Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

[endofmytether22]

Just that really.

He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me.

He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him.

Am I at fault here?

I've RTFT.

If you feel suicidal, which you say you do, I hope you are prioritising mental health support for that, in addition to your medication.

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing.

I'm also sorry for your DP. He may not have behaved well but managing your anxiety in the middle of the night, when he was already up with the baby, and would be up at 630, is hard. On that specific incident, you shouldn't have woken him up at 630, regardless if it was 'his turn'. He was up with the baby, you woke him unnecessarily at 3, so you should have got baby up & ready.

Please take care of your MH, it sounds like a difficult situation for you.

@girlmom21

Great update OP. Good luck for the future. I hope the meds and change to work schedule set you both on the right path! X

Thank you. I feel much brighter today.

DP was also much kinder to me last night. He said (when I told him I often feel he is uncaring in his responses towards me): "My head and heart is here, with you and this family. That's why I haven't left despite the fights we've had".

It meant the absolute world and more to hear that, it's not often he says things like that.

It meant the absolute world and more to hear that, it's not often he says things like that.

That's nice but isn't going to remedy the suicidal ideation that you have.

Please speak more to your HCP as you said you have been suicidal for months.

That's worrying & not something your DH can fix.

@EarringsandLipstick

It actually does help relieve the feelings of hopelessness to hear him say he cares. It's the precise reason I often feel so alone and low - because I don't feel that he cares at points or that I have anyone to turn to. So it does help, alongside the professional support I constantly seek out, too.

@endofmytether22

I've felt suicidal for months on and off. So yes, I mean it.

Maybe I will "fuck off" for good, like my thoughts are telling me to. Then my baby won't have a shit mother anymore and my partner won't be subjected to me.

These are very strong statements.

While your partner's support is very beneficial, it can't address such serious issues. You indicate in your latest post that therapy is helping but in your earlier ones you say that you are struggling massively.

I think you need to ensure that you have the right level of support for such significant and ongoing distress. And that's not down to your partner.

I'm not repeating myself any further. I do engage with a lot of professional support. I just also have an issue with many of the ways my partner is towards me, which can exacerbate my difficulties. Of course him being nicer to me helps my mental health, just like him being shitty makes me feel worse. None of that is to say that I see him as the solution to my problems or my therapist - just that his words have the power to make me feel either better or so much worse. Last night it made me feel better. I think that's just normal, tbh, and probably true of most relationships.

And whilst they might be strong statements in your opinion, they are honest statements in mine. I am being honest about how I feel at times. I won't apologise for honesty.

I think that's just normal, tbh, and probably true of most relationships.

Gently OP, while it's true that how our partners speak to us can affect our mood in the moment, it usually passes and is resolved.

However if we are feeling suicidal then someone affecting our mood negatively could have serious consequences, like you feeling so low you said on here that perhaps your baby is better off without you etc.

So for you, really focusing on and building up your self worth and confidence outside of the relationship is vital so that if you two have a row it doesn't sink you into suicidal ideation.

Hope that made sense, not sure I explained it perfectly.

It's very, very worrying to hear someone say they think their child is better without them and be suffering with suicidal ideation / suicidal thoughts, so people have latched on to that bit of your post as they are concerned about you and it's perhaps more shocking a statement than you realise because you're living with it.

I've been there and remember telling a friend how I felt and she burst into tears panicking about me whereas I was almost numb to the idea of those thoughts.

People are trying to help you

^And whilst they might be strong statements in your opinion, they are honest statements in mine. I am being honest about how I feel at times. I won't apologise for honesty.^
What do you think your partner can do with this information other than walk on eggshells and do everything in his power not upsetting you.
When he slipped while semi conscious he's had to apologise, did you apologise for waking him.
Unless he is a MH professional he cannot save you.
It's difficult living with a partner who has MH issues which is your responsibility apparently.
See a professional.

@EmeraldShamrock1

Have you read any of the thread? Firstly, I didn't provide that information about feeling suicidal to my partner, I provided it here on this thread. I was then told these are "strong" statements. Maybe so, but they are my feelings that I am sharing anonymously on the internet, as many others do on here.

Secondly, I have said repeatedly that I am in therapy and I seek professional support regularly so I clearly don't need to be told to do that.

And yes I did apologise for waking him.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Your post makes perfect sense and I appreciate your balanced, empathic tone. Thank you

Perhaps I am desensitised to my own feelings, yes. I've lived with them for almost a year now. That would make sense.

As you’ve described it, I think I would forgive, yes.

I have the thread, I'm sure your partner is aware of the suicidal thoughts and very fearful of them.

I hope you get the help you need, are the therapists aware you're having suicidal thoughts.

@endofmytether22

And whilst they might be strong statements in your opinion, they are honest statements in mine. I am being honest about how I feel at times. I won't apologise for honesty.

You don't need to apologise for honesty.

But your behaviour is completely UR, even tho I can understand why it might be, given how tough things are for you.

You woke up your partner who had already been up managing your baby, due to how you were feeling. Then you were insistent he had to get up at 630, as it was 'his turn' ignoring the two other pertinent facts about him having been woken in the night.

You now seem to think all is well following his support.

My point is this is welcome but if you've been suicidal for months, it's not the most important part. You stopped your meds, and perhaps you need more support than the therapy you say you are getting.

I didn't provide that information about feeling suicidal to my partner, I provided it here on this thread.

Is your partner not aware you have been feeling suicidal for months? That's very concerning.

Yep. I am a totally different person the ten minutes of waking up after a bad night than I am any other time. I dead sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

@EmeraldShamrock1

^And whilst they might be strong statements in your opinion, they are honest statements in mine. I am being honest about how I feel at times. I won't apologise for honesty.^ What do you think your partner can do with this information other than walk on eggshells and do everything in his power not upsetting you. When he slipped while semi conscious he's had to apologise, did you apologise for waking him. Unless he is a MH professional he cannot save you. It's difficult living with a partner who has MH issues which is your responsibility apparently. See a professional.

I agree with this. Your partner will be very aware that you are feeling bad, he will be very aware that you are relying on him. He works more than full time, he has to night wakings and a very ill partner. That is a lot on him.

Up until just a week ago you were working part time and getting a full nights sleep, house admin for 2 adults and a baby isn't exactly crazy busy. Now suddenly he is getting the things thrown in his face, you did everything, he did nothing because for one week you brought the baby to nursery after getting them dressed and fed. I can see why he snapped.

People do and say things they regret when they are in a pressure cooker environment, I had a very mentally unwell husband and 2 young children once upon a time and it led to me having my own mental health issues because of the strain of trying to cope with the responsibility of caring for both husband and kids with no time to care about me, the ill person get lots of support as you are(and as you should be) but where is your partner support? You have him but he doesn't have you because he will feel he can't burden you, it leads to a very unbalanced dynamic and anger and resentment can build up when your partner can't be your person because they are too ill but you don't get to opt out because they are relying on you. Not to mention the guilt that you feel for having those feelings.

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad because you can't help being ill but your partner will be having his own feelings right now and they are as valid and as important as yours.

@EarringsandLipstick

I didn't provide that information about feeling suicidal to my partner, I provided it here on this thread.

Is your partner not aware you have been feeling suicidal for months? That's very concerning.

Yes he's been in sessions with my mental health team with me, at their request.

Up until just a week ago you were working part time and getting a full nights sleep

This is a complete assumption. I literally can't remember the last time I got a full nights sleep. I'm usually awake with anxiety and/or the baby.

the ill person get lots of support as you are(and as you should be) but where is your partner support?

He's been offered it by the team who look after me. He's declined.