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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

196 replies

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:36

Just that really.

He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me.

He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him.

Am I at fault here?

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 10:31

You need to look at your finances.
Having two full time wages should mean you’re both living comfortably.

He sounds stressed because he is having to work extra hours and then you’re stressed as that means less help at home.

You say if you work less he’ll have to work more which will stress you both out even more.

VIPNanny · 11/04/2022 11:21

You really need to consult with your GP, OP, it’s clear there is a lot going on but at the same time you also seem unable to see things from his perspective.

He shouldn’t have told you to shut up (that’s a given) but at the same time you say you really suffer when you are sleep-deprived and was awake at 3am crying and panicking (so having an uncontrolled reaction to your environment) but can’t see why his “shut up” might have been driven by the same thing, a knee-jerk reaction to being sleep-deprived and overwhelmed by being repeatedly woken up.

I work in a field where I work 24/6 and do nights with baby 6 days a week. I have never told anyone to shut up or snapped at someone despite the utter sleep deprivation but I get sometimes irrationally irritated when on my one day off I get repeated anxious messages from the mom about 100 little things requiring my insight and support. I have never told her to shut up and would absolutely never, but sometimes I really want to burrow myself in a pillow and say “leave me aloooone!” (And I honestly don’t say it because she is my boss but probably would 100% say and maybe not in a not so nice tone on my most sleep deprived days it if she was my partner) Sleep deprivation is soul sucking combined by someone who needs continuous emotional support and is suicidal it’s even harder.

If you are suicidal and have been for years you would be massively unreasonable to not do everything you can to get better, even if that means signing yourself off etc… you have a child and you both owe him healthy mental health and adequate care (which you can’t give if you are burned out, not on your meds and thinking of suicide). Talk to a professional, maybe see a couple therapist so you can both try and see things from each other’s perspective and become more supportive of each other. And please make sure you always make time for your (mental) health, either by forcing yourself to take breaks or at the very least by making sure you never let your prescription run out before you got to renew it.

Good luck OP, I hope you feel/get better soon.
Baby days are tough days but I hear it gets better eventually.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 11/04/2022 11:35

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear how hard things are for you right now. It sounds like you're absolutely exhausted.

Other posters have already shared some helpful links to real-life support (thank you) but you might also wish to take a look at our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

We're going to move your thread to the Relationships topic now. Please do consider getting some support in real life too.

5peasInAPod · 11/04/2022 12:03

I've snapped at my husband like that and screamed blue murder. We've had terrible rows when under pressure. We've always forgiven each other and it would take way more than that for us not to.

KarmaStar · 11/04/2022 12:12

Yes I would.
Think ywbu in that situation.
Your chemist can order and deliver for you do you don't run out.
Waking someone who is exhausted because you felt anxious was a bit selfish but ,both being worn out,try to remember it will get better.🌈

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 14:49

How have you been @endofmytether22 have you managed to get new prescription ordered?

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 20:36

@MichelleScarn

How have you been *@endofmytether22* have you managed to get new prescription ordered?

Yes I have, I collected it after work. I've taken it so hopefully will manage better sleep tonight 🤞🏻

I also got an apology from my partner for the "shut up" comment. He wants to try relationship counselling and he's been a lot nicer to me and more supportive this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 20:37

Thank you for checking in on me @MichelleScarn

OP posts:
Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 20:38

@girlmom21

I hope that meeting goes well for you OP. I think even just knowing you've got a day to yourself coming up each week will help you give yourself 'permission' to relax on an evening and unwind

Meeting went well, I'm dropping my hours and having a full day off a week. Smile

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 11/04/2022 21:40

Glad to hear you've got your medicine.

Arrange to have your repeats delivered so you never run out.

No he shouldn't have screamed shut up in your face when you in the middle of panic attacks.
That's be like screaming at someone in pain from their surgery, cancer, or any other illness.

I don't know if you have a support stuffed toy or not but they can be incredibly helpful when you're in the middle of it.
Remember to do your grounding exercises every day.

Gelasia · 11/04/2022 22:20

Some classic mumsnet helpfulness and understanding about mental health on this thread. "I'm understanding about mental health....but you should have fixed it by now so it's your own fault and also you should have been working harder at the housework." FFS. I hope the steps you're taking help, OP, take care.

SuziSecondLaw · 11/04/2022 22:43

@Gelasia

Some classic mumsnet helpfulness and understanding about mental health on this thread. "I'm understanding about mental health....but you should have fixed it by now so it's your own fault and also you should have been working harder at the housework." FFS. I hope the steps you're taking help, OP, take care.
This, really.

I feel bad for you, op.
Anxiety is horrific.
Sleep deprivation is torture.
I don't think your dps behavior is acceptable, buuut, being in the throes of tremendous sleep deprivation myself right now, I do think it's understandable.
I know it's a bit cliche, but the first year with a new baby is generally absolutely awful for relationships.. Most people just about get through it, and things do start getting better!

Step1234 · 11/04/2022 23:03

I'm so glad you're ending the day on a better note op.

Boomerwang · 11/04/2022 23:04

Yes I would. I've reacted terribly like that due to anxiety and feeling like I've lost my grip. I wouldn't just put up with it happening repeatedly though, he'd need to get it sorted out.

Angelica1234 · 11/04/2022 23:13

My bf and I don't live together. However, we talk everyday and try to see each other once or twice a week. We have been dating for 6 months now. He recently travelled to another country and i found out through social media. He didn't tell me even though we spoke the day he was leaving. I feel very hurt. So i blocked Him.
How would you feel or how would you react or think of this situation?

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2022 23:53

[quote endofmytether22]@Sushi7

I'm in therapy, have been since baby was 6 weeks. I usually take my medication religiously but this week being my first back at work FT my own needs have slipped. I've done nothing but "help myself". I reach out for support constantly, to my therapist, to friends, to my GP. And to my partner, who largely ignores me or tells me to "shut up". [/quote]
So this really doesn't have so much to do with this incident, it's a culmination of a lot of things?

Is this a relationship that's worth it?

Newestname002 · 12/04/2022 02:50

@endofmytether22

I've not had time to keep up with prescriptions as I'm back at work FT this week from mat leave and finding that so overwhelming
OP can your pharmacist set up an automatic renewal of your meds? They'd then just text you when it's ready for collection.

Otherwise there are online companies eg Pharmacy2U where you can order from and they'll deliver to you. Or check out the MyGP App where you can set up appointments and order prescriptions online from your own GP Surgery. That should help accessing your meds easier once you are set up. Good luck. 🌹

Piper22 · 12/04/2022 03:46

Yes I would forgive him

CandyLeBonBon · 12/04/2022 04:31

@Angelica1234

My bf and I don't live together. However, we talk everyday and try to see each other once or twice a week. We have been dating for 6 months now. He recently travelled to another country and i found out through social media. He didn't tell me even though we spoke the day he was leaving. I feel very hurt. So i blocked Him. How would you feel or how would you react or think of this situation?
You need to start your own thread
ColdSeptember · 12/04/2022 04:45

@Angelica1234

My bf and I don't live together. However, we talk everyday and try to see each other once or twice a week. We have been dating for 6 months now. He recently travelled to another country and i found out through social media. He didn't tell me even though we spoke the day he was leaving. I feel very hurt. So i blocked Him. How would you feel or how would you react or think of this situation?
This isn't relevant, you need to start a thread of your own.

OP - I would have snapped at you too if you'd have woken me for the second time in a night. If you don't want to be in your relationship then own that and take steps to end it, but don't make out that your partner is completely in the wrong. It sounds as though he has an awful lot to deal with - not saying you don't, but he's stretched very thin too.

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 12/04/2022 05:34

Thanks all. (Mostly all)

Going to hide this thread now as it's immensely unhelpful to have repeated comments of "I'd have screamed at you too" when my partner has now apologised for that unacceptable behaviour and we have moved on from it. Why does no one read updates before commenting? Odd. Anyway. Thanks again to the helpful posters - you know who you are.!

OP posts:
Dairymilk50 · 12/04/2022 05:44

Let's leave the screaming aside for a minute OP.

How old is your baby? Do you have a mum/friend that can support you?
If your BF makes things worse you maybe should part ways.

Why have you gone back full time if you now have a baby? And you was part time before? Perhaps it's too much?

girlmom21 · 12/04/2022 06:48

Great update OP. Good luck for the future. I hope the meds and change to work schedule set you both on the right path! X

SpookySpirit · 12/04/2022 06:59

I would forgive him as he's seeped deprived. But you op must get on top of your prescriptions. No excuse because you work.

Sushi7 · 12/04/2022 07:20

@Gelasia

Some classic mumsnet helpfulness and understanding about mental health on this thread. "I'm understanding about mental health....but you should have fixed it by now so it's your own fault and also you should have been working harder at the housework." FFS. I hope the steps you're taking help, OP, take care.
I do think the OP shouldn’t have gone cold turkey. That was very irresponsible. Withdrawal symptoms include the things she mentioned eg panic attacks, irrational, weepy then angry etc. They not only make you feel worse, but upset everyone you live with.

It’s good she’s going to take them again. In a few days @endofmytether22 will read her comments back and realise that her behaviour that night wasn’t acceptable and going cold turkey is dangerous.

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