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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

254 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:55

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

OP posts:
Mischance · 14/04/2022 19:20

Get some advice over this to help with your decision - definitely make sure that she is never put in a position where she has to be anywhere near this man.

bhooks · 14/04/2022 19:20

Sending sympathy. Such a tough situation for you both. I do agree with those who think you need to explain to your daughter that you can't keep this a secret, that she has no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed and shouldn't worry about any fallout.

I think you should explain she never has to see her step grandfather again and that to ensure that happens it is best her Dad knows. (Then talk to her Dad and hopefully you will both be on the same page but if not, ensure he understands your daughter has the right to and will be refusing to see that man again).

However, I strongly disagree you need to go to the police. That should be her decision at her age. Police involvement is not necessary to protect her now - and hopefully won't be needed in the future. It is not for her to shoulder the burden of responsibility for her step grandfather's behaviour or potential/future behaviour with others. The only person for her stepgrandad not sexually assaulting anyone else is him! If she chooses to report to the police, then that's different. But I wouldn't be putting my daughter through a police report she didn't want to make, not when reports of sex crimes rarely go anywhere anyway!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2022 19:22

@Whatwouldnanado
Absolutely not. As someone, who had something like this happen to me but worse at the same sort of age, this is terrible advice.

I actually wanted what happened to me to be addressed. But disgustingly was told not to say anything. Wouldn’t want to upset his elderly female partner!

Situations such as these should not be kept quiet. Please talk to your dd again and explain the implication of doing nothing. It is clear now the elderly man, who incapacitated me was a seasoned paedophile.

spotcheck · 14/04/2022 19:23

She's had a terrible shock.
You don't have to do anything immediately, perhaps let her digest it, and then have another conversation about how she would want to progress with regard to protecting herself, and perhaps others.
IE) she doesn't go there, but says nothing. Or she decides to tell her dad, or she goes to the police.
Perhaps lay out a bare minimum - that she is not allowed to go there or be where that slimeball is.

She is probably worried about the effect this will have, but that man had already thrown a hand grenade into the family, that can't be unchanged now

OakRowan · 14/04/2022 19:24

@theDudesmummy

Another strong vote for going to the police, however hard it seems. I work with adults who have experienced all "levels" of sexual abuse as children. This should be reported to the police. That validates her experience and the fact that it is a serious issue. It models the non-acceptance of abuse, which will help her to process it functionally in the longer term. It also protects her from further situations, not just with this abuser but with others, as she will be more empowered to speak up and less coerced into the female role of making everything OK and comfortable for others. It also potentially protects other children his man has contact with, and it sends a wider message that this is abuse and not OK. Please do it. He is not going to end up being prosecuted (unless there are more accounts to come out of course, which there may be), but it is just one more step in the fight against the normalisation of abuse of women and children.
This times a million.
OakRowan · 14/04/2022 19:27

You can't go and have a word with him, or send anyone else, he's a wrong un, not a safe person for any children to be around, ever. There is nothing you or anyone else in the family can say to.him that will stop him, or change his behaviour, or his personality. Take control, report this.

MzHz · 14/04/2022 19:28

This is a situation where your dd needs to know that there are some things that you can’t just leave

There are others at risk from him.

He’s not a direct relative of hers so she’s not doing anything “wrong” to her own family, but her step mum needs to know - the other parents need to know

Do you get in with ex and his wife? Have a quiet word with them.

She knows it’s not something she needs to be ashamed of, but she has to know you can’t leave
It.

We’ve had this happen in my DH family. The relative was convicted and served time. It’s a very serious crime.

Obimumkinobi · 14/04/2022 19:29

You are her Mother and must protect her. In the short term, you may be unpopular for "telling", but that is part of your job and is non-negotiable. If you fear the conversation with her Father, then get a close friend to support you, but you need to do this ASAP. "Secrets" like this are the biggest barrier to keeping us all safe.

EllaB22 · 14/04/2022 19:29

Please report this - I know this will be very difficult but I think best in this awful situation.

lovescaca · 14/04/2022 19:30

Has she said why she doesn't want you to say anything? X

MzHz · 14/04/2022 19:32

Perhaps too this is the “best” resolution, perhaps others have been abused but pressured or felt powerless to do anything, you’re not invested in their family, you have the distance and power to get something done, perhaps your ex h wife needs you to help by reporting this

You need to speak to your dd and explain what needs to happen and then it gets reported to the police. I’d also let ex and his wife know it was going to be reported too, out of courtesy, but I’d report .

Summercally · 14/04/2022 19:32

Please report this, he may be abusing others who don’t have a voice yet. From experience this is when your parents have to step up and take action, if it doesn’t happen it leads to a lot more pain in the years to come.

MzHz · 14/04/2022 19:32

How will you feel if he does this to others?

Ballcactus · 14/04/2022 19:32

You know what you need to do.

Side note- how old is the grandparent and could dementia be involved? A good friends grandad came into her not knowing she was his granddaughter- pretty traumatic for everyone involved

Unsure33 · 14/04/2022 19:36

If you feel you can not betray her trust then perhaps she might need help with how to deal with situations like this if they are use in the future ( obviously not with this person as she won’t go there again)

Teach her to speak out and say something like . “ please don’t do that again it’s very inappropriate “

In front of other people .

gunnersgold · 14/04/2022 19:37

How old is he ? Is it possible he has dementia and got confused ? I am 100% not sticking up for him but just wondering
A similar thing happened to me and my parents brushed it under the carpet ; I never went near the relative again!

MadKittenWoman · 14/04/2022 19:40

We had a couple of family friends who lived across the road for many, many years. The husband used to call round every day late afternoon. We (my mother and I) used to sunbathe in the summer in our back garden. It started to become a pain. Once, when I was late teens / early 20s, my parents were away and I was looking after the house, he continued coming round every afternoon. Once, he hugged me and grabbed my breast. I pushed him off and acted as if nothing had happened and I didn't tell anyone. I just kept well away from him in the future. He died not long after, and although I know I should have called him out publicly, I don't think that would have helped his wife. She later died herself, probably blissfully unaware, but maybe not. I don't think he had access to any other young females, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Flowers.

Todaystopic · 14/04/2022 19:44

You’re letting her down if you do not address this. Trust me… she might be angry now, but in years to come she will be thinking

‘I didn’t know better and asked my mum to keep this secret and she did - but she shouldn’t of.’

Or

‘I asked my mum to keep this secret but because she loved and wanted to protect me, she couldn’t.’

You cannot NOT do anything with this one.

duskyspringfield · 14/04/2022 19:44

You need to do what’s BEST for your DD- that’s not the same as what she THINKS is best at the tender age of 16…

Iamtheweedonkey · 14/04/2022 19:56

This happened to us, my dd and my dad. Dd had been spending time with him, then got very quiet, moody, not wanting to go anymore. All came.out that he had been touching her bottom, stroking her arm and getting too close to her. I spoke to him, said that it's inappropriate, etc etc. He went ballistic saying she is a liar, he's not a pervert, how disgusted he is etc. He demanded that she apologise and so on. She has not, I've reduced contact completely. I only see him, if I have to. She only sees him if there is a family occasion (never at our house) he totally blanks her, refuses to acknowledge her presence.
I am truly disgusted by myself, the guilt that I put my dd in that position. He used to do it to me, so I know she is totally telling the truth.

Xpologog · 14/04/2022 20:03

I think you have to sit down with your daughter and say what step gf did was wrong —- she knows that.
Explain that he might do this to other girls, to a younger child who might not be able to express what happened.
For that reason you have to call out what he did.
Then it’s either report to the police, speak with other family, tell him you know what he did.
I can understand your daughter wanting to keep quiet, try to forget what happened, but unfortunately that’s how perverts get away with it.

OakRowan · 14/04/2022 20:08

@Iamtheweedonkey

This happened to us, my dd and my dad. Dd had been spending time with him, then got very quiet, moody, not wanting to go anymore. All came.out that he had been touching her bottom, stroking her arm and getting too close to her. I spoke to him, said that it's inappropriate, etc etc. He went ballistic saying she is a liar, he's not a pervert, how disgusted he is etc. He demanded that she apologise and so on. She has not, I've reduced contact completely. I only see him, if I have to. She only sees him if there is a family occasion (never at our house) he totally blanks her, refuses to acknowledge her presence. I am truly disgusted by myself, the guilt that I put my dd in that position. He used to do it to me, so I know she is totally telling the truth.
Oh thats awful for you @Iamtheweedonkey I really hope one day you find the strength to cut yourselves off completely, from someone who has sexually assaulted you and now your DD over your lifetime. Horrified that you still see him, that she still has to see him, that you are stuck in the loop of abuse within families that you don't feel able to protect yourselves better. It happens, it happened in our family too. I hope your DD doesn't know he abused you too, that you knew what he was like. Its a trap, abusive family members keep everyone prisoner. Neither of you should ever have to see him ever again, look after yourselves.
alltheteeshirts · 14/04/2022 20:15

I think this is one of those times where you have to be 'the bad guy causing a fuss' so your DD doesn't have to be. Even if she lashes out now, it's because she knows you'll understand and forgive her.

I agree with some of the others, it's quite likely she knew you'd have to do something deep down, even if she begged you not to tell.

This is going to be a difficult conversation to have, but you're your DD's protector. It's for her safety, and you take that seriously.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 14/04/2022 20:18

Speak to the man privately, explain that while he probably didn't mean any harm your daughter was upset by what he did absolutely don't say this apologistic rubbish.
The problem is your dd is 16, although stories like this make me wish we have an older age of consent. I have a 16yo dd myself, and agree that it needs to be addressed. Try not to push the issue with her too much though.

Iamtheweedonkey · 14/04/2022 20:19

It's truly pathetic, the fog, the guilt. I told my brother's and sils, sadly they have chosen to have him still very much in their and their daughters lives. He will never step foot in our house again, dd last saw him at Christmas at my dB, was never alone with him.
I know I let my dd down and failed to protect her, I stupidly and naively thought, as the only grandparent he would be a proper gd to her. Thankfully he's a very old man now, and will not be round for much longer.