Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

[endofmytether22]

Just that really.

He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me.

He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him.

Am I at fault here?

Just read your other thread in Relationships (I would usually do an OP search but you've mentioned it here). You both just sound really overwhelmed. He's stretched very thin by the sound of it, working long hours, looking after the baby with you, and also supporting your PNA quite a bit. I think you urgently need to release a valve before the pressure explodes - getting signed off work looks like a good option to me, if you're crying a lot at home and finding work overwhelming. Then your PNA will hopefully improve a bit and you'll both be able to enjoy each other's company and enjoy being with the baby.

I'll just say this: it is possible to love someone, and to be a good person, but to be completely overwhelmed and burnt out from supporting their anxiety.

I suspect there's a huge backstory here.

But on the face of it yes, of course I'd forgive someone who snapped out of frustration or exhaustion.

You're both tired - you're struggling with your mental health and he'll be struggling to support someone who's not taken their medication and is therefore going through withdrawal and increased anxiety.

I've been on those medications and you really shouldn't be letting your prescriptions lapse - these days you can get your prescriptions delivered via an online pharmacy so you don't even need to leave the house.

Before you make any decisions you must go back on your medication. You were prescribed it for good reason and just stopping them overnight is a recipe for disaster.

I know how irrational anxiety can make you and if you're also currently unmedicated then I have to say I do feel sorry for your partner here.

Waking someone up multiple times in the night and again in the morning when you're already up to sort the baby is unfair too.

I don't blame you for waking him in the night, if you couldn't manage by yourself, that's one of the upsides of being in a relationship - someone who loves you & wants to help you.

Why were you waking him 'to get the baby ready' this morning? Bum change & clean baby grow, what more does the baby need? Who looks after the baby when you're at work.

It all hinges on what the other problems are though really, you probably should have added this to your other thread instead.

If I was in his position I probably would have added a "Fuck off" to the end.
You need to be responsible for your prescription. Perhyou could have minded the baby this morning as you were up anyway.
Sleep is so, so precious when the dc are young.

That should say I wouldn't usually do an OP search!

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He is sleep deprived. He was up all night with baby and then you wake him up instead of focusing on your breathing or taking yourself into another room to calm down (I used to suffer debilitating panic attacks).

It’s very irresponsible to stop taking your anxiety meds. I don’t care how busy you are, you need to make it a priority to pick them up. Not only due to the effects withdrawal symptoms have on your body, but how this will affect your interactions with others around you.

If you’re not already then you need weekly therapy. What causes your panic attacks? Any triggers?

If this is a new thing since baby had come along I would try and be understanding this once.

The sleep deprivation does all sorts

I'd have shouted at you in those circumstances. It wouldn't have been right, but that's what happens when people are stressed and exhausted. I do think you need to take some responsibility.

Ref the prescription - sign up for this this morning www.lloydsdirect.co.uk/ and get them delivered.

There's nothing more important than your medication if it's making you so unwell without it.

@DysmalRadius

If you were already awake, why were your waking him to get the baby ready?

Because he was doing the drop off at childcare today and needed waking to get ready on time for that

@mum11970

Why did you not make picking up a repeat prescription a priority before running out? If you know you are going to have panic attacks without meds and you have the extra stress of going back to work this week why have you not helped yourself? I say this as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety so not ignorant of MH problems.

Because im juggling so much else and putting everything and everyone else first I forget my own needs.

Ok point taken

I should not only have been shouted at j should have had a "fuck off" added to the end

Maybe I will "fuck off" for good, like my thoughts are telling me to. Then my baby won't have a shit mother anymore and my partner won't be subjected to me.

@Mummy1608

Just read your other thread in Relationships (I would usually do an OP search but you've mentioned it here). You both just sound really overwhelmed. He's stretched very thin by the sound of it, working long hours, looking after the baby with you, and also supporting your PNA quite a bit. I think you urgently need to release a valve before the pressure explodes - getting signed off work looks like a good option to me, if you're crying a lot at home and finding work overwhelming. Then your PNA will hopefully improve a bit and you'll both be able to enjoy each other's company and enjoy being with the baby.

I'll just say this: it is possible to love someone, and to be a good person, but to be completely overwhelmed and burnt out from supporting their anxiety.

Sorry but I have also searched and it does sound exhausting. Is baby in childcare or are you managing shifts around this? He works long hours what are yours like? I do think if this is not usual then there has to be some forgiveness. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture remember! You also said on other thread how you have different styles of dealing with disagreements, is it possible he pre-empted a long 'you don't support me' chat when you woke him up?

He's shouted at me a few times in the past, pre and post baby. I go into major fight or flight when he does it, it scares me

You're not putting other people first when you're adding a further layer of problems to an already stressful situation. You need to take responsibility for your medication.

Yes, I would forgive my DH for this, but that's because he's a great partner and, overall, I am happy with him. Context is key here. If you generally feel unsupported and there are other issues going on then I'm sure this would feel like the icing on the cake.

Ultimately it's up to you whether or not you forgive him. We can weigh in with our opinions but all that really matters is how you feel. Can you forgive him? Do you want to forgive him?

It's a tough one. Being shouted at is never nice, and it hurts when you're in a low place yourself.

My ex DP did no overnight stuff when my DS was little, and I was suffering massively with my mental health because I couldn't get a solid block of sleep. One night on the tenth wake up I asked him to help and he told me to 'Fuck off, this is what you wanted, I'm sleeping' - it took me a long time to realise that yes nobody likes broken sleep, but I was on my knees and he didn't do much in the way of helping me when DS was young.

That said, I did have anxiety problems and like others have said, compassion fatigue kicks in. My ex was never particularly supportive or understanding about my situation and dismissed it a lot until it became consuming and then didn't want to deal with it and wanted me to just 'chill out'- what I did realise after a long time of trying to work through things was that my ex DP made my anxiety 10x worse.

@Silverclocks

I'd have shouted at you in those circumstances. It wouldn't have been right, but that's what happens when people are stressed and exhausted. I do think you need to take some responsibility.

I do take responsibility- for fucking EVERYTHING in our lives. If I don't think of it and action it, it won't get done. From housework, to childcare arrangements, to paying bills...... That's why I'm exhausted.

@PollyDarton1

My partner makes my anxiety massively worse too.

@endofmytether22

He's shouted at me a few times in the past, pre and post baby. I go into major fight or flight when he does it, it scares me

Take your medication and go to therapy. I would also shout at you if you woke me up (whilst I was already sleep deprived) and you weren’t helping yourself (ie not taking meds).

Those saying why did I wake him to get baby ready for childcare??

Because for the first time since January, he has decided to do the childminder drop off! To "help" me out. I do all the childcare every morning (and many evenings and weekends), and all the drop offs and pick ups, as well as work FT. This one occasion he agreed to do it. So I woke him to do it - why the fuck should he lie there asleep when what I normally do is get up and get her ready by myself and then drop her off?? Do I need to wipe his arse for him, too??

Prioritise getting your meds today.

Then at a later point have a calm chat with your partner about how you organise the family responsibilities together.

[quote endofmytether22]@PollyDarton1

My partner makes my anxiety massively worse too. [/quote]
By doing what?

[quote endofmytether22]@PollyDarton1

My partner makes my anxiety massively worse too. [/quote]
If that's the case, you need to think about what you and your gorgeous baby need moving forwards.

I can tell you that I stuck it out for a further 4 years and had a breakdown under the strain of having to be the 'perfect' partner. I was told I was controlling, manipulative and abusive. I was made to feel worthless and disrespected constantly. He was never happy, no matter what I did or didn't do so I left last year.

Remarkably, my anxiety more or less disappeared and whilst I still struggle with some aspects of life and parenting (I have ADHD which was diagnosed just after I left him) I am a lot lot better without having to live under the weight of pressure.

I'm not saying you should do this btw - it depends contextually on how your husband is in general. Mine was rude, cruel and dismissive and thought nothing of making situations worse rather than working to resolve them.