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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

254 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:55

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

OP posts:
HopefulRose · 15/04/2022 01:27

Some men are so disgusting it is honestly so depressing. I'm dreading seeing my granddad tomorrow for this similar reason, all my life he has been nothing but creepy and perverted towards women making inappropriate comments about me and my appearance throughout my life and my teenage friends. I'm now in my thirties and no one has ever called him out (including me) it's like we're all afraid of him. Please do the right thing by your daughter, she'll thank you in the long run x

strrawberriesandcream · 15/04/2022 01:29

@Workinghardeveryday

I feel so torn. I really want to say something but my hands are tied. She doesn’t confide in me ever so I don’t know how I could betray her trust.

This man has 3 other grandchildren younger than my dd and sees a lot more of them. I feel like ringing their mother to let her know but I can’t even do that!

Your hands are not tied.

Tell your daughter you are sorry but you can't ignore what she said, not just for her but for other children he spends time with.

It's not acceptable and if this man is capable of doing worse than what he's already done he must be stopped.

alexdgr8 · 15/04/2022 01:33

HopefulRose, there's always a first time.
good luck.

Billylilly · 15/04/2022 06:31

You should seek advice from the police immediately. Your daughter is going to be an adult one day and she will wonder why you didn’t do more to protect her and the other children he is exposed to.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 15/04/2022 09:25

Thank you so much for all the advice.

Last night I decided to speak to her dad and stepmum.

I was really nice and explained everything that happened. The reaction I got wasn’t helpful at all. Exh was more annoyed that I had wasted an hour of his night. Stepmum was understandably shocked by it and I ended up feeling guilty for saying something.

She said that is just the way he says bye!! They totally played down the whole thing and made out dd was over reacting. He isn’t a pervert as they know him so well!!! Wtf.

We all agreed in the end not to say anything further but dd would never be alone with him and he would be ‘watched’ in future.

I feel like it has made things worse that I have spoken up. Worried dd will find out I have spoken to them. At the same time I had to do something.

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2022 09:29

God that is horrific. I'd bet anything he doesn't say goodbye to a man like that or his friends. Pervy old git.
Their reaction is completely out of order and I would be firmly pointing that out. Then I would be round his like a shot telling him if he ever touched up my DD again I'd be going to the police. Then she would never, ever see him again.
Is she still adamant she doesn't want it reporting? I'd support her choices I think, but I wouldn't be hiding it - if he telling the entire family what he'd done.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/04/2022 09:29

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

Wouldn't be welcome to the stepmum's dad's house? Good! That would be an ideal outcome. She may have said it in a spiteful way but if it means that your poor DD doesn't have to see that horrible old pervert again then that's ideal.

How disappointing her father went down the 'oh that's just what Nigel is like...' route instead of being livid his own daughter has been upset by a man inappropriately touching her body. I despair.

They won't listen to us until we are attacked in 'the right way' or hurt 'enough' to fulfil their threshold of what constitutes sexual assault.

As I say, surely if she 'isn't welcome' at the grandparents house then that's absolutely brilliant news?

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2022 09:30

Fwiw I had an uncle that was like that. He was very over the top and handsy from when I was 14 or so

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/04/2022 09:30

I'd bet anything he doesn't say goodbye to a man like that or his friends. Pervy old git.

100% this. I bet he hasn't jiggled your ex husband's arse has he? Or his mates down the pub? Vile.

HeatherShiver · 15/04/2022 09:38

A friends dad used to do this sort of thing when we were in our teens. None of us said anything. We were just embarrassed.
Turned out he'd been abusing my friend and others since she was four.
He did eventually go to prison but not for years.
Please report it.

Billylilly · 15/04/2022 09:39

Disgusting reaction by your daughters father. The fact that your daughter doesn’t usually confide in you, and she did this time means she knows what happened to her was far from okay. I am so over people making excuses for others unacceptable behaviour! Well done for speaking to them OP, I don’t know if this should be the end of it though.

SexiestDogWalker · 15/04/2022 09:45

Yeah, I bet she wouldn't be welcome there again, because perverts who test the waters with family members react BIG when they're called out by parents. Because DD has to be the bad one in the tale. Not the dirty old man grabbing and jiggling presumably everyone's arse if that's how he says goodbye?? Or is it just girls, I wonder? Hmm Has your EXH had his arse grabbed and jiggled by his father in law at every farewell? Stepmom thought that was normal? Just makes me wonder how long he's been grabbing his daughter's arse for and whether he did this with her friends when she was growing up.

ldontWanna · 15/04/2022 09:47

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you so much for all the advice.

Last night I decided to speak to her dad and stepmum.

I was really nice and explained everything that happened. The reaction I got wasn’t helpful at all. Exh was more annoyed that I had wasted an hour of his night. Stepmum was understandably shocked by it and I ended up feeling guilty for saying something.

She said that is just the way he says bye!! They totally played down the whole thing and made out dd was over reacting. He isn’t a pervert as they know him so well!!! Wtf.

We all agreed in the end not to say anything further but dd would never be alone with him and he would be ‘watched’ in future.

I feel like it has made things worse that I have spoken up. Worried dd will find out I have spoken to them. At the same time I had to do something.

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

If DD doesn't want to ,she doesn't have to see him ever again. Supervised or not. She has that right and that power. That also extends to any family gatherings at her dad's house.

As for her dad and stepmum, their reaction is awful but not surprising. Typical well it didn't happen, and if it did he didn't mean it,and if he meant it it wasn't that bad. We won't talk about it anymore anyways.

Support your daughter OP, listen to her, talk things through. Make sure she knows you believe her and you'll support her.

theDudesmummy · 15/04/2022 09:47

I still advise you to go to the police. And your DD should never go to his house again in any case.

SexiestDogWalker · 15/04/2022 09:50

Wonder if it would be worth reporting to the police and telling them that it was given out as an excuse that this is how the man says goodbye. Perhaps at minimum an officer could go and tell that household and your EXHs household that grabbing at arses although it's obvious it's likely to be exclusive to women's and giving them a stroke and squeeze while they're wrapped in your arms is not an appropriate way to say goodbye, ever. Might put the wind up him if he knows he's on the radar

TabithaTittlemouse · 15/04/2022 09:53

If her dad can’t keep her safe she shouldn’t be going to her dads.
You did the right thing.

MzHz · 15/04/2022 10:01

@TabithaTittlemouse

If her dad can’t keep her safe she shouldn’t be going to her dads. You did the right thing.
That’s a bit much

If he doesn’t know, why would he think anything other than it being ok to take his dd to his dw family?

He has to know and so does his dw in order to be able to protect his dd and any others

This does need to be reported

bunfighters · 15/04/2022 10:05

You need to report this. It is highly likely that he was 'testing' your daughter and she was very brave to tell you. However, this means that he is also highly likely to be 'testing' or even abusing other children who may not be able to communicate what is happening to them (especially in a family which is happy to explain away what is happening). Please report for their sakes.

comfortablyfrumpy · 15/04/2022 10:09

@TabithaTittlemouse

If her dad can’t keep her safe she shouldn’t be going to her dads. You did the right thing.
I have been wondering what I would do.

OP I think you did thd right thing.

However, the reaction you got was not good, though unsurprising.

I am concerned that your Ex and his partner have minimised this. If he can't see this for what it is, then how can your Ex keep your daughter safe?
Stepmum's reaction was nasty. I will be surprised if she doesn't know this is how he is.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/04/2022 10:09

@MzHz

I think that poster was saying he can't act to keep her appropriately safe based on his reaction to being told, as described in OP's later posts.

comfortablyfrumpy · 15/04/2022 10:10

I think it would be worth calling NSPCC for advice on what you can do next?

Tillsforthrills · 15/04/2022 10:12

OP you really need to find a backbone ASAP.

No matter who says what, your daughter was sexually assaulted. I’ve read family perpetrators are common because they feed off the “oh but it’ll make everything so awkward for the family!”

The fact that you feel like maybe you shouldn’t have spoken up due to their reaction and that you’d even allow her in his presence again is beyond shocking to me.

Hoplesscynic · 15/04/2022 10:15

Absolutely horrible. How is her own dad not angry at this? And stepmums reaction also weird. If anyone told me this about my dad, I'd be straight to him confronting him. You say she was Shocked but was she? That's how he was and he means nothing by it, is that what this stupid woman said to you?
Entirely unacceptable. Even if you didn't challenge them at the time, you can do so now OP - by a message/phone call/visit in person, using the exact words SEXUAL ASSAULT, POLICE, CREEP, CRIMINAL BEHAVIOUR. Wake them up! And Tell them since they've brushed it off, you'd be dealing with this yourself - that your DD will never set foot at that Perv's house again and you are contacting the police now.
Don't try to be nice, downplay or sugar coat anything for their sake. And don't let them dictate anything, it's not up to them to decide that "it wasn't a big deal". Arseholes, both of them.

AnneShirleysNewDress · 15/04/2022 10:17

What an awful (but sadly unsurprising) response from her father and SM. I hope your daughter is ok.

TabithaTittlemouse · 15/04/2022 10:42

@MzHz
Would you be able to trust that he would keep her safe if his reaction was that op was wasting his time?