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Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
HardRockOwl · 10/04/2022 21:10

Huh? So he also tells you he's sorting the children in the night and you're so fast asleep you don't wake up? But this is bullshit because his watch data showed he's actually sleeping?

Oh come on now

AnnaSW1 · 10/04/2022 21:11

He totally should have told you it was there. Seems more likely he was spying on you

user1471442488 · 10/04/2022 21:12

I’m sorry but some people here are off their fucking heads. Who in their right mind thinks this is ok? It’s a massive breach of trust, not to mention tremendously creepy.

Northernsoullover · 10/04/2022 21:14

I wouldn't ever be caught with anyone. I'm no cheater. I'd probably be caught excavating my nostrils (with a tissue I might add) performing lavish raised leg farts, and eating like an actual pig. None of which I would ever do in company. Its definitely a violation.

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 21:15

Shocked at some of these responses. The bastard has been spying on you ans has lied about it, and he’s also lying about rhe kids. What an utter creep.

I’m not sure I could come back from it op.

saraclara · 10/04/2022 21:16

I asked him to get his sleep data up off his smartwatch "gosh that's really bad, it's shows I'm asleep when I've been up with them, worrying that I'm asleep when I'm sorting them!"

What on earth is going on with this man?

This is getting freakish.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:17

@hardrockowl - yes, because surely the watch would show when he was awake? So I wanted to see if there was a pattern to the times they are supposedly waking, and if its one waking the other up, so we could address that with relocating their beds, rooms etc.

OP posts:
MyCatIsAFuckwit · 10/04/2022 21:18

He forgot to tell you about it - bullshit
It was to watch the pets - bullshit
It wasn't switched on - bullshit

movingon2022 · 10/04/2022 21:18

I cannot believe that some people here think this is acceptable. And the one saying she would "trust" her husband with his explanation!?. This is a major breach of trust. You cannot trust somebody who did something like this in secret. If it was your first door neighbor you would have called police by now, wouldn't you? I cannot think of the reason why he might have put it there but I would be outraged at this and no explanation would be good enough, especially not the bs one about watching pets.

I am not saying you should leave your husband over this OP but I would not just accept it and move on.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 10/04/2022 21:19

He is awake with the kids at night - more bullshit

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 21:20

No I’d not accept it either. No way. That camera was hidden, that wasn’t to watch the pets. It was to watch you.

And he is lying about the children. I can’t work out why he’s lying about the kids, but he is.

Something is very wrong with him.

Feckaffoutofit · 10/04/2022 21:21

If he did set it up to watch you then that is creepy. Really f'ing creepy. Do not let people tell you it should only be a problem if you have something to hide.

How plausible is it that he was watching the pets. Do the pets get left alone? Has he mentioned being curious as to what they are up to? Did he need to hide the camera from the pets? Only you know if you believe him or not.

movingon2022 · 10/04/2022 21:21

@Babadook76

I can’t believe there’s people on here pretending like they think this is acceptable! It’s an absolutely disgusting violation of boundaries. You don’t hide cameras in your house without even mentioning it to your family. Like fuck was it to watch the pets. If my oh told me he was setting up cameras in the house whether it be for pet or security reasons, I’d tell him to get to fuck. And doesn’t matter if the op was ‘just watching Corrie eating crisps’, everyone behaves differently when we know we’re being watched. For all we know he’s watched the op doing anything from sitting there picking her nose, scratching her fanny, to having a wank or having private conversations. I’d be insisting he hands his phone over to check for any saved footage op
This!!!

And I would never want to have a security camera set up in my living room. The room is my sanctuary and I want to be comfortable to do whatever the heck I want in there in the privacy of my home.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:22

Appreciate all the comments from all points of view, it's been really helpful. Not a thing to LTB over, but something to have a very firm conversation about. Thanks everyone Smile

OP posts:
CurlyCabbage · 10/04/2022 21:22

Why would you need to hide the camera to watch the pets?

Perfectlystill · 10/04/2022 21:22

I think the fact you are horrified about it says all you need to know.

I trust DH 100pc and vice versa. This week I turned the camera that normally looks at the dog's bed to give a view of the whole kitchen. Because we're away and it will be nice to see the whole room to check we haven't been burgled/flooded whatever. I haven't yet told DH as it's boring and we've been too busy going away. I suppose there's a chance I may totally forget to tell him, and then we could end up in a situation like you.

But I know DH wouldn't care if he stumbled across it next week or month.

Our relationship sounds a bit more open than yours though.

Can you look at the app on his phone to see when he's accessed it?

saraclara · 10/04/2022 21:23

@CurlyCabbage

Why would you need to hide the camera to watch the pets?
That's what I was thinking. It could be put anywhere.
Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:24

The pets are 2 cats, one is an utter twat cat in all fairness, but we've managed without a camera for 6 years and he hasn't set the place on fire yet.

OP posts:
Squeezyhug · 10/04/2022 21:24

Him claiming to be up a lot with the kids when he’s clearly been asleep is just gaslighting !

This would make the camera a deal breaker for me as it’s just another form of controlling behaviour.
I think he’s lying about the camera ( he’s spying on you) just as he lied about being up with the kids.

Creepy and sinister !

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 21:24

He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

This confirms it’s about you. Why would he say he trusts you? Normal reaction would be don’t be daft why would I want to watch you layin on the sofa babe. But he’s bringing up trust. So hes telling you that’s what’s in his mind. He doesn’t trust you and he’s been secretly watching you.

saraclara · 10/04/2022 21:25

@Perfectlystill your DH knows that the camera is there. Moving it slightly and forgetting to mention it is very different from setting a camera up in a hidden place and 'forgetting' to even tell one's spouse of its existence.

Kona84 · 10/04/2022 21:26

I have a Fitbit and wake 4-5 times a night to feed my baby, my Fitbit shows I got 7hrs uninterrupted sleep my Fitbit lies.
Could you have asked your children why they are waking up in the night?

whynotwhatknot · 10/04/2022 21:27

Why would he need to watch the cats when youre there all day

glebaisaword · 10/04/2022 21:32

Forgive me for massively reaching, but there was a thread not too long ago where the husband was possibly trying to set up the wife to look like she was an unfit mother with custody and splitting in mind. It made me think could it be something like that? So he's setting the scene with 'she doesn't even wake up for the kids at night! I'm the real parent here!' And then with the camera hoping to catch you out slobbing around instead of doing whatever you are 'meant' to do, or with another man, or overhearing gossip moaning about the kids/slagging him off with friends and so on? Obvs that could have been a fake post, so apologies if this suggestion is upsetting, but that's where my mind went to reading your post.

My ex used to do the whole blaming me for not waking up with the kids. It was always lies, in fact I would always be the one awake with them, but he now still says it making out like he was always 'on duty' at night and it's his excuse for being a neglectful parent all the rest of the time. I knew it was lies as I'm the lightest sleeper in the world, but it makes you question yourself and question your sanity. That's why your update struck a chord with me. That gaslighting became part of a pattern of coercive control and emotional abuse which was clear once I put all the pieces together and had my eyes opened. There may be other things he's doing OP that you just haven't thought to question. Be careful. I hope you have people who can support you IRL.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:33

@Kona84 that's good to know, thank you - one doesn't yet talk and the other doesn't recall waking up.

OP posts:
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