Husband and I having different views on him not working

[coffy11]

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

@Soupercat

Also. Isn’t he a bit boring? I don’t get people who don’t work - women or men

I don't get people who choose to work when they don't have to.

*Plus him doing most of the household chores essentially has a monetary value, as otherwise you would either be doing 50% of it or paying for someone to do it.

Resentment, with three children he will have saved the family thousands of pounds each year on childcare*

The op hasn't said she'd expect him to continue to do all the housework etc.

The children are all older teens now, he can't simply say, well I've saved my family thousands in childcare, therefor I can now retire early. I'm sure the op could say 'well I've earnt my family 1000s of pounds, therefor I can give up work'. It doesn't work like that. Why should he retire early, taking away the option of the op retiring early without having a discussion about it. He may not be able to do a manual job, however there are lots of jobs out there, that don't require a skill that he could do. That way, with another wage coming in, they could potentially both semi retire early

What does he spend his days doing?
You say he does most of everything around the house - do you do your share when he does work?

Has he been paying national insurance contributions while he hasn't been working? Is he eligible for state pension when he gets to that age?

If I were you, I would be going to see a therapist to work through some of the anger. It may be other emotions mixed in. If it were me, I would be seriously panicking at the prospect of spending retirement with someone who is so happy with such a small life. But that’s just me

But surely that means you now have to work until retirement age if he's not bringing any income in? What if you get poorly or start finding it to much? You won't be able to go part time or retire yourself.

I'd be furious personally especially if he's not really contributed to the household in years. Does he even have enough contributions for a pension?

You need to check he has enough years to claim full state pension.

I think there's a lot of women like this & I imagine their husbands get frustrated. The argument is always about money saved on childcare & the DH advancing his career & the wife sacrificing some brilliant career. However in this case there was no brilliant career being sacrificed. I also think the majority (not all) of SAHM and part time working women aren't that fussed about a career. Someone who has trained to be a doctor or lawyer for example will just sort childcare & get on with said career.

The reality is once children are in school someone not working has a decent chunk of time off.

What does he do all day? I don't think it's fair he expects you to continue another 15 years while he potters around.

How would he cope if you separated?

To be fair this seems like equality. I don't like it myself because it seems like subsidising the one with less motivation and drive to earn but you see the same with stay at home mums too so I suppose it's fair. It would frustrate me though. where is the wish in these cases for financial independence from the dependent party?

In a marriage or partnership, it's about sharing the load, and looking forward to your latter years with a financial plan. If he doesn't make a go of something now, and something happens to your job there is very little resilience to support your family. He can't just be "I've done my bit" surely? There will be job seeking support and advice out there and if I think in your position, for the sake of our relationship and respecting each other, he should at least be looking!

Plenty of women do this - refuse to start working after their ‘job’ of raising the kids is done. MN is usually pretty supportive of that in my experience. I also think there are a lot of resentful men behind the scenes feeling like you do. Ultimately neither they nor you feel that the SAHP has ‘earned’ early retirement by doing the domestic drudge for years. Whether you’re right or they are, if you don’t both agree, someone feels shafted in the end.

My ex had long periods not working due to being off with depression and later losing his job due to his conduct. He made little attempt to find work despite us struggling financially. I lost respect for him and I realised I would have to support him through retirement. His retirement vision was to sit watching tv! I had to use credit cards to keep us afloat. We separated and I am happier but now working two jobs to get rid of the debt before I can retire . He didn’t even do all the housework either. I understand how you are feeling OP.

@Bancha

Being a SAHP involves one parent sacrificing their career and financial security to raise the children and run the home. The other parent provides financially and doesn’t do much else. It sounds like he upheld his end of the deal and that you’ve been quite happy with the situation while it has worked well for you.

I feel quite sorry for him, to be honest. He’s in his 50s with nothing to put on a CV, and you don’t need the money. Realistically, who is going to employ him? It sounds pretty humiliating to me, to be expected to do low paid, menial work because you have decided that he’s served his purpose at home.

I’m wondering if there is something here about sex stereotypes and your ideas of what a man should do?

You make some interesting points, but surely the main issue is that he seems to be intending to go ahead with this without properly discussing with the op? This will massively impact on her if she decides that she wants to cut down on hours/develops health issues.

He’s probably partially protecting his self-esteem by not putting himself out there to be rejected from even menial jobs because of his long break from paid work to raise kids, which employers might understand even less with a man than with a woman.

Could you suggest retraining in something? Does he have any particular interests? If you’re not on the same page about him stopping work now the resentment will destroy your relationship I think, but I do empathise with him to an extent.

I’m planning to retrain and go back to work when my 2nd is 3, after 5 years at home, and that’s daunting enough. Retraining first is less scary than just attempting to get hired.

What's he planning to live off in the future? Will he get full state pension? Does he have any other kind of pension? He's being very short sighted if not.

Can you frame it as you want him to earn his own personal spending money? So no big pressure to help pay bills and mortgage but no resentment when he decides to take up fishing or something? And a bit more cash for your own personal spending.
He could look at things like being a mystery shopper. Or if he has relevant skills, things like proofreading or testing websites etc and giving feedback. If he likes driving he could try something like Uber. Delivery driving would be good if he didn’t have back and knee issues.

What was the plan after he the dc are grown? I'm a sahp and gave up my career, I'm 5 years out already- I might be able to get a job tomorrow but realistically it won't be at the same grade and my dh would need to share the load at home because it would be hard work even though it would bring in a quarter of what he does. In 10 years time it would be impossible and in 15 I can't imagine.

I'll be really annoyed if at 50 we're financially stable and dh expects me to go find work even though I could have at 40 but he didn't want to do housework or school runs.

What was the original agreement? For my family, I return to work part time when the youngest goes to school and fulltime when they start secondary. If I decided that actually, I quite like doing my own thing during the day, DH would have every right to be pissed off! Regardless of our financial situation.

Personally I think it’s unhealthy to retire that young. You lose your social skills, lose touch with the real world. Grow old before your time etc. He doesn’t need to earn a fortune or go to a high pressure job. What are his interests? Any chance he can turn that into an income?

Lots of jobs around he could do
He seems to do most of the house work, gardening, does he also cook and do all the life admin etc ? Would you prefer him doing a minimum/ low wage job coming home tied / bored and having to share all the boring home stuff
I walked out of a job ( long story) and was unemployed for 5 months I did not look for a job in this time however I did make sure I did as much as possible round the house when Mrs F was home she did not cook clean etc
I was so lucky re work after about 5 months I decided I really should start looking I got a phone call out the blue from a previous competitor with an offer which word out very well

So many women do this and no one batters an eyelid

In a marriage or partnership, it's about sharing the load, and looking forward to your latter years with a financial plan. If he doesn't make a go of something now, and something happens to your job there is very little resilience to support your family. He can't just be "I've done my bit" surely?

^this

Relationships need to renegotiate as things change and move on and if a partner is unwilling to be part of that renegotiation and instead they want to sidestep their adult responsibilities that would definitely cause resentment in a relationship.

@drpet49

So many women do this and no one batters an eyelid

Including their husbands, presumably.

It can be hard to have the confidence to go for jobs when you don't have much on your CV so I understand his reluctance. I think he needs to broaden his idea of what job he can apply for.

I was talking to one of the security guards at the university where I work a few months ago and he was a SAHD for 15 years while his wife was working in Asia. His main job is at reception booking people in, he also goes around campus locking up buildings and issuing parking fines, occasionally letting grateful academics into their offices when they forget their passes. There's nothing too strenuous and they have a big team that always seems to be having a laugh when I go in there. If anything, his age is an advantage for the job. A man in his fifties naturally has more of an air of authority.

I think on paper if you can afford it and he takes care of all house stuff, cooking, shopping, laundry, DIY, gardening, kids ferrying about, mental load, arranging holidays etc, elderly parents, and also maybe can give something back by volunteering - so that you can focus on the job you enjoy it actually sounds pretty good and what many couples did in the past albeit with gender roles reversed.
So it doesn’t so much seem it’s the issue of the principle of him not working, but does feel like you have lost respect for him and there’s resentment as there’s been a lack of discussion about it.
As someone else said - is he actually interesting and good company? Or does it feel like he’s got the pipe and slippers out too soon

“The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing.”

This is the crux of it, it should be a negotiation. He isn’t respecting your feelings, or appreciating that although you can afford for him to not work now, that the situation could change suddenly if you became sick or burnt out, or you just wanted to take things easier as you got older. He isn’t hearing you.

He isn’t too old to retrain in something that he’d enjoy. It doesn’t have to be all about minimum wage unskilled jobs.

The main problem, assuming no major illness or practical problems happen, is that you may end up having little in common. Someone I know quite well raised four children at home, H was a senior executive. They didn’t need her to work financially so she didn’t, although H would have been supportive of it. He divorced her when their youngest left school. Said that they had nothing in common. He’d return from work and she’d have nothing much to talk about.

“think there is a lot of resentment there that's accumulated over the years because of his anxiety and the way he overreacts to things that the kids say and the arguments he causes with them”

So in terms of overall family input, he’s done the childcare and the household mental load, you’ve done the money. But he has caused discord at home, and you resent that.

So it’s not just about him working (irritating though that must be), it’s about a wider measure of balanced input. Tricky. Counselling?

Realistically speaking, he's going to struggle to find work at his age with no real CV to speak of on top of his health issues.

What kind of work do you envision him being able to do at that age? Most places won't hire someone with no experience in their fifties - it's cheaper and far more logical (in a business sense) to hire someone under 25 and train them up instead.

It's a big thing to sacrifice your earning potential to raise a family. I know you say he didn't have much of a career beforehand but if he'd been in the workplace full-time in the last 15+ years, things would probably be very different for him now as he'd have had access to training opportunities and the chance to progress and move around as he gained experience.

While I completely understand you being a bit pissed off, maybe look at it practically - so if he needs to work another few years to claim his full pension, spell that out for him. But if he doesn't and he has health issues anyway, maybe it's worth considering whether he could stop work but facilitate things like lifts for the teenagers, maybe he could help them learn to drive or take them to university open days etc. instead as a sort of compromise, and then you have all your annual leave to spend as a couple or family doing fun things.

I just think at his age with his lack of work experience he's going to struggle to get a job doing much of anything, sadly.