Page 5 | Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

endofmytether22 · 2022-04-11T06:36:15+00:00

Just that really. He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me. He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him. Am I at fault here?

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 09:26

@Mummy1608

I've felt suicidal for months on and off. So yes, I mean it.

I have been there when i was on mat leave, I sympathise. This is what you have to do, right now:

Call in sick at work for today.
Get an emergency gp appt.
Get them to give you your anxiety medication and sign you off work.

It is not your OH's fault you are feeling like this (you heavily imply it is - that is emotional abuse if you make him feel that).

You have a dependent now, your child, so try to use that as extra motivation to do the right thing, right now. It is putting your DC's needs first. You can do it.

Absolutely agree with this good advice from @Mummy1608

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:27

@endofmytether22 I meant the second time when you woke him to get up with the baby and immediately started talking to him about your bad night but either way you're focussing on the wrong issue here.

You need to have a serious conversation of your expectations of each other now you're back at work.

CornishLamb · 11/04/2022 09:28

I do agree that waking him up at 3am for support was unnecessary, when you were having an anxiety attack. There was nothing he could do, and he isn’t your carer or your parent.

I say this as someone who has also suffered with mental health problems and who used to do things like let prescriptions run out or rely on my DH to look after me.

Not only did you wake him at 3am unnecessarily, when you woke him at 6.30am you immediately started talking about yourself and your feelings. I can understand why he kept his eyes shut, or why he is ignoring you at times, it’s exhausting having to carry someone else mentally whilst living your life too.

Keep reaching out for support from your GP. If work is too much then ask to be signed off/on a phased return. Your DH will burn out too if you rely on him to support you as if he is your counsellor. He isn’t.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 09:28

Are you in work today op? You really do need to get an emergency appt. I also get the being too busy to make your own needs important even though doing so makes everything harder.

I can't are saying a struggling parent shouldn't expect any support from her partner and if she does then he should sleep in as long as he likes whilst she does everything else.

She was up with the baby before three, she woke him at three. He went back to sleep and she couldn't. He had to get up at 6.30 but wouldn't wake up. She's had far less sleep than him but is expected to make him a cuppa and wake up like the good little wife

7eleven · 11/04/2022 09:28

OP you don’t seem to be able to take on board anything that people are writing. You’re too knackered and pissed off.

Get off mumsnet and onto the GP for your prescription!

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:30

She's had far less sleep than him but is expected to make him a cuppa and wake up like the good little wife

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being kind to each other if she's awake anyway.

If you'd both had a shit night and your DH woke you up and started moaning about how crap his night was you'd tell him to fuck off.
If he woke you with a cuppa and said 'that was a shit night wasn't it? It's time to get up now' you'd be groggy maybe but you wouldn't think he was being an arse.

CornishLamb · 11/04/2022 09:32

@SleepingStandingUp- I think he was the one up with the baby before 3am and had gone back to sleep after seeing to the baby. OP then woke him at 3am to tell him she was anxious. Then again at 6.30am to tell him to sort the baby out as it’s “his day” to do that today.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:33

@girlmom21

I wouldn't tell anyone who was struggling significantly with panic and anxiety and voiced how they were feeling to "fuck off". That's just me, though. I'm capable of empathy for other humans. Especially ones I apparently love.

OP posts:

FilledSoda · 11/04/2022 09:34

You're seeing everything through the filter of poor mental health. Address that as a matter of urgency , esp considering your updates !
Get a handle on that before blaming everyone else .
You wont get a medal for being too busy to get your meds , it's just irresponsible.

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:36

[quote endofmytether22]@girlmom21

I wouldn't tell anyone who was struggling significantly with panic and anxiety and voiced how they were feeling to "fuck off". That's just me, though. I'm capable of empathy for other humans. Especially ones I apparently love.[/quote]
That's not when he shouted at you. How was he when you woke him during your panic attack?

Honestly OP, if you want us to tell you he's a dick we can but that's not going to help improve anything.

Talk to your GP about your meds and panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.

Talk to your partner about balancing the workload.

Nobody here is trying to attack you. We're trying to explain how we'd feel in your partners position but I don't think that's helping you.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:37

[quote CornishLamb]@SleepingStandingUp- I think he was the one up with the baby before 3am and had gone back to sleep after seeing to the baby. OP then woke him at 3am to tell him she was anxious. Then again at 6.30am to tell him to sort the baby out as it’s “his day” to do that today.[/quote]
Why is "his day" in inverted commas.

Did you read that I have single handedly done all the childcare drop offs and pick ups since January? As well as get DD sorted in a morning by myself?

OP posts:

Grenlei · 11/04/2022 09:37

This doesn't make sense to me - you say you're only returning to work this week after mat leave but then you're talking about how you usually drop your child to the childminder and then go to work? But you've been on mat leave til today?

I think you need to take responsibility for your mental health now. If you are actually suicidal then you must seek immediate help for that, not post on here for sympathy and get aggy at anyone who doesn't tell you that your DH is an awful person. This is not helping you.

Strictly1 · 11/04/2022 09:37

@endofmytether22

*Why wake up someone for support that you don’t find supportive? That makes no sense!

Because I remember the man he used to be and I stupidly think "maybe this time he will help me feel less alone and overwhelmed". Every single time I'm left feeling worse. I need to give it up, don't I?

You are being unfair here - putting the responsibility for your feelings on him. I really feel for you - I do - but that statement is unfair. Please get your medication and go back to your doctors. Are there others in the family who can support? Take the baby for a night so you can get sleep?
Wishing you the best.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:38

I said I went back to work full time this week. Since Jan I have been part time.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 09:38

[quote CornishLamb]@SleepingStandingUp- I think he was the one up with the baby before 3am and had gone back to sleep after seeing to the baby. OP then woke him at 3am to tell him she was anxious. Then again at 6.30am to tell him to sort the baby out as it’s “his day” to do that today.[/quote]
That's correct @CornishLamb and it's in the op

he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying).

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:41

We split the night wakings but he does do more of them than I do as he copes better than I do with sleep deprivation in general. But I take on way more than him in terms of day to day care and tasks, including childcare drop offs and pick ups and the vast majority of our life admin, housework, shopping, etc .... so it evens out.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 09:41

@girlmom21

She's had far less sleep than him but is expected to make him a cuppa and wake up like the good little wife

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being kind to each other if she's awake anyway.

If you'd both had a shit night and your DH woke you up and started moaning about how crap his night was you'd tell him to fuck off.
If he woke you with a cuppa and said 'that was a shit night wasn't it? It's time to get up now' you'd be groggy maybe but you wouldn't think he was being an arse.

If my husband woke me up at three with anxiety nad needing support and then woke me up for work, no, I wouldn't cream fuck off in his face.

Goldbar · 11/04/2022 09:41

There's a number of different things going on here.

As a family, you are stretched too thinly.
There are a number of problems with the way that responsibilities are allocated within your household.
You need to make time to collect your medication.

I'd separate them out and address them individually. Call in sick, collect your meds and sleep as much as you can.

Discuss with your partner what a fair allocation of responsibilities would look like in your house. If you're both working, he should be doing half the drop-offs and pick-ups, and his share of childcare, organisation and chores the rest of the time. The way you deal with him not waking up in time is to leave for work yourself and leave him to it. Natural consequences and all that. He'll be late and it won't happen again.

If, having put in place a fair allocation of responsibilities, you are both still overwhelmed, it would be a good idea to look at one or both of you dropping some hours to give you some slack in your lives.

Finally, the behaviour you've described doesn't necessarily sound abusive as a one-off, but if it is part of a pattern of behaviour, then yes, I would say it amounts to domestic abuse and you need to think about exiting the relationship. If your partner's response whenever he's short of sleep or in a stressful situation is to shout or scream at you, that's not ok. Even if a one-off, he owes you an apology - it's not acceptable behaviour.

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 09:43

@endofmytether22

We split the night wakings but he does do more of them than I do as he copes better than I do with sleep deprivation in general. But I take on way more than him in terms of day to day care and tasks, including childcare drop offs and pick ups and the vast majority of our life admin, housework, shopping, etc .... so it evens out.

Is this because he's a lazy arse, or because you are at home more? How many hours are you both working a week?

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:44

@SleepingStandingUp she didn't just wake him for work. She woke him and started telling him how tired she was and repeatedly said his name until she was certain he was listening

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:45

@endofmytether22

We split the night wakings but he does do more of them than I do as he copes better than I do with sleep deprivation in general. But I take on way more than him in terms of day to day care and tasks, including childcare drop offs and pick ups and the vast majority of our life admin, housework, shopping, etc .... so it evens out.

But you said it's not even. You said you do way more than him - and it looks like you're right with that list.

ManAlive24 · 11/04/2022 09:47

OP, this is AIBU where men get defended to death by a weird little contingent. I've been where you are and it sucks. Took 5 years for my husband to return to the man he was and treat me kindly again, and I resented every minute of those 5 years. Put yourself first for a while. Xx

Sirzy · 11/04/2022 09:48

How many hours does he work compared to you?

Is it a case of he doesn’t do the jobs because he is at work more (and getting less sleep) or because he doesn’t do them to your standard or he just doesn’t do them?

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:50

@MichelleScarn

I'm working 38 hours a week now. He is working 40-50 hour weeks depending on overtime. However he doesn't necessarily have to do that overtime - we plan out what's needed at the start of the month but he always wants to do extra and often extends shifts with no prior discussion leaving me at home doing everything. Essentially he's avoiding me by being at work longer, I think. Yes we benefit financially from that, but I suffer practically and emotionally as more of the home and childcare load falls on me.

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 11/04/2022 09:50

Could you clarify your work situation? You say that this is your first week back working full time? Whay have you been doing before that?

It makes a difference to replies. I was a sahm and then worked part time. I did all the housework and nursery/school dropoffs and still had more free time than my husband did. If other posts are correct it sounds like your husband has a demanding job and not much down time? Is that so or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

For what it's worth I suffer from chronic insomnia and anxiety at night. Sometimes my tossing and turning wakes my husband up. My husband can be the same and sometimes we are awake together (usually a family related issue disturbing both of us). We would never deliberately wake each other up as sleep is a valuable commodity for both of us. I know that's not the same as a full blown panic attack, but keeping up with your medication and finding ways to cope would help both of you.