Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

[Workinghardeveryday]

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

@Monty27

Yes that’s so unhelpful!

You did the right thing. I would speak to your daughter and explain that you had to say something, as this is a way that predators test their victims and next time he could go further. Also, not just for her sake but for the sake of the other children he comes in contact with. That we must always speak up because otherwise they get away with it and that there are some adults like her father and step mother who don't deal with it appropriately.

I'd tell her that she doesn't have to spend any time with him, that the choice is hers.

Makes me feel sick the attitude of her dad and step mum!!

Whilst the reaction of your daughter’s dad and Step Mum is alarming, what they are doing is imagining the inevitable reaction of step grandad if he was challenged.

He would act, get angry, deny, lash out, threaten to cut contact. Create doubt. He may be quite convincing.

They are right to identify this and prepare you and your daughter for it. What they’re failing to do is accept that his actions are so deplorable that it may change the family dynamic for good.

They’ve quickly assessed the situation and by pointing out “is that what you want, as that’s what will happen” it’s made you doubt whether a full on confrontation is the best route.

In your shoes, I’d show your daughter this thread. She’d see the almost unanimous advice offered and that the reaction of her own father is lacking, and also what could happen next if you do nothing.

Sadly for the wider family to admit this to themselves and for him to be stopped, he’d have to be caught doing something more sinister again, and possibly even on film. I’m not suggesting for one minute you encourage some elaborate sting with an iPhone camera as that could put her in harm’s way, however without these pieces of the jigsaw, people will either sit on the fence or take his side, not yours/hers.

Personally I’d be round there and he’d be on the floor with me in his face very aggressively threatening him that I knew what he was and if he ever touches her or any child again he’ll regret it, despite my points above.

I feel sick to my stomach reading this. You absolutely should go and report this to the Police. You're her mother, it's YOUR responsibility to protect her. You're just letting the dirty old pervert get away with sexually abusing your child. Get a spine

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@Monty27

Yes that’s so unhelpful![/quote]
It’s true though. Maybe by acknowledging that the OP will realise and do something more constructive like many other posters have suggested

I think Pinkyxx makes a good point - I believe years they thought that young children would just forget about it as they got older. I know in my own case for years I thought I had actually dreamt it - I was over 20 when I realised it had actually happened.

*years ago

@Monty27

There are situations where parents, people in authority must betray trust temporarily when it comes to young people or people in danger.

You are unhelpful and very unwise.

That’s true, however, her DD should have been made aware OP was escalating the situation. Instead she has promised to keep it quiet and op has not stuck to that.
This is precisely why when a child makes a disclosure at school we have to tell them that we cannot keep their disclosure a secret. It must be shared to the appropriate people to keep them safe.

My reply was for @Tillsforthrills

@Tillsforthrills not before it was discussed with the daughter who is after all 16. And DM letting her know her intentions.

Thank you all for the good advice.

I am wracked with guilt for saying something. I really don’t want dd16 to find out. She wouldn’t understand and see the bigger picture at all. I have tried explaining.

Her dad and stepmums attitude is dreadful. I can to a point understand hers, but exh response was awful. Obvious he thinks it’s been twisted into something it isn’t. Was extremely defensive and tbh a right arse to me. All the while I was nice and even apologetic for having to bring it up! Can’t believe I was so nice, what a pushover I really am.

It was all about how the information had made them feel, they had enough problems at the minute etc.

What a pair they really are, very old fashioned in their views that these things are just ‘friendly’

This outcome is the absolute worst possible for your daughter OP.

The worst possible.

You have broken her trust to people who have dismissed you and her.
Unbelievable.

The decision to take action was correct but not to her arse of a father and his wife.

This is a police matter.

I can see what @Monty27 means, you broke her trust, and for what, in her eyes, as it's likely they will say something to her and dismiss her.

You are a pushover I'm afraid.

This is a police matter, it is that simple.

Yes adults sometimes have to break a confidence because something is too serious.

You have broken her confidence for nothing, to be dismissed.

Just awful.

Your poor daughter.

He is a sexual predator.
It is that simple.

This is a police matter.

@workinghardeveryday With the greatest of respect you're focusing on the wrong thing: your guilt. What your ex thinks is irrelevant. You must tell your DD that you've told him and frame this in the context of not addressing it not being an option. If she does not agree to you reporting what happened then you must be the adult and do it. If I were in your shoes I would tell my daughter that I'd reflected and while I respect how she feels, I was wrong to tell her I would drop it, I have a duty to keep her safe therefore I will be reporting this to the police as my priority is to keep her safe. We can either do it together or I will do it myself. Doing nothing is not an option. She may be 16 but she is a child.

Trust that she will understand in time, it is not that she can't, it is that right now she doesn't want to. Her boundaries were violated and it is (right now) safer to her to push that away & take comfort in denial. Please understand doing this is not without consequences, long standing consequences. She needs help to get through this. If you cannot face doing this yourself, I suggest you notify her school of what happened, as they will take the necessary steps.

I wish someone had done this for me all those decades ago. Instead I grew up with misconceived boundaries & no understanding of what was acceptable which led to my being abused by multiple men over decades. It took years of therapy for me to even recognize I'd been raped & abused multiple times.

I think now the ONLY option is to go to the police.

Because you’ve told your ex and his wife and they’re incredibly making it all about themselves, the only way of getting this taken seriously is to get the police to do so.

Call NSPCC for advice and then get the police involved

Your dd is clearly not going to be safe from this predator if the ex and his dw don’t believe or don’t want to believe that she’s been groped by a pervert

You need to stop looking inwards (guilt) and look outward. You have a responsibility to your daughter and wider society to act.

Your ex is a dick. It really doesn't matter if his FIL's motives are innocent (maybe bum jiggling is how some people say goodbye ) but his daughter is not comfortable with it and that's all that matters. No girl should have to accept being touched in a way that she doesn't want to be polite/nice/kind/whatever to an old man.

It's really common that families react like this once abuse/assault is disclosed, its what abusers rely on, the family ties and being protected, the loyalty from their adult children.
Once we told my mum as kids what was happening with my granddad we were called liars, then my mum got blamed for leaving us there with him because they then said well if you thought he was a wrong un you shouldn't leave your kids with him, acknowledging that he was a dirty old peadophile, (who did the same to his own kids and hurt his wife) but still blaming us for causing his behaviour. All the minimising and gaslighting and blame defending him.
That hurt us, what hurt more was that my parents never pursued it, they left us as kids to deal with it alone, the consequences, swept under, never mentioned again. Your DD needs you to report it for her as the responsible adult.
OP they won't be on your side, his family, or DD's, let that expectation go, they have their own complex relationship with the truth, especially the stepmum/his own daughter and what makes their own lives comfortable and easier, they won't help you, or protect your DD. Oh that's just what he's like is their solution and its wrong.
The only people you should speak to now are the police. Otherwise you are leaving your DD to it, to live with it alone for the rest of her life, her knowing you did nothing about it to help her.

This is sexual assault and your daughter is more than entitled to call the police and report him.

@Workinghardeveryday there is probably a reason your DD came to you and not her Dad. Children are programmed to read their parents as a survival mechanism. A lot of children don’t tell about abuse because deep down they know their parents won’t deal with it. As children we need to believe our world is safe and our parents protect us so as a defence mechanism when we know our parents won’t face up to it we create a story to defend the parent that does that and we internalise our wrongness instead. Your ex is a coward without integrity and your DD knows that about him deep down so she didn’t tell him.

But there is something about your character that she sees differently. She believes something different about you, that you will react to protect her. That is why she chose you and not him to say it too. Get external advice from RSPCC or someone not emotionally involved and take it from there. Then have many, many proper conversations with your DD about it.

She wasn’t wrong about her Dad and I already don’t think she is wrong about you. You are already reacting.

I think @oliviastwisted is bang on right! It shows she trusts you to help her OP

As children we need to believe our world is safe and our parents protect us so as a defence mechanism when we know our parents won’t face up to it we create a story to defend the parent that does that and we internalise our wrongness instead.

Never a truer word spoken.

So, are you not going to do anything more about it? Do you really think her dad and stepmom are not going to bring it up at some point?

The Father and step Mother will bring it up, it is inevitable they do.

When they do will attempt to shame & gaslight her as to do so is absolutely necessary to justifying & sustaining their despicable stance. OP's DD will then be angry with her as she can't challenge her Father's stance (allowing Father + step mother to blame OP). This will push OP and her DD apart, ensuring OP's DD never gets help. Perfect strategy to protect the perpetrator and hang the victim out to dry.

This is how abuse works. Abusers rely on people reacting this way. It's how and why they get away with it in plain sight.

Don't let this pass, what ever the fall out happens as a result of it. This is how abusers have historically got away with it. Especially as there are other children to consider....no question about it, if they don't take you seriously and attempt to play it down tell them you're informing the police.