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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
Afrodizzyak · 10/04/2022 21:34

This is odd. Odd behaviour deserves you to be suspicious.

bluebaul · 10/04/2022 21:38

All these cool wives suggesting it's normal for an adult to set up a camera to spy on someone Hmm

It's not ok OP, and you know it. I'm sorry Thanks

LostBa · 10/04/2022 21:39

WiFi baby camera? Honestly I must live in another world - thank God.

But what OP is saying is that he moved the camera to the living room "for the pets" without telling you. He said its not even been turned on. Why move it then? Bonkers. Intrusive. You are being filmed in your own home without your consent. Gross is the understatement. Disgusting.

I swear to God when I read this kinda stuff I'm sooooooooooooooooooo glad I'm single.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:39

@glebaisaword that has made me feel sick to my stomach, if that's his intention he is going to be disappointed. Also, he knows I use mumsnet so I doubt he would post on here.

I will keep an extra eye out to see if anything else is concerning.

OP posts:
konasana · 10/04/2022 21:39

Honestly... this is the sort of thing I'd do on a sudden security-conscious whim and then forget about. But context, background, and the state of the relationship are very relevant!

LostBa · 10/04/2022 21:41

P.S. If you can check if its been actually turned on - technicallky - it might help clarify more if he's lying twice?

But honestly, a camera in my living room without my knowledge or consent - you are right to be furious.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/04/2022 21:44

So he’s lied about getting up in the night, and he’s been spying on you ? Very weird, I’d feel very uncomfortable with him.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/04/2022 21:45

Remember the lady who found a spy camera in a picture frame in her bedroom, and she called the police ?
You need to find out what spy cameras look like so you can have a good look around the house.

LostBa · 10/04/2022 21:45

More than furious. In your own home is your (only) place of safety, in theory - these days. Not being observed. Not being recorded. Without your permission. Total creep, sorry. Don't believe the pets/I forgot excuse.

LostBa · 10/04/2022 21:46

And, not only am I single, I would think twice before letting any man in my house ever!

Teesht · 10/04/2022 21:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

dworky · 10/04/2022 21:49

@sunlight81

Not a deal breaker.

We have cameras all over the home for security, and it's a semi in a rural town.

I work from home, and do nothing wrong so have no reason to worry. My hubby can look on at me any time he wants but im afraid it will be rather boring!!!

why does it bother u? U think he's spying? Are u doing something wrong to be fearful of him finding out about?

Cameras that you're aware of! Do you really not recognise the difference?
Franklyfrost · 10/04/2022 21:49

Is the concern with the sleeping thing that he’s lying about getting up or delusional and thinks he has woken up?

Is he normally forgetful?
Is he the type of person to watch his pet on cctv? How did he envision that working exactly? Would he go to work and watch the cat and speak to it if it misbehaved? Does he often have stupid ideas?

I’d be really worried if my partner put a camera up without telling me because it would be totally out of character. He hates the idea of being monitored and assumes I hate it too.

What is your partners take on cctv in general? Do you have cameras elsewhere? Does he check your phone or read your emails? There must be an app which lets you see phone activity, you could leave yours out and then check if he’s snooped. That would let you know if he’s monitoring you in other ways.

LostBa · 10/04/2022 21:51

Take it to a "tekkie" expert. Find out if he's been "checking in" via wifi, whatever.

myceliumama · 10/04/2022 21:53

There was a thread on here a while back. One of the most horrific things I've ever read. A woman posted about how her OH has been gaslighting her about things happening the night, how she'd slept through it. Then she found cameras on the WiFi I think it was and realised he was drugging her and sexually abusing her in the night while she slept. He's convinced her she's slept through the kids dreams, then that she has dreamed/unaided the abuse. She suspected something really bad and went into his laptop and found he had been sharing images of her naked in bed etc while she was unconscious. He had a while folded and an account of a forum for dirty perverts to share photos of their victims.

Please be careful op. What he has done is illegal.

duskyspringfield · 10/04/2022 21:54

Dealbreaker…

saraclara · 10/04/2022 21:54

@Teesht

Gosh this normalising of filming everything in the home is so Orwellian. Only you can say if it is a deal breaker. My husband would never do it and if he did I would question everything I know about him.

Filming you without consent is NEVER okay, whether you're making a cup of tea or getting naked. None of it's okay.

I was horrified by a thread where someone discovered (by accident) that their friends had cameras running when they were visiting. There were so many posters who thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with having active cameras around the house that guests didn't know about.

As you say, this blind acceptance and normalising of having one's actions and conversation recorded is pretty scary. Filming known people in your home is entirely different from anonymous CCTV in towns.
Of course all those people said things like "oh it's not like we'd actually watch the recordings. Why would we?" and we're all supposed to believe that.

If I found that a friend was recording me when I visited, I'd never go back.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:56

@Franklyfrost my concern is that when he's been saying it, I've felt awful for not hearing the kids, and that it's all been on him. I'm pissed off because it appears he's been lying about it, goodness knows why, and I guess this is why I'm even more furious about the camera situation.

Not normally forgetful. He doesn't seem phased about cctv, I can't say it's been a subject we've gone into outside of "perhaps we should get a ring doorbell, or some security cameras front and back"

I have never suspected him of checking my phone, and have never checked his.

OP posts:
Fruby · 10/04/2022 21:57

This would freak me out abit tbh. There should never be cameras set up without all members of the household being aware

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:58

@myceliumama

There was a thread on here a while back. One of the most horrific things I've ever read. A woman posted about how her OH has been gaslighting her about things happening the night, how she'd slept through it. Then she found cameras on the WiFi I think it was and realised he was drugging her and sexually abusing her in the night while she slept. He's convinced her she's slept through the kids dreams, then that she has dreamed/unaided the abuse. She suspected something really bad and went into his laptop and found he had been sharing images of her naked in bed etc while she was unconscious. He had a while folded and an account of a forum for dirty perverts to share photos of their victims.

Please be careful op. What he has done is illegal.

Good god, this is awful.
OP posts:
Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 21:59

@myceliumama

There was a thread on here a while back. One of the most horrific things I've ever read. A woman posted about how her OH has been gaslighting her about things happening the night, how she'd slept through it. Then she found cameras on the WiFi I think it was and realised he was drugging her and sexually abusing her in the night while she slept. He's convinced her she's slept through the kids dreams, then that she has dreamed/unaided the abuse. She suspected something really bad and went into his laptop and found he had been sharing images of her naked in bed etc while she was unconscious. He had a while folded and an account of a forum for dirty perverts to share photos of their victims.

Please be careful op. What he has done is illegal.

That poor woman 😢
OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 10/04/2022 22:01

Op, I don't understand this:

I asked him to get his sleep data up off his smartwatch "gosh that's really bad, it's shows I'm asleep when I've been up with them, worrying that I'm asleep when I'm sorting them

What does this mean? He's worried that he's sleep walking and has been attending to the dc in the night while asleep??!

This all sounds insane. He sounds like a creepy fucker who's also lying and gaslighting you.

feministqueen · 10/04/2022 22:01

I would be livid. Being spied on is not part of the deal in a relationship. Unplug it and Chuck it away.

LostBa · 10/04/2022 22:02

Is it arrogance? His house, he can record what he likes, doesn't need to consult or tell you, after all you're just part of the furniture like the pets?

I would be beyond livid, it all sounds dodgy for those reasons, not even getting into the psycho-possibilities.

But whether a break-up thing or not, is for you to decide. I'd still pursue the tekkie route - find out how often it had been checked and for how long. I'd spend £100s on that question, might explain more. Thats the P.I. in me though.

saraclara · 10/04/2022 22:08

I think I'd secretly set up the camera on the landing to see if he really does get up to the kids. See how he likes it when you've proof that he doesn't.

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