Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:33

You turn it on via the app - it was plugged in so can be accessed and viewed any time. So it's irrelevant about it not being on (and if so, it's a fairly useless security camera if it's turned off)

I'm really not sure what he's expecting to see.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 10/04/2022 20:33

@SoupDragon

I feel utterly violated

Why?

Erm because she’s been filmed without her knowledge or consent for god knows how long?!
Regularsizedrudy · 10/04/2022 20:34

This would be a dealbreaker for me. You don’t just “forget” to tell someone you are filming them Hmm

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:35

@Zampa yes it's gone, and that's really helpful thank you, I need the reality check.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2022 20:36

At some point when he put it there, he didn't immediately forget about it. So he was switching it on at some point and didn't 'forget' to tell you. He chose not to.

I'm sorry but that's creepy AF.

1000yellowdaisies · 10/04/2022 20:38

@sunlight81

Not a deal breaker.

We have cameras all over the home for security, and it's a semi in a rural town.

I work from home, and do nothing wrong so have no reason to worry. My hubby can look on at me any time he wants but im afraid it will be rather boring!!!

why does it bother u? U think he's spying? Are u doing something wrong to be fearful of him finding out about?

Thats completely different since you are aware of these cameras and Op wasnt.
Catupatree123 · 10/04/2022 20:38

I'd also wonder if it had been used in any other rooms without my knowledge

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:39

"Dealstretcher" is a really good description - that's how it feels.

If there was anything else going on I'd just walk.

I've got no idea how long it's been up there.

OP posts:
BingBangB0ng · 10/04/2022 20:40

Some bizarre responses. Her husband put a secret camera somewhere she may not have ever spotted, and then gave a pretty dubious excuse for doing it + the even more dubious claim he “forgot” to tell her.

It’s nothing like having security cameras you’re both aware of.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:41

@Catupatree123 I've been round the house today looking for anything else and haven't come across anything (although not so say that one hasn't been being moved)

OP posts:
HardRockOwl · 10/04/2022 20:42

Well, if my husband did this and then told me the reason afterwards, I'd believe him totally because he's truthful.

So this boils down to whether you believe your husband and if not, why not? Also, do you need a camera set up to check on your pets? Is this for when you're both out / away? Is he particularly fond of your pets and frets about them?

So yeah - depends on whether you believe what he is saying.

If you don't trust what he's saying then the marriage is over really.

And if there's any hint of him setting this up to spy on you, I'd not be able to look past it, no.

So intention and trust is everything here

BoodleBug51 · 10/04/2022 20:42

Bloody hell, I'd go ballistic.

It's way over the line for me.

1000yellowdaisies · 10/04/2022 20:42

@Bunty55

So he told you what it was for and that it isn't even switched on and you feel violated
Yes she feels violated, as many of us would feel if we found ourselves being surreptitiously surveiled in our own homes, she only has DHs word iy hasn't been switched on.

Op I'm sorry but i don't believe your DH went to the trouble of setting up this camera in such a position and then simply 'forgot' to mention it to...
More likely he saw the chance to have a snoop at what you do when he's not around. Not saying you should LTB but i would be furious in your position

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 10/04/2022 20:45

Yeah I would hate that !

Allsorts1 · 10/04/2022 20:46

Unless there is some backstory and he’s controlling in other ways or has a habit of confronting you about things or being jealous, I’m not sure that I’d be ending things with the father of my children and long term partner over this? Its not like it’s a sex cam in your bedroom or anything?

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/04/2022 20:48

I’d be hopping OP, but I wouldn’t think my partner had deliberately not told me.

Is there some other behaviour that makes you think it might be deliberate?

Otherwise I would chalk it up.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 10/04/2022 20:49

I'd end it.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:49

@HardRockOwl this is the tricky bit, I really dislike what I'm now having to consider - because if I don't believe him, it's dead in the water, isn't it?

Then there is the usual "is this something worth breaking up the family over"

OP posts:
stickanotherlogonthefire · 10/04/2022 20:52

[quote Forschittssake]@HardRockOwl this is the tricky bit, I really dislike what I'm now having to consider - because if I don't believe him, it's dead in the water, isn't it?

Then there is the usual "is this something worth breaking up the family over"[/quote]
I get this is very difficult.

I would never knowingly enter a relationship with someone who would do this to me. Does he use apple tags to stalk you outside the house? It might be worth checking.

ZaraSizeMedium · 10/04/2022 20:52

I’ve been with DH for 20 years, absolutely no issues at all, and I would not be happy about this and certainly wouldn’t buy the “I forgot, it’s not switched on, I use it to keep an eye on the pets” either.Hmm

DH was out yesterday afternoon into night, I was home alone and honestly - I slobbed out on the sofa, stuffed my face with a takeaway like a pig with absolutely no manners whatsoever, drank the best part of a bottle of wine, probably picked my nose, considered masturbating on the sofa at one point but decided I couldn’t be arsed.

The thought that DH was able to open an app and watch me without me knowing about it would be pretty horrifying, even though I might do most or all of those things in front of him anyway.

I’d be furious.

myceliumama · 10/04/2022 20:54

Op, I would be doing a sweep for other cameras. You need a torch as they can tiny but ALL Cameras have reflective lenses. The torch will highlight them. They can be as small as the hole on a button. Also connect to your WiFi and see what devices are connected. Any you don't know about? Disconnect them.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:54

@Luredbyapomegranate the only thing that has really had me questioning, is he always claims he's been up in the night loads with the kids, 'how did you not hear them etc"..

I asked him to get his sleep data up off his smartwatch "gosh that's really bad, it's shows I'm asleep when I've been up with them, worrying that I'm asleep when I'm sorting them!" I told him that perhaps he's been dreaming about being up with the kids? This is perhaps why I'm as utterly livid as I am, as its come a few weeks after this.

(Apologies if that's an epic drip feed, I realise now it's relevant to my reaction and should have put in OP)

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 10/04/2022 20:55

I can’t believe there’s people on here pretending like they think this is acceptable! It’s an absolutely disgusting violation of boundaries. You don’t hide cameras in your house without even mentioning it to your family. Like fuck was it to watch the pets. If my oh told me he was setting up cameras in the house whether it be for pet or security reasons, I’d tell him to get to fuck. And doesn’t matter if the op was ‘just watching Corrie eating crisps’, everyone behaves differently when we know we’re being watched. For all we know he’s watched the op doing anything from sitting there picking her nose, scratching her fanny, to having a wank or having private conversations. I’d be insisting he hands his phone over to check for any saved footage op

AgathaX · 10/04/2022 21:05

It's a massive violation of your privacy. You must feel horribly spied on, and even if he wasn't watching it, the potential was always there.
Then on top of that, the bullshit over getting up with the DC at night.

Squeezyhug · 10/04/2022 21:06

I get why you’re upset OP.
As you say having security cameras in the house isn’t an issue.

The issue is he set it up without telling you so you feel its to spy on you, therefore he maybe doesn’t trust you/ is insecure ?

I think I would be on the fence with this one too.
I don’t buy the “ it’s to keep an eye on the pets” bit.

Check the house for more.

Swipe left for the next trending thread