal experience from a different perspective, one of my students sexually assaulted me in a similar manner and I called the police, no regrets about that. It sent a clear message that it wasn't going to be tolerated or brushed under the carpet and the police were brilliant. She will thank you later.

greenlynx · 14/04/2022 19:13

I agree with @Speakingofdinosaurs approach it from the point of younger grandchildren, also someone mentioned that highly likely he won’t stop at this, it’s true unfortunately. I wouldn’t talk privately with him and I wouldn’t talk privately with your exH, I think you need to go to the police and tell family about this at the same time otherwise it will be buried.

WTF475878237NC · 14/04/2022 19:14

I would talk to her about having a responsibility to others and how, whilst she's OK with just forgetting it, there are younger children to protect. Ask her to think about how she'd feel if she found out they were being touched by him and you both keeping quiet colluded with it.

ldontWanna · 14/04/2022 19:16

@TikTokCat

I am not saying don't deal with this. I am saying that there are several ways to deal with it.

The advice to call nspcc is good because they can be objective in a way that family can't (and shouldnt).

All I am saying is that I think it will do dd a lot of good to gain a feeling of autonomy and control in this situation, and if mum rushes straight to police then this could be undermined. She may decide herself to go to the police but I imagine that decision, with scaffolded support, will be less traumatic than it being taken out of her hands

This . Ideally everything OP does will be with her consent, but if she is reluctant,she at least needs to be informed as to who will know and why.

Everything is still fresh and she will be hurt,confused,angry ,ashamed etc. OP does not have to do anything right this second except be there for her DD and listen to her. As her feelings settle and her head stops spinning, DD might change her mind her self. Calling NSPCC is good for impartial advice and OP has the opportunity to talk things through herself.

She already has had her body,her boundaries,her consent violated by someone. Having the same done by her mother can do more harm than good .

This is a very serious matter and needs to be handled with sensitivity for the DD's sake, no matter how much the "burn the house down" instinct is screaming at us/OP.

ldontWanna · 14/04/2022 19:18

@WTF475878237NC

I would talk to her about having a responsibility to others and how, whilst she's OK with just forgetting it, there are younger children to protect. Ask her to think about how she'd feel if she found out they were being touched by him and you both keeping quiet colluded with it.
That responsibility NEVER lies on the victim. Can we stop peddling this awful,outdated and mysoginistic advice?

This girl has just been assaulted and you want to lie the responsibility of any future victims at HER feet? Put that pressure ,shame and guilt on HER shoulders? The kid has enough to deal with, she doesn't owe anyone anything.

veronicagoldberg · 14/04/2022 19:18

I would be round there like a flash to have words.