Found camera in house

[Forschittssake]

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

Do you have support IRL, OP?

Have you asked that your 'joint' account be officially put into both your names and that you are re-issued with a debit card that gives both your names?

Yes @picklemewalnuts.

Because I am now stonewalling to his stonewalling and sleeping in the lounge due his most recent outburst just 3 days ago, longest stonewalling yet. It was over my comment to him in the kitchen I said "You are getting a bit more bossy." He was deciding what the family eat without giving us any options. He hurled abused and screamed "I am divorcing you in 3 years!" in my face, I put my hand up "No, I don't want hear it, stop it, go away, leave me alone, am tired of this." Our daughter was there in the kitchen too, he doesn't care if the kids see it. Then he screamed "I will throw out all the lounge's furniture if you sleep in the lounge. I said "I am sorry. You know I can't share a bed if you plan to divorce me." I still moved into the lounge anyway, he didn't do anything to the furniture.

His stonewalling this time is even more severe, he leaves the room if I enter it. I am still stonewalling him back, doing good so far. I cannot think of a way to solve this, it's impossible. I think he might be looking to end the marriage? He is deliberately pushing me into an impossible corner by asking me to give my body to him while divorcing me. He knows I won't do it, unless he breaks me. He can go and f off.

@picklemewalnuts he has apologised, but he isn't addressing anything at all. I can't really work with "im forgot about it, I'm sorry"? Because with everything else and having this issue previously, I can't brush it away by accepting "im sorry"

Im glad he is apologising, but it doesn't make right what he has done and does nothing in helping my trust of him unfortunately.

Unless I am being a cow and I should let it go and forget about it? Although I have considered that many times and my gut instinct isn't in agreement.

@LittleEsme yes lots of real life support from friends thankfully. I can't quite explain how blindsided and wrong footed I feel, I feel sure this must not actually be happening. But then the evidence is before me and I'm just mind blown.

Sorry if this has been said, but it just leapt into my mind after your post at 10am. You wfh in the evenings, plus he wants to paint you as an incompetent mother with the night waking stuff. Is there a reason he would want to monitor where you are in relation to where he and the kids are in the evenings and at night time and also a reason he wants you to doubt his/your behaviour overnight with the kids. Sorry to be so dark op. But it's what jumped to mind.

Plus just reading your later posts about how "you need to make your own space" aka move out is ringing HUGE alarm bells

@StormyWaterCloud I work out of the house of an evening, have done since the start of the year (was WFH prior to that)

You have a right to feel how you do. He is trying (and is also engaging his flying monkeys- his parents), to back you into a corner and force you to accept this behaviour and pitiful explanation.

People like him will only increase this behaviour and become more covert at doing it.

Get your wages transferred into your own account now.

Keep talking to your friends (as they seem to have the measure of him) and WA.

Keep posting.

If he is only giving you £300 a month for all your expenses for you and the children, a good move would be opening another bank account for your wages in your name only, and speak to a solicitor, or Women’s Aid, Citizens Advice. If your h refuses you access to the family savings, accuses you of being a useless parent, instals covert cameras in your home without your knowledge and then gives the responses you detail, I’m afraid I’d be making alternative plans….and I definitely would NOT trust him.

I can't believe he gives you 300 a month for food etc seriously

Get your wages into your account
Ask for login details of joint account. His reaction will tell you a great deal

All sounds awful awful awful. Not surprised you're feeling blindsided. That will pass. You do need to take back some semblance of personal vpower here

Regardless of the crap he's saying, you already see it, and you can't unsee it I'm afraid.

OK, so he's refusing to leave ? Then you make the changes that you CAN do right now.

Change where your wages are paid into, but DON'T tell him. Make up an excuse about their banking going wrong for some reason, and simply keep saying 'work have told me it'll be sorted soon'.
Ensure he keeps putting the £300 in the bank for you, and ask him for more to cover anything you can think of e.g the washing machine's broken, so you need money for a repair (anything you can think of to get some cash behind you)

Put a lock on your bedroom door, so you can lock him out of it. Tell him to sleep on the sofa !

See a solicitor about your rights to the money in his accounts, and to formally say you've 'separated', but are co-habiting for now. You're looking to find out how you can prevent him from hiding all the savings etc from you.

Ignore all the flying monkeys whose sole interest is in 'not rocking the boat', THEY don't have to bloody LIVE with him controlling them and spying on them, do they ?

Never trust the in-laws. ExH's were all 'call me mum' 'we love you as a daughter' but as soon as there was trouble they closed ranks. Of course.

I agree that you work on the practicalities. Get the log-ins, change the passwords on your stuff. Sweep the house and your electronics for cameras, key-loggers and the like. Get your money into your account. Talk to a lawyer.

How are things going @Forschittssake?

Check in with us if you can OP. This thread has been playing on my mind a bit. Hope you're ok.

If the accounts are joint you can go to the bank and get your login set up and a card. I’d be doing this ASAP.

So hope you’re ok @Forschittssake

Someone doing all the finances isn't necessarily a sign they are a bad person or controlling....but I think you know in your heart that something wasn't right and the camera confirmed it. It's probably a lot of things over the years that have made you feel uncomfortable.

When I read your post, I assumed that his filming was one of the following -

a) He suspects you of having an affair
b) He's a voyeur and gets sexually titllated by the thought of filming or viewing you without your permission. With that though, it's likely he would have tried to fit a camera in the bathroom or bedroom
c) He's a control freak. He's the type of person that needs to know everything that happens everywhere in his home, down to the last tiny detail. He gets a sense of satisfaction when he feels that he's scrutinised everything, that everything is to his exact requirements. It eases his anxiety to feels like he has control, and that means that he needs to observe everything that goes on.