Page 4 | Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

endofmytether22 · 2022-04-11T06:36:15+00:00

Just that really. He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me. He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him. Am I at fault here?

SlashBeef · 11/04/2022 09:10

You need to seek further help. If you're playing these emotionally manipulative games with him then I understand even more why he's fed up. You say you're doing everything but it sounds like he is working an awful lot of the time? So would you rather he brought less money in but had more time at home? If so, tell him that.
I can empathise with mental health issues, I have suffered myself but I have very little tolerance for people that use it as an excuse to be emotionally abusive to people. You need to help yourself.

Notimeforaname · 11/04/2022 09:10

There's no need to be nasty calling her a martyr. She's having suicidal thoughts and struggling with pnd. Have a bit of empathy, yeah?

That's my opinion. Deal with it yeah?

Sirzy · 11/04/2022 09:11

Why wake up someone for support that you don’t find supportive? That makes no sense!

If overall the relationship isn’t working then you need to step away from the relationship. If it’s making your mental health worse you need to step away.

You can’t have it both ways though.

namechangeranonymouse · 11/04/2022 09:11

You were very unreasonable to wake him as you did, and it's understandable he shouted. You are both under pressure, but only you can sort out your issues. He is not your therapist he is your partner.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:11

@girlmom21

Your OP says you woke him for support but now you're saying you had to wake him to take the baby to childcare. Which is it?

Neither of you can do everything alone. You're exhausted.
He's exhausted.
You're beginning to resent each other.

This stage is really bloody hard.

You say he makes your anxiety worse. How?

3am I woke for support
6.30am I woke him to get up and ready to take baby to childcare (as it's his first time doing the drop off). When I woke him at 6.30 I was saying to him that I hadn't managed to go back asleep and that I was really struggling. He kept his eyes closed not responding. So I said his name a few times to try to wake him. Then got shouted at and told to shut up.

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 11/04/2022 09:11

I've felt suicidal for months on and off. So yes, I mean it.

I have been there when i was on mat leave, I sympathise. This is what you have to do, right now:

Call in sick at work for today.
Get an emergency gp appt.
Get them to give you your anxiety medication and sign you off work.

It is not your OH's fault you are feeling like this (you heavily imply it is - that is emotional abuse if you make him feel that).

You have a dependent now, your child, so try to use that as extra motivation to do the right thing, right now. It is putting your DC's needs first. You can do it.

saveforthat · 11/04/2022 09:12

Op you sound like you are in a bad way. I'm not sure AIBU is the right place to post. I would recommend you take the adice of an earlier post and take some time off work. Best wishes

Orangutanteddy · 11/04/2022 09:12

Honestly, if you kept waking me up after I'd been up with a baby, I'd probably scream shut up in your face too.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:13

*Why wake up someone for support that you don’t find supportive? That makes no sense!

Because I remember the man he used to be and I stupidly think "maybe this time he will help me feel less alone and overwhelmed". Every single time I'm left feeling worse. I need to give it up, don't I?

OP posts:

ArtVandalay · 11/04/2022 09:13

Assuming this is not usual behaviour, yes I would forgive.

Especially as you were pretty unreasonable.

incognitoforthisone · 11/04/2022 09:14

Well, it's clearly not 'just that really', is it?

You say there is 'other stuff going on' in your relationship, so clearly you are having problems that go beyond this one incident. I don't think it's helpful to single out each individual thing that's bothering you and obsess over it. You need to look at the bigger picture and whether this sort of thing is part of a pattern and what other things are bothering you. Making a thread about this one thing, when most people won't have read, and won't seek out, your other thread about your relationship as a whole is really not going to be remotely helpful to you because you'll get people telling you you're being ridiculous over one small thing, and you will just feel terrible.

Looking at this in isolation, he was woken from sleep at a time when he was exhausted and there's already been a lot of anxiety and tension and panic and stress in the household, so yes, of course I'd forgive someone this one specific incident. But obviously if he treats you like shit as a matter of routine, then that is the problem, not the one time he didn't want to be woken up.

You also sound like you have some fairly significant mental health difficulties right now which might well be post-natal. I don't know if you're getting treatment for that but if not, please see your GP as soon as you can.

HintofVintagePink · 11/04/2022 09:14

OP this organisation is brilliant
www.home-start.org.uk/

They offer whatever support a family exactly in your situation needs. The support isn’t means tested or anything like that; they just want to help families who need it.
Please do get in touch with them. They can help with errands, arranging appointments, childcare or even just spending time with you or giving you and your partner some time together.
I know contacting them is another thing for you to organise, but I really do think they would be a lifeline for you.

UnsuitableHat · 11/04/2022 09:14

In isolation yeah I’d probably get past that, but it sounds like there’s a lot more to it.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:15

@HintofVintagePink

OP this organisation is brilliant www.home-start.org.uk/

They offer whatever support a family exactly in your situation needs. The support isn’t means tested or anything like that; they just want to help families who need it.
Please do get in touch with them. They can help with errands, arranging appointments, childcare or even just spending time with you or giving you and your partner some time together.
I know contacting them is another thing for you to organise, but I really do think they would be a lifeline for you.

Thank you

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 09:16

@SlashBeef

You need to seek further help. If you're playing these emotionally manipulative games with him then I understand even more why he's fed up. You say you're doing everything but it sounds like he is working an awful lot of the time? So would you rather he brought less money in but had more time at home? If so, tell him that. I can empathise with mental health issues, I have suffered myself but I have very little tolerance for people that use it as an excuse to be emotionally abusive to people. You need to help yourself.

They both work full time. She does all the drop offs and pick ups. She does most of the night wakes. She organises the house She does most of the other house stuff. He's getting more sleep than her and needed to get up for work and she ALSO had to be responsible for that too.

Notimeforaname · 11/04/2022 09:16

Because I remember the man he used to be and I stupidly think "maybe this time he will help me feel less alone and overwhelmed". Every single time I'm left feeling worse. I need to give it up, don't I?

OP I understand what you are saying but this really isnt his responsibility when you need medication.

He can maybe support you a bit more but ultimately you need to make sure you're getting what you need.

And anyone who's woken up when tired is likely to get snappy.

I hope you make time for getting your medication and taking care of your needs.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:16

@Mummy1608

I didn't say it was his fault. I said he makes me feel worse. And he does. And that's not emotional abuse to say that.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 09:17

@Orangutanteddy

Honestly, if you kept waking me up after I'd been up with a baby, I'd probably scream shut up in your face too.

So if you get uup with the baby yi get the next day off work?

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:17

@SleepingStandingUp

You seem to get it. Thank you.

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2022 09:18

@endofmytether22

*Why wake up someone for support that you don’t find supportive? That makes no sense!

Because I remember the man he used to be and I stupidly think "maybe this time he will help me feel less alone and overwhelmed". Every single time I'm left feeling worse. I need to give it up, don't I?

You can't expect your partner to give you professional level support.

You need to go to your doctor, request a medication review and get proper counselling - your partner can only do so much.

Mummy1608 · 11/04/2022 09:19

[quote endofmytether22]@Mummy1608

I didn't say it was his fault. I said he makes me feel worse. And he does. And that's not emotional abuse to say that. [/quote]
Op have you ignored the rest of my comment? Honestly, please, get off mumsnet and get some help. I've copied my three step checklist again so it doesn't get lost.

*1. Call in sick at work for today.

Get an emergency gp appt.
Get them to give you your anxiety medication and sign you off work.*

If you won't keep yourself well, your OH has two dependents instead of one. I would be completely overwhelmed in his position too.

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:19

OP you're clearly not in the right frame of mind to be making big decisions regarding your relationship and your future right now.

Honestly if you'd woke me twice in 3.5 hours complaining about how tough it was for you after I'd already been up with the baby I would be absolutely fuming.

Try and be a bit kinder to each other. If you were already awake could you have made him a cup of tea, woke him up and said 'hey babe, I know you've had a rough night but it's 6:30 and I don't want you to be late'.
I get that you don't feel like you're feeling like being kind when you're exhausted, struggling mentally and feel like you are being taken for granted but one of you having a nice wake up call could make all the difference to the mood for the whole day.

Then when you're both up and about you can just say 'wow that was a rough night' without the competitive tiredness.

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:19

If I'm the one taking baby to childminder (which is 99% of the time), then I get her up and ready then get myself to work. If he's doing it (which is a one off occurrence like I say - first time today), then why shouldn't he be the one to get up and get her ready? Why's that my job? I've had a little sleep as he has!

OP posts:

Original poster

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:22

@girlmom21

I didn't wake him twice to complain how tough it was.

I woke him the first time because I was in a spiral of panic and needed some support because I genuinely felt like I couldn't breathe. I woke him the second time to get up for work and sort the baby as it was his turn to do that today. On that second occasion I happened to say "I've not been back asleep since 3am, I've been really struggling with my anxiety all night". And then noticed he wasn't responding and still sort of snoring. So I said his name. No response. Said it again. He sits bolt upright suddenly and screams "shut up".

That's what happened.

OP posts:

GooglyEyeballs · 11/04/2022 09:26

@endofmytether22

Ok point taken

I should not only have been shouted at j should have had a "fuck off" added to the end

Maybe I will "fuck off" for good, like my thoughts are telling me to. Then my baby won't have a shit mother anymore and my partner won't be subjected to me.

Wow what!?!

This thread clearly hasn't gone the way you expected but this is a bit of an extreme way to respond to posters. I think you need to get some serious additional help from your doctor and rethink your priorities and put keeping up with your anxiety medication higher on the list.