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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
PupInAPram · 11/04/2022 05:50

@Catupatree123

I'd also wonder if it had been used in any other rooms without my knowledge
Yep, I'd be checking every room for concealed cameras. Your husband is not right. Protect yourself!
Original poster
Forschittssake · 11/04/2022 05:50

It was pointing across the living room.

OP posts:
Dairymilk50 · 11/04/2022 05:55

@Thehundredthnamechange

Confused wouldn't be a delabreaker for me at all! Not even close. I don't think I'd be remotely phased by this, if my husband said he put it up to check on the pets, I'd believe him. Absolutely no reason not to. And he has no reason to want to spy on me. If I was in your shoes, the conversation would have gone like this: Me: What's this camera doing here? DH: I put it up to watch the pets Me: Oh. Good idea. Moves on with day and never thinks about it again
How many people have pet cameras in the living room? What are the benefits?

Do you not think it's odd her DH couldn't show her the times the kids were waking VIA his watch...?

Sorry OP. But you would know if your kids were waking up FFS wise up!

NoCauseRebel · 11/04/2022 06:06

What are you doing that horrified you so much that DH might see?! why is it that people should only demand privacy and trust if they have something to hide?

Why is it wrong for them to feel violated when they’re apparently doing nothing wrong? And if they feel violated, then they should have to admit to being guilty of something? Riiight.

It’s entirely acceptable to not want to be watched without your knowledge. Even if you’re doing nothing wrong. It really is.

People who think that their dh’s should be allowed to spy on them without their knowledge need to raise their standards. Because watching someone without their knowledge is spying.

OP I have been there and it was the tip of the iceberg. I then discovered bugging devices, (actually if it’s a baby monitor it presumably also has sound?) he’d put keyloggers on my computer, tracked my phone on Find my iPhone, logged into all my social media (I didn’t have anything to hide so my passwords were totally known to him,) I only realised what he was doing when he dropped into conversation something which he would only have known if he’d been watching/listening to me. I instantly changed all my passwords, and he is now my ex. But 11 years on I am still paranoid that someone could be watching me. You just don’t get over that sort of thing, even if you’ve done nothing wrong.

This notion that someone shouldn’t be worried if they haven’t done anything wrong is classic victim blaming.

Why not reverse that. If OP hasn’t done anything wrong then her DH shouldn’t feel the need to spy on her.

Midlifemusings · 11/04/2022 06:20

The watches don't catch every wake-up but they would catch it if he is getting up and walking to the kids room and then walking back to bed.

Can you ask him to log into his account - explain you are still confused as to what he was looking at and why he wouldn't have told you about being filmed in your own home.

I can see fiddling with a camera one day while at home alone - maybe thinking about security and trying out different locations and then forgetting to say something - but only if he never turned it on or used it. It is absolutely a violation to be secretely filmed in your own home.

LoudSnoringDog · 11/04/2022 06:34

This would freak me out.

Thehundredthnamechange · 11/04/2022 06:55

"How many people have pet cameras in the living room? What are the benefits?"

I know multiple people who have a special app set up to check on their pets throughout the day! It's not at all rare.

Lengokengo · 11/04/2022 06:58

Do you work? If you are a SAHM he might want to catch you out ‘not parenting’. My guess is he didn’t doesn’t want to do parenting in his ‘free’ time, so is building up a case for you doing it all. Either ‘I do loads, but you are asleep’ or ‘you don’t do any when I’m not there’. Could be completely wrong of course!

Whatalovelydaffodil · 11/04/2022 07:05

@Thehundredthnamechange

"How many people have pet cameras in the living room? What are the benefits?"

I know multiple people who have a special app set up to check on their pets throughout the day! It's not at all rare.

Watching your pets on camera is a "need" created by advertising. There is no actual need for it.

And how can the husband watch the dogs if the camera is switched off?

AgentJohnson · 11/04/2022 07:06

What the fuck is wrong with people!!!!! If you are home during the day what possibly could be happening in the living room that necessitated the placement of a security camera? Your feelings are completely valid and he was bang out of order!

timeisnotaline · 11/04/2022 07:09

You must have very smart pets if he felt the need to hide the pet camera so they don’t see it Hmm

Dairymilk50 · 11/04/2022 07:09

@Thehundredthnamechange

"How many people have pet cameras in the living room? What are the benefits?"

I know multiple people who have a special app set up to check on their pets throughout the day! It's not at all rare.

Alright brain box. But PERHAPS multiple people discussed it first/mentioned it to OK it with theor partner BEFOREHAND.

What about the rest??? Because OP could well be in danger...there's nothing to say there's not other hidden cameras... around the house.

Given that OPS dh is lying about the getting up with kids... or is that OK too? Hmm

MsJinks · 11/04/2022 07:13

I have cameras around my mum’s house due to carers - everyone knows they’re there including mum and care co, they are not hidden either - but in a few instances the carers have looked around for them in one room and missed them before doing whatever it is they shouldn’t. However, it sounds more like baby monitor was available so he just had a thought about what it could do and used it rather than went out and got some so hopefully just the one. I’m not sure it’s even for you but probably not the pets - you might do that if they’re left alone or just really really love to be able to see them?
I don’t like needing the cameras and no one likes having them - even those doing nothing wrong - it is an invasion of privacy and it’s ridiculous for a husband/wife to be fine about it if they’re doing nothing wrong.
Re the waking up - I would sleep through Armageddon- but not through my kids and even not through my grandkids I learned though I was worried about that first time babysitting overn.
Could he be getting up for some other reason but leaving watch off and hoping you don’t notice - but in case you do notice start saying kids are up? This is more blatant a lie than the camera. If you’re a nice person and want to maintain the relationship then I’d discuss with him about setting the monitor up in the kids room so you can see what’s going on with them causing them to wake. May be he just likes you to think he’s amazing and hands on 🤷🏼‍♀️
It’s just awful wondering whether you’re right or wrong about strange things - but honestly it does all sound a bit off - take care of yourself OP.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 11/04/2022 07:14

Not a SAHM, I work just shy of full time working evenings.

OP posts:
spaceman1 · 11/04/2022 07:36

This is so creepy.

saraclara · 11/04/2022 07:47

@Forschittssake

Not a SAHM, I work just shy of full time working evenings.
But you're home through the daytime, so there's no reason for your DH to need to check on the pets (is the point I presume people are making).
cunningartificer · 11/04/2022 08:28

It's hard without more context. As past posters have said I can imagine someone thinking it was a good idea to set up a pet cam then never getting round to actually logging in and so forgetting to tell you, I can imagine a smartwatch doesn't always record accurately (or that getting up once to the kids when you're asleep becomes in his head doing it all the time), but only you know if this is feasible. If this was my husband, there's no way I'd be thinking of leaving, but that's no help to you. If the relationship's solid, then everyone telling you it's ok may be right, if it's not, those telling you it's a warning sign are right. You're really in the best place to know whether this is part of a jigsaw or not. To be honest from your reaction it sounds as though you suspect there's more to it.

AlisonDonut · 11/04/2022 08:41

@cunningartificer

It's hard without more context. As past posters have said I can imagine someone thinking it was a good idea to set up a pet cam then never getting round to actually logging in and so forgetting to tell you, I can imagine a smartwatch doesn't always record accurately (or that getting up once to the kids when you're asleep becomes in his head doing it all the time), but only you know if this is feasible. If this was my husband, there's no way I'd be thinking of leaving, but that's no help to you. If the relationship's solid, then everyone telling you it's ok may be right, if it's not, those telling you it's a warning sign are right. You're really in the best place to know whether this is part of a jigsaw or not. To be honest from your reaction it sounds as though you suspect there's more to it.
The context is that she is married to a lying creep.
DoctorManhattan · 11/04/2022 08:49

I can’t fathom setting up a camera of any kind in our house without telling my wife about it.

Setting one up to watch pets? It’s feasible (though unlikely in this scenario given you’re home a lot of the day) but as pets will have absolutely no idea what it is, it could obviously sit in a visible place in clear view. If this one was placed in an extremely discreet position on the bookshelf I’d be wondering why.

Personally, I think he’s full of shit.

Most modern cameras with apps keep a log (for security) of logins, I know the ones I’ve set up previously in the course of my job do. I’d be asking to see these - if he’s only checking on the pets then once or twice per day would be reasonable, if he’s logging in constantly then that would hammer home that he has an obsessive and possessive need to monitor you and not the pets.

Is it live view only or does it also record? And does it record audio? I’d be wary also that he’s been trying to hear any conversations you may have in the course of a day.

AlisonDonut · 11/04/2022 08:56

He definitely seems to be setting the OP up in some way, brainwashing her into thinking she isn't a fit mother as she doesn't get up in the night and recording her during the day.

internetpersonme · 11/04/2022 08:58

@user1471442488

I’m sorry but some people here are off their fucking heads. Who in their right mind thinks this is ok? It’s a massive breach of trust, not to mention tremendously creepy.
Exactly my thoughts its sickening
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/04/2022 08:59

@Kittykat93

Sorry but it's complete bollocks that he forgot to tell you about the camera. He's lying. I'd feel really violated, not because I'd been doing anything wrong but because I don't like to be spied on when I am supposed to be safe in my own home.

I'd be leaving over this I think.

Me too.
Dairymilk50 · 11/04/2022 10:01

@AlisonDonut

He definitely seems to be setting the OP up in some way, brainwashing her into thinking she isn't a fit mother as she doesn't get up in the night and recording her during the day.
Absolutely this. I'm glad you pointed this out. Cameras for the cats? It's F**King madness.

I would be checking, phones and emails TOGETHER I would demand passwords.

Franklyfrost · 11/04/2022 10:17

The camera was put there to spy on you. He’d have to have a very intense interest in the cats to want to watch them during the day. Even if you accept the ridiculous idea that he has a secret cat obsession and the unlikely idea that he forgot to tell you when he installed the camera he would have plenty of reminders to tell you he had installed the camera because each time he watched it to see the cats he would have the prompt to send you a message to let you know you were being watched. The cat thing is a lie.

Can you think of other signs, either of interest in what you do when he’s out or jealousy or voyeurism?

elephantmarchingin · 11/04/2022 10:21

We had DS old baby monitor which I plugged in downstairs to keep an eye on the pets when we were out/when we went away (automatic feeders etc) I did it in the morning and by the time DH got home I'd forgotten about it it's only when we went to go away for the night I remembered and told him. It wasn't creepy and I didn't log in to spy on him!

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