Found camera in house

[Forschittssake]

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

So you have no access to your own wages from work?

An absolute crime.

@SoupDragon

I feel utterly violated

Why?

Its placed above eye level. Situated somewhere which is unlikely to be discovered during regular cleaning etc. Hooked into a permanent power source. Can be accessed remotely. Installed without discussion. If it was for "the pets" why not ever mention it even in passing.

OP you know your partner, go with your gut feeling on this. It's usually correct as it's not filtered through your logic or rationalisation.

£300 a month?

So you have £69.23 a week for food, kids, pets, you.

He's keeping you on a very very tight rein OP.

@AhNowTed

£300 a month?

So you have £69.23 a week for food, kids, pets, you.

He's keeping you on a very very tight rein OP.

Yes I quite agree! And the fact that you have to hide any clothes you buy because are worried about the repercussions, says it all!

I bet he is a high earner as well.

@Forschittssake please start to set up a separate account for your wages to be transferred to.

Jeez.
You need women's aid, and to line up ducks. He's clearly capable of hugely deceitful and manipulative behaviour. You need to try and be clever about this.

I'd consider some pretty extreme steps, I think.

Since you have the cards and pins for the savings account, you can check the balance at an ATM.

@HirplesWithHaggis

Since you have the cards and pins for the savings account, you can check the balance at an ATM.

Go into the bank and ask for a print out of any accounts.

You need to be getting organised.

She may have to pay for printouts. The ATM can give you the last five or so transactions for free.

If you have the pin to the savings account start drawing out cash from an atm and put it into an account in your own name.

And have your wages paid into that account.

So where do your wages currently get paid into? His account? That’s really shit, OP.

Oh OP.. I know you must feel blindsided right now, but please, try hard not to minimise this (or let him do so either!)

The financial abuse alone is appalling, without everything else on top. What a bastard.

There are things that kids, especially girls, should be thought in school but they are not. Things like, what is abuse and what shapes it can take. Reading your post about finances was hard for me as I was reliving my own first fifteen years of marriage. My ex insisted we had a joint account and then he controlled it, because he was self proclaimed “finance expert”. For years I had no idea what was going on there. Mind you I did not even ask. At first, I trusted him, 100% and later I simply could not work up the courage to ask because that would imply that I did not trust him. I too had to ask for permission to use money, the receipts would be checked item by item and each expense questioned by him. Oh God, I could write a book about this, sorry this will be long post. It took fifteen years for me to regain control and I did it after he accidentally admitted to have invested money that he borrowed and then lost half (that is what he told me but I never know how much exactly) that I insisted we opened each personal account and used joint only for utilities, so that I can have more control over our finances.

We are all raised to think that marriage has to be preserved at all costs. Sure, if you husband is beating you, drinking or gambling you may consider divorce. Even if he cheated, maybe you can forgive him and “work it out”. Suck it up for the sake of the kids. But there are all sorts of problems a marriage may have, and they are often subtle, not “into your face” enough for us to even consider thinking about leaving, let alone doing it. More often than physical abuse, especially nowadays I think, a relationship may be poisoned by financial abuse, mental and emotional and they hurt equally. In fact, this kind of abuse changes you, destroys you from the inside out, your confidence, your ability to think, make decisions, even love.

You say you did not realize certain toxic behavior until you started thinking about it. It is because no one ever told you to look for it. To watch for it. When you get married people will tell you to love one another, to care for one another, to trust and support, so that is what we do. Until we realize that this is not what the other person is doing. While we were watching out for him, he was watching out for himself. People here on this thread keep saying, you have to trust your husband, I say you cannot trust anyone hundred percent. Trusting someone makes you vulnerable. I think it is high time you start thinking only about you. Start writing down everything that was ever odd, that you instinctively felt was wrong but could not explain, talk to your friends honestly, they will point things out to you that you never may notice yourself. Be strong and brave. Take care of yourself and keep posting OP.

The more I read OP, the more I'm concerned for you.

@LittleEsme

The more I read OP, the more I'm concerned for you.

My thoughts exactly.

The fact that he returned home and asked if:

you were going to sleep on the sofa or with one of the DC

Tells you that he expects the matter to be dropped, that YOU are the issue and that HE will dictate where YOU will sleep.

Any remorseful person, would bend over backwards to make amends.

do you get child tax credit and does that go into the same account?

Jesus, the money stuff is really bad. I think he’s really worked hard to get you under his control. The lies about kids sleep show how conniving he can be. God knows how he’s worked to convince you that controlling your own wages, giving you a very tight budget from them for household spending, and not actually letting you have full access to any accounts is normal.

I think he's very slowly taken control and you're waking up now. His hand was overplayed because you found the camera. But the account stuff is very very had.

The child benefit is into my account. He isn't a high earner, no. Much better than recent years but with us both working full time we're around 50k annually.

He's told me not to make this about finances as its me who said my salary will be paid into joint account (true, I felt bad that his went into joint and mine didn't) that I have asked for him to do all finances because I'm crap with money (this is true, but I never expected to have to request money or hide purchases?) He's said he has adapted and changed as a person to support me and what I need, and now I'm saying he is controlling.

Thankfully I'm in work tonight, my head feels full of cotton wool.

His parents have also turned everything on me after I asked them for support. They have said (as has "D"H) that if I need space then j need to make my own space. In DhS words I can't expect him to leave his house and kids. Yet he expects me to, when none of this would be happening if he hadn't put a stupid fucking camera up, along with the other shite that I was previously eye rolling at and brushing off.

He has also now said that it isn't fair I'm looking back over the past 5 years (this has all really started after DS1) but I've highlighted to him that while I may have been fine and grateful at the time, now I'm looking at it all as one big jigsaw, not individual pieces, the picture isn't pretty at all.

He just isn't getting where I'm coming from at all. He's giving me no reason for the camera other than "for security I forgot about it" which is bullshit. We have no need for a security camera, we haven't needed one in all the years we have lived in the house. We have no need to suddenly need one. And the fucking cats don't need one either.

It's all bullshit and I could scream with frustration.

Yep, my husband done this too, he put one in our bedroom, it was 'live', thankfully.

It wasn't because he didn't trust me, he does. He wanted to see me undress and watch me do personal stuff on myself like tampons etc. I think he is secret pervert. I was horrified, he just brushed it off like it was nothing.

And I recently discovered he most likely a narcissist!

You don't need to convince him, or persuade him, @Forschittssake . I think it's clear that he will twist whatever you say to suit his agenda- DARVO. Deny, accuse, reverse victim/offender.

You don't need to explain your concern. You just need to list all the behaviours that are controlling and coercive. They speak for themselves.

He doesn't seem to be giving any hint of apology, or recognising how distressing and scary this must be for you. Just 'don't be silly, little woman, I know best'.

@Okaynevermind what the fuck, that is not OK