Dating Thread 227- Stepping Into Summer

[ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hmm, my boner has never been likened to a maypole 🤷🏼‍♂️, and I’m pretty sure it’s never been decorated like one, but then some historians & philosophy’s did believe that the maypole was a phallic symbol, so maybe I should 🤔

Had this happen soo many times. So frustrating dealing with these creeps.

Problem is there's so many of them 😭

I know, so so many. I know as women we get lots of matches but by the time you be filtered out the creeps, ones wanting different things, those not actually interested in meeting up the pool of suitable guys isn't all that big.

These phallic maypole comments are proper making me laugh 😅

I've booked a wax in for next month (how optimistic of me haha) so maybe I should ask for a fancy design 😂

@Thisisworsethananticpated that's about the size of it, yep

I'm pretty sure the only way I could manage FWB with MrM is if I made him a very small part of my life and were able to not be hanging around waiting for him to message or whatever. And that would probably include a need to be actively dating others. The difficulty for me is that he is fanciable, interesting and clever and we have lots of common interests. One of the many chats we had at the weekend was about the way that he actively creates these 'perfect part time boyfriend' experiences with women and then wonders why they fall for the fit, funny, adventurous, kind man who manages to make the person he's with feel like the centre of his world whilst together. The difference with him is that he then packs up and goes home and gets on with his life and thinks not much more of it, whereas the other person is left thinking WOW. He told me last weekend the FWB he was seeing before we met came down a few weeks ago and afterwards she had mooted them becoming more than that and had been quite upset when he'd similarly said he can't do commitment. He gets to stay very in control, the way he manages it all, with everyone at arm's length but him feeling sure he's treating people properly because he's very honest and upfront.

When we met he kept saying things like 'we could still do that together!' when we talked about plans we'd had previously for weekends away etc. Basically it's all a bit like he'd like us to carry on as we were but having now got all that complicated stuff out of the way like FEELINGS and ESCALATION. FFS ... I do feel differently about him now and refuse to get sucked back in if it's going to cause me even a shred of the same anxiety I had before. Sorry for the offload!

What a pig!! Seriously…😱
if I get any sexual talk when we have exchanged a few lines I just delete iron. I’m only talking to one at the moment and he’s careful. There’s evidence here and there he fancies me but I really can’t do sexting or be sexual unless he’s my partner

I can’t do FWB…my ex sort of was veering towards this and I got burnt again and back in his throes. I can’t do it. Hence my contact with the ex comes to an end. It’s been hard but I want the whole experience of being and having sex with someone I can introduce to friends and family. I think FWB is quite a treacherous path. It’s a no from me

Hey @ibelieveinmirrorballs , thank you! I've lost just 7lb in 5 weeks through completely cutting back and walking more. But I have at least 14lb to go, ideally 20lb. I am trying but it's so slow.

Yes dipping my toe in again but people are strange. I mean why ask me out for a date then no contact? I do feel like if I don't put myself out there, I'll never meet a soul.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I know you really like Mr M but these kinds of ENM type men irritate me. They get all the best parts of relationships then raise their hands up to say they aren't available for more, leaving a trail of women in their path. Granted he's being honest with everyone but he must know on some level that people's feelings will get hurt and he will just say I told you so. I think tread carefully as he's an expert at this yet you'll be the one who inadvertently gets hurt

I've just had to search for ENM.. I have no idea about half this stuff.

@Shunter350 ethically non monogamous. Even typing it gets on my nerves.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
He sounds exactly like my last FWB. Was very upfront about not wanting a relationship but saw me 2 or 3 times a week and even bought me a Christmas present. Had to go no contact in the end because I fell for him massively.

@Shunter350
ENM translates to "I don't want to commit to anyone"

I completely agree. I think seeing him again has been good for me in a way in that I saw him as flawed and it being his loss that he can't get close to people in this way... I spelt it out to him that it's not so much that he wants ENM as that he is incapable of being vulnerable. When we were together it wasn't about wanting non monogamy, it's more about not wanting to have to be obligated towards someone. After we split up so many things came up when talking about him with therapist eg. he once fell over really badly in front of me whilst we were out hiking and it was like he couldn't bear the absolute shame of it... he leapt back up again and insisted he was absolutely fine. There are lots of other examples of this kind of thing... he's always fine, nothing's a problem, he doesn't need anyone, etc etc. He's ex Sandhurst and there are many other 'symptoms' of being that sort of person. I need to crack on with my life and with looking for what I want, which ultimately as I've realised is love and adventure and someone who's able to be open to possibility. I think so often we get bogged down in trying to work out what level of commitment is wanted, or what exactly we're going to call the sort of relationship or type of fidelity we're looking for... I am open to lots of things but at the core of it I am looking for love I realised!

People ARE strange. Fuck em, that's what I say

That is great re the 7lb. I'm a bit similar, I want to lose 15lb to get me into a normal BMI and then I'll be happier. Really enjoying my new personal trainer habit (can't get over how much cheaper these things are out of London than in it - £20ph!) and the goal I have now articulated to him is to be able to do a pull up. I have NEVER been able to do such a thing and it's a good incentive to lose the weight because that'll make it so much easier.

@Eesha @

@Eesha @preciousthings sausage fingers.. sorry!

So it means the guy just wants to shag around with no commitment!

Exactly. I chatted to one guy who hadn't mentioned it on his profile but then proceeded to tell me he had one sortof gf plus 2 others he has sex with. I would maybe be number 4 to start with. He had lost loads of weight and become hot so wanted to enjoy that. Fair enough but sounded like gf 1 wasn't happy plus he told me that I obviously had a queen bee syndrome because I'd want to number one. Honestly I know loads of people and not a single woman I know would be ok with that set up.

…need to crack on with my life and with looking for what I want, which ultimately as I've realised is love and adventure and someone who's able to be open to possibility. I think so often we get bogged down in trying to work out what level of commitment is wanted, or what exactly we're going to call the sort of relationship or type of fidelity we're looking for... I am open to lots of things but at the core of it I am looking for love I realised!

you could not put it better. This is the reason I am leaving ex boyfriend. I am looking for full on love, plans, joint projects, shared bits of life !

Loo update

Thinking desperately where I can source some ribbon on a bank holiday!

@Eesha
You mean you wouldn't be happy being the lucky girl to be 4th in line?! 🤔😂

I think this is a little unfair and short sighted. I'm sure there are people who use ENM as an excuse to be non comital however, that's not the intent. The guy with 3 others partners does sound like he's using it to be emotionally unavailable but he would be ENM or not.

For me ENM only works if you are available and willing to be open and honest ... and I just don't mean honest about sex.

I'm ENM and fully committed to both my partners and they are committed to me. My GF has other partners and when it becomes settled and committed I meet them. My GF and BF have met each other because they are both important to me and even though it's still early days with my BF, we've sat and talked everything through and decided what committed means to us.

On date now. Having a good time 🤩

@cravingthelook
Apologies. My comment was aimed at the men on dating apps who use it as some sort of cover for being fuck boys.

It's the same with people who say they are dominant or into kink but in reality they don't show any respect to their sexual partner and it's just a control thing.

Agree that it's all about communication and mutual respect. You sound like you've got a good thing going 😍