Husband and I having different views on him not working

[coffy11]

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

I totally understand. It does seem very unfair on you and he could get something now. Does he do all the stuff around the house

Dh has retired but is only in his 50s and has a good pension he had some severance and it has been difficult with COVID.

I'm still working and couldn't have amassed the same pension as I was looking after dc etc and don't have the same earning power. It does cause resentment when you are rushing about every day and they are still in bed.

I like my job to so extent and I think it is better to work but sometimes it gets to me

I love working too. Being a SAHP is the hardest job in the world when your DC are toddlers. Once they're at school, it's quite lazy really.

The argument of "my salary is the same as childcare" doesn't really wash as their OH should be picking up half the childcare costs and the possible career progression and pension opportunities are all lost by opting out of the workforce.

I have 7 close female friends who have made themselves unemployable by taking this path. Christ knows what they think they'll be doing financially if a) their marriages crumble or b) once the breadwinner retires.

Both DH and I have saved a considerable amount into our pension pots. It's still scary when you look at what the actual pay out would be on retirement!! I think they've buried their heads in the sand and are headed for a significantly reduced standard of living in future.

Totally understand your frustration OP. How on Earth will you be able to support him too when you're old??!

Realistically, who is going to employ him? It sounds pretty humiliating to me, to be expected to do low paid, menial work because you have decided that he’s served his purpose at home.

There are plenty of jobs he could do, security as suggested above, or retail or driving jobs just off the top of my head. Why should doing any of those jobs be considered humiliating just because they’re low paid? And it’s not that OP has just decided he’s served his purpose at home, the children don’t need him any more!

I can see why it would be incredibly hard for him to get back into the workplace and why he wouldn’t want to, but surely it’s much more humiliating to do nothing and be financially supported by someone who doesn’t want to do it.

i'm in the same boat and has done bugger all for years - no work and does little round the house- one child at school. Whilst I understand the arguments if you and the SAHP agreed they should be a sahp - what about if you didn't- and they just started drifted into it- i have asked my partner to get a job/funded training etc and recently told him that he needs to get a job - but he can't find anything he'd like to do
I feel like ive funded his easy life for years and i don't want to do it- particularly after retirement
So OP i understand!

If you’re very specific is it that he’s unmotivated, that he has few interests, that he’s not doing all the house stuff and making your home a really lovely place, that communication is poor and you feel he’s not open to discussion, that he’s unappreciative of how hard you work? I hear you’re annoyed and that he resents your irritation so there’s mutual chippiness and unhappiness.

If he was positive and happy and enthusiastic about his role - had hobbies, made a cosy warm home, put amazing meals on the table, kept a beautiful garden, was learning a new language or something and was actively appreciative of your work making that possible would you be happier? Or would you be envious?

I was a SAHM and while I was I made sure I made that choices that would make my return to the workplace easier. I didn’t view years off with children as a wild card that gave me an out from working for the rest of my life. Of course your dh can work, there are lots of places that hire older workers and it isn’t that he has never worked. He isn’t trying and doesn’t care and it isn’t an arrangement so he is taking the piss. Why on earth should he get to decide that you have to earn all the money. Honestly I would be galled to see him waltz off with so many of your hard earned assets but I would give it serious consideration while you have time to build back up.

He needs 35 years of national insurance contributions to get full state pension or he still won't be contributing fully when you actually retire!

Could he be doing self employed work, gardening, handyman stuff?

@TiddleyWink

Plenty of women do this - refuse to start working after their ‘job’ of raising the kids is done. MN is usually pretty supportive of that in my experience. I also think there are a lot of resentful men behind the scenes feeling like you do. Ultimately neither they nor you feel that the SAHP has ‘earned’ early retirement by doing the domestic drudge for years. Whether you’re right or they are, if you don’t both agree, someone feels shafted in the end.

This is true, but personally I fundamentally do not respect women who refuse to work once children are school age, especially teens or adults. If my own mum had done this I wouldn’t respect her (she didn’t, she went back to work despite my dad being the breadwinner and it’s a good job because he had a mental breakdown and refused to ever work again). Why should they get to potter about doing their hobbies while their husband continues working? What if the working partner wants early retirement for being the breadwinner while children are younger? What if they have an accident and are no longer physically or mentally able to work, or have to drop hours/find a lower paid, less taxing job due to health reasons?

Being a SAHP - male or female - is all well and good in the early years, but there is absolutely no justification for it once children start leaving school and home. I don’t agree with the ‘don’t need to work/working for the sake of it/choosing to work when you don’t need to’ rhetoric, either. Having a partner who can cover all the outgoings on one wage doesn’t mean you “don’t need to work”, it means you’re a freeloader. I can cover all my outgoings and own my flat alone, does that mean if my lower earning boyfriend moved in and wanted to quit his job, I should be fine with it because he “doesn’t need to work” providing he did all the domestic stuff? No. I don’t think one adult should get to unilaterally opt out of all chores and parenting either.

@TiddleyWink

Plenty of women do this - refuse to start working after their ‘job’ of raising the kids is done. MN is usually pretty supportive of that in my experience. I also think there are a lot of resentful men behind the scenes feeling like you do. Ultimately neither they nor you feel that the SAHP has ‘earned’ early retirement by doing the domestic drudge for years. Whether you’re right or they are, if you don’t both agree, someone feels shafted in the end.

^. A lot of men not appreciating SAHP, but a lot of the latter also taking the piss. OP you’re right to want him to work and PP will say that because he’s a MAN but a lot of women in the same position just coast. And expect their husbands to shut up, keep the money coming.

Some therapy etc would be good, or just announce you’re going part-time and see what happens.

I usually don't like it when people respond "if it were a woman..."

But can you imagine a woman who'd been SAHM and as a result has no workplace skills, who additionally has some health problems that cause pain, being persuaded to go out and do menial work to make her DH feel better, when they don't need the money?

Also. Isn’t he a bit boring? I don’t get people who don’t work - women or men

What a silly thing to say (and absolutely dripping with resentment! ). I happen to know a lot of people with really really boring jobs who are incredibly dull people

Weirdly, a person's level of dullness is not related to whether someone external pays them to do a particular task

What about retired people, do they switch overnight from being super fascinating to super dull??

It's not a healthy or respectful dynamic, the decision should be made jointly. He's also not a good role model for your DCs.

Thing is it’s dh who doesn’t need the money. But if he was earning he’s be getting pension and the money that isn’t needed could go in savings (or paying more into pension) so that op could also stop working earlier. A partnership means decisions are made by both partners

@balzamico

I'm not dissimilar to your husband except that I haven't worked since having the kids (now teens). I don't plan to go back to work, we don't need the money and my career is long gone. I don't feel that any of us would benefit if I took a low paid job for the sake of it.

I do practically everything household-wise (& rightly so), the key difference for us is that dh and I have discussed it regularly (as it hasn't always been easy on either of us at different times for different reasons).

We are at a similar stage. But, my OH does want me to go back to work. I am going back to a low paid role....I have kept working on and off from home during my sahm phase so I could go for a high paid full time role. However, the stress it would place on us isn't, imho, worth it. Even little things like taking the cars for MOTs, kids dentist appointments etc we are just used to me doing... also I am nervous of the transition to being out the house 5 days a week. This feels like a good move for us all.

Maybe your husband is scared he won't cope. I can empathise with you both. He needs to look for something if you want to feel supported. But maybe he can just do part time and still do some house things too.

@OctopusSay

I usually don't like it when people respond "if it were a woman..."

But can you imagine a woman who'd been SAHM and as a result has no workplace skills, who additionally has some health problems that cause pain, being persuaded to go out and do menial work to make her DH feel better, when they don't need the money?

MN would be fully on her side, because the woman is always right! The narrative here is always ‘man goes on to glittering career, while SAHm sacrifices hers’.

In actual fact the SAHP might not have had a career anyway and sacrifices nothing by staying at home. People bang on about it being the ‘hardest job’ but surely better than a dead end job nobody really wants to be doing?

Equally, the sole breadwinner may not be enjoying a glittering career, but instead slaving away at a job they hate, that makes enough money.

You’re now seeing the other side of this.

Whether or not ‘any’ choice made is a sacrifice depends on the initial state of both parties involved. And in this case…it’s not about SAHP ‘working’, but the forcing of the sole breadwinner to continue doing so. M

The issue here is its not by mutual agreement so it feels like he’s taking the piss.

A friend’s DP was like this and it caused so much resentment that she eventually dumped him.
Prior to being dumped he was really picky with the jobs he took and kept them for a few months at a time before taking what he considered a well deserved rest
Post dumping he wasn’t so fussy and ended up with a really good job with the council. Still at the same job 15 years later because he has to support himself.

He’s in his comfort zone OP.
Why change if he doesn’t have to?

It doesn’t matter if he’s male or female. It’s the lack of open dialogue or willingness to find solutions that work for the whole family, not just himself.

He has it cushy, doesn’t he? And he can’t be arsed to pretend to be trying to work anymore. For him to unilaterally make that decision, is fairly outrageous.

Your resentment is perfectly understandable.

I was sole breadwinner for the last 16 years of our marriage. ExH got into a hire and fire circle due to poor performance and actual disciplinary offences. He was diagnosed with a severe and enduring mental health condition eventually. He never worked again from age 48. No kids to look after. He did some do stuff around the house but not everything. Sat around and slept most of the day. It wasn’t a discussion we had and agreed, it was what happened because he was obstructive, obnoxious and agressive due to his illness.
He was 10 years older than me, had a PhD, and good job when I first met him….I ended up having to go back to work full time when the kids were tiny and put them in nursery full time ( I had been working part time) and get on a treadmill of crap jobs to get progression and a d3cent salary to support our family of 4.
I stayed married for 30 years, half of that with him not working. I tried very hard to be very supportive
But I resented it. Deeply. It was not what I thought our marriage would be. I worked so hard and it was barely enough at times to get the basics. I used to think how we would be as a professional couple if he even worked part time.
I burnt myself out doing everything that he wouldn’t/couldn’t and retired myself on grounds of ill health at 55.
It’s not just that he didn’t bring in money during those years, his pensions were impacted ( you need 35 years contribution for full state and he had no occupational pension for 16 years) so I was still supporting him in his retirement .
I didn’t split with him becuase of it though. I took it as a “worse/power” lot of my marriage vows. We split for other reasons . I am poorer still because of his attitude as I had to split some of my pension with him . Made me so angry given he literally got fired from some of his jobs for gross misconduct.

Don’t feel bad about being resentful. It is natural. I would , given my time again, put down an ultimatum that says how much money he needs to bring into your joint income per year. Start with something modest that he could do from a variety of sources…then build up. Give him support he needs to find that job but give yourself and him a deadline to say if it’s not improved you need to split up.
Whilst you’ll take a financial hit badly if you split now, it will be less in the long run and give you chance whilst you are still of working age to build your life back up.

There's a lot to unpick here :

• his lack of discussion and communication

-the high levels of assumption and entitlement on his part

• the opting out of work far too early - which I suspect may signify a wider avoidance attitude
• the poor role model for your kids
• the assumption that all will go to plan eg our early twenties kids are still here as they can't afford to move out. We can't downsize yet and you may be the same in the future, forcing you to work longer.
• the inequality of the contribution and enjoyment of down time.

Given all the above I'd say you have jointly got a lot to discuss. Its vital that you do as a PP commented the resentment will kill the relationship otherwise.

Tell him all of the above (you may have more to add to the list). Work on a joint plan. If he doesn't engage in that then you have your answer. And MH issues are not an excuse for him to avoid action. Part of the plan is him working to get himself better

Talk, then take action. Good luck OP

Ps. You are definitely very reasonable to be resentful and pissed off.

Power=poorer

@converseandjeans

You need to check he has enough years to claim full state pension.

I think there's a lot of women like this & I imagine their husbands get frustrated. The argument is always about money saved on childcare & the DH advancing his career & the wife sacrificing some brilliant career. However in this case there was no brilliant career being sacrificed. I also think the majority (not all) of SAHM and part time working women aren't that fussed about a career. Someone who has trained to be a doctor or lawyer for example will just sort childcare & get on with said career.

The reality is once children are in school someone not working has a decent chunk of time off.

What does he do all day? I don't think it's fair he expects you to continue another 15 years while he potters around.

How would he cope if you separated?

so this. Once kids are in school there is no excuse to not work in some capacity, barring some serious health issue/special needs child isse. Its lazy and frankly, these people are generally pretty boring and plenty find themselves single when their partner cotton on to just how much of a drag they are. Financially and socially. And I agree, very few have "sacrificed" anything. They never had a career to begin with

I spent 11 years as a SAHM then went back to uni and retrained and am now doing a job I love. DH has a very good job and could support us financially but my salary has meant we are very comfortable, we are paying off the mortgage early, we can afford luxuries, we don’t have to worry about money.

I find all this talk about low paid jobs demeaning, someone has to do them, many people are working in minimum wage jobs and it doesn’t make them any less worthy.

Personally I think it would be good for the OPs DH to find a PT job out the house even 2-3 days a week for himself.

This is complicated.....I would suggest that (just as if it had been a woman SAHP) the OP has agreed to the situation by default. She says that she loves working and her partner has been the primary parent and run the house. She also says "we haven't talked about it" so it sounds to me as though she has seethed in silence.
If the partner is still running the house and the money is not needed then I am not sure what benefit there would be to his getting a poorly paid job, especially if he has physical limitations and it means he could do less around the house.
there is a fleeting mention of there being a problem with the teenage children but presumably this is a new thing as they appear to have been raised ok.
Honestly OP I think you need to unpick your feelings and have proper non angry conversations with your husband....it seems to me that its possible that he has gone along thinking everything is fine and you are ok with the household situation and you have been inwardly seething and saying nothing?

Absolutely agree @TedMullins

Also - PMSL at the number of people who believe that ‘doing all the home stuff’ equates to a full time job once the kids have grown up. I do that and a full time job as well. It’s not hard if you’re organised. Bills on DD, review insurance one a year, booking holidays possibly a couple of evenings a year, online supermarket deliveries, delivery services for birthdays etc. The mental load reduces so much once the children have upped and gone. There really is no need or justification for one partner staying at home to keep things afloat!