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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

196 replies

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:36

Just that really.

He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me.

He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him.

Am I at fault here?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/04/2022 08:59

Set up something like prescriptions to you to deliver the medication. They remind you to order them then they come straight to the door.

If you knew it had been a disturbed night and he didn’t need to get up for work or something then surely you could have let him catch up on sleep while you sort the baby?

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 08:59

@Sushi7

I'm in therapy, have been since baby was 6 weeks. I usually take my medication religiously but this week being my first back at work FT my own needs have slipped. I've done nothing but "help myself". I reach out for support constantly, to my therapist, to friends, to my GP. And to my partner, who largely ignores me or tells me to "shut up".

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 11/04/2022 08:59

I'm terrible with lack of sleep and have said lots worse when dh has woken me when I was a sleep deprived wreck with babies and toddlers Blush

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:00

@Sirzy

He DID need to get up for work, and take baby to the childminder, like I said, for the first time since January. I've done every other drop off and pick up, with no help.

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 11/04/2022 09:01

‘Screaming in your face’ is an overdramatic way of putting it. It doesn’t sound as extreme or calculated as that when you explain what actually happened.

Mummy1608 · 11/04/2022 09:01

Maybe I will "fuck off" for good, like my thoughts are telling me to. Then my baby won't have a shit mother anymore and my partner won't be subjected to me.

If you mean this, get an emergency gp appt and get signed off work right now, right now. Get an emergency prescription of those anxiety meds. You need urgent help.

If you don't mean it, then it's manipulative emotional blackmail and I really hope you don't talk to your partner like that because it is abusive

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:02

Maybe I just find the sound of his raised voice and any sudden movements he makes triggering in the context of past events. When my anxiety is already very raised.

OP posts:
Step1234 · 11/04/2022 09:02

Because im juggling so much else and putting everything and everyone else first I forget my own needs

Its difficult but you really do need to put yourself first - get your medication delivered then you don't need to pick it up. Don't make any huge life decisions while you're in the grip of a mental health crisis, which it sounds like you are because what you just said sounds like you're thinking of ending it. Don't do that, your baby needs you and there's always light at the end of the tunnel. You must, must take your medication every day, letting it lapse and going cold turkey is the worst thing you can do. If you really are feeling suicidal, then please get in touch with your doctor or counsellor, you may need to increase your dose and you need more support than your dp can give you.

Life with a baby really fucking sucks at times. Leaving your partner might be the right thing to do, but it's not the right time to make that decision until you're at less of a crisis point. If your partner is scaring you then it's not a healthy relationship.

Reading your other thread, is it possible he's depressed too? He should go to the doctor too.

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2022 09:02

OP your massively drip feeding here. You might be better asking for post to be deleted and do a new post to include more background

Mummy1608 · 11/04/2022 09:03

Either way, call in sick today, you are not well enough to work

Sushi7 · 11/04/2022 09:03

@endofmytether22 I usually take my medication religiously but this week being my first back at work FT my own needs have slipped. I've done nothing but "help myself".

Going cold turkey on anxiety meds will make you have panic attacks, irrational thoughts, irritable, weepy etc. You haven’t helped yourself if you haven’t taken your meds in a week. More than one day will send you crazy.

Strictly1 · 11/04/2022 09:04

Ultimately it is your choice. You talk about how you sort everything but it is hard as an outsider to move past you not getting your medication which I'd have thought was a priority.
I'd get my medication sorted today and then, when both calm, have a proper talk.
Your messages are mixed on here. You are both under enormous pressure but you not getting your medication will have a further massive impact which could have been avoided.
I do hope things improve for you both. Returning to your original question, yes I would forgive.

supermommie · 11/04/2022 09:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 09:05

@SerendipitySunshine

Yes. You shouldn't have woken him. You need to manage your own illness in this situation as you both have a lot to deal with.
She was up with THEIR baby and she wasn't able to adequately parent their child. Why the hell shouldn't he get up and help with his kid?
Notimeforaname · 11/04/2022 09:05

why the fuck should he lie there asleep when what I normally do is get up and get her ready by myself and then drop her off?? Do I need to wipe his arse for him, too??

No but if another grown adult is going to do something...you leave them to it to do it. You say you dont want to do everything so stop

Stop doing everything and being a martyr. You are responsible for your own medication and meeting your needs.

You not fitting in time to sort your own medication is not your partners fault.

Step1234 · 11/04/2022 09:05

I didn't say your dp might be depressed as a reason for it to be ok for him to shout at you, by the way. Just that him getting help might ease the burden on you.

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 09:06

[quote endofmytether22]@Sushi7

I'm in therapy, have been since baby was 6 weeks. I usually take my medication religiously but this week being my first back at work FT my own needs have slipped. I've done nothing but "help myself". I reach out for support constantly, to my therapist, to friends, to my GP. And to my partner, who largely ignores me or tells me to "shut up". [/quote]
@endofmytether22 so don't be too hard on yourself, you are absolutely doing lots of things for yourself and it looks like you do have lots of support!

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:06

@Mummy1608

Maybe I will "fuck off" for good, like my thoughts are telling me to. Then my baby won't have a shit mother anymore and my partner won't be subjected to me.

If you mean this, get an emergency gp appt and get signed off work right now, right now. Get an emergency prescription of those anxiety meds. You need urgent help.

If you don't mean it, then it's manipulative emotional blackmail and I really hope you don't talk to your partner like that because it is abusive

I've felt suicidal for months on and off. So yes, I mean it.

OP posts:
HintofVintagePink · 11/04/2022 09:06

Yes I would. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for good reason.
You are both struggling and you do need to take responsibility for your own medication. If you download the NHS app you can reorder it very easily. Set a reminder on your phone to reorder it.
No one is saying it’s acceptable to scream at you, but you are both dealing with very difficult circumstances.

Step1234 · 11/04/2022 09:07

*Stop doing everything and being a martyr. You are responsible for your own medication and meeting your needs.

You not fitting in time to sort your own medication is not your partners fault.*

There's no need to be nasty calling her a martyr. She's having suicidal thoughts and struggling with pnd. Have a bit of empathy, yeah?

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:07

@Hankunamatata

OP your massively drip feeding here. You might be better asking for post to be deleted and do a new post to include more background

That's why I referred you all to my other thread. Can't be accused of drip feeding if I have directed you to where I detailed all the rest of the stuff. I haven't got the time or energy to re type it all out.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:08

Your OP says you woke him for support but now you're saying you had to wake him to take the baby to childcare. Which is it?

Neither of you can do everything alone. You're exhausted.
He's exhausted.
You're beginning to resent each other.

This stage is really bloody hard.

You say he makes your anxiety worse. How?

beattieedny · 11/04/2022 09:08

I think you both need some support and rest.

Notimeforaname · 11/04/2022 09:08

Maybe I just find the sound of his raised voice and any sudden movements he makes triggering in the context of past events. When my anxiety is already very raised.

Even more of a reason to make sure you always have your medication.

People snap sometimes under pressure and raise their voices.

It's not his fault you havnt taken your medication and are more anxious than usual.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 09:08

[quote endofmytether22]@Sushi7

I'm in therapy, have been since baby was 6 weeks. I usually take my medication religiously but this week being my first back at work FT my own needs have slipped. I've done nothing but "help myself". I reach out for support constantly, to my therapist, to friends, to my GP. And to my partner, who largely ignores me or tells me to "shut up". [/quote]
Everyone else in your life helps you.
The man who is meant to love you, who had a child with you, tells you to shut up or ignores you.

Think about that.

This isn't about a tired man having a one off shout cos he'd been up in the night. It's bigger than that.

DH works, I don't. If I can't handle the kids in the night I wake him and he takes over. Simple.

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