Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

[Workinghardeveryday]

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

she is playing it down saying it’s not like he raped her or anything

That right there is the crux of the problem. I’ve spent three decades with that mantra stuck in my head, wondering why it even mattered, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t let it go and move past it.

It disrupts trust - he has taken away something very precious. We u derstand now that these people don’t stop at a quick fumble, that they’re testing the waters etc. But even without the context of more, this is a truly shitty thing to have happened to her.

Sorry - no advice. I begged my dm not to tell, mostly because I didn’t have the words for what had happened/not quite happened. Fuck men.

He doesn't deserve the title of step grandfather. He's just some pervy old bloke. Sorry I know that's not the point but still....

Anyway I think you need to gently explain to your daughter that if you do nothing, there will be an expectation that she will go there again. Her Dad will probably expect her to, what is she going to say? She absolutely cannot ever see this man again so she needs to understand it's not just about keeping quiet and hoping it will all go away.

I think you really need to tell her Dad at the very least. If he minimises it then she doesn't see him again either.

Going to the police might be a stretch too far for your daughter, there may be a lot of involvement and she will doubtless feel humiliated and embarrassed.

I was in a similar situation as a teen (it went further than what happened to your daughter). The police were involved, it was awful. The family broke apart over it and it was very traumatic. I'm not saying my parents were wrong to involve the police but it was very hard.

I wouldn't frame it in terms of 'think of the younger children'. That's putting a load of unfair pressure on her and also implying her own assault isn't serious enough on its own.

I think you should sit down with her and explain why you need to tell someone about it. Explain you want to protect her. Then report it.

You need to reassure her that what he did was unacceptable and, while you know she doesn't want to cause a fuss, he can't get away with it.

Give her options.

1. She talks to her dad
2. You talk to her dad
3. You go to the police forever

--4. You go and knock the shit out of the disgusting pervert -- Too many of us continued to suffer because our mothers didn't stand up for us. Please don't let her have to deal with this alone.

He is a disgusting pervert and if he did that to my daughter I would be telling her father, stepmother, step grandmother and if necessary the police. I can't believe you feel you have to keep silent just because she doesn't want to make a fuss. This is sexual assault and you need to leave her in no doubt about how seriously you're taking it. Stand up for your child FFS!

It is her decision and I wouldn't betray her trust, BUT I would try and gently persuade her.
Ultimately this is her choice.

Speak to the man privately, explain that while he probably didn't mean any harm your daughter was upset by what he did

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

@IdontWanna thank you for saying this. I was trying to think of ways to put it. Please please don't make her feel responsible for any other potential victims. I was made to feel so so guilty in my 20s when I confided to someone about my abuse and that I never reported it! I did tell my family and it was all hushed up and I havent been able to report him since being an adult. I wish my mum had taken that burden from me when I was younger and reported him for me as there was enough evidence!

I am so sorry this had happened to your daughter. She said its not like he raped her but that's the view sadly women have had to put up with for centuries. Grabbing her bottom is still abuse and not consensual. He chancing his arm seeing how far he can take this. You need to be brave and be her protector x

OP, I am really sorry that this happened. I think it might be better, to get the thread taken down, maybe screenshot the pages so you can read everything through and decide what to do.

I'm suggesting it in case it makes you or your daughter identifiable, should you decide to take things further and report him.

It's just a thought, obviously, and entirely up to you. I hope that you have someone you can discuss it with in real life.

I honestly don’t understand why you aren’t more mad at this, and are feeling ‘torn’. You’re daughter has just been sexually assaulted, what the fuck are you waiting for, an invitation from the Queen to assume your role as a responsible parent? This isn’t about you, it’s about your child and likely other children who need to be protected.

When I was a bit older than your daughter a friend of my parents made highly inappropriate comments to me.

I never told anyone, but looking back I wish I had. I suspect I won't have been the first, or last, and I wonder who else he preyed on. I can only hope he didn't cause anyone any lasting damage.

I wish I had said something or challenged him. It's too late now, and he has dementia.

OP I don't think you will help anyone if you let this go.

@Abaababa

I honestly don’t understand why you aren’t more mad at this, and are feeling ‘torn’. You’re daughter has just been sexually assaulted, what the fuck are you waiting for, an invitation from the Queen to assume your role as a responsible parent? This isn’t about you, it’s about your child and likely other children who need to be protected.

She's torn between doing what she wants /thinks is the right thing to do and taking her daughter's feeling and wishes into consideration. This only happened last night. It's raw and fresh. It's normal and OP is a good mother for trying to balance what she needs to do with what her daughter wants . This doesn't have to be sorted today. Not only do they need the time to breathe and process what happened, they have every right to do so and then move forward in the best way possible.

I’d respect her wishes but insist that she never visits the step grandparents again

I’m possibly being naive here but if you were to contact the police how strongly would they act on it? I’d assume they want a statement from her and by the sounds of it she wouldn’t comply. Technically in the eyes of the police she isn’t a child. And given OP didn’t witness the incident her witness statement wouldn’t be very strong. This would lead me to think straight to police isn’t the best call, given they would possibly do very little and it would show your daughter you don’t respect her wishes (I understand you’d have reason - but a 16 year old may not). If it was me I think I’d give her some time to settle a bit and talk to her again after a few days when it’s a bit less raw.

The police WOULD act on this if the DD wanted to press charges.

@Fraaahnces

The police WOULD act on this if the DD wanted to press charges.

Just as I see this quite a lot on here, while it's well meant advice this isn't true. There's no such thing as deciding to press charges or not - its up to the police to decide if there's a robust enough case to present to CPS who then decide based on the evidence provided to them whether or not to bring a charge.

It was a really important change to process that meant the onus of deciding whether or not to charge didn't fall on the victim as especially in cases of DV they were under such huge pressure from their abusers to not press charges.

That was meant to say There's no such thing as a victim deciding to press charges or not.

@Mahanii

If this were my daughter I'd bypass the dad/stepmum and call the police. He has sexually assaulted her. You have a responsibility and duty of care to report it. I am a safeguarding officer, kids always say they don't want you to tell anyone, yet when you do they are relieved.

Fuck the hand wringing, get on the phone. I promise your daughter will thank you in the end and WILL confide in you next time because she KNOWS you will do the right thing.

i agree with this. all the best OP.

it probably wouldn't occur to her, but who knows what he's done/doing to others.
these things do not come out of nowhere.
any decent man, it wouldn't cross his mind to behave like that.

Please ignore people telling you there’s no point in reporting him to the police or implying it.

He could have been reported in the past or could be in the future so her report matters,