Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

254 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:55

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

OP posts:
pilates · 14/04/2022 16:55

My DD would not be going there again, ever, and if Ex asked why I would tell him.

chisanunian · 14/04/2022 16:56

This won't be the first time he's done something like this, and if he isn't stopped it won't be the last.

Please do what people are suggesting and go straight to the police.

Mahanii · 14/04/2022 16:56

And what if dad downplays to keep the peace? This is why I would go straight to police.

Aged 26 I had my bum groped by my stepdad, in front of my whole family. Nobody said anything. My relationship with my mum is now non existent.

2bazookas · 14/04/2022 17:04

You have to explain to her that sex abuse is one of those times when secrets can't be kept. Keeping silent could leave weaker girls, children, at risk of worse treatment from him..

She's becoming a woman, and this is how strong independent feisty women learn how to deal with unwanted advances from creeps and predators. Letting men get away with it is NOT how we do it.

So, her Dad needs to be told, and so does his partner .

Reiterate that no shame or blame attaches to DD; that's just the way the creep wanted her to feel so that she won't tell. So stand tall, be proud, and hand all the embarassment blame and shame right back to him with knobs on. That's where it belongs.

GrumpyPanda · 14/04/2022 17:05

@Whatwouldnanado

Stick up for your daughter, reassure her you won't make a fuss to cause future embarrassment. Speak to the man privately, explain that while he probably didn't mean any harm your daughter was upset by what he did, never to do it again to any female in the family and if he speaks to her or anyone else about it you will report him.
Are you fucking joking?! He "didn't mean any harm" in sexually assaulting a minor?! This, right here, is why creeps merrily go on being creeps.

Personally I'm also inclined towards reporting to police.

Tillsforthrills · 14/04/2022 17:08

He is a predator and will do this to other children. I think you and people on this thread are being way too lenient!!

Police, ASAP. Your daughter was sexually assaulted.

Tillsforthrills · 14/04/2022 17:13

This was pre mediated, imagine his thoughts about your daughter before he did this. She trusted she was with family.

This has made me angry because why oh why should he get away with it. He’s vile.

Viviennemary · 14/04/2022 17:14

If he gets away with this no saying what it coukd escalate to. I would tell everyone concerned.

imasurvivor2 · 14/04/2022 17:16

Pls talk to nspcc for advice I begged my mum to keep it quiet too but wish she hadn't. It's destroyed me for years. Although it may not feel the right thing to do to break her trust now, I am sure she'll appreciate it when she's older and understands you're hopefully stopping it from happening to someone else.

StopStartStop · 14/04/2022 17:16

Talk to your dd again and tell her you have no choice but to tell. Then go to the police and NSPCC. Don't keep it in the family and allow it to be hushed up. Your daughter shouldn't have to see that man again, and the younger children need protecting.

NowNowDermot · 14/04/2022 17:17

I think this might be one of those times when you have to explain to DD that sometimes it's up to you as a parent to take the weight of a decision off her shoulders and do what's necessary to protect her. Explain that you can't protect her if no one knows what happened and that sometimes being brave and speaking up is the only way to deal with a situation, even if it's hard.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/04/2022 17:17

My dad used to do this to me.

I’m still really torn up over it.

Never told anyone this before.

Protect your daughter. Please.

imasurvivor2 · 14/04/2022 17:17

And if you report, you're standing up for her and have her best interests at heart. She will see you're protecting her.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/04/2022 17:21

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

My dad used to do this to me.

I’m still really torn up over it.

Never told anyone this before.

Protect your daughter. Please.

Flowers
ldontWanna · 14/04/2022 17:22

Talk to her. Tell her none of this is her fault ,it's not her shame or guilt to carry. Nothing she did ,nothing about it who she is warranted this. It's all about him. His fault.

Tell her how much you're struggling to keep quiet and why. You want to protect and help her and others. This does not have to be shoved under the carpet or shrugged off.

Feel her out,see what she says. Try to get her to see where you are coming from.

The posters insisting you should call the police are talking nonsense. There's fuck all they can do if she denies it or refuses to cooperate, which is very likely to happen if you spring this on her.

Ask her what does she need to happen, what does she want to do next,how does she want it dealt with.

Neverendingmindfuck · 14/04/2022 17:26

I was in your daughters situation at a similar age in a similar scenario.
I confided in someone and asked them not to tell my parent. They did.
The initial outfall was awful but only because of the way it was handled.
Imo you have to share this with her dad. But please tell her why. Unless she will do it herself.
I hope your daughter gets the support she needs, and that you feel supported too.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/04/2022 17:29

When I was the same age as your daughter a member of my step mums family squeezed my bum 'as a joke' as I walk by at a family party.

I didn't want to cause a fuss but did instinctively mention it to my Dad straight after because I didn't like it (obviously!). He laughed it off as 'that's just what he's like, doesn't mean any harm'.

Over 20 years later and it still bothers me! Your daughter won't want to 'cause trouble' (she won't be) but will also worry that it will be downplayed.

She told you because it upset her, take control of the situation and act on it. Better for her to be possibly a bit annoyed now that you've passed on what she's told you (but not necessarily - she's more likely to be relieved) than 20 years down the line wondering why it was brushed under the carpet.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/04/2022 17:33

@Neverendingmindfuck

I was in your daughters situation at a similar age in a similar scenario. I confided in someone and asked them not to tell my parent. They did. The initial outfall was awful but only because of the way it was handled. Imo you have to share this with her dad. But please tell her why. Unless she will do it herself. I hope your daughter gets the support she needs, and that you feel supported too.
I'm sorry you went through that Flowers

I should have added, as @Neverendingmindfuck has pointed out, definitely tell your daughter before you take any action and explain why. It is sexual assault and unless things like this are dealt with, people will continue to do it and get away with it.

EarlyStarters · 14/04/2022 17:35

Straight to the police with this one.

But absolutely explain to your daughter you're going to do it and why.

That she was super brave to tell you, how grateful you are that she was open, that you know going to the police feels like turning it into an even worse deal than it is. But that to protect her and other girls in her position that it is the 100% right thing to do any time a disgusting pervert like him thinks he can get away with something.

Orgasmagorical · 14/04/2022 17:39

@Whatwouldnanado

Stick up for your daughter, reassure her you won't make a fuss to cause future embarrassment. Speak to the man privately, explain that while he probably didn't mean any harm your daughter was upset by what he did, never to do it again to any female in the family and if he speaks to her or anyone else about it you will report him.
I strongly disagree with this.
Comedycook · 14/04/2022 17:41

I'd call the police and wouldn't think twice about doing so. Why are you debating this?

TheMoreYouKnow · 14/04/2022 17:47

You've got to explain to her that its not only protecting her but other children too. She needs to know that you have to tell someone and that other children could currently being abused by him. Their safety overrides her embarrassment. She needs to know that he is in the wrong not her. Going by what I know of current safeguarding education in schools she will undoubtedly be aware of all this as they constantly drum it into pupils. Ask how she'd feel if years later she found out someone had been abused and she could've prevented it by not speaking out. You can't leave this OP. Imagine if she were one of the others and no one spoke out. Explain about grooming. I suspected one of my dcs tutors as was suggesting a trip to an event, just them. She reacted exactly the same way, that she hadn't been raped. Luckily it was nothing but the awareness was brought to the fore. Nothing should be brushed under the carpet.

ldontWanna · 14/04/2022 17:47

@Comedycook

I'd call the police and wouldn't think twice about doing so. Why are you debating this?
And when your daughter turns around and says it never happened/you misunderstood ,then what?
Sleephead1 · 14/04/2022 17:49

I will be honest when I was assaulted at 17 I didn’t tell my parents as I knew they would ring the police and I didn’t want that to happen. I knew I didn’t want to report it then and I still feel the same now. My feelings on it have not changed. I know they would be devastated I didn’t tell them but I knew they would go against my wishes and I have always known I wouldn’t report it. It’s very difficult and I truthfully don’t know what I would do, I hope your daughter is ok

theDudesmummy · 14/04/2022 17:50

Another strong vote for going to the police, however hard it seems. I work with adults who have experienced all "levels" of sexual abuse as children. This should be reported to the police. That validates her experience and the fact that it is a serious issue. It models the non-acceptance of abuse, which will help her to process it functionally in the longer term. It also protects her from further situations, not just with this abuser but with others, as she will be more empowered to speak up and less coerced into the female role of making everything OK and comfortable for others. It also potentially protects other children his man has contact with, and it sends a wider message that this is abuse and not OK. Please do it. He is not going to end up being prosecuted (unless there are more accounts to come out of course, which there may be), but it is just one more step in the fight against the normalisation of abuse of women and children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread