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Original poster

Husband and I having different views on him not working

229 replies

coffy11 · 12/04/2022 02:22

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 24/03/2023 12:50

rubyslippers · 24/03/2023 12:47

What have I just read ?!

Show quote history

A pile of absolute crap. Wink

Ofcourseshecan · 24/03/2023 13:04

2DogsOnMySofa · 12/04/2022 07:27

I'm sure most of us would love to semi retire in our 50s.

The thing that would really bother me, if I was in your shoes (I'm also the larger earner), is that, by him not working, he's taking away your option to retire earlier, or go part time. That's simply not fair! If he worked now, he'd put you both in a position to go part time later down the line, or even retire early. However with him not working, and retiring early, means you can't.

Exactly. It’s not about wanting to return to old sex roles. It’s about two partners sharing the workload and responsibilities. Lots of us have knee and back issues as we get older. No one’s suggesting he should go out to work as a builder or a fireman!

And to be fair, has he sought treatment for his anxiety? Is he using it as a way of not facing the world? Sounds as if it is limiting his life, and that’s not good for either of you.

TedMullins · 24/03/2023 13:08

reddragon7 · 24/03/2023 12:45

Its a natural thought process tbh. Personally, I believe men and women should stick to their traditional roles as much as they have the ability to, otherwise, it will lead to resentment, subconsciously. Women are "wired" to be supported financially by their husbands, whilst they nurture the home and children. If we mess with this dynamic, it will create long-term problems, like the OP is feeling now. And yes, I am a woman.

Speak for yourself. I’d hate to be financially supported by anyone, I like making my own money. The 1950s wants its ideology back.

Myneighbourskia · 24/03/2023 13:10

A bit confused by posters saying that the op has cast herself in the 'role' of the working partner, so has to remain in that til retirement. Anyone, man or woman, is entitled to change their mind at any time. If the working partner is fed up being the breadwinner, they have an absolute right to say they don't want to do it alone any more.

Myneighbourskia · 24/03/2023 13:11

Lol at being 'wired to be supported by their husband'. I'm 'wired' to love making my own cash.

GardenGnomic · 24/03/2023 13:14

We have this issue in our household too. I am high earning WOHM, he lost job (company went bust) when I was pregnant with first. We agreed best for him to be SAHD for a few years. Never expected to be here 15 years later.

Biggest annoyances are: not being wealthier which isn't a biggie - we are fine; it isn't great for his mental health although he will not recognise this; and the fact that it feels like it constrains my choices to semi retrire, go part time, do another job.

And in answer to all why haven't you done something about it. If somone isnt working there are usually contributing factors - lack of qualifications, neuro-diversity and self esteem and anxiety. It would take a shed load of input from me to organise him and I dont have time or energy.

He does do all the household stuff, divorcing him would not make mine or kids lives better.

layladomino · 24/03/2023 13:28

Bancha · 12/04/2022 06:48

Being a SAHP involves one parent sacrificing their career and financial security to raise the children and run the home. The other parent provides financially and doesn’t do much else. It sounds like he upheld his end of the deal and that you’ve been quite happy with the situation while it has worked well for you.

I feel quite sorry for him, to be honest. He’s in his 50s with nothing to put on a CV, and you don’t need the money. Realistically, who is going to employ him? It sounds pretty humiliating to me, to be expected to do low paid, menial work because you have decided that he’s served his purpose at home.

I’m wondering if there is something here about sex stereotypes and your ideas of what a man should do?

I totally disagree.... being a SAHP doesn't mean you sacrifice ever having a career! It means you have a break, and that might mean accepting that your career path will be different, or slower, than it would have been. But it isn't a licence to never work again! You can go back to work when the children are at school, or at secondary school, whatever you agree on as a couple, and then there's no reason at all not to work.

The 'SAHP' role ends once the children don't need you there all the time. It isn't fair to say the ex SAHP can then not do paid work while the other person has to keep working til they're 68. Surely fairer to both do paid work and both reture sooner?

And it's perfectly possible to have a FT job and keep the house clean and garden tidy.

I understand your resentment @coffy11 both because he's unilaterally made a decision that affects your future (what if you decided to give up your job tomorrow without talking to him?) and because he's being lazy.

layladomino · 24/03/2023 13:32

reddragon7 · 24/03/2023 12:45

Its a natural thought process tbh. Personally, I believe men and women should stick to their traditional roles as much as they have the ability to, otherwise, it will lead to resentment, subconsciously. Women are "wired" to be supported financially by their husbands, whilst they nurture the home and children. If we mess with this dynamic, it will create long-term problems, like the OP is feeling now. And yes, I am a woman.

Speechless

Untrue of course

But mostly I'm just speechless

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2023 13:43

This is a zombie thread, woken to be trolled by some weird trad wife. What an odd hobby.

May I suggest getting a job? Also Women are "wired" to be supported financially by their husbands needs a citation. Because that's not true at all.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 24/03/2023 13:45

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2023 13:43

This is a zombie thread, woken to be trolled by some weird trad wife. What an odd hobby.

May I suggest getting a job? Also Women are "wired" to be supported financially by their husbands needs a citation. Because that's not true at all.

Ha, well spotted @MrsTerryPratchett!

LolaSmiles · 24/03/2023 13:49

I don't think anyone in a relationship should be able to unilaterally decide they're not going to work and that their partner/spouse should suck it up.

Even if a couple decide to have a SAHP, that's an arrangement that should be reviewed so both parents are on the same page.

Being a SAHP (of either sex) doesn't give the SAHP grounds to decide they're unwilling to work from their 50s.

reddragon7 · 24/03/2023 13:58

Lol 😂 why does everyone seem so shocked at my views?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2023 13:59

reddragon7 · 24/03/2023 13:58

Lol 😂 why does everyone seem so shocked at my views?

Not shocked. I just think you're wrong.

Citation please?

And don't wake up old threads with your sexist ramblings.

reddragon7 · 24/03/2023 13:59

Myneighbourskia · 24/03/2023 13:11

Lol at being 'wired to be supported by their husband'. I'm 'wired' to love making my own cash.

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with wanting both. To make your own money, and to want to be provided for by your husband.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 24/03/2023 14:00

reddragon7 · 24/03/2023 13:58

Lol 😂 why does everyone seem so shocked at my views?

Because most of us hope that thinking like yours has been consigned to the dark ages, where it belongs.

I don't think anyone is really taking you seriously enough to actually be shocked.

happysingleversary · 24/03/2023 14:08

Tell him you're quitting and you can live off UC. See what he says.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 15:17

He's mid 50's. 3 kids late teens, 2 still living at home. The thing is financially we don't need the money even though we have a largish mortgage, we'll probably downsize when the kids all move out.

It depends how long you want to hang on for then.

If you can tolerate his workshy parasitism until all DC have moved out - bingo. Sell up, & downsize into a small house or flat each.

I has one like this.
There is no excuse for anybody - man or woman - to presume they can live off their spouse once the DC are grown.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 15:19

lady725516 · 12/04/2022 03:16

If he won't work could he volunteer for a few hours a week?
Hospitals always need help

How does that help OP?

Why should she shoulder the financial load for 2 adults?

Naunet · 24/03/2023 16:42

Its a natural thought process tbh. Personally, I believe men and women should stick to their traditional roles as much as they have the ability to, otherwise, it will lead to resentment, subconsciously. Women are "wired" to be supported financially by their husbands, whilst they nurture the home and children. If we mess with this dynamic, it will create long-term problems, like the OP is feeling now. And yes, I am a woman

Please do share the peer reviewed science that confirms this “wiring”.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 16:56

Naunet · 24/03/2023 16:42

Its a natural thought process tbh. Personally, I believe men and women should stick to their traditional roles as much as they have the ability to, otherwise, it will lead to resentment, subconsciously. Women are "wired" to be supported financially by their husbands, whilst they nurture the home and children. If we mess with this dynamic, it will create long-term problems, like the OP is feeling now. And yes, I am a woman

Please do share the peer reviewed science that confirms this “wiring”.

Who the fuck wrote this unmitigated drivel?

Naunet · 24/03/2023 17:01

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 16:56

Who the fuck wrote this unmitigated drivel?

Show quote history

Some dick pandering fuckwit who believes in lady brains I believe, but I’m sure they’ll be back with the “science” any second now….

Fifi1010 · 24/03/2023 17:01

Is this a reverse ? Interesting how the advice is completely different for a female breadwinner Vs male.

Naunet · 24/03/2023 17:03

Fifi1010 · 24/03/2023 17:01

Is this a reverse ? Interesting how the advice is completely different for a female breadwinner Vs male.

It’s really not, unless you have no concept of nuance. It’s pretty standard on here that people can only be a SAHP if the other person agrees to it. It has to be a mutual decision.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 17:10

Naunet · 24/03/2023 17:01

Some dick pandering fuckwit who believes in lady brains I believe, but I’m sure they’ll be back with the “science” any second now….

Show quote history

I've read upthread a bit now Naunet & am 'impressed' by their dedication in trawling MN for a zombie to spout their inanity on.

Cheers for 'dick pandering' btw, I first saw it here, launched by a PP whose username I sadly can't recall - she blistered a few PP's with the immortal phrase "simpering dick-panderers".

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2023 18:03

ZOMBIE!!!