Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
sunlight81 · 10/04/2022 20:11

Not a deal breaker.

We have cameras all over the home for security, and it's a semi in a rural town.

I work from home, and do nothing wrong so have no reason to worry. My hubby can look on at me any time he wants but im afraid it will be rather boring!!!

why does it bother u? U think he's spying? Are u doing something wrong to be fearful of him finding out about?

SoupDragon · 10/04/2022 20:12

I feel utterly violated

Why?

TibetanTerrah · 10/04/2022 20:15

Weird responses so far. In normal relationships if you wanted to keep an eye on the pets you would surely mention it to your partner?

If you hadn't found it you would never have known.

wrigglewriggles · 10/04/2022 20:17

@SoupDragon

I feel utterly violated

Why?

There's a difference between having a camera in the house for security reasons that all who live there know about and discovering one you weren't aware of.
Faevern · 10/04/2022 20:18

How long has it been there and has he been logging in and why does he need to watch the pets if you are home all day?

I would be furious too, one, it’s an invasion of my privacy and two he’s done it secretly. I have no desire to be spied on, or watched.

Bunty55 · 10/04/2022 20:19

So he told you what it was for and that it isn't even switched on and you feel violated

dipdye · 10/04/2022 20:20

If you hadn't found it you would never have known.

^

Could have been the point?

winterchills · 10/04/2022 20:21

I would be fuming too that he has set it up without your knowledge and potentially watching you at home without you knowing.

SistersRdoingit4themselves · 10/04/2022 20:21

I wouldn't like that at all. That doesn't sound right to me

Pinkbonbon · 10/04/2022 20:22

If it was in the bedroom I'd understand your revulsion but what's it going to have filmed in the living room? You watching a corrie omnibus eating a four pack of kitkats in your pajamas?

Unless he has form for being a creepy bastard or for accusing you of cheating or some other controlling shit, I think I'd just take him at his word for this one.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 10/04/2022 20:22

I couldn't imagine my dh setting up a camera in our home without the knowledge of the dc and me. Very shady. Is he trying to catch you with another man?

ouch321 · 10/04/2022 20:23

Would make me deeply uncomfortable.

It's not the sort of thing you'd forget, setting up cameras to watch the house.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:24

@sunlight81 it bothers me because he never told me it was there- it feels like he is spying on me - I feel really on edge now. (No, I don't have anything to hide, and wouldn't have an issue with security cameras in the house that I know about)

@soupdragon It was a real shock to find a camera hidden on top of the bookcase this morning? It feels very violating to think he's been checking in, and upsetting that he's felt the need to?

OP posts:
Lavenderlid · 10/04/2022 20:25

@sunlight81

Not a deal breaker.

We have cameras all over the home for security, and it's a semi in a rural town.

I work from home, and do nothing wrong so have no reason to worry. My hubby can look on at me any time he wants but im afraid it will be rather boring!!!

why does it bother u? U think he's spying? Are u doing something wrong to be fearful of him finding out about?

This is creepy af.
Roseglen84 · 10/04/2022 20:25

@sunlight81

Not a deal breaker.

We have cameras all over the home for security, and it's a semi in a rural town.

I work from home, and do nothing wrong so have no reason to worry. My hubby can look on at me any time he wants but im afraid it will be rather boring!!!

why does it bother u? U think he's spying? Are u doing something wrong to be fearful of him finding out about?

Surely this is totally different as you are aware the cameras are there and consented to them.

Can you seriously not see the difference between this and the OP?

Soubriquet · 10/04/2022 20:25

Yanbu!

He didn’t even tell you.

“I’m going to set up the old baby monitor to keep an eye on the pets”

He just did it on the sneak.

That to be is worrying

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2022 20:25

I wonder if a techy person could tell you if the app had been logged into.

Regardless, at some point he set it up without telling you. That would be deal-stretching if not -breaking to me.

And yes, spying is a violation. I cannot understand people who don't see that.

Lavenderlid · 10/04/2022 20:26

If you do nothing wrong you have nothing to worry about? What about privacy? Dignity?

DHsdilemma · 10/04/2022 20:28

I get why you’re upset but I’ve done exactly as your husband has. DH didn’t care but got confused when he heard the noise go for it. I spy on my dogs.

Zampa · 10/04/2022 20:28

DH did something similar for security reasons but it was in plain sight so very obvious. I said I felt uncomfortable and so he took it down.

Has yours now gone? If so, I wouldn't think anything more of it (I don't). Thinking of ending a marriage is completely OTT IMO.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 10/04/2022 20:29

Does he trust you? Does he wonder what your days are filed with?

st1cky · 10/04/2022 20:30

Me ex did this to me secretly and watched me while he was working (multiple times, despite my saying it was invasive and I didn't want it there). It's coercive controlling behaviour and I left. If there is a pattern of coercive control or abuse in your relationship then this could be a dealbreaker.

For those saying it's not that bad, have a look at some of the judgements against men who have done this to their wives as part of a pattern of control and abuse.

PeachesToday · 10/04/2022 20:30

If the relationship was good, why wouldn’t you believe him?

saraclara · 10/04/2022 20:31

@Bunty55

So he told you what it was for and that it isn't even switched on and you feel violated
He says it wasn't switched on. He's the only one with the app that switches it on, so how does OP know that's the case?
Kittykat93 · 10/04/2022 20:31

Sorry but it's complete bollocks that he forgot to tell you about the camera. He's lying. I'd feel really violated, not because I'd been doing anything wrong but because I don't like to be spied on when I am supposed to be safe in my own home.

I'd be leaving over this I think.

Swipe left for the next trending thread