Husband and I having different views on him not working

[coffy11]

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

His gender isn't relevant. Whether male or female, one member of the partnership doesn't get to opt out of working without discussion with the other.

Yes he was a SAHP, by agreeement, and that suited both parties. But now the children are older and a SAHP is no longer required, that's the time people usually re-evaluate as a couple surely? Not one person deciding they're done now. As Op said, can she unilaterally decide not to work any more?

The families I know, if there's been a SAHP or PT paid work parent, once the children have got to secondary school, they have gone back to FT work. If money is no object, and they agree to stay at home doing all the housework / shopping / gardening etc, so they can both enjoy week ends 'off' that's great. But it should be a joint decision.

OP's DH has made a decision without reference to her, which could mean she has to work for longer.

*If they both agree for one to stay at home....

@TedMullins that’s more reasonable, though I do think people have value beyond paid work and if both people are happy it’s their own business.

It may not be what you really meant, but this is what you said that I took offence at:
“personally I fundamentally do not respect women who refuse to work once children are school age, especially teens or adults. If my own mum had done this I wouldn’t respect her”

@coffy11

He's mid 50's. 3 kids late teens, 2 still living at home. The thing is financially we don't need the money even though we have a largish mortgage, we'll probably downsize when the kids all move out.

I think for me it's just that I don't feel like we're a partnership if that makes sense. He does a lot of the home stuff so that's not the issue. So why am i so annoyed?

Everyone is different... but I'd be resentful too tbh and i wouldnt have respect / time for this.

Unfortunately, this has gone on a long long time.
At this point its unlikely he will change and if you go for divorce he will get a significant portion of assets.

Not sure what the answer is but its a tricky issue

His health issues might be a factor here, hard to know from brief post obviously. Having certain kinds of health issues can make you feel older and struggle with that. Maybe the cut and thrust of the big wide world is not so easy for him too. Also, lots of people would like to retire early! Maybe he’s a bit exhausted after running the home and children too and wants more me time/us time? Maybe he has some voluntary things he would like to pursue?

I can see that it would be nice if he made some financial contribution to the household, but ultimately you will have to have a full and frank conversation about this, maybe several, as this is how you may both be living for foreseeable future.

@FlorhamPark

How are all of these people who don't work, male or female, funding their retirements?

Private pensions, savings, inheritance and I'm sure some of them are just relying on their partners.

This is the issue with being or having a SAHP - you can't expect them to build up the same level of pension, savings and workplace skills as someone who is (or has been) working full time.

OP was more than happy for him to sacrifice all the above when it suited her, but now the children are older he's in the difficult (but relatively common) position of having no experience or skills in the workplace coupled with poor health.

He will struggle to do much of anything in terms of work unfortunately- very few places will hire a 55 year old that's in poor health with no recent experience on their CV.

This is something that should have been considered and planned for when they both agree he should stay home over 15 years ago.

@FlorhamPark

How are all of these people who don't work, male or female, funding their retirements?

The working parent should have been making funds available for the non-working parent to pay into a private pension.

@Simonjt oh yes, l completely agree. It is only fair

Loads of women do this. Basically refuse to work after being a sahm and expect their partner to continue working themselves into an early grave.
I know if some quite creative excuses women have given for not being "able" to work.

Volunteering can be a good way to build confidence and skills in someone who has been out of paid work for ages.

@Neverreturntoathread

This situation - one partner works, the other is sahp, then as the kids age the working partner has high income and the sahp has much less to do but has become unemployable except for crap jobs or looooong and expensive retraining - is quite common.

Recognise that if he is doing more housework and family admin than you, your DP is already making a financial contribution. If he was just lying around while you paid for a chef, cleaner, laundrette, and driver, that’d be different, but it doesn’t sound like he is.

Recognise also that your career was in part built on his contribution at home. If you’d been doing your 50% of the childcare, cooking, and housework, throughout all the toddler night wakings and school holidays, you would never have achieved the income you have now: your contributions and performance st work would have been much lower. It is family income, achieved by both of you. It is not just yours. You are taking all the credit for your current income but that isn’t fair.

His self-esteem will be very low, he may even be depressed, and this does not lend itself to enthusiastic job-hunting.

Remember also that you should have both discussed this more clearly when he became a sahp.

I suggest the first step is marriage counselling to help you recognise the contribution he is making now, and to focus his mind on what he wants from the future.

I do think it’s sad that your income is now so high that it can afford to support all of you, but you want him to take menial jobs like cleaning. I don’t believe that if he got a job you would suddenly start doing 50% of all the housework, and I don’t think him being a cleaner or whatever would cause you to respect him more.

The real problem here - and again its very common - is that you’ve grown apart. You travel around meeting people and feeling important and mixing with high-earning men while you DH stays at home doing the same old drudgery, and you simply don’t have much in common. Work on that. Do some of the drudgery and let your DP find a passion of his own, which may or may not be paid, and you’ll have more in common.

But to expect a sahp in his mid fifties to take on menial jobs when the family doesn’t need the money, in order to earn your respect, is not cool. Mid fifties is not an unusual retirement age and was standard for my parents generation, some pensions still start at 55.

This is such a good post. Some excellent and valid points there.

He can’t be dependent on you to provide a house, food, heating, electric etc. for him if you don’t consent to that.
How does this marriage enhance your life?

I’d love to not work, and sit on my arse all day. Fancy having another dependent, OP?

Can he still be called a ‘stay at home parent’ when the ‘kids’ are late teens and one has moved out? It it not just a ‘stay at home.’ then?

I can see why you'd grow apart, it doesn't seem like he is that passionate about anything at all which I would find off-putting. Fine if he can't get a great career but he should at least be dedicating himself to something, even if it's something like charity work that doesn't bring in an income. Otherwise realistically he's going to get a bit boring! And I'd say the same if you were both retired.

I am not sure why people suggest counselling.. You have a parasite at home and you need to address it. I feel you are too subtle with him. He doesn't look after children now and he doesn't work. You are not happy with that and you should let him know you are not happy. Tell him he needs to contribute and there are plenty of jobs that don't require any qualifications. He potentially has good 30 years to live and no means to support himself apart from your money. He needs to get on with that and get a job. I would be sayigg exactly the same thing if the roles were reversed.

@NewandNotImproved

Can he still be called a ‘stay at home parent’ when the ‘kids’ are late teens and one has moved out? It it not just a ‘stay at home.’ then?

Unemployed.

@NewandNotImproved

I’d love to not work, and sit on my arse all day. Fancy having another dependent, OP?

Some people on this thread are so resentful!

OP agreed that he would stay home with their children - she must have known this day would eventually come round?

He overreacts to things and causes arguments with his kids. My advice would be to legally separate. Downsize now and pay him off, and find a house for you and your remaining children at home. He sounds toxic and the responses on here supporting him are batshit

@NewandNotImproved

Can he still be called a ‘stay at home parent’ when the ‘kids’ are late teens and one has moved out? It it not just a ‘stay at home.’ then?

I've seen some women refer to themselves as homemakers on tv quiz shows. One quite happily declared she was a housewife. I assume in those cases there are no kids left at home.

Semi-retirement is different from full-retirement (obviously) but not looking for a job is retirement full stop.

There will be a way for him to find suitable employment but it might not happen overnight. I don't buy the 'who's going to employ him' argument because of his age and cv. Plenty of mums with the same background manage to find jobs in this situation and a 50 something woman is arguably less favoured than a man.

His mental health issues seem like the biggest issue tbh and these need to handled sensitively. As someone who is also finding employment difficult because of anxiety, he has my complete sympathy. It's really hard. Not to mention confidence issues from his employment history.

But. Again this can be treated. Nhs has a waiting list of a few weeks atm but cbt is brilliant for treating low confidence and anxiety. There are also a number a of services/charities/programmes specifically designed to help people in these situations get back into suitable work. I think they tend to be based around county/region but definitely worth looking into.

The national careers service is also hugely helpful.

I agree retirement/semi retirement needs to be a joint decision. Also sounds like some couple therapy might be needed.

With huge sympathy to your husband, yanbu @coffy11 and I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

I don't know where there's all these threads with women being encouraged to stay home after kids are at school, whenever I see a woman on MN say she's doing that she gets her arse handed to her.

Women get very sidelined in the workplace 40s-50s in many cases. Plus menopause in 50s. I think it's harder for a woman going back in at that age than a man.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts who told you I am resentful? I’m a blissfully childfree☺️ I don’t need to work, I love sitting doing fuck all. I admire the audacity of this dependent male😆

@Bancha

Being a SAHP involves one parent sacrificing their career and financial security to raise the children and run the home. The other parent provides financially and doesn’t do much else. It sounds like he upheld his end of the deal and that you’ve been quite happy with the situation while it has worked well for you.

I feel quite sorry for him, to be honest. He’s in his 50s with nothing to put on a CV, and you don’t need the money. Realistically, who is going to employ him? It sounds pretty humiliating to me, to be expected to do low paid, menial work because you have decided that he’s served his purpose at home.

I’m wondering if there is something here about sex stereotypes and your ideas of what a man should do?

So much this.can u imagine if this was a woman who'd been stay at home.the repkys would be way different! And be but she's done a job ie SAHP that was her job. But with a man we think boring,lazy,needs to go get a job.but many SAH woman never do afterwards,and ate applauded for giving up all their security and choices to be the one at home

@NewandNotImproved

Can he still be called a ‘stay at home parent’ when the ‘kids’ are late teens and one has moved out? It it not just a ‘stay at home.’ then?

If he's doing all the cooking/cleaning etc he's a house husband isn't he?