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Original poster

Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

196 replies

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:36

Just that really.

He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me.

He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him.

Am I at fault here?

OP posts:
Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:37

There's other stuff going on too which is on my thread in relationships. This is just part of it all.

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 11/04/2022 07:39

In those circumstances yes I would. He's exhausted.

spotcheck · 11/04/2022 07:40

No, of course he shouldn't have yelled at you. But .. you have a young baby, and you wake him in the night when he IS asleep? Hmmm

How often does that happen? Some people are quite bad tempered if woken- is that what this was, or does he shout at you at other times?

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:43

I only woke him on this one occasion as I was in a spiral of panic, I wasn't thinking straight. I've run out of my anxiety medication and didn't have that to help me either. I couldn't think straight or get my breath. I accept that wasn't my best decision to wake him for support but I'm still not sure it warrants being screamed at. Perhaps it does, I don't know what's right anymore tbh.

OP posts:
Mummy1608 · 11/04/2022 07:43

I've snapped like that from sleep deprivation, so yes I definitely would forgive that.

You say there is other stuff going on but just based on the op, you're both sleep deprived plus he's lost extra sleep supporting your panic attack in the night. I'd cut him just a bit of slack

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:44

He's also not the only one who's exhausted and struggling. I'm absolutely burnt out too. I do most of the household stuff trying to keep us afloat and it's exhausting

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 11/04/2022 07:44

Yes I’d forgive in these circumstances, presuming this is unusual behaviour for him.

Does this happen often? I remember the godawful feeling of sleep deprivation during the baby days. I imagine if I was called upon to provide mental health support on top of that at 3am, I’d really not appreciate being woken to sort the baby out.

What external support do you have for your panic and anxiety? It’s really hard for partners to take the load with this as they are so closely tied in with the issues, often.

Mummy1608 · 11/04/2022 07:46

Just saw your update - I appreciate these things happen (I've run out of a certain med myself and need to sort that this morning) but clearly ywbu for running out of anxiety meds and not keeping up with prescriptions. So yeah, last night he could have had a bit more sleep if it wasn't for that

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:48

I've not had time to keep up with prescriptions as I'm back at work FT this week from mat leave and finding that so overwhelming

OP posts:
Josette77 · 11/04/2022 07:49

In those circumstances yes I would forgive.

SuperSleepyBaby · 11/04/2022 07:52

Yes I would -provided there are no other issues and its out of character. We all behave in unacceptable ways at times - he was very tired - no one is perfect.

Mummy1608 · 11/04/2022 07:53

@endofmytether22

I've not had time to keep up with prescriptions as I'm back at work FT this week from mat leave and finding that so overwhelming
If you're not coping with work, maybe see your gp about getting signed off, or maybe request part time working. It can't be easy for your oh to support you with your anxiety and look after a baby at the same time, I'd buckle under that pressure too.
Bumpsadaisie · 11/04/2022 07:53

I think all relationships have some incidents like this where people have screamed and shouted at each other, said awful things, used appalling language.

If there are isolated incidents and it's happening when the relationship is under extreme strain with young dc, I think it's ok. But you have to apologise and try hard to learn from it and not repeat.

My kids are older now and my DH just don't lose it with each other these days, we're just not under that degree of strain anymore.

mum11970 · 11/04/2022 07:53

Whilst screaming at you is awful I can see why he snapped. He was up with the baby in the night, you woke him at 3 am and then woke him again this morning to get up with the baby (even though you were obviously already awake) and then kept calling his name when he shut his eyes. Does he now need to go and do a full day’s work? What’s the most of the household stuff that is exhausting?

VelvetChairGirl · 11/04/2022 07:53

I'm more interested in whats causing your panic attacks, what you think of his behaviour and if its acceptable is entirely up to you, its your life, your boundaries and your sense of respect, not anyone elses.

but I ask because my ex was a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, mood swinging, rage filled, victim playing arsehole, whom I played doormat to for over a decade thinking I was in the wrong etc and one of the main things it caused was anxiety and panic attacks, but it wasnt until he went that I realized what was causing them, because it was him and they went away with him.

SerendipitySunshine · 11/04/2022 07:53

Yes. You shouldn't have woken him. You need to manage your own illness in this situation as you both have a lot to deal with.

Hugasauras · 11/04/2022 07:54

As an isolated incident yes, as it seems due to sleep deprivation/exhaustion and that can make people behave in ways they wouldn't usually . But you say there's other stuff going on and I imagine it's part of a bigger picture, so it depends on that really.

DysmalRadius · 11/04/2022 07:55

If you were already awake, why were your waking him to get the baby ready?

Step1234 · 11/04/2022 07:57

Whats causing your panic attacks?

I have panic attacks sometimes and try and manage them myself. Your priority needs to be getting your medication today. Can you pharmacy deliver?

On the face of it yes i would forgive him but it depends if this is part of a pattern of behaviour or not. I wouldn't wake up my partner if he had been awake with a baby unless it was very very very important.

hattie43 · 11/04/2022 07:58

Why keep waking him , I'd be annoyed too if I was exhausted . Get a grip of these ' anxieties ' and take it in turns to deal with baby then you can both rest .

Hugasauras · 11/04/2022 07:59

Reading your thread in relationships, it seems like you are both just burned out.

He works long hours and shifts and overtime and has some compassion fatigue about your mental health problems where he was supportive at first. You're having to do most of the house stuff as he's out much of the time.

I don't see it as anyone being unreasonable as such, just two people that are knackered and struggling. Your other thread mentions dropping some hours at work and he is doing same? So that should help a bit hopefully.

FloBot7 · 11/04/2022 08:00

As a stand-alone incident from a man who's half asleep and exhausted I'd let it go. If it's something that happens during the day then I'd be more worried. I can get really arsey if I'm woken up at the wrong moment and it doesn't matter who is waking me up or their reason (hard to react rationally when you don't have a clue what's going going on.. because you're still half asleep).

mum11970 · 11/04/2022 08:03

Why did you not make picking up a repeat prescription a priority before running out? If you know you are going to have panic attacks without meds and you have the extra stress of going back to work this week why have you not helped yourself? I say this as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety so not ignorant of MH problems.

FOJN · 11/04/2022 08:04

It depends if they apologised and whether this is an unusual occurrence or something which happens regularly.

Even the most laid back people can reach breaking point when they are sleep deprived but a reasonable person would know screaming at someone isn't OK and apologise (probably after they've had a bit more sleep) and both people should be able to draw a line under it and move on.

I do think you need to take responsibility for making sure you don't run out of medication you need though.

FOJN · 11/04/2022 08:04

It depends if they apologised and whether this is an unusual occurrence or something which happens regularly.

Even the most laid back people can reach breaking point when they are sleep deprived but a reasonable person would know screaming at someone isn't OK and apologise (probably after they've had a bit more sleep) and both people should be able to draw a line under it and move on.

I do think you need to take responsibility for making sure you don't run out of medication you need though.

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