Husband and I having different views on him not working

[coffy11]

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

I retrained at 50. I did a micro masters via EDX and Maryland University online. It's something I can do freelance as I get older so I can keep working a bit.

DH is unlikely to take early retirement and I've set up my life so I can (and financed it) but don't want retire without him.

My state pension will be tiny but I've done other things with my money to make up for the shortfall.

How much cooking or cleaning do two adults generate? Especially if OP is out of the house working every day.

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

Many women in this situation at least volunteer, retrain or are often doing elder care at this phase of life.

This can work for families where one member is a high flyer, earning well into 6 figures, the house is paid off, there are multiple investments, the working partner travels a lot or pulls long hours and the SAH partner is keeping the home fire burning while they do it.

That's not this family's situation, they don't own their house and will have to sell and downsize to fund this.

It's not so much the lack of ambition that would bug me. Some people just aren't cut out for a career and are happy with that. It's the fact that HE wants to semi retire (let's be honest it's fully retire if he's not going to work), but expects the op to facilitate this, firstly without talking to her about it, and secondly that he's happy to let her continue to work full time. I'm sure the op would like to reduce her hours, or semi retire or even retire early, but she can't as she has to work to provide for 2 adults. He could work and the extra income might mean they could both work part time, or semi retire together.

He's being incredibly selfish all round

Yanbu

It sounds like it was a perfectly reasonable setup when the kids were young. Then, he was working despite not earning a wage because running a household with young kids is a lot of work. Now the kids are teens it's actually a really important part of responsible parenting that he should have at least a part time job of some kind. All sorts of things in shops, offices and factories which won't require strain on his knees and don't have to be too demanding.

The teenage years are critical for modelling a good work ethic. Your children need to see and understand that everyone has to work hard at something. No one gets to be a freeloader (or if they try their nasty exploitativness will lead to loneliness and misery in the end because freeloaders/cocklodgers can't sustain meaningful positive relationships. Your DH will either need to demonstrate this in a positive way by bucking up and getting a job, or in a negative way by living off you parasitically until you are so fed up that the relationship breaks down. The firmer option is preferable.

This from @Ivyonafence
I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

That’s a bit tough on unpaid carers, or people providing child care for the grandchildren, so the parents can work!

@Soupercat

This from *@Ivyonafence* I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

What a narrow minded view of the world.

@TheSummerPalace

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

That’s a bit tough on unpaid carers, or people providing child care for the grandchildren, so the parents can work!

Those people don't lack ambition. They've made sacrifices for others. That's very different.

OP agreed that he would stay home with their children - she must have known this day would eventually come round?

He must have known his children would grow up and he would no longer be needed at home so would be expected to get a job. On what planet does agreeing to look after children mean that’s your position for life, even long after the children have grown up?

Most people don't carry on being SAH parents after their dc are a certain age. That does sound unfair: why should op have to support her family unilaterally with no discussion by her h?

But I wondered about this:

because of his anxiety and the way he overreacts to things that the kids say and the arguments he causes with them

So he has been a SAH parent but isn't good with the dc? What does this look like?

And what help has he has for his anxiety? Counselling, meds? Is he helping himself?

He must have known his children would grow up and he would no longer be needed at home so would be expected to get a job. On what planet does agreeing to look after children mean that’s your position for life, even long after the children have grown up?

I've met plenty of women who have been stay at home parents and decided not to go back to work. It's really something that should have been discussed rather than assumed.

@flaglady yes it does happen, and it may be a controversial opinion, but I think the lack of respect and resentment it creates is often what leads to affairs.

NewandNotImproved - sneering profanities at strangers online doesn’t sound like a great occupation either.

@TheSummerPalace

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

That’s a bit tough on unpaid carers, or people providing child care for the grandchildren, so the parents can work!

That’s not a lack of ambition.Caring is working!

@FairyCakeWings don't get me wrong, in his position I'd be out looking for a job but I probably wouldn't have been at home anyway. I hate the thought of one person shouldering all the financial responsibility. I'm just making the point that it's not unusual for people to not pick up a job after getting comfortable and building a life around not having a job.

I think OP if you don’t need the money. It might be worth a conversation about interests/volunteering etc- but stuff that gets him out and gives him a focus- whilst still doing the home stuff— because I think it unlikely with not much on his CV that anything worthwhile ,interesting and paid will just crop up . Might also be worth discussing the whole way forwards as well, downsizing, you working less hours etc and seeing what options there are.

I'd resent someone with no drive and ambition to work. I think work is important for a person's self esteem and their mental wellbeing. For me, another 30/40 years of being with someone who didn't work/volunteer or have some drive to do something purposeful would drive me nuts.

@TheSummerPalace

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

That’s a bit tough on unpaid carers, or people providing child care for the grandchildren, so the parents can work!

If you read the rest of my comment you see I specifically refer to elder care and unpaid work to differentiate these worthwhile things and what OPs husband is doing. I respect people who do both.

OP's husband doesn't appear to be volunteering or caring for relatives. He's running a home which is soon to be just himself and OP.

@FairyCakeWings

OP agreed that he would stay home with their children - she must have known this day would eventually come round?

He must have known his children would grow up and he would no longer be needed at home so would be expected to get a job. On what planet does agreeing to look after children mean that’s your position for life, even long after the children have grown up?

But the reality is that if you're out of the workplace completely for 10-15 years, you are going to struggle, no matter what preparation you do.

Employers will either go for a younger person who can be trained up (as they're likely to want to build a lifelong career) or a person of the same age who has 15+ years experience.

It seems to me that neither of them have been very good at planning for the future here.

I just couldn't respect a man like this and it would be a total turn off to have a grown man financially dependent on me. He'd have to be almost perfection on every other area and really treat me like a queen...even then I probably wouldn't be impressed...but it would be a start

@Acheyknees

I'd resent someone with no drive and ambition to work. I think work is important for a person's self esteem and their mental wellbeing. For me, another 30/40 years of being with someone who didn't work/volunteer or have some drive to do something purposeful would drive me nuts.

Resent them if you were funding it or just resent them generally for giving up work? Because if I had the chance to give up work tomorrow I happily would and wouldn't look back. The only reason it hasn't happened is because I'm not rich and I don't want DH paying for everything.

To be honest, giving up work just to potter about doing housework fills me with horror. I have to be doing something, meeting new people, learning new skills, just trying new stuff really. I would be bored with a partner with no drive and would find it difficult to find stuff to talk about. But thats me, other people may think differently

@Acheyknees

To be honest, giving up work just to potter about doing housework fills me with horror. I have to be doing something, meeting new people, learning new skills, just trying new stuff really. I would be bored with a partner with no drive and would find it difficult to find stuff to talk about. But thats me, other people may think differently

Where has anyone said anything about giving up work "just to potter about doing housework"?

What else is he doing then?

@Acheyknees

What else is he doing then?

He could be doing any number of things - OP hasn't said either way.

Both my parents retired early (mid-late fifties) and neither of them have ever pottered about doing housework in their lives - they're out doing all sorts of things. Exercise classes, hobbies, volunteering, meeting friends, holidays...the list is endless.