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Original poster

Would you forgive a partner for screaming "shut up" in your face?

196 replies

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 07:36

Just that really.

He said it's because he's sleep deprived having been awake with the baby in the night (which he has). I also suffer from panic attacks and woke him for some support (he doesn't remember this as he was half asleep as I was talking to him/crying). This morning I tried to wake him when it was time to get the baby ready, I was saying I really struggled last night and I haven't been back asleep since 3am. He kept closing his eyes and ignoring me. So I said his name again to wake him. Then he sat up suddenly and screamed "shut up" at me.

He said I annoyed him saying his name to wake him.

Am I at fault here?

OP posts:
AuntMargo · 11/04/2022 09:51

Why did you wake him up ? Why didn't you see to the baby? You sound incredibly needy poor bloke, I feel sorry for him

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:52

OP how was your mental health when you were working part time?

I'm not suggesting you should go back part time because that's clearly where this home/life imbalance came into play but did you find things easier then or has it not made much difference?

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:54

@knittingaddict

My work situation was I returned part time in January from mat leave. I was more than happy at that point to take on more at home as I had 2-3 days per week only in work. The rest of the time I cracked on with home life and looking after baby. Last week it all changed - I had to be at work every single day (Mon-Fri), plus a couple of evenings alone as he extended his shifts, did all the drop offs and pick up, keep the household afloat with cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping etc, and then I had to also do the weekend alone too as he works every other weekend. So here we are Monday morning and I'm just bloody exhausted, haven't had any chance to actually rest.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 11/04/2022 09:55

I appreciate there’s a backstory but judging from this thread alone it’s clear to me he’s not capable of providing the level of support you think you need from him. Whether that’s through selfishness or lack of his own resilience it’s not happening.

Reeling off these lists of you do this vs he does that isn’t helpful, you’re using it combatively and (I’m not sure if it’s intentional) minimising what he does do.

What’s your expectation of him? Take over responsibility for everything, just some things, does that still work out fairly? Do you think he’s struggling himself?

From just the information in this thread and your original posed question; if I’d been living in a tense, stressful household and fumbling through navigation of my partners MH when I don’t have the tools or resources to deal with it how they want then I admit I’d probably shout at someone repeatedly saying my name to wake me up to ask something else of me. Very similar to how you describe being overwhelmed to the point you can’t manage your own needs.

I get the impression you probably need to call it a day with the relationship. I don’t know anything about him, but he’s obviously not meeting your expectations and either doesn’t want to or can’t. It sounds overwhelming to me so I think I’m leaning towards he simply can’t deal with the situation which deserves some understanding because dealing with that as a weakness and failing can affect MH too but it also means you have to accept that this is it, this is his boundary and any notion you’ve got of more isn’t going to happen.

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 09:55

@girlmom21

OP how was your mental health when you were working part time?

I'm not suggesting you should go back part time because that's clearly where this home/life imbalance came into play but did you find things easier then or has it not made much difference?

It was much better part time. I have a pending request to drop a day a week, have a meeting today with my manager to discuss this.
OP posts:
FleurDeLizz · 11/04/2022 09:56

@endofmytether22

We split the night wakings but he does do more of them than I do as he copes better than I do with sleep deprivation in general. But I take on way more than him in terms of day to day care and tasks, including childcare drop offs and pick ups and the vast majority of our life admin, housework, shopping, etc .... so it evens out.
You’ve only been working part time though until now so you should be picking up more of the household duties. Because you have the time to do it. Now that you’re both working full time it’s a good opportunity to even things up a bit.

But you really should get yourself signed off, and get more medication from the GP

EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/04/2022 09:56

You need to get some outside help with your anxiety, access self help on-line while waiting for the GP.

Your partner is absolutely exhausted too, babies are work.

Yes, I'd let it go.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 09:57

When I woke him at 6.30 I was saying to him that I hadn't managed to go back asleep and that I was really struggling. He kept his eyes closed not responding. So I said his name a few times to try to wake him. Then got shouted at and told to shut up.

I don’t condone shouting at someone but if I was just stirring at 6:30 in the morning and my eyes weren’t even open yet and someone was constantly moaning I would have shouted shut up too.

Both of you didn’t act great.
Forget about this one incident and do not bring it up again.
Instead think about how you can make things better.

Do you work?
If so could you have some sort of rota and take in turns getting up in the night?

You say your partner gives you anxiety so why are you with him?

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 09:57

I hope that meeting goes well for you OP. I think even just knowing you've got a day to yourself coming up each week will help you give yourself 'permission' to relax on an evening and unwind

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 09:57

Sorry cross posted.

Sirzy · 11/04/2022 09:58

It sounds like you working part time would be best all around. The current situation isn’t going to be tenable

knittingaddict · 11/04/2022 09:58

[quote endofmytether22]@knittingaddict

My work situation was I returned part time in January from mat leave. I was more than happy at that point to take on more at home as I had 2-3 days per week only in work. The rest of the time I cracked on with home life and looking after baby. Last week it all changed - I had to be at work every single day (Mon-Fri), plus a couple of evenings alone as he extended his shifts, did all the drop offs and pick up, keep the household afloat with cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping etc, and then I had to also do the weekend alone too as he works every other weekend. So here we are Monday morning and I'm just bloody exhausted, haven't had any chance to actually rest. [/quote]
Does he have to work weekends? If he doesn't would he be open to dropping those hours? Could you manage financially if he did? If you are as ill as it seems you are do you really have to go back to work now? Could you wait a few months?

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 10:00

Yes he has to work every other weekend as part of his contract

OP posts:
Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 10:01

He doesn't have to do all the overtime like extended shifts til 8pm etc on a week day. He chooses to do that. He never says "no" to work when they ask for extra from him. He'd rather let me down than let work down.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 11/04/2022 10:02

Does he get days off in the week? He should do.

LeedleLee · 11/04/2022 10:02

If this is unusual behaviour from him and he apologised I would forgive, yes. You're both exhausted and sleep deprived. My partner and I rarely argue but we've definitely snapped at each other when in the depths of newborn sleep deprivation.

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 10:03

Those saying get signed off, I can't. I spent my entire pregnancy signed off sick as I was hospitalised with various physical health problems, it was a horrible pregnancy. I'm worried I'll be sacked if I have any more time off

OP posts:
Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 10:04

@knittingaddict

Does he get days off in the week? He should do.

He gets occasional days yes. He tends to cram overtime into them.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/04/2022 10:07

If your as ill as your posts are suggesting then you surely can’t be well enough to work?

You can’t keep pushing in a situation like this or things just get worse

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 10:09

@Sirzy

If your as ill as your posts are suggesting then you surely can’t be well enough to work?

You can’t keep pushing in a situation like this or things just get worse

I disagree - I think having something to focus on away from home life and parenting can do wonders.
GCAcademic · 11/04/2022 10:10

@endofmytether22

He doesn't have to do all the overtime like extended shifts til 8pm etc on a week day. He chooses to do that. He never says "no" to work when they ask for extra from him. He'd rather let me down than let work down.
On your other thread, you say he’ll have to work overtime if you reduce your working week by one day? Presumably, then, he’s been working overtime because you were working 2-3 days a week until last week?
EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/04/2022 10:10

Place yourself in his shoes for a moment.

Imagine he was suffering severe anxiety with suicidal thoughts and you had to calmly listen to him while waking with the baby and working full-time, would you be stressed out?

Original poster
endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 10:13

@GCAcademic

No. I've been working 2-3 days per week and being paid full time for it because I had accrued a lot of annual leave during maternity leave, allowing me to work only 2-3 days. So his overtime wasn't needed at that time. If I drop a day per week it probably will. Which will just add pressure in another way I suppose.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 10:13

@endofmytether22

Those saying get signed off, I can't. I spent my entire pregnancy signed off sick as I was hospitalised with various physical health problems, it was a horrible pregnancy. I'm worried I'll be sacked if I have any more time off
Pregnancy related sickness does get counted as standard sickness so don't worry on that account.
DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 10:16

In this case, young baby, extreme sleep deprivation and so on, assuming he's usually good, then yes, I could get over it.

But it sounds like there's a lot more going on here.

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