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Original poster

Husband and I having different views on him not working

229 replies

coffy11 · 12/04/2022 02:22

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

OP posts:
ErinAoife · 12/04/2022 02:27

How old is he? Are the kids raised and all left the home?

Original poster
coffy11 · 12/04/2022 02:32

He's mid 50's. 3 kids late teens, 2 still living at home. The thing is financially we don't need the money even though we have a largish mortgage, we'll probably downsize when the kids all move out.

I think for me it's just that I don't feel like we're a partnership if that makes sense. He does a lot of the home stuff so that's not the issue. So why am i so annoyed?

OP posts:
Grimsknee · 12/04/2022 02:33

How old are you both?
I'm not in this situation so this is general advice. Resentment is one of the biggest relationship-killers so you do need to resolve this. I totally agree with you that it isn't fair for him to unilaterally decide to "semi-retire" (if he's not working or looking for work, how is that not full retirement?) and assume you'll support him financially. You could get ill/injured, or you could decide you'd like to reduce your hours - what would happen in that case?
Sounds like there is something behind your resentment... as a SAHD did he do the same amount of work (i.e., most of it) that a SAHM would? What does he contribute to the relationship now in terms of workload?

Grimsknee · 12/04/2022 02:35

Mid 50s is very young to retire. What does he plan to do for the next 20 or 30 years? Sounds incredibly boring! I agree it doesn't sound much of a partnership.

thenewduchessoflapland · 12/04/2022 02:37

He could work in a call centre;you don't usually need any experience for that as they usually have a comprehensive training plan and it won't affect his physical health;we actually had a couple of staff in wheelchairs working at where I used to work.

As for his anxiety;is he actually seeking help with that?;medications eg anti depressants/counselling.

He still has at least 10 years before he reaches retirement age.

The kids aren't dependent on him;there's no excuse other than he just doesn't want to really

Original poster
coffy11 · 12/04/2022 02:39

I think you're right Grimsknee, I think there is a lot of resentment there that's accumulated over the years because of his anxiety and the way he overreacts to things that the kids say and the arguments he causes with them so maybe this retirement issue alone isn't a big thing on it's own but rather it's the thing that's broken me?

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 12/04/2022 02:41

Also FIL was made redundant from a job he'd been at for 20 years at the age of 63;he had about 18 months until retirement;he found a job in a hospital post room as a delivery person.

Original poster
coffy11 · 12/04/2022 02:42

@thenewduchessoflapland

He could work in a call centre;you don't usually need any experience for that as they usually have a comprehensive training plan and it won't affect his physical health;we actually had a couple of staff in wheelchairs working at where I used to work.

As for his anxiety;is he actually seeking help with that?;medications eg anti depressants/counselling.

He still has at least 10 years before he reaches retirement age.

The kids aren't dependent on him;there's no excuse other than he just doesn't want to really

That's what I think it keeps coming back to for me, he doesn't want to look, he's quite happy as is
OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 12/04/2022 02:44

Does he do the housework/laundry/cooking/shopping/general life admin?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2022 02:46

Does he have any passions generally?

Original poster
coffy11 · 12/04/2022 02:48

@thenewduchessoflapland

Does he do the housework/laundry/cooking/shopping/general life admin?
Yes he does all that (well most of it).
OP posts:
Grimsknee · 12/04/2022 03:03

How much of it is most of it? With children that are almost adults, and no paid work, shouldn't he be doing all of it?
I'm sensing the other big relationship-killer, contempt....

moonbedazzled · 12/04/2022 03:15

I'm a bit like your husband. Children gone. I was working PT but VR was offered so I took it. But obviously I talked it over with my partner first. He agreed as long as I did all the domestic stuff and sorted out issues with our parents so we could have quality time on his time off. He does do the garden, the cars and the garage. Honestly, if I actually did all the stuff I'd agreed to do, I think he'd be onto a good thing.
I mean if you love working and he loves being at home and you can afford it, what's the problem?

lady725516 · 12/04/2022 03:16

If he won't work could he volunteer for a few hours a week?
Hospitals always need help

balzamico · 12/04/2022 03:21

I'm not dissimilar to your husband except that I haven't worked since having the kids (now teens).
I don't plan to go back to work, we don't need the money and my career is long gone. I don't feel that any of us would benefit if I took a low paid job for the sake of it.

I do practically everything household-wise (& rightly so), the key difference for us is that dh and I have discussed it regularly (as it hasn't always been easy on either of us at different times for different reasons).

Borracha · 12/04/2022 03:31

This would bother me for two reasons:

  • The assumption that he can just decide not to work. What would happen if you decided the same? Why should you carry all the burden/responsibility for providing financially?
  • His lack of drive and ambition. I’m not saying everyone has to want a glittering career but unless he has a hobby that he is wildly passionate about, I would find his apathy a real turn off.
Soupercat · 12/04/2022 03:40

Wtaf does he do all day though

Soupercat · 12/04/2022 03:42

Also. Isn’t he a bit boring? I don’t get people who don’t work - women or men

Ponderingwindow · 12/04/2022 03:44

The thing rarely talked about with most physical jobs is that people often can’t keep doing them until typical retirement age. It’s one of the reasons that the relatively new day entry, decent wage trades can actually be quite risky when looked at over lifetime earnings

He is leaving himself in a very precarious position by not having a way to earn. I would have no sympathy for him and complete sympathy for op, except that relying on him to be a SAHD means he never had the opportunity train or to develop a career that wouldn’t be as physically demanding. Lots of women find themselves in this position. The small jobs they worked around the kids and without much education just can’t be done as they age.

Op, I also understand your resentment. These should be joint decisions. He likely needs to try to find something more sedentary. That may involve some training or education. At his age, he shouldn’t take on a substantial degree, but if he needs to take a course for a few months that would be reasonable.

Midlifemusings · 12/04/2022 04:00

You will find there are lots of SAHMs who don't go back to work when their kids star tto get older. His situation isn't abnormal at all. They have been out of the workforce for years and if finances aren't an issue - then their comfort zone is being at home managing the house and being chauffer and cook and cleaner and whatever the kids need.

Usually when a SAHM goes back it is either because she wants to or because there is a financial need. You don't hear of many going back just because their husband wants them to even though they don't need the money. Often the pay off for going back to work isn't worth it in that situation. It doesn't add much to the overall pot and it means that all the work that the SAHP used to do now has to be done by both parties on evenings and weekends and it is far more rushed and complicated getting the kids where they need to be.

Bancha · 12/04/2022 06:48

Being a SAHP involves one parent sacrificing their career and financial security to raise the children and run the home. The other parent provides financially and doesn’t do much else. It sounds like he upheld his end of the deal and that you’ve been quite happy with the situation while it has worked well for you.

I feel quite sorry for him, to be honest. He’s in his 50s with nothing to put on a CV, and you don’t need the money. Realistically, who is going to employ him? It sounds pretty humiliating to me, to be expected to do low paid, menial work because you have decided that he’s served his purpose at home.

I’m wondering if there is something here about sex stereotypes and your ideas of what a man should do?

YRGAM · 12/04/2022 06:56

@Bancha

Being a SAHP involves one parent sacrificing their career and financial security to raise the children and run the home. The other parent provides financially and doesn’t do much else. It sounds like he upheld his end of the deal and that you’ve been quite happy with the situation while it has worked well for you.

I feel quite sorry for him, to be honest. He’s in his 50s with nothing to put on a CV, and you don’t need the money. Realistically, who is going to employ him? It sounds pretty humiliating to me, to be expected to do low paid, menial work because you have decided that he’s served his purpose at home.

I’m wondering if there is something here about sex stereotypes and your ideas of what a man should do?

I agree with this. As a society we are not really going to get anywhere if men who take up non-traditional gender roles are going to find themselves criticised for it by their own partners.

I know OP can't help how she feels but it's extremely frustrating to read posts like this

GOODCAT · 12/04/2022 07:03

I feel for you OP. I am also the main earner. My husband works and wants to retire early.

Although I sympathise with him wanting to do so, I would have to keep him until he got to state retirement age and I don't want to be solely responsible for our income. I also don't see why I should keep him when he is able to work. As a result he is still working.

One not working has to be mutually agreed.

Simonjt · 12/04/2022 07:10

@Bancha

Being a SAHP involves one parent sacrificing their career and financial security to raise the children and run the home. The other parent provides financially and doesn’t do much else. It sounds like he upheld his end of the deal and that you’ve been quite happy with the situation while it has worked well for you.

I feel quite sorry for him, to be honest. He’s in his 50s with nothing to put on a CV, and you don’t need the money. Realistically, who is going to employ him? It sounds pretty humiliating to me, to be expected to do low paid, menial work because you have decided that he’s served his purpose at home.

I’m wondering if there is something here about sex stereotypes and your ideas of what a man should do?

This.

Plus him doing most of the household chores essentially has a monetary value, as otherwise you would either be doing 50% of it or paying for someone to do it.

Resentment, with three children he will have saved the family thousands of pounds each year on childcare.

2DogsOnMySofa · 12/04/2022 07:27

I'm sure most of us would love to semi retire in our 50s.

The thing that would really bother me, if I was in your shoes (I'm also the larger earner), is that, by him not working, he's taking away your option to retire earlier, or go part time. That's simply not fair! If he worked now, he'd put you both in a position to go part time later down the line, or even retire early. However with him not working, and retiring early, means you can't.